Are you going to let them know? Cleodman asked me after the overwhelming response to his last post. Yes, I will, I replied. Then, I knew it would be a hard thing to do. Today, this post is not just a difficult thing I am doing. This post is part of the most difficult, painful, indescribable journey I am now on. With tears in my eyes, knowing I could never write as eloquently as he did, I login to his account to try to write this as beautifully and as perfectly as he deserves. On March 17th, at the age of 47, my best friend, soulmate, and husband, Cleodman, went to heaven. I was right next to him, holding his hand ‘til the end. As many of you know, four years ago, his life changed when he was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer. Since day one he faced it with courage and dignity, he gave it his all. I have never met a stronger man than him. Cleodman committed himself to exercising, fasting and taking supplements, trying every treatment and diet, all the while working (as an emergency physician, his passion) while receiving chemotherapy. He would wake up every morning to work-out and juice. And in between all of that, he found a reason to be thankful and enjoy life. As a physician, he knew the odds, but quality of life over quantity was his priority. We created a beautiful family with two dogs, close friends, and family. We took a whole year to just travel. We packed a whole lifetime into four years.
From his last post, we both knew what was coming. It was after a spontaneous nosebleed and bruising that Cleodman made the courageous decision to VSED (Voluntarily Stop Eating and Drinking). The eating part was easy, as he didn't have an appetite anymore. VSED education is something I told him I would work on as there is not much information available for the terminally ill young population (VSED looks different for a young person than an elderly). He asked me to record him each day to document and teach others that may be in his position. Although putting that together is too painful right now, I will honor his bravery during those days and put it on Youtube at some point. It was not an easy decision, but I know and understand why he did it. His platelets were dropping, and it was just a matter of time before things turned ugly. He made that sacrifice for us. He always took control of his health, and by doing this, he also took control of how his journey would end. This allowed him to die in a way that was important to him, with dignity. His decision also allowed me to be with him, attend to him and love him the best that I could. He was surrounded by love from our close friends and family. Cleodman gave us one last gift, to be able to witness that death can be a beautiful thing.
I am very proud of my husband. I miss him terribly. Now, with him always in my heart, all I hope for is to find the strength to keep honoring his legacy in this new painful journey.
I want to thank everyone for the support and love each of you showed him in his last post. He cared for all of you. I hope his last points of wisdom continue to empower all of you. I wish you all lots of happy days. Take lots of pictures and videos, trust me, they become gold for the ones left behind. Get all the affairs in order. For the wives/partners, help him keep his dignity. Talk about the painful things. Remember the good times together. When in hospice, ask family and friends to send him messages with special memories. Also, ask him to record a video so you can watch it when he is no longer here, it will help ease those painful moments. Lastly, love him every day like it’s the last day.
Peace and love to you all- Cleodwoman
P.s. Link to his YouTube channel that he didn’t finish.
Thank you so much for writing. While dying of cancer is tragic at any age, it is particularly poignant at so young an age. I'm glad he left his video journals as a legacy that will benefit others for years to come. That, in addition to the many lives he saved in the ER. He was a hero to many. He was lucky to have you by his side.
Wow, seems like he went so fast .... and so young too. Sadness beyond words. What a loving wife and caregiver you are. This news is brain numbing. My sincere condolences cleodwoman.
I met him here and I say goodbye to him here. Only 4 yrs for both of us. I watched him try everything and then depart. He will be missed by me and everybody here. God bless you .
I am so sorry to hear this . I am pretty new this form but your husband’s Day of Lasts post really touched me. It gave me a sense of clarity about my situation and distill down what is important and how to make the most of what time I have left. I’ll be forever in his debt. While I never met your husband he had a profound impact on my life. You have my deepest sympathy.
May your husband Rest In Peace. We are all so sorry for your loss. But we are inspired by the wonderful life you shared together...such a wonderful love story.
How can one be so saddened by the passing of a stranger? Because the bonds formed here online are strong. It feels like a family member is gone. May his memory be a blessing to you and all who knew him.
Oh I am sorry. Among heroes I never met but sorely wish I had he stands out.
And why not? He did everything the right way. He fought hard, he loved and lived well it seems. Emptied the tank completely and then went out on his terms when it was time. A huge loss to us all. Thank you for your courage in posting this.
Tears are streaming down my face for a man I never knew and a devoted wife I will never know. You have both touched so many lives. My deepest sympathy.
Thank you for writing this difficult message. Cleodman was so brave and strong facing this terrible disease. His posts were chock-full of wisdom and advice. I really appreciate his chronicles, and can't believe he's gone. God bless you.
