Help for spouse

[candeew9409]

My spouse suffers from GAD, depression, and substance abuse. My spouse refuses to get help/treatment. How can I convince him or her to seek help? It is destroying our marriage.

[BonnieSue]

I'm going to guess that your spouse isn't ready to give up the object of his/her addiction. This is a tough thing to break through. If the marriage is at stake, I think that's the key to this issue. Are you willing to say this loud and clear? Can you put this to your spouse? That either the addiction wins and he/she moves out or the marriage comes 1st and he/she joins AA or the appropriate group and loses the addiction and works on the other things as well. I think the other things will tend to fall into place if the addiction is addressed 1st. Your spouse must be made aware that your marriage is being destroyed and rid of any illusion that it's being maintained. I wish you great blessings and good luck.

[candeew9409 in reply to BonnieSue]

Thanks for your response. I have tried, delicately, to tell him/her to stop taking drugs (Marijuana), but my partner uses it for their anxiety and depression and have done so for 11 years now. I could handle it when there was not a child, but we have a 3 month old son and this is not the environment I want my son to be raised in. My spouse needs professional help for the mental illness and addiction, but at this point, I am not sure if they can handle me confronting them. It is terrible. Add to that my exhaustion from caring for a newborn baby and itis a recipe for disaster. Any other suggestions are welcome. I'm not comfortable discussing with family and friends. Thank you!

[BonnieSue in reply to candeew9409]

I suspect you could use some help right about now. Is there any way you could hire someone to help you with the new baby or around the house? Even a young teen could do the extra laundry and dishes and other household jobs.

The point will be to get help for you but also to get your spouse aware of some discomfort at having another person around to witness his/her addictive behavior. This would kind of spotlight it and bring about a different awareness of whether your spouse wants the hired help to see him/her smoking his weed or if he/she goes off alone and feels a need to conceal or hide his/her smoking. It brings the issue into the light and to be thought about more without you saying anything about it.

Maybe you could modify this suggestion into something else more suitable to your situation?

[candeew9409]

Good point. My mom has been helping, but she is unaware of the drug addiction. My spouse does not smoke in the house, so there are no signs. Something has to change, though. As I sit here, I have been awake 26 hours straight. My spouse fell asleep with our son in their lap, and I am too paranoid and angry to sleep. My mom is on her way now to watch our child so I can sleep a bit. Thank you for your help!

[Hidden]

Hi how awful for you. The simple answer is you can't make him seek treatment if he refuses. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. All you can do is tell him that he is destroying your marriage and that you can't take much more of this. I presume you have told him this though and I am wondering how he responds.

Do you have anywhere else to go if you did break up? If you do then maybe leaving him is the only thing you can do to make him come to his senses. Even then it might not work. It does sound like he is in denial but there's not much you can do about it.

I do sympathise with you as obviously you want to save the marriage but it does take two doesn't it? I hope you find some solutions.

Oh just seen you have a newborn baby. That makes it all much more difficult doesn't it? Do you think he is jealous of the baby? Men often feel left out with the birth of a baby, but you have enough on your plate without pandering to him don't you! You have to put yourself and your baby first and do what you think is best for both of you. Your partner is an adult and will have to take care of himself.

For what it's worth that's what I think.

[candeew9409]

Thank you! I needed to hear that. Yes, it takes on a whole new meaning with a newborn baby. He accused me of being immature, but I am the one taking care of the baby. He complains that I ask too much of him when he gets home, but I give him an hour to get high and shower...I have enabled his addiction because the alternative is verbal abuse due to his mental illness. I now suffer from PPD because of it. I am the one that had to tiptoe around him because of his illness and I am not allowed any feelings of my own. Feeling tired and unable to put him first. I thought he would understand that, I mean, I am making sure our child SURVIVES. To say I am angry is unserstating it.

[NFDK in reply to candeew9409]

This is a very sad situation. Can I just share one thing that jumped out at me? You have been tolerant of this man's dreadful (IMHO) behaviour for way too long. He smokes dope because of his mental illness? Well, that's an excellent way to invite psychosis and paranoia along to the party too. He will know that but be in denial of it. Another thing - and please believe me on this - you say he verbally abuses you because he is mentally ill? Again, just IMHO, but I would say, no - he abuses you because he is abusive. You are the person doing all of the work with your child. You deserve respect for that. So many times I see men that treat women appallingly. Why do they want to do it? I will never know, unless it's because they know from their own life experiences, that they can get away with it. It's so sad. I wish you all of the happiness and help in the world, Wendy x

[candeew9409 in reply to NFDK]

Thank you for your response. It is tough to see the reality of things when you are in the middle of it. I have tried to talk to him about the pot, and he has told me he will quit soon, but soon never comes. If things don't improve and he doesn't get help, I will have to leave him. I am going to stick it out for at least another 6 months, but after that, I expect him to get help...I have to put my son first.

[candeew9409]

I am at my mom's with my son. Our house is mine, passed down from my grandparents, so if he leaves, he has nowhere to go. I hope he comes to his senses, but I am worried this is the beginning of the end of our 11 year relationship and 7.5 year marriage.