Hello everyone. I became a member a couple of months ago and have read some of the posts but never wrote in until now. As others, I write a journal to help with my anxiety. I saw another member use this forum as an extension of her journals which I thought was a good idea. It doesn’t matter if no one replies. I see this as just another way to express myself and get stuff off my mind so here goes.
My main problem is worry. I have been a worrywart and have suffered with anxiety most of my life, I’m 54 now. My childhood was not horrible as I had friends, did well enough in school and played a lot of sports. But it wasn’t good either. My parents start not getting along since I was 10 and instead of getting a divorce, they thought it best to stay together for my sake. The problem was, they never spoke to each other and finally divorced when I left for college. So for 10 years, I was the interpreter if you will, between them both. My brother got married at 19 and left the house to escape all this when I was 11. Imagine your childhood with you and your parents living in the same house but no one speaking to each other. Anyway, there have been a few situations that I have been through in my life. Panic attacks at 40, which I rarely get anymore. Kidney Cancer (Stage 1), which I beat. Tinitus which even though I still have it, does not bother me as much anymore. A car crash (not my fault), which left me with 3 herniated discs in the neck and daily pain. Then there are the typical general anxiety stuff. Worrying about my kids if they don’t call or get home on time, phone calls form numbers I don’t recognize, mail, (yes I get anxious about receiving mail thinking there is something waiting for me that's bad news), etc., etc. The funny thing is that these things all though I suffered thru them, they never really affected my life so negatively to the degree that I am in now. The present situation I am in now I have been experiencing for about a year and can’t seem to get past it. Some of you may think it’s not as serious of a problem as some others here and I probably would agree, but it seems to be to me. Without getting into specifics, I learned about a year ago that there is a good possibility that a lawsuit will be filed against me. Nothing illegal BTW. There is nothing I can do about it at this point but I can’t seem to get it out of my mind. What really bothers me is that I have tried the “worst case scenario” thing. What would be the worst case if all this comes to be. I concluded that at worst, it will cost me 30K-50K if it goes to court and they rule against me. Will dishing out 50K hurt? Hell yeah. But it’s not the end of the world. I’m lucky to have a good job and can make the money up over time. In fact, I have said to myself and my wife, if I could write a check for 50K write now and get this past me, I would in a heartbeat. So the question is, why can’t I let it go? Is it because of the unknown or because of the fact that I don't even have the capability to push this along to a final resolution? I just have to wait. This is what really keeps ruminating in my mind again and again. I consider myself sort of a smart person and I think I don’t get panic attacks anymore because I understand what they really are and can control them now. So why can’t I get past this? It got so bad and I started thinking so negatively that I started seeing a therapist. With her help and recommendation, I got the courage to talk to my dad about my childhood, (he’s 89 years old now). I found out a lot about his and my mom’s family that I didn’t know about because as I said, we never talked to each other. My mom has past now, but he told me the good things about her but also some of the dark things. She tried to commit suicide twice and her brother and father both successfully did committed suicide. The therapist said genetics is only a small part of the picture but holy shit, what a thing to hear from your dad. Therapy has helped. Meditation helps. I take Diazepam which helps. I just which I was normal again as I can’t find joy in the things as I used to. And getting up in the morning is tough. I have to keep reminding myself that it will get better as the day goes on. I guess I’m just waiting. I hope this issue will get resolved in a few months and hopefully I will be back to my old "kind of" ok self. But then again, that’s another worry.
Why do I even try?
Why do I get mommy issue that i do have learning disability
Why am I like this!!!
Why do I feel guilty? 
