You could say it's taken years of denial and regrets to see there are some issues in my mental health.
I don't like labels, I just want to understand the meaning behind my thoughts and behaviors.
When I was younger I've gone through emotional and verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, absence of love, being raised in pure fear and control. To top it all off my coping mechanism was pornograhpy and creating my own world among several other sexually distorted cases in my childhood.
I was helped by my previous mentor to move out and get on my feet. I thought things would be smooth sailing from there, but no...
I have suffered from much distorted thinking, anxiety, depressing seasons, flash backs of my sexual encounters/ abuses, and using my mind to create my own world.
I will say also that I'm a Christian, God really set me from my situation physically. I definitely had distorted views on God, I've done the whole "pray and confess" I believe I have a mind, spirit and body and now I need to care for my mind. Where ever there is truth o believe there is God. Truth has been my comfort during this time. Ive found myself in an isolated situation. In friendships I use and distrust and I find myself not wanting to be around others or for them to see my true colors in fear of causing hurt to them. I find myself wanting to avoid the emotional hurt and just want emotional involvement( betrayal , hurt, panic, anger, desires to fix me) and my mental health journey to be seperate. I know God sees me and still loves me.
But now it's time to seek help and find a community who understands. I hope to find help in researching about how my mind works and relating to others here to be free, it's time to move forward.