Seeking tools for emotional stability

[profARB]

Recently I experienced a breakup in a 2.5 year relationship and the trauma was more than I thought; he just stopped communicating with me. One word answers that really say nothing to the cause of the breakup is all I receive. In addition to that trauma, my soon who was in what we thought to be an exciting exchange program suffered P.T.S.D. from the unsavory treatment. I am over stressed by both situations and looking for multiple methods for handling my sorrow and displeasure.

[doglover123]

I think before you go any further the first thing you need to do is find out why you broke up. Because if you never get a cause you will find that it is extremely difficult to get over it. It will be so hard for you because he just quit talking to you and that is one of the hardest parts, but once you know the reason why you can begin to roll that over in your mind and slowly forgive and forget and move on.

Find out the reason and please come back on here with another post!

[profARB in reply to doglover123]

I agree with your reply. The problem is I have asked for this information from the partner. At first he said he didn't know what was going on, then it evolved into he just needed a little time. The latest response is that he doesn't know anything and has no answer for me at all other than its not me that's the problem.

[doglover123 in reply to profARB]

This must be so beyond frustrating for you All i can really say is try and do more activities to take your mind off it. Go out more, meet more new people, new guys, make new friends, new memories to replace the ones with him.

[profARB in reply to doglover123]

I have been staying active , but my mind keeps returning the the root cause of my distress. He show ed me so much warmth and kindness and to suddenly stop is devastating to say the least. As for meeting new people it is terrifying, wont they draw me into their strange behavioral process of mating and the vicious cycle begins again. How do you trust after this sort of relationship?

[doglover123 in reply to profARB]

I get where you are coming from and it is so difficult It really does just take time. There isnt really methods you can do to get rid of the feeling, it will just disapear with time. You will meet someone who will treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated and you will wonder why you ever wasted your time fretting over the person who wouldnt even give you a proper reason for ending the relationship.

[profARB in reply to doglover123]

Doglover, Thank you for your words of wisdom. Time is an essential aspect for change to take affect. As you well know it can be difficult to allow the time to pass without feeling the effects of depression dissipate. My struggle is not new for most of us, but I am trying hard to not be overwhelmed by the actual events that keep a place in my mind and heart. I guess I just can't believe that someone to whom I gave myself to could be so callous and despondent to my feelings regarding our union. I just didn't expect this level of rejection considering our ages. I don't play games with people so it is even more difficult to acknowledge this lack of communication. Thank you none the less.

[Ddorne in reply to profARB]

I also lost a relationship after 3 years. He tried to tell me why he left, but I still got depressed. It has been 6 months and I still struggle.Be with friends and loved ones. Therapy? I am in therapy and it is a blessing. It makes your world bigger.God Bless.

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

Hi proFARB,

You ask for multiple methods for handling your sorrow and displeasure. It's a reasonable request and as long as I've been dealing with this I feel like I should be able to rattle off a few but I find myself at a loss and it's humbling. Someone recently posted that they had great success with Transcendental Meditation. I think you could research that on your own (youtube is great for that) even without the class that they mentioned. For me I have trouble quieting my mind enough to get started but I aspire to that and believe it would be extremely helpful. Exercise seems simplistic but is a great tool. The things you are dealing with seem to be related to others so I might suggest that you focus on yourself for a bit. Most of us have some self-improvement that we've been meaning to get to, perhaps you could work on that so that you will be in a stronger position to help your son. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[profARB in reply to kinikia95]

Oh, what I failed to state is that this was my first real relationship in over ten years. I was happy sharing and being included in another persons life other than my own and sons. The joy I got from sharing a laughter and heated debate and ride on bicycle all gave me a long awaited new reality. I feel such loss and abandonment right now, that is what I struggle with. I use to do all the things you suggested and actually its been well over 20 years so this time meant much more to me. He actually said this out loud " I guess I have to careful what I ask for", what ever does that truly mean an admission of not really being ready?

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer in reply to profARB]

I'm sorry love I didn't mean to diminish that at all and I'm sorry if I came across that way. You asked for methods and I was trying to come up with something since I don't know what's in that other person's head. I'm thinking and I can't imagine what he meant by that. I'm terrible at relationships and I don't pretend to understand the opposite sex so I just gave you what I had. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[profARB in reply to kinikia95]

YEah, I get it. Relationships are difficult and I really don't understand why. Being raised in a family that celebrates marriage and many of my family member's marriages lasted til death parted them well into their 90's is disappointing to not be able to find a mate that embraces that ideal and is accountable for the emotional aspects of a relationship. Its one thing to breakup with someone and all the reasons are made clear, but to not articulate your reasons and leave the other partner vacant and wondering "what went wrong " is just short of dispassionate and that is what troubles me the most. I am an honest, passionate person and if someone is not able to honestly accept that characteristic in me I at minimum expect and response. Then to have more pleasant moments race through my mind and hurt at the same time. Time, yeah time.