I am so sorry for your loss but thankful that Cleo passed with intent and according to how he wanted to. Thank you for letting us know. I very much appreciate you reaching out to us. I have been thinking of Cleo quite often. I was diagnosed at 46 with very aggressive PC. All the younger men on this forum share that difficult and tragic connection. I felt a particularly strong connection with Cleo. I could sense his strength and character through his posts. It is wonderful that you were able to travel. I hope you find peace with time - Chugach
Dear Cleodwomen,Thank you for your thoughtful words. You too are a gift to the medical profession. Your husband was a doctor for all doctors. He clearly touched countless members of our community and we feel privileged to have followed his journey. Love your photo and wish you, your family and friends all the joy in life that Cleodman brought you. Stay strong and healthy, he is watching over you now and forever🙏
He will be missed. Thanks for letting us know. I have thought of him many times since he posted A Day of Lasts. May he rest in peace or better yet find a ER on his new journey.
Thank you Cleodwoman for letting us know. What a difficult post for you to write. Thank you for posting such a beautiful picture of happier times. Please know that your dear husband helped so many and that you as well have helped us wife/caregiver/partners by showing us how to support and honor these brave ones we love so much. You will continue to be in my prayers.
absolutely heartbroken for you. have been following cleodman closely as my husband was also diagnosed in the spring of 2017 & he's also very young. i learned so much from cleodman's posts, but his last one will stay with me forever. his wisdom was a GIFT. forever grateful. so much love your way. xx
This and the previous message from Cleodman was probably the most emotion stirring posts I've read on this site. Usually the guys on this site get quiet near the end, and someone else tells of their death. Sometimes you see an old post and a reply says, "hidden" and it makes you think - that will be me someday. What bothers me the most is that most of us could have been cured if the doctors were more aggressive with how they talk to patients about initial treatment. This post helps puts a lot of things in perspective. Thanks for your post and good luck in the future without Cleodman
My prayers are with you and his whole family. My treatments began in early 2017, and as a young man as well I was pulling for him. May he rest in peace finally.
Thank you for such a heartfelt and powerful message. We got glimpses here of a great man, and despite his desire to avoid “ego and drama,” his strength of life and of purpose was obvious to all.
It seems that you are cut from the same cloth, and I find myself humbled yet inspired once again, as I am so often on this forum. I will not forget the Cleodpeople’s advice! Peace be with you.
Thank you so much for taking the time, while you are grieving, to let us know. Cleodman's posts were extraordinarily well written and sincere. Your post was extraordinarily well written and sincere. God bless you.
So sorry for your loss, lesson learned is enjoy and embrace life and love those who mean the most. God be with you and help heal the wound that runs so deep.
What a beautiful family inside and out. So sorry but so proud of the dignity and offers to help others from both of you. I hope his last few weeks were comfortable and his pain was minimal.
I’m so very sorry for your loss!!! My heart truly breaks for you!!! He had made such a profound impact here. It sure hits home!!! I can’t always help to wonder how much time I will have left with my husband. These stories are all so difficult to hear. Your husband was such a bright light with so much courage and dignity. I wish I could take your pain away. You have my deepest condolences!!! May he rest easy. I will pray your heart begins to heal.
I am so sorry for your loss. I salute the courage of both of you. You are examples for us all. You have my deepest condolences. I wish you peace and love
Like so many here I have never read such a touching & tragic message. What a reminder to the fact that we are all so fallible with this disease.He was too young to be taken like that but maybe God must have special plans for him.
Once again my condolences & I will remember your wise words.
Cloedwoman, Thanks for sharing with us Cleodman's passing, I can not express how grateful I am for his wisdom in his last post. 9 months ago I to was diagnosed with aggressive Pca aged 58 and struggled with coming to terms with my new life. I just couldn't except that a healthy intelligent person who didn't smoke or drink, exercised well and ate nutritious food could over night be diagnosed with stage 4 Pca. I retired from my senior executive role thinking that would help me, in fact that made it worse, whilst I have a loving family and many friends I became a mess. I withdrew and was not my normal happy go lucky person I used to be. After reading Cleodmans last post I took his advice on many of his points but in particular I needed to have sometime or days free of Pca I went back to work pastime so I could learn to be that person I used to be and most of all be fun to be around in particular with my wife and kids. Cleodman's last post has changed my life and for that I am eternally grateful. Thank you so much for posting today as you have both been in my thoughts.God bless
Every life story has a beginning a middle and an end. Your husbands, though too short, by your description was a good one. He had love & a passion in his life and in today's world that is much more than most. He will be missed.
