Reluctantly ADHD

[TonySoprano28]

I'm 58 in a week. Three months ago I started working in a clinic where I am required to do ADHD assessments. Big learning curve after 12 years of social work in emergency departments and in tertiary mental health care. I am of the generation that dismissed ADHD/ADD because, given our life experience and that of our parents, it's pretty clear that there is a spectrum of personality traits we have considered "in the range of normal". I have always wanted to avoid any sense of "victimhood" based on particular events in life and, as a social worker, have consistently tried to empower anyone who has unfairly suffered with the sheer resilience of their survival. Having lived this way all my life, it's so hard to consider that, some or many of my decisions in life, may not have been based solely on my upbringing and experience but also on how my brain is wired. It meant looking at my mother to recognize the possibility and, painfully re-examining the terrible choices I have made in life. I know that there is never an excuse for how we hurt people but I now know that there is an explanation for our actions which, hopefully, provides an opportunity to atone or, at least apologize.

I have live long enough to learn how to cover up my poor working memory and lack of focus so that I've been able to maintain great working relationships even when I truly find my work dreary. What haunts me are my awful life choices and the way that I have let my loved ones down. I have affirmatively ticked off 95% of the questions on ADHD assessments we administer at our clinic. I feel like considering that I may have ADHD, is an excuse for my bad decisions and negates any personal responsibility. At the same time, so many of the symptoms now make sense.

Just like I believe that past trauma need not define us, I don't think that any sort of diagnosis should. Knowledge should be our power to overcome challenges and to use strategies to live a fulfilling existence. Struggle is a normal part of life.

[FifthWheel]

Thank you for the encouragement.