Panic attack and hopelessness (***trigger warning***)

[loren1212]

I want to give up. No, that's not entirely true. I just don't want to be alive. I'm too tired of being alive.

The panic doesn't leave me alone. The trauma doesn't leave me alone.

There's a thunder and lightning storm coming through town again and I can't breathe.

The last few days have been utter horrors.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer.

The man who raped me posted on social media about the b**** who ruined his life, using the nickname that he used for me (nightingale) over and over, leaving no room for doubt that it was me he was talking about.

I continue to sabotage friendships... I fear that I've ruined so many of them beyond repair. That may just be the panic talking though.

At night when I'm alone, I can't help but think that it would have been better if that man had left me dead rather than beaten and broken internally and externally. I feel hopeless.

[Hidden]

Oh Lauren you poor darling. You have had so many terrible things happen to you so no wonder you are feeling like this. This would flatten anyone even if they didn't suffer from depression/anxiety.

I haven't read your other posts so don't know if you are getting any help from your doctor/counsellor? It sounds like you are suffering from PTSD. Please don't give up as there is help out there. The ba***rd who raped you deserves to go to prison for a very long time so he can't do it to anyone else. I hope you have reported him and also blocked him from your social media.

I too have been raped many years ago and the thing to remember is it's not your fault! No way ever. It doesn't matter if he was a friend, you went to his home, you were on a date, got drunk, or anything - it IS NOT your fault. No man has a right to sexual intercourse with you without your consent. That's it - the bottom line. If he does then it's rape. No ifs and buts.

Have you rung a rape crisis helpline? I am not sure if you can visit them but if so please do it. I did and they were great. They told me to do anything I wanted to make myself feel more safe and they totally understood how I felt.

You need to get some help so please don't try and copd on your own. Do you have any family/friends who can help? Get all the help and support you can.

It's a double whammy with your poor mum as well. I hope her cancer was caught early and is treatable. All you can do when you get times like this is to endure. Just do the best that you can (even if it's c**p). Best is best and no one can expect more from you than that.

From my own experience even the worst events fade in time but they are awful when you are going through them. Take care Loren. Hugs xx

Ps pm me anytime if you want to chat.

[loren1212 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your words lilaclil. It has take me awhile to get back on here but I have read these words several times over the past day.

I am getting help from a doctor and two therapists. None of my family knows what has happened. I only have 1 friend who knows. My boss knows because it came up in a horrible way last year.

I didn't report him... he had been my best friend for so long and then was my boyfriend (this was about 6 years ago). But he started getting possessive and angry and said goodbye. I wanted to live my life and be independent. That's when he became violent. He stalked me... he knew where I lived and when I moved. And when I was home alone, he entered and raped and beat me. I got pregnant because of him, but then he came back when I was about 8 weeks and he raped and beat me again. I miscarried 2 days later. I have an order of protection now but I don't want to go through prosecution. I don't want to do that to myself.

I've called the RAINN hotline a few times and the suicide lifeline... Talked to an advocate agency too.

I was able to move again, out of town completely, got my address locked down, and a security system. Helps feel a little safer.

Mum is doing okay. Doctors think chemo will help and the tests showed that if hadn't spread to any other organs so that is good.

[Hidden in reply to loren1212]

Loren you have done what you can so that's great. As long as you feel safer that's the main thing. Unfortunately stalking these days isn't uncommon but you were just very unlucky. I would imagine the sense of betrayal is one of the worst aspects as you can't understand how someone who claimed to love you can do this to you.

Fortunately most men aren't like that and hopefully in the future you will be able to trust one again. You deserve to be happy.

I am relieved your beloved mums cancer has not spread. There is every chance she will be fine which is great news.

Stay with us and we will help and support you all we can. Take care sweetheart. Lil xx

[Hidden]

Dear Loren, wish there was something that would take all this ugliness away. So much is happening, but u have support here. Feel free if u would like to chat. I know how it feels to b raped and I'm sorry it happened to u. Also sorry that ur mom has cancer and I wish the best for her.

I understand how horrible we feel because of the PTSD. But remember, we made it through the actual trauma itself. We are survivors.

Take good care dear

[loren1212 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words and support. They really mean a lot. I don't feel like a survivor yet, but hopefully one day I can claim that.

[Hidden in reply to loren1212]

U r welcome. There a some days I don't feel like a survivor either. I guess it takes practice like everything else.