I feel useless

[montel]

I feel useless. I have for a really long time. I've went to counciling for my deppression. I've took abilify ( I wouldn't take zanex cause I used to have a problem with abusing them), and I've gotten help with techniques on how to handle it. But for some reason I always come back to feeling this way. I've tried so hard to take life on, but no matter what I do I fail. For example, I've tried starting a fund raiser to build a skatepark in my town and it feel apart due to someone who was helping me with the fundraiser. I've been working on my music for ever and I just can never seem good enough for myself, or to be good enough for the real world. And that hurts. I've put 4 years into this and it seems I just can't get anywhere. I'm not saying successessfull just happy to be were in at. That's all I ask. Tonight I made a dumb disicion because of all of my stress. And I'm afraid that one day all my stress is gonna add up and I'm gonna make a bad deduction to late. I'm just so dissopointed in myself for everything. I hate myself, I hate who I am, I hate how things are going.. I just want everything to go easy like it did. Like fuck. I'm so tired. Idk what to do at all.

[Super-]

Montel,

It sounds like you're doing some really kind things and making healthy decisions. I admire what you're trying to do for your community.

You mentioned therapy and medication both in the past tense. Do you think that either would be helpful now? Maybe a different med or a different counselor could change things for you.

Try not to let the music thing get you down. What if you looked at music as therapy instead of seeing the end product? Just the simple fact of producing the beautiful sounds is more than I can do. Celebrate that beauty.

Depressionstress/anxiety will certainly make decision making difficult. Overthinking, getting caught it the weeds, difficulty focusing can all affect your decisions. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I'm not sure one exists. I think eliminating the problem (depression/stress/anxiety) is the solution. Trying no navigate around it all the time will be unsuccessful in the long run.

I wish you the best.