Actions speak louder than my excuses

[Stavros_]

I know this community is for ADHD, and lately, I've been a bit off-topic or too focused on romantic topics. I'm still going to talk about romance, but this time, it's weird.

Again in the previous post, I talked about the rejection and how that affected me. Up until the last day, I was still feeling empty, you know the feeling, that melancholic evacuation, where every emotion is running through your arms and you are left with emptiness and melancholy. Always being the observer, never fully emotionally connected to the moment. That feeling I have had since I started having nightmares when I was little and has still remained, almost 20 years after, but that's another topic, maybe more related to ADHD.

Yesterday and, more, today I started thinking about what happened. When I told him about my feelings for him, amongst other things he also said that he knew from like day two. So my problem is why did he act that way to me if he knew I had feelings? If you look at my post, warm and cold, you may understand what I'm talking about. Constantly complimenting my body, my face, my hair, calling me handsome and funny all that, laughing at my jokes, or things I said that weren't even funny like a 15-year-old school girl. Looking at me, staring, and many many times talking about my, lower body... Biting my shoulder and my hand. You get what I'm saying. So why, if he didn't have feelings for me, and if he knew I had a crush on him, why did he do all that? The more I started to think about it the angrier I got. Was he confused? no, he clearly didn't feel anything for me. Maybe he wanted to feel wanted and desired, maybe he thought that, because I had feelings for him, he had power over me and wanted to maintain that by throwing breadcrumbs at me. Maybe that's how some people are and there is nothing more complicated about it.

Today I walked for 4 hours total, maybe more, just thinking about it. Making all these fake scenarios about how I will talk to him about it and whatnot. Stayed in the shower for more than an hour and a half, feeling completely nothing and thinking about it, thinking then what I am writing now, how the droplets look like, and how I used to play race games with my cousin. There is a party going on a minute away from my house, I have to wake up early tomorrow, I've just managed to shake free from the mini paralysis and get out of the shower, in my pajamas feeling I'm not using my time correctly, I should go to the party and socialize again. People are asking why am I not going and I say I'm just tired and now they ask if I'm ok. Looking at a poster about Scooba diving lessons and how I need to take them and how that will help with pursuing my goals and stuff. I just, can't stop thinking in general, fake scenarios, responsibilities, classes, work, I need to drink more water, gym, socialize more, eat better, that random cartoon I saw, that commercial break, etc. and etc. and more etc.

I need to go to sleep and yet I have no will to go to bed, I feel paralyzed and the only thing I can do is to listen to this buzzing in my ears and think. This whole message conveys such despair and yet I feel nothing writing it. I should be sad, I should be angry but I'm numb, not calm or peaceful, just numb.

Thank you again for reading this far,

Thank you: STEM_Dad

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