What a journey fully lived during short stay in his physical robe.I share his feelings leaving us for a no return Journey with dignity.
He is alive in our mental space as long we live...
There is art of living and
we have to learn art of dying , as we are born to die.
Difficult to capture emotionnally when loved one or fellow human returns to from where we have come. Not accessible that state by our limited conditioned mind......
Even not having met you Lady Cleod , I share with you something not expressible in words.....
Eternal Dance of life continues thru life andd death and thru us and beyond
As the wife of a man I dearly love, my heart breaks for you. It was an honor and gift for you to be able to be with him at the end. I hope when the time comes for my husband I can also be holding his hand or be in his arms at the end. I can’t imagine the strength it took for you to write this and you should know your words are as beautiful and eloquent as your husbands. I hope the happy times with your husband will give you comfort. God bless you and your families.
Choked up with tears, I just finished reading every one of the 49 (at this time) heartfelt replies from our comrades and can't think of anything that hasn't already been said!
I would have loved to have met your husband even if it meant getting hurt in an accident just to have him attend.
His "A day of lasts" (and your post) have to be the most sentimental/emotional pieces that I can ever remember reading! They have so deeply touched me that I had to forward them to all of my family and friends...from my emails:
"Cleodman is a 47 year old physician who has courageously given up his battle with prostate cancer and accepted his untimely destiny with such dignity that his post is sure to bring tears to your eyes! His countless replies are also tearjerkers!"
"On February 27th I forwarded a very touching post written by a 47 year old physician on our 'Advanced prostate cancer' forum who had finally given up his battle with prostate cancer and accepted his untimely destiny with incredible dignity.
Today we received this heartbreaking post from his wife:"
What a loving tribute to a life well lived. Thank you so much for sharing. You are both a gift. Thank you. Thank you Thank you. You will not be forgotten!!
Thank you for sharing Cleodman's life and his death; you were companions on a beautiful as well as wretchedly difficult journey. Both of you have blessed and helped us, and we are grateful.
To anyone in this forum who read his last post, this news become so unbearable. The loss of a beloved husband and a learned physician who fought like a great hero and accepted death with dignity when he was enjoying the prime of his life. You are a great personality as well dear Cleodwoman. May he rest in peace and I extend to you my deepest sympathies for your loss. 🙏
A physician to the end. Dedicated to helping others while current treatment could no longer help him. Thank you for sharing him and his learned insights with all of us, his brothers and fellow warriors as he yearned to live while administering care to us as he would if we were, in essence, his patients. My sincere condolences to you and those who loved him. May he Rest In Peace as he ran the race well, with dignity, courage, and grace.
As another younger person here at 52, I am really touched by his courage and fight. Please accept my sincerest condolences. Your husband was an inspiration to many people here, and elsewhere.
My heart breaks for you. He truly was a fighter and did everything in his power to fight this horrible cancer. I was praying he would get more time. I’m so very sorry.
Bless you, and let me assure you: you DID write this as beautifully and as perfectly as he deserves.
Thank you for mentioning VSED and the need to become educated if one is considering it, or so that one might consider it. I imagine that fear and lack of understanding lead many to avoid any consideration of it at all, and I frankly have not yet thought about the actual realities of it. You have planted a seed.
I’ve been deeply touched by your husbands posts and reading his last goodbye broke my heart. How hard it must have been for Cleodman to leave you. A brave man to the end. God bless you and grant you strength in the days ahead. No more suffering brave Cleodman but a big loss to us all.
Thank you truly for loving him so and for sharing your feelings and advice with us. As an emergency physician myself to another I honor and salute his selfless service.
I am so sorry for you loss and the pain you have suffered. May you find peace in your memories. Cleodman's journey was so helpful and what a hero he was.
Why would anyone who read his posts be surprised that his wife, his soulmate, would not possess the same qualities?
Your husband's knowledge and experience treating, curing, and watching these vessels that we occupy in this life led him to a courageous choice. His choice to meet his end with dignity, not just for himself, but to shorten the time that those who loved him would watch his decline and death shows the type of man he was.
We can all learn from him. How he faced his disease and showed us that there are choices of how to accept defeat gracefully.
I am so sorry for your loss. What a lovely tribute your post was to your late husband. It must have been so hard to compose. It certainly moved me to tears. His last post was one of the first I read on this site and I passed it to my wife because it was so touching but also so informative about APCa and our ultimate destination. He was taken too soon but he lived alongside his cancer for 4 years and had a dignified passing holding the hand of his lovely wife and I certainly hope for that. May he rest in peace.
