I'm almost 49 years old. Married for 24 years with 3 adult children. I have borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, OCD, PTSD, GAD. Looking to have discussions with people who get what I'm going through.
Getting to know me: I'm almost 4... - Anxiety and Depre...
Getting to know me
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Chrisrieger2
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Hello I have nearly all these conditions. I am happy to talk if you would like to have a chat. Take care
Could you describe bpd? ( only if you are comfortable).
See below. I'm new to this app and just made a new post instead of replying to you.
BPD is largely emotion dysfunction and the inability to regulate them. I feel emotions so intensely. Before I was diagnosed and began my treatment, I engaged in risky behavior. Drinking, sexual situations, and more. I have suicidal thoughts constantly. I self harm. Mostly by cutting, but also in picking, scratching, smoking; even my eating habits (binging). I have a constant fear of abandonment. I love people intensely one day and feel a burning hatred for them the next. It's a literal emotional roller coaster, and all I want to do is get off of it.
Thank you for sharing, and being so honest. Do you know what causes this? I have depression/anxiety /regrets. I am even older- an old saw.
I've heard there are many causes. Mine is rooted in childhood abuse, trauma, and neglect. The accompanying conditions, anxiety and depression are just a bonus ha ha. My depression got worse when my 2 oldest children moved out suddenly. I too, have many regrets. And that's tied up in trying to figure out what my purpose is in life. I feel like I was a great mom and even though I'll always be a mom, that being needed all the time somehow gave me a sense of purpose. Now that the kids are older, I feel a little lost. I do take medication for my anxiety and depression. Some days I feel like it's working, other days not so much.
Well thank you, and I am sure you have heard this before but you(we) are not a diagnosis. You've reached out here- and provided information about bpd. Have you found any support groups? I attended a NAMI support group once, and I liked it but unfortunately it;s too far for me, and I do not drive at night anymore. I'll bet you'll always be a great mom. Yes, I have many regrets but I have to remember the good also. Any time, I bring regrets my counselor whom I have not seen in a while reminds me that we live in the present, and we cannot fix regrets. Oh boy.
I haven't found a good support group. I have a full time job, and I avoid driving at night. I'm glad I found this page. Thanks for reaching out.
That's wonderful that despite your diagnoses , you work a full time job. You do not have to share- but what kind of work do you do? Glad I found this page as well.
Believe it or not, I work in a very high pressured position. I work on an escalation and resolution team at a call center. 10 years ago, I couldn't get out of bed. I fought hard to get to where I am. I am covered by FMLA as I take periods of absence as needed. My immediate supervisor is amazing. She has a history of working in the mental health field, so she's very supportive. And the company I work for has also been supportive.
I think that is wonderful- please pat yourself on the back. We all have something in life we deal with, and it sounds like you are strong. That is great you are covered by FMLA as well. I am a "bit" older and was so so successful in an education field. I actually struggled with it , and ended up leaving once ( yes, I regret that now- what a spaceshot I am). I went back to it after some years, and ended up falling on my proverbial rear. That is how I define myself, and I have other words for myself as well. Maybe I am not the most engaged person due to anxiety. I would like to work for a social justice organization- I still do some subbing , and I volunteer as well. I kind of reinvented myself sort of. I do have a wonderful husband and dog. Sometimes , I feel like a drifter- like I am engaged but spacey at times. This week, I was very depressed thinking about what my brother said years ago- that I do not live on this planet, and live in a fantasy world. I met with a friend the other day, and she said that I was immature. So, I hide a lot of my life from the world especially when I have taken chances on life or agreed to them. If I did not have my husband and dog- I think sometimes that I should disappear to another planet. I am so happy when I am at the ocean- what an ass I am. Sorry about all of this. Maybe my late father was right- I did not fit in anywhere, and my late mother said that I would be better off being in an accident( after our wedding no less). So.... other than being here for my husband and dog, and being a good girl for others what is my purpose?
