New here... depression has become all consuming

I've had a long history of anxiety and depression. When I was 2 or so, I pulled out all the hair from one side of my head. I don't think I was abused, but really have very few childhood memories. One of my sisters suggests that our mom had PPD, and she remembers me always being in the carriage. I'm having a terrible bout right now. I haven't been able to work since the beginning of December. I'm a social worker and couldn't focus enough to do my job. I dissociate all the time and when I'm not I'm tearful and/or suicidal. I have a psychiatrist who just upped my Zoloft to 200mg last week. I started therapy on Tuesday on a weekly basis. But I don't feel like it's enough. I'm sitting in my bathroom crying while my husband and 5 year old daughter are in the other room. I feel like I'm simultaneously missing my own life and destroying theirs.

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  • I'm very sorry to hear how badly you are feeling and for so long. I know how awful depression and anxiety can feel. I've been there and don't want to ever feel those things again. If your husband is willing to comfort you, why not let him? You need the support. Maybe not all day, but for some part of each day, so you aren't hiding your tears all day from him and your daughter. Because you are worth comforting at least for a little while and that amount of time won't hurt your daughter and will help you not feel so isolated and alone. Depression has a way of making everyone feel isolated and alone as it is, don't let it make you feel even more so. Let your daughter see her Daddy comfort Mommy for a little while if you can.

    The Zoloft change just might do the trick and that would mean you'll feel better quickly. Take heart in that. If it doesn't help you in 7-10 days, call your doctor and ask for help again. Then Zoloft probably isn't the drug for you. Or you need an additional drug. Let the Dr. decide by you calling him/her. Remember, adding an increase after you're already on a sizeable dose doesn't take long at all to go to work for you.

    Can you take walks or do other things that are physical outputs of energy? These types of things will lessen your anxiety and help with your depression. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. Take care and let us know how you're doing.

  • I am having the same exact problem and don't know what to do. Always crying and having lots of anxiety.

  • So I wanted to give an update. I am feeling somewhat better than when I posted initially. Therapy has been going well and We've been working on trauma and all the fun that comes with it. This past Tuesday was a rough session and I kind of sunk into that hole again for a day. Today has been better, so I'll take that.

    I'm also starting to use a mindfulness app to help when I feel dissociated or detached. I've only done half a session (it's like 9 min and I got interrupted... grr), so I can't speak to its effectiveness. My therapist uses it, so that's a good sign.

    Anyway, I am better, but by no means am I fixed or well, or whatever. I feel a little manic or maybe hypomanic at times. But that might be the med increase. I also feel a little buzzy in the head, which I am also attributing to the Zoloft. I once tried to wean off and had a really weird awful neurological reaction. I really don't want to be on meds at all, and here I am at the max dose. That's frustrating to think about, so I try not to. If you feel like I do, please hang in there and get help. There's no quick fix, but you can at least have some better days.

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