So, its been a really rough 2 months for me, I've been in quite a dark place and trying to keep my head above the water with my anxiety. There are so many triggers for my anxiety, but one of my biggest triggers is my mums drinking (she's an alcoholic as has been since I was little and is supposed to be sober). This is where I first noticed my anxiety.
Id be lying if I saw my anxiety and depression is solely down to my mum. there's lots of triggers and many nothing to do with her but just feeling nothing will get better and having a very low self worth.
But today, I came home to notice my mum had been drinking. She hasn't had a relapse (that I am aware of) since easter, so this was very upsetting. As per usual the conversation started with her lying to me until I was able to find a receipt with vodka on it dated today. She was caught red handed. I know she's gone ages without a drink, but this is so traumatic for anyone who is dealing with a relative who has a drink problem. We've gone through so much, and even though things have vastly improved since I was little, I am heart broken.
I can't explain how I feel. It feels like I need to wrap my arms around myself to just hold myself together. I just don't feel like anything will improve for me. And I can't help feeling like she did it at the thought of spending a night with me (its not a coincidence that she did it the night my dad was working away). I feel like this is always going to control my life and I will always have to deal with this feeling of sadness and it gives me such a low self worth. If she really loved me, and cared about how much she hurt me why does she do it? and she hasn't even apologised yet. The worst thing is, its so taboo, no-one really nows. I know this is a weird comparison but if my mum had cancer for instance (god forbid), people would know and id have support. But I feel like the alcoholism is such a significant part of my life, and can affect me in such a large way, yet no-one even knows. Im so isolated.