I don’t think I can make it. I’m not going to lie everyday I think about what the existence of everyone would be like if I wasn’t here.
I know for a fact that god is real and that he loves me and hates to see me sad. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is real and that there is a paradise that he’s promised with no pain and suffering but I don’t think I have it in me to wait for it.
I’m a rollercoaster constantly going up and down. I don’t even know what feel, and thoughts are my own. The person closest to me, because of my actions , has concluded I am a fraud. That I’m a fake. I don’t know how much of that is true. I’ve lost the gauge of reality and fantasy there’s no hope because even the most vulnerable thoughts and feelings I have are dismissed because the pain that I have caused and the million promises I have broken. I’m not saying this just to make myself look like I victim but if you knew me for real I don’t know if many or if any would want to be my friend. It may appear to many that I’m all smiles and laughter and takes no actions and is emotionless but I promise on the inside I’m bleeding .
If you only knew the drama I have caused my family and extended family the craziness because of being impulsive, emotionally out of control, victim hood, stubbornness . I’m the last person on this earth you want to be close to. I’m learning this about myself and I think I’m trying to change but the pressure is too much. There is not one area I can say I’m good at. I can definitely tell you where I’m not good at and how much I’m a failure. Focusandflow and STEMDad if you read this I know you’ve given a lot to think about and I should work little by little and every time I think I got it I really don’t. I’m a liar , i imagine I could do it but the reality is is that I’m fantasizing that I could actually do it when I know full way I can’t and won’t. There’s too much to catch up on and all the deadlines are now.
How could I beg my family my husband not to leave when everyday I wish I was diagnosed with cancer or hit by a bus. I feel bad even posting this because there are so many with loved ones that they would in a heartbeat want them to live like I have the chance to. What’s so hard about life right? You just take one step at a time , it’s so easy…so why isn’t it that EASY for me? My husband tells me he will work with me , if I actually got this thing down packed do you know the kind of AMAZING life I could live? I have it right at my finger tips yet I’m being ungrateful, acting spoiled and inconsiderate complaining how I can’t get it together! People would give a lot to be in my shoes and my husband reminds me of that everyday because he would also like to be normal and live a happy life. Not be sad and miserable with a wife that we saw all the red flags for but decided to marrry her and was fooled to marry a psycho because she’s a master manipulator.
I think I’m loosing it….one minute I’m calm but depending how emotionally deregulated I go completely off the grid. Or maybe I’m just lying to myself and I’m really psychotic. im sleepy but I can’t nap because I will give the impression that I’m cruisen and if I’m sleeping that means all this drama is not bothering me enough. If I’m not a good mother, wife, sister, employee, friend and it bothered me why am I standing like a statue waiting for life to come save me. A hungry mouth doesn’t get fed by just opening its mouth
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From your earlier posts, you've described how much you have been through and survived. You've been strong for so long and that can be especially difficult. You certainly are a fighter! But sometimes when we've been strong for so long, it's important to recognize when it's time to reach out for professional help. Especially now, if you feel like you are in crisis there are trained professionals that can help you. Please do reach out to the Crisis Helpline. They offer free, 24/7 support for people in crisis. Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the USA, anytime, about any type of crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds quickly. The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment.
You can also reach out to 988 which is the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. They provide 24/7, free and confidential support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. The Lifeline helps thousands of people overcome crisis situations every day. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
We hope that you will continue to be strong and reach out for help. If you have further questions, please do let us know. We are here to help!
Thank you JamiHIS. I’m embarrassed…like I can’t get a hold of my life what a shame. But I know better than to keep putting myself there. Thank you for the support.
Please do not be embarrassed! We all need help from time to time and reaching out for help shows courage. I hope you have found support from the wonderful individuals on this forum who can share some of what you are feeling. Finding a community has been powerful for many people. I encourage you to also consider our network of support groups (the majority can be joined virtually). You can find more information about connecting with a group here: chadd.org/affiliate-locator/
I'm so sorry you feel that way. Believe me, I completely get it, and I can sit here and tell you how wrong your perceptions are, but the one who in the end has to start believing it, bit by bit, is you.
By all means, make the calls you need to make, talk to your doctor, get a psychiatrist if you don't have one already, join a 12 step mental health program, get a sponsor, get a coach - Whatever you can do, please.
I know the night is always darkest before the next day, but I'm telling you, the sun will rise again, day after day. You just have to be able to get to a place where you can meet in in the mornings and say hello. That's it.
You're in my prayers, to be sure, but as you stated that your husband is willing to work with you and help you, I'd take him up on it, and just do the work, whatever that entails, and try to not speak too much along the way, as that is the part of poor impulse control that can get in the way of your progress and make it feel like all is lost. But it is NOT! Keep plugging away, make the calls, click on the resource link JamiHIS sent - Just move forward center of mass.
Forget all judgments (especially your own), guilt trips, ancient history, and please, please, stop projecting with those bad lenses into the future.
I just can’t stop crying …we just got into an argument and I’m so angry.
I hear what you are saying about taking his help and controlling my mouth. I’m so angry …I just wish I had that person to call to vent you know. But u have to stop living in fantasy and grow up. I’m not a victim I just have alot of pain.
