confused situation

okay so, i am in a relationship with a guy whom i have tried my most hardest to explain my feelings and my mental health and my experiences. i am usually calm snd straight forward yet try to put him into perspective of how and what it feels like to have mental health problems and ptsd from extremely traumatic and negative experiences with men in the past. I have only just realised now that there is so much about my past which has been stuck in my throat and have never told anyone about in depth or clarity. My counsellors have somehow managed to beat around the bush by not noticing my symptoms and signs of past experiences, they never even asked me about my past experiences. No one has ever asked me, or helped me to figure out what happened in my childhood / teenage years. I give hints but I cannot fully talk about it because of how distressing my experiences were. I am going to my new counsellor tomorrow and after having a huge crying episode after watching a TV series which I highly relate to which focuses on mental health, I have decided that I would like to try my best to tell my new counsellor about what happened to me. I don't even know how this topic has gone unnoticed, hidden and taboo but I want to express how real and raw and horrifying my experience was and try to make my doctors somehow understand what it is like now and what it was like for me as a teenage girl. I don't know how to start. Things are missing and I feel that more important things in my life went missing, as if someone is trying to hide my negative experiences from the world. I know more clearly what happened during my teenage years but less in my childhood. There is so much to say to my counsellor and I dont know where to start, a timeline? Just whatever memory pops into my head first? I dont know. I have lived in a culture where mental health and freedom of emotional expression is frowned upon and considered embarrassing. People shut people up because it's too uncomfortable for them to hear. People shut people out because of this stupid idea that they are overreacting when in fact the victim is reaching out for help. This world is messed up, and I appreciate the people I have thats have helped me in some way but the rest, 99.9% of people around me do not get it. They try but they dont try hard enough. Do they not realise how hard and terrifying it is just to even admit that your feeling depressed? That you experienced a traumatic event which no one even knows about? They have no sense of perspective or empathy whatsoever, all I want is someone in my life that can help me, that will try their damn hardest because I have poured out my heart, soul and energy into the ones around me that I feel closest too. Back to what I was saying about my relationship, my boyfriend is sick of me, I know it. I try to defend him and make it seem like he is truly trying and i am a shitty girlfriend but I know that is not true. He becomes more and more frustrated. I have tried (again) so hard, i have dedicated my life to trying to make men understand what it's like to be me, or anyone else who is suffering, i try my ultimate best to try and talk to him, communicate while giving him space and seemingly everything he wants but it is never enough. When I cry or have a panic attack or anything he freaks out or becomes annoyed. I have tried educating him but he doesnt take it in no matter how many times this has happened. He deliberately annoys me (for reasons unknown for now), repetitively and fails to try better to help me. I honestly do not ask for much. He gets pissed off and talks under his breath about things ive done or how he is feeling yet he will not respond to me when i ask 'are you okay?' Or 'whats up?' And when i do ask those questions he gets even more pissed off. I'm stuck and dont know what to do.

[bluebayou]

Maybe it's time to look for someone who supports you and your mental health? No one is going to be perfect and respond perfectly all of the time but it doesn't sound like there is much of an effort being made on his part. Good luck with the new therapist and talking about your past trauma!

[Hidden in reply to bluebayou]

Thank you 💛

[Aelie]

I can relate to most of this. People don't understand and it's difficult to reach out to people because they see you in such a negative light. I basically just isolate myself to prevent issues. Hope things improve for you