I hide a lot too. People say spiteful things or things they think are helpful but are actually counterproductive or hurtful. I have a very strong faith, that's what keeps me going most days. I also love the beach. I wish I could get there more often. Sometimes I dream about just getting in my car and driving until I get to a beach and just living on the beach for a while. All by myself.
Yes, the beach can be very refreshing especially with the fresh air. At my old age, I would like to find a career I could be more successful at. What's wrong with me? How do you hide? Tomorrow I see my counselor.
I isolate, even though I know it's the worst thing I can do. I rarely tell people what I'm thinking or feeling. I don't want to be judged or I'm ashamed. I'm glad you're seeing your counselor tomorrow. I have a great rapport with mine. That's the age ok question isn't it? What's wrong with me? A question I and people like me ask themselves repeatedly. I think there's not a tangible answer. It's a question that only leads to further tormenting of ourselves.
Great post. I do tell people what I am thinking, but I am also somewhat ashamed of where I went professionally in life. Sometimes, I feel like there is something wrong with my personality- I have a pretty good rapport with my counselor but sometimes she can be tough- like "let that go!" I feel like professionally I am finally waking up- now it;s too late. Scary.
I just read through all of these posts. Some of the things I've read are exactly what I'm feeling/facing. I isolate as well, and I am ashamed that I am 53 and don't have a career either. I feel like I am to old to start over now. I have so many regrets. The last of my 3 children moved out last year, and it is so very lonely. I haven't found a therapist that I feel comfortable with yet. I have tried several.
Best of luck to you all.
Unfortunately, finding a good counselor can take years. I've had some good ones, and I've had some awful ones. And have seen therapists and psychiatrists alike that should not be in this profession at all! Keep trying, there is a match out there for you! The empty nest is lonely. It doesn't help with my depression, that's for sure. And society drives career so hard, but not everyone has found their niche yet. It's never too late. Some of the greatest contributors to our world were "late bloomers."
Have you ever worked? What about a little business? I am way older than you, and maybe you could get advice from a good therapist and a career counselor. Who knows- maybe voc rehab as well?
You have nothing to be ashamed of- I try to tell myself that as well. Mine also comes from guilt about something from some years back.
Yes my husband is a truck driver. I have my license as well. I've been doing runs with him for the last 18 years. With my anxiety and depression I just don't want to be in there anymore. I worked several jobs before that in retail, and production. I wouldn't mind doing that again, if I could just get up the courage to go and apply somewhere. Actually I think it is all done on computer now.
Hi Chrisrieger2 i have all the same diagnoses, and am on disability for them.plus severe insomnia on top of it all. my Borderline also comes from much childhood trauma-abandonment neglect etc. That;s remarkable that you were functional enough to raise children. my biggest struggle is that i'm all alone- having had no real sense of family/home growing up, i now am terrified of a future of growing old all alone. DBT -dialectical behavior therapy - is what helped me with my Borderline issues, that's the specific therapy for that, to help in not going to such emotional opposite extremes. still go thru those hard emotions all the time but i try to remember my DBT skills. i pray things get better for all of us
I applied for disability but was denied. Not because of my diagnoses, but bureocratic red tape. Plus I had a lousy lawyer who knew nothing about disability laws. But for 10 years I fought and clawed my way back to society and career. I still have relapses and have been hospitalized many times over the years. The battles can be won, but the war is ongoing.
i'm curious, Chrisrieger2 , what state are you in? bc i'm curious if your denial had anything to do with that. see, i was in NY when i got my disability, and didn't need a lawyer or anything. better mental health care over there. now i live in TX and have had one review so far, but long story short, am scared to continue living here bc not many mental health resources so planning to move to CO where i hope i will be when my next review takes place. when i hear about others who get denied, first thing i wonder, is what state they live in. even though social security is federal, still the papers are processed in one's state. sounds like you did great regardless so i admire you for that. i also wonder if it's bc they know i never did, do not now and probably never will have any family at all around me, have been thousands of miles from any blood relatives for years, even in childhood mostly was thousands of miles away from parents, so i'm classified as having grown up "foster care" even though they were relatives, but i was bounced around so much from place to place with diff people, then since 18 have just been completely on my own . i could drop dead in my apartment and who knows when anyone would realize it. i'm grateful for having it, whatever the reason but so scared with this administration that they will cut benefits like my disability, hence the reason i'm with much difficulty, in a highly anxious depressed frame of mind, planning a move to CO. don't know how i'll do it this exhausted and overwhelmed, giving myself a year to do it God help me. anyway sorry for the rambling, but please tell me what state you live in, if that's not too personal a question, thanks, and God bless
Reinagrace I also am in Texas and couldn't agree more. The mental health care here is just awful.
Hi butterfly2121 i made my move- i live in CO now. PLEASE VOTE TUES- i am praying for the sake of people like me, that Beto (Democrats) win, though i know this is not likely. i considered postponing my move just to add one Democrat vote to TX lol, but i'm glad i left in July and missed the awful heat waves. i never have been a voter in my life, bc both sides have bad- but due to all the ugly things i've heard TX Republicans say the past couple years- i decided not only to leave TX ,but to vote against them. They typically don't think mental illness is real nor do they have compassion for any other kind of disability, and are condescending towards the poor. just horrible mentality and i am praying hard that Tues. Election results turn out well, that Dems can take Congress. i have much better mental health care here in CO (Democrat state). I hope things are better for you these days....
Me too. I already cast my ballot. Something has got to change. Praying! I also have a special needs daughter and the resources are so bad here. I pray to one day I can move. But for now I have to make the most of it.
Right now the polls are showing Cruz and Beto are tied at 49%. There is hope.
Good to hear! i saw something on TV last night that seemed to be saying something different-i hope your source is more accurate, about 49% tie. we'll see tomorrow ! praying for TX and you and your daughter 
I know who knows what poll I was looking at. Last week it was Cruz 51% Beto 46%. Well the polls are not always right anyways I hope.
Chrisrieger2 , can you share the dbt skills that are most helpful? I have a friend with bp and her son as well. They are both also in recovery. She said the recovery and bp counselors are using more dbt now than cbt and she has done years of cbt. She shared that dbt is helping her much more than cbt. She also commented that the "mindfullness" aspect of dbt is a game changer.
Thanks in advace for your input🤗
Mindfulness is definitely helpful. Trying to stay in the moment. Self soothing helps when I'm in a panic mode, to help bring me back to a state of mindfulness. I did intensive outpatient therapy for years working on my DBT skills. Now I use a combination of DBT & CBT. Together they work great. But having the DBT skills is the only therapy that truly works with BPD.
I have done partial cbt. What is dbt?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Created by a woman named Marsha Linehan. She is a psychologist and also has BPD. It's more about giving you actual tools to help cope. Really the only therapy that works in borderlines.
Seriously? A psych who has it? Well, that is awesome- what a wonderful way to give back.
Hi Thanks for allowing me to listen in on your conversation. I'm a 51-year old male. I've worked a pretty high stressful job my whole career, too. My only son also moved out last fall (he was going off to college to play football, but ended up making some bad choices...). My psych tells me she is seeing a lot of people these days suffering from empty nesting. I know it's been a much bigger jolt in my life than I expected!! For what it's worth, I've battled depression and anxiety all my life and have some pretty strong hereditary links and also pretty major childhood trauma. The recent antics of my son, continuous high-pressure job, and some recent health scares (malaria, pneumonia, and Parkinson's in the last year) have kind of pushed me over the edge. I recently started ECT treatments and am about to start an MAOI drug in the next couple of days. That lack of direction has also prompted me to participate in yoga and mindfulness.
A lot of us have so much in common. I look forward to following up with some further discussions later when I have some time. Getting ready to work. Have a good day everyone!
I am an older person who has worked professionally, but it was not a strength. Now. at 66 I am trying to scream out who am I as far as a career goes. I also have dysthimia depression and anxiety
Gogogirl are you currently working? I'm just curious, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. You being 66 gives me hope that I am not to old to find employment at something I would actually enjoy.
How many of you here have a family history of mental illness? And if it doesn't bother you to talk about it, can you explain who, and what type of illness? I'm wondering how much of a role hereditary plays in all of us struggling with these issues.
I personally did really well up until my 50's. My Mother is schizophrenic. Has suffered in and out of mental hospitals all of my life. I considered myself very luck to have not inherited mental illness, until a few years ago when I ended up with crazy anxiety and now depression. I know I am not schitzo, but sometimes the anxiety makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I really hope it is just menopause, and it will pass.
Well, I don't mind. I am currently subbing at a school. I tried going back to a field I was so so at, some years ago ( after being out of it for some years - that is another story). I would like to do something I enjoy. I do have a type of learning disability ( math, spatial) and I did not take math in college(( not on pupose but got away with it)! I struggled with it in high school. I feel like a dope. Sorry about your mom. Mental illness did not run in my family as far as I know although both my parents drank ( but they recovered when we were adults). I struggled with my original career , and ended up leaving. I covered for my weaknesses , and now I am paying. I feel like a failure that way in life not much aptitude. At least you probably have that. Now, even though I have a great husband and dog- I am a failure in many other ways including making some bad or naive decisions in life. Hope I don;t have to live to 100 because I am a vegan!
I see this post is a couple weeks old but i would like to ask about BPD.
Firstly I don't know how you've managed to raise a family and hold down a full time job with all these challenging illnesses to deal with. You are marvellous.
I have depression and anxiety, sometimes to immobilising extent but my current and previous gp's don't seem to know anything about mental health and the medication I've had hasn't worked brilliantly.
I don't self harm apart from binge eating, but I am very emotional, sensitive to the point I take offence too easily, make some very impulsive decisions and my family say that when life's going well I self destruct at the first sign of a problem. I love people very deeply but when they say something insensitive, I can't take it! I also have a problem with confidence -- mainly these days I have none. Many of my close circle think I have BPD and I was going to mention this to my GP although I don't know if it makes any difference to the medication or if it would help? Thank you for reading.
Medication can help with coexisting diagnoses but there is no medication that is directly effective in treating BPD. Doctors are hesitant to "label" patients with the disorder because even in the medical community; there is stigma and ignorance. Borderlines get a bad rap as being "treatment resistant" and difficult to treat. I was not officially diagnosed until my early 30's. I had many hospitalizations and intensive DBT therapy and still struggle. Keep looking until you find someone who specializes in BPD. There is help; and there is hope. When I slack in using my DBT skills, I "relapse" into old behaviors. Every day is a battle. I credit my strength and survival to Jesus. Without Him, I would have succumbed years ago.
Thank you for your reply. You have done so well with all you've had to deal with.
I've had some good times and years of 'normality'. When I had the first noticeable 'episode' of depression/not coping/high anxiety in my teens and was mainly indoors for three months, my mum tried to cover up so I wouldn't be stigmatised. She was so strong and I always needed her approval. She kept her feelings in and I let mine out far too much! Everybody can tell how I'm feeling! My self doubts have been so magnified since mum passed and I have so much to lose!
Thanks again and I'll do some research on meds before seeing the doc.
Hi sweetheart l have been mentally sick for over 40 years. I do understand everything you are going through you are not alone even if you feel that way. I have been on everything they have out there. I am 65 years old and l have felt like my life has been one long worthless mess. But looking back l don't think l did that so bad.
Things now are much better than they use to be. More people are trying to understand. Of course they never will. All anyone that loves you need to do is hold you through the bad days. Be there for you know matter what. I am still looking for someone that will do that. I'm not feeling sorry for myself just tired. I have had 18 ECTs do not recommend this. Left me with more dead brain cells.
There's so much l can tell you. You are not alone.
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