It’s the hardest to keep your mouth shut when you’re being falsely accused.
I’m so angry focusandflow and I can’t stop crying. I’m so angry and I feel pain.
I have therapy Wednesday but I have to reschedule it because of something else going on at that same time.
I promise I’m trying …I promise. I could do better I know but I’m doing what I can do….its painful that a lot of arguments go on in front of my daughter. Yet I am the one who gets blamed for it all. Yes I could control myself more but so could he. He runs his mouth all day about all the negative things I do and ok he has a point but he’s no better if he turns around and does it right back. While I am wrong for many things he could also have self control for things and not take things to an even worse level. I feel so much anger towards him as I know he does for me. He has no respect for me. None , I’ve lost all his respect . He walks in a door and I could be right there and if it closes it closes and I have to get my key to come in. He’s become an asshole that I’ve never seen because his conclusion is that I have no respect for him or my child or for anything.
According to him I am a selfish, spoiled, ghetto, disrespectful, prideful person.
I may have some of these personality traits but it’s not how he defines it.
I’m selfish because I do things and sometimes or many times I’m in my head and I obliviously do things and don’t realize I was acting selfish. It’s not because I only think about myself because I’m spoiled. Because everything has always been done for me or given to be so I don’t consider others. No im not because it’s not as though I never show compassion, empathy or understanding.
I sometimes respond or do things that are disrespectful and I don’t realize at the time ….
I’m stopping mid sentence. I’m tired of talking. I’m just tired of myself. I feel like I ran a marathon.
Sending you much love and support. I get what you are going thru, you can and do come out on the other side if you just let go. It has taken me 50 yrs to let go and really seek the Creator. When it hits home of how loved you are and want to spread that love, you feel so much better. Keep the Faith, that's what gets you through and a lot of SELF-LOVE!
You remind me of my adult daughter. She’s a great person, like I’m sure you are too. Her anxieties make her act in a certain way to others, that can cause hurt and upset, but it’s not her, it’s the illness.
My daughter lives with me, and believe me, at times she drives me crazy, and I say some of the unkind things that your husband says. But I don’t mean them, and nor does your husband. He married you because he loves you.
Maybe you can have a weekend apart, to give you both a break from what can become a negative spiral?
I’d also suggest avoiding interacting with each other at home if either of you are in a negative frame of mind. Give each other physical space to calm down and get together when you are both in a more positive mindset. ADHD moods can change quickly in my experience. Nothing can be solved when people are angry x
I see it from another perspective. It seems that what alleviates your anxiety might be the feeling of pity, even if you're not consciously aware of it. When you start to feel anxious, use that energy to do something proactive. No more judging yourself, no more self-pity, no more overthinking—just take action! If your husband accuses you of being selfish and you start to believe it, counteract that by doing something kind, like taking your daughter for a walk. Understand that your husband says hurtful things when he's upset to vent his anger, but you might be amplifying these negative thoughts in your own mind.
I'm not going to sit here and feel sorry for you and I hope you know that I say this out of love. This doesn't apply to just you, it applies to all of us with ADHD. Let's stop overthinking about how bad we have it and let's start doing!
Even if it takes you your entire life to relearn this, you and your family are worth it.
Thank you so much for this. You are right about what relives my anxiety is the feeling of pity. Thank you for bringing this up it gives me more to think about and self reflect.
I don’t mind the truth to be honest and sometimes I don’t know what to do with the truth so I stay stoic. I wish my husband understood that and was less shaming and end of the world attitude when he talks to me. I’m already freaking out even if you can’t see it I don’t need you yelling at me or calling me out at every turn for me to change.
I think that’s a good idea about countering his frustration and not allowing it to pierce me. .
I'm sorry you are experiencing all this, and yes, I've been there too. All the comments from others are spot on, and I have little to add.
I want to go out on a limb and suggest that your husband is not as willing to work with you as he says he is. From what you repeat to us that he says, he is only willing to work with you his way, to his standards, his logic, and he is most definitely unkind in calling you names and accusing you of of intentional laziness, etc. when he knows you are neurodiverse. Calling you psychotic and manipulative isn't loving or helpful in any universe!
Lest you think I'm blaming him and letting you play the victim, I'm not giving you a pass. BUT, you really, really need to reach professional help ASAP. Depression and anxiety are two conditions that often occur together with ADHD, and it's clear that you have one or both plaguing you. PLEASE, please make your health the number one priority of your day. Nothing else can be as important as breaking this cycle and letting professionals help you get healthy. I care! 💙💜;
I feel the same…I think he is justified in his frustration but the part that makes me human and not black and white - do this and your problems will go away instead of oh ok, I see why you are doing this let try to find a work around that won’t piss me off and will help you do what you have to do.
