Things never seem to change

[vh005506]

So, its been a really rough 2 months for me, I've been in quite a dark place and trying to keep my head above the water with my anxiety. There are so many triggers for my anxiety, but one of my biggest triggers is my mums drinking (she's an alcoholic as has been since I was little and is supposed to be sober). This is where I first noticed my anxiety.

Id be lying if I saw my anxiety and depression is solely down to my mum. there's lots of triggers and many nothing to do with her but just feeling nothing will get better and having a very low self worth.

But today, I came home to notice my mum had been drinking. She hasn't had a relapse (that I am aware of) since easter, so this was very upsetting. As per usual the conversation started with her lying to me until I was able to find a receipt with vodka on it dated today. She was caught red handed. I know she's gone ages without a drink, but this is so traumatic for anyone who is dealing with a relative who has a drink problem. We've gone through so much, and even though things have vastly improved since I was little, I am heart broken.

I can't explain how I feel. It feels like I need to wrap my arms around myself to just hold myself together. I just don't feel like anything will improve for me. And I can't help feeling like she did it at the thought of spending a night with me (its not a coincidence that she did it the night my dad was working away). I feel like this is always going to control my life and I will always have to deal with this feeling of sadness and it gives me such a low self worth. If she really loved me, and cared about how much she hurt me why does she do it? and she hasn't even apologised yet. The worst thing is, its so taboo, no-one really nows. I know this is a weird comparison but if my mum had cancer for instance (god forbid), people would know and id have support. But I feel like the alcoholism is such a significant part of my life, and can affect me in such a large way, yet no-one even knows. Im so isolated.

[b1b1b1]

It seems to me that the relationships are flipped. You are the adult and your mother is the child. I grew up in a similar situation, although it did not involve alcohol. My mother was just very immature, childish and needy. I was the adult and always had to worry about her when it should be the other way around. It is very difficult for you. The only thought I can offer is that you should try to remember that your mother's problems are not your problems or your responsibility. As a daughter, You can offer some support, but you cannot cannot cure her. You also have to keep in mind what is best for you. You are a whole, perfect human being with a life to live. You might want to consider talk therapy. For me, talking with a psychiatrist helped.

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

Well done for posting here. You are not alone - there are people here with similar life experiences willing to give a virtual hug whenever you need it!

How old are you?

[Sprinkle1]

Hello I agree with bibib1. Your Mothers problem is Not your problem. You need to take care of yourself lst and foremost. Try going to Alanon you would get love and support there. Or find a therapist who deals with alcohol abuse. I do not know your age, are you still under your mothers care? The main thing is taking care of you and your well being. There is a male I have known now for about 2 years he is an alcoholic, and no matter how much I try to help him, and others do to, the bottle speaks louder to him than we do. So do not take it personal that your mother falls of the wagon, it is an illness, only she can change herself if and when she wants to. You could suggest AA to her. Otherwise I repeat: Take care of your well being it is so important. If you are underage can you go and live with a relative? Do Everything you can to protect your mental health. I wish you well, you can do it. sending love & Peace. Sprinkle 1