This was news I had been fearing for awhile now. I felt a connection to Cleodman even though we had never talked or met. He came across as someone you would want to be friends with. Today I will feel very sad. Thank you for your graciousness and may God bless you on your journey forward.
So very sorry for your loss. I feel we are right there, just around the corner for cure. How I wish Cleodman could be here for that series of jubulent happiness. We feel your love. We felt his love. His spirit will always be with you. Have comfort that you will often feel his spiritual prescence. We send you blessings,Mike K & Family❤️
You and your husband show such bravery in the face of that scourge. You have both written articulate and truthful messages that are an inspiration to the rest of us in this PCa community. Thanks for your words of courage.
Like most people reading the tributes to your Husband, I also had tears welling up, What a courageous man he was.All I can say is God bless you, and so very sorry to hear this heart breaking news. Much too young !
ahhhhh Another hero gone. We here will remember him for a long time. Would you please be kind enough to tell me his real name. God Bless him, you and all his family and friends.
j-o-h-n Monday 04/12/2021 12:38 PM DST
Thank you for posting of his passing. He was so wise and I put his list of 10 on my inspiration board. Sorry for your loss and wish you peace. Mark
I’m heartbroken and can’t stop crying as I read your kind words for us . I’m hit hard by such a young hard fought battle . No fear in this man . Him taking control in the end is a respected approach by me . I’m very sorry that he left you so quickly. I know that having you by his side holding his hand was pure love. We should all be so lucky to have this type of love. If one believes like I do , We shall see our loved ones again on the other side . No dreaded diseases , no
More pain and suffering . Mercy will be given to us all in the end. It’s obvious to me that your love takes him to heaven .. peace to our wonderful talented young man .. He is the epitome of courage .. You carry his love inside of you . This never ends. Much peace to you in loss and this transition .. It has taken me a day of tears to respond . Thank you for letting us know . May God be with you . Cleodman suffers no more 🙏🙏🕊🕊
I am so sorry to hear about Cleodman's story and his death. Life can be so cruel and was to both Cleodamn, you, and all of his friends and loved ones. I have the utmost respect for people in the medical/healthcare field, especially doctors- let alone emergency room doctors. He was a hero and I stand up and applaud you for supporting him in life and in death.May your pain pass quickly.
Even at the end , he was still helping the men on here. I believe the gates in heaven were wide open and God was right there To Say well done my son. ♥️🙏
Dear Cleodwoman , I private chatted once or twice with Cleodman. I felt his pain. But this is a unique man . Strong in spirit. I want you to morn , then shine your light on this world in memory and in tribute to your great love . Love is not squandered by death. Live fully and happily knowing that you loved all of the way .. you’ve given love unconditionally , this is life’s most precious reward. Thank you❤️
Sorry for your loss. I got diagnosed with Stage 4 in my 40's too and it's been around 4 years just like your husband. I'm doing good and other than having some pulled muscles around my hip that have been bothering me for a bit, I'm living a normal life.
I never like saying I'm "Blessed" because I feel like it sounds like I'm saying people like your husband aren't.
I am fully confident that I will be around for a long time and to honor those who have left us so young, I will live a good life and do as many awesome things as I can.
While still playing some video games now and then haha.
My first thought was "Oh, no". Cleodman's last post was maybe the greatest post ever. And thank you for one of the greatest posts ever, also. And thank you for such a beautiful picture. So much sorrow, but both of you keep on trying to help others. Such courage is seldom seen. There are a lot of people with tears in their eyes today. And I am one of them.
I’m so heartbroken, couldn’t sleep last night thinking of you and your brave husband although I don’t know you at all , And I just burst into tears, when I remembered one day I also have to witness my dad departure. I’m not good at writing especially when it comes to describe how I feel, but the sorrow that I carry with myself since last “2 posts” is getting unbearable. When I saw his thumbnail yesterday my heart stopped for a second , thought he came back stronger that before telling us he is getting better, I’m extremely sorry for your loss... find no words to describe how I feel right now...
dear Cleodwoman ... i send you lots of hugs ... i am so sorry to read the news about your husband ... at least he is no longer suffering ... having you to support and encourage him made the journey easier for him because you were his "double-joy; half-sorrow" ... hugs ... Nous
What a beautiful tribute to your husband. Such a kind man to think of others even in his last moments. I’ve been dreading this post and the passing of such an inspirational soul. God bless you and your family.