hey there, I usually don’t come often to this forum but I happen to read a brief excerpt of what you’re dealing with right now in your life. I am going through very similar things. I have never felt this depressed before in my life, there are a lot of things that are coming back, like trauma, and anger is the only way I can express myself. Although I know deep down, it comes from a place of being hurt and abandoned. I want to let you know that you’re not alone and whenever you want to chat with me you can send me a message, I hate those cliché statements. Were people say things will get better, I am afraid that it will take a lot of time for me to get back to my old self. I find myself crying a lot for no reason, I am not a crier I think that, this form can provide you to support you need there are many resources you can call like Nami warm line, you can simply google and find their phone number which is 24 seven and you can either text or call. I am not sure if for me myself, venting helps, but I find myself want to isolate and dissociate from my reality. I wasn’t like this before I don’t have family. I only have my husband and his supportive in-laws. You could imagine how complicated my life is but yours is as well and I want to tell you you were doing the best you can and that is enough. Tell yourself this is the best you can do right now and it is enough. Life can be so shitty sometimes sometimes you I just have to go through it you know? Well, anyways, if you ever want to talk, just send me a message, I want to wish you good luck and please reach out for help when you feel when you feel you are in a crisis.
I’ve worked in healthcare for many years - however it’s important to note I am not a medical professional at all - but from the symptoms you are describing, you may want to speak to your doctor about Bipolar Depressive Disorder. JamiHIS gave excellent resources for assistance from qualified professionals, this is so important.
I can’t have something else wrong with me. I just can’t it will prove everyone right that I’m crazy. What if I am crazy and I don’t mean that as poor me or pity me but what if I am…what if I am guys? 😭😭😭😭😭what am I going to do? It will prove my husband right that I have issues and I wouldn’t mind for him to be right if he wasn’t already calling me psycho and crazy and all these things .
I’m shaking so bad right now. It’s not your fault I’m just scared I have no one to just help me though this just my husband and he is fed up. I don’t blame him it’s a lot. But I do want to get help I feel so out of control.
he says I’m just a selfish spoiled brat and that there’s nothing wrong with me. People who are scared or full of anxiety don’t do things that cause them anxiety or stress or fear. Man….i don’t know anymore
Well it’s about gaining control of your life and your health; other peoples opinions are really irrelevant whether they’re proven right or wrong. It shouldn’t matter. And to say “I can’t have another thing wrong with me”, addressing health issues is always the appropriate thing to do. If you broke your arm, would you say “I can’t have another thing wrong with me” or would you go to an emergency room? The brain is no different. It is something requiring medical attention and should be viewed as exactly that.
Thank you so much for opening your heart to us and sharing this. Many of us have been there and we understand.
Being neurodivergent comes with its challenges, but it also brings wonderful strengths, or what I like to call superpowers. If we think about it, many famous neurodiverse people have achieved great things because of their different types of brains. I believe that we, people with ADHD, can thrive in the right environment.
You deserve so much love and respect, and I am sure there is something so wonderful in you.
Please share the following account with your husband:
Kindly ask him to view its content, I think it would be very helpful. 😊
If you both truly love each other, try to make it work with lots of love and kindness along the way. Have an open, long conversation with him. Explain how much you truly love him and your daughter, and how much you appreciate everything he does for you and your daughter. Try to explain how he could help you.
I feel open, genuine, emotional conversations can be very helpful. And you do not have to do this in person; you could write a long message to him, revise it a couple of times, and send it. If it turns out to be quite long, you can even add some interesting stickers/photos to make it interesting to read. I’ve done this with someone close to me, and it really helped. 😊
We all love you, care for you, and support you. I know sometimes we feel really bad, and when those moments hit up, please immediately reach out to the helpline. Because we all here love and care for you. 😊🩷
I hope you’re feeling much better today. Since I read your post, I’ve been thinking about you and feeling worried. I’ve read many of your comments and posts, and like many others have said, I truly believe that your husband is abusive. It is quite unhealthy for you to stay with him, and it is quite unhealthy for your daughter to be raised in such an environment.
I know it’s hard to walk away from someone we are attached to, but I believe you would feel much better once you leave such an abusive person. You deserve to be in a safe and loving environment.
It is so obvious that you are trying very hard to make things work, which shows how much you deeply care. It’s totally not okay for him to say the things you mentioned. We are all here to support you and stand by your side. 🩷 😊
Please be kind to yourself, and remember that not all opinions from others are valid. I really hope things get much better for you. Please feel free to keep posting because this community is here to support each other.
acknowledgment comes first vs not admitting you have a problem… finally ready to do something to feel different vs a transactional short term remedy or bandaid. Transformational change is different than quick fix
you acknowledge and admit your behavior is bad and your ready to do something about it. Like Buddha says true change must come from within. People don’t change for other people
Pay attention to your behavior also. I was reading your post about being in Whole Foods and texting furiously lol. That sucks and it does sound manic. Believe me I been there. I been that person texting like a crazy person ranting in a chat room and rambling on via texts. It’s fun and your good writer but it’s not worth it. But it’s easy to get wrapped up in emotions when you’re neurodivergent. Instead of doing for the dopamine rush. Go talk to a real person in Whole Foods. look for someone. Who seems like a nice person and strike up a conversation but try not to be too awkward. There are nice people in Whole Foods and if you say you cabin fever and had not seen or spoken to a real person in a couple weeks. Do you have some people to talk to that understand you or being neuro divergent ? Now I’m all rