I've worked in different types of restaurants, warehouses, and construction. It doesn't matter where I work. I end up getting hit with a multitude of things mentally that all just contribute to me walking out on it.
Today was day 3 of this new small restaurant job and I already felt like driving my car into a wall on the way home. It's these subtle social cues and actions that are constantly taking place. I'm already an introverted person naturally, but being around very extroverted people who are constantly laughing is just taxing.
When people don't give the signal that they're the slightest bit interested in you, how are you supposed to insert yourself socially and have a good time? I'm thinking, Hey, I want to be laughing and having a good time too, so I should casually get involved, right? Sometimes this is easy.
I believe that even though we're all on this website, we do have times where we don't really have too much anxiety, and things are easy. You know why? Because those people were genuine, considerate individuals. Not fakers. It confused me today when this chick avoided eyes with me all day as if was medusa or something, then when it comes time where she has to say something to me in front of everyone, it's all super extra smiles?
There's gonna be a few fake people at every job but here it's like almost all of them.
I think my problem is I don't introduce myself to everyone at the start. Then it's just awkward from then on out. When you start somewhere, sometimes they show you around.. When you're trying to learn everything about the job I always just sort of skip the part where I'm supposed to introduce myself because it feels weird to begin with. Then what ends up happening is those people feel like strangers, and then my paranoia takes over, then it's the depression... downhill real fast. If you try to say 'whats up' later on, then they're like "okay?"...
But again.. it's these weird little social cues that prevent me. You can tell when someone isn't interested in meeting you. I try to tell myself that maybe they're just nervous too but the big picture never spells it out that way.
I had no concrete reason to feel crappy, but by the end of the day, I was showing my frustration real bad, and that only makes it worse.
"Just focus on the work""becomes impossible with all the built up pressure of 'was I right to look away earlier?' 'should I have commented there?' 'wow that was weird how I walked away after that just now'... every little thing starts to bottleneck because it's all coming in faster than I can assure myself that it's not a big deal.
If I work in jobs where it's somewhat isolated.. then I get all lonely and wish that I was in a social environment where I can make personal progress. I can't find a medium. I can't find something to stand on. It's getting harder and harder to get employed with my work history. I can't afford to shop around anymore but at the same time I always end up feeling trapped, scared and alone.
I wish I knew where I belong.