I dont know where to put this and I cant say it to anyone else so im just going to throw this out here.

[CrumblingHeart]

Its kind of pathetic, and I'm constantly nervous about this to the point I shake. I met this guy four years ago and we were on and off for three years, that last year it was more serious but man he treated me bad. It wasnt a equal relationship. Keep in mind, highschool relationship...

But we were bestfriends and talked every single night, kid you not. To this day he is still the only person who I believe understands me, even though we dont talk. I was done and broke up with him, then we didnt talk for a year. Through that year I cried uncontrollably and told nobody how I felt. I always wondered if he thought the same, because I felt pathetic thinking of him everyday. He knew more about me than anyone else I knew, we were real to each other. I admire him in every way and I still do. He was my first love, my first kiss, first date, first boyfriend, first guy friend, first everything... and the summer after we broke up we finally apologized, I thought he got closure and I didnt. I saw him at a party two weeks ago and he was sad, so we talked and he admitted that he treated me bad, I admitted that I did just as much. He said he cried every night and that sometimes he still does. We both said we missed being friends, and that it was hard for both of us when it all ended. I'll be honest and say the relationship was so toxic to both of us, thinking of it he started to cry so we hugged. He said hes so sensitive and that from times he thinks hes only with his girlfriend now, because he wont find anything else like us. I was sober, and suck at speaking so I didnt say much other than agree with him, because i felt the same. He said he thought I was the one, and I got away and he'll think of it and regret it for the rest of his life, I didnt say anything but apart of me agrees. We both remember everything that happened between us and said we'd be friends again... so we tried that yet he never replies or talks back. We didnt flirt, just stated. I honestly cant stop thinking about it and how he just brushed it off and forgot about it, it seems. We havent talked and its killing me. i just want to talk to him, text him; but I havent because I said if he needs anyone, I'm here. But hes never needed anyone...

Honestly how do I get over this? I've stared at pictures and told myself its done, I looked in mirrors and said his name and all the ways he made me feel, I write stuff down.. out-listen sad songs and happy songs, yet everyday I still think of him. Can anyone say if it gets better? My mom said she still has letters from her first love, and that first loves will always be.. but will always be a different love.

My hearts breaking!!!!!!🙃🙃🙃

[Serenidad]

Look up on YouTube Trent Shelton, How to move on. You will never forget your first love. But you have already identified that the relationship is toxic. You have a long life ahead of you and you deserve a healthy relationship. I know it is difficult to let go. But it will be worth it. I'm 40 and when I was 18 I had my first real boyfriend. I suffered from depression after that and went down a dark hole. I don't wish it on anyone.

[CrumblingHeart in reply to Serenidad]

Thank you and I will. ❤️

[MN1983]

I know what you mean about not being able to say these things to anyone. I came here to pour my feelings out to the wind too, and it's helped quite a bit just to put those feelings into words. That's step one. I had a similar situation with my first love after high school. It's probably not what you want to hear, but it just takes time. It took me over 2 years. You said yourself that he treated you bad, it was good of him to apologize, but if you got back together it might just happen again. Just try to be patient with yourself, as hard as that may sound.

[CrumblingHeart in reply to MN1983]

Thank you, I'm trying my hardest and I just needed someone to tell me what happens. I just sit here and it crosses my mind, and I know its a bad idea to go back, and we're not the same, but I visit those memories a lot. I feel weird and I dont know what will happen next, like Im staring at a path that could go two ways.

[Serenidad]

Do you have another friend you can count on?