I am absolutely sure we have been immeasurably touched by your husband's life, by his words, by his wisdom, by his thoughtfulness, and by his courage. He reached so many here, very profoundly. His last post was more poignant than any other I have ever read. I too will keep his posts forever in my heart , as I will you and your family. Thank you for your strength here also. His journey and his story and his advice were a blessing to us all. John Dunne wrote in the poem No man's an island which I feel reflects the thought that we are not alone, just as this site reflects that. Dunne included these words "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee". I feel that very profoundly, just as in the phrase, there for the grace of God go I. He truly ran the race to his best ability, and I am sure our Father's declared "Well done my true and faithful son, ..well done." I see a vision of Cleodman sheltered now in His loving arms, I see him as on Wings like Eagles......Isaiah 40: 29-31
Dear Cloedwoman... You might not know it, but this really hit me hard and cannot imagine how things have been and how it's gonna be. Being now 46 myself, I can totally see how devastating this must be. I don't even know what to say - words are poor in this case. I have been following your fight and it has been amazing what he wrote.. But also you with this message.. You are amazing too ! Cloedman might have gone way too early, but the time with you has been some of the best quality of life he could ever want. You have both put down some big footprints during this cruel battle.. Much love and thoughts all the way from Denmark to you.. Bless you....Jesper
Very very sad , i can't stop crying while reading he's story, sorry for your loss. i really admired your husband and you to marry him knowing that he's be gone soon.may he rest in peace
Dear Cleodman's wife. Sorry I don't know your name, but I so appreciate your post. When I read this post a few days ago, all I could do was cry. This is so sad and I am so sorry for your loss and for the loss that all of Cleodman's family, friends and loved one are dealing with. Cleodman was so brave. Many people on this blog will eventually be at the end and have to decide how they will handle it. What Cleodman shared is something that spouses, partners and family can not articulate. He was an inspiration and a source of support for people who never even met him. God Bless you and thank you again for following up with this group and doing what you can to share the message that he wanted to be shared.
He had such a gift as a healer and writer I hope his words stay in this forum for a long time as I reflect on them often. Thank you so much dear wife and family for letting us know. You all have made a difference to me and mine. God bless you all.
I am one of those many participants in this forum that Cleodman helped by responding to one of my posts. Having followed his journey I knew it was coming to an end, but was still unprepared to hear the news of his passing.
We all stand together with Cleodwoman and comfort her, as well as ourselves, as best we can.
I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. He was such an important and valuable presence on this board. He touched so many people. As a fellow caregiver I wish for you as much peace as you can find as you navigate what must feel like an impossible new world without the love of your life at your side. ❤️🙏🏻
I read this post I think within minutes of you posting it. It was so upsetting that all I could muster to do at that moment was click the like button. Cleodman was awesome. I feel like I want to write some thing wonderful and profound but I am empty. I followed all his posts. I am grateful to have known him from this website. I am so sorry to hear this news. What an amazing person and what a terrible lose. My sincere condolences and may god bless you.
Dear Cleodwoman, I've been thinking a lot about your beloved husband's passing, and about the impact he left on all of us ,with the words he left us in that last awesome post. I am so so grateful.
I came across one of my favorite songs and I send it to you, not to be sad , but rejoice that he is truly "In the arms of an Angel".
Your post drummed up so many emotions in me. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks. I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband fought so bravely. Although we never met him in person, his wisdom will continue to serve as long as we are here on this planet.
My heartfelt condolences to you and your family. Thank you for your courage posting this and for sharing videos of your wonderful, kind, brave husband to us. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now without him by your side but please know that you are so lucky to have met such an extraordinary husband as he is lucky to have you as well. He made such a huge impact to me, my husband and this entire community thru his posts especially the last one. My husband is about the same age as Cleodman when he was diagnosed (45yo in 2018) so I know how aggressive this disease is for younger men so it resonated with me what he felt on the day of his diagnosis. But sharing his experiences and learnings thru his youtube videos showed his strength, courage, dignity and love to those who are undergoing the same journey like all of us here and its such a blessing! So thank you!
Now, I pray that you may find peace, strength, comfort and hopefully find happiness again. May God bless you and may He hold your hand in the coming days, weeks, months and years to come.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. May you find peace.
Peace and love to you Cleodwoman. To love and have lost i100 times better than to have never loved. May your long healthy life be full of loving support and friendship . Thank you 🙏
Thank you for sharing your husband's journey. There are no words to express the myriad of emotions we go through.... You wrote a beautiful tribute. Somehow through the thin veil, tributes like this create a bond that can't be broken. May your heart be soothed by his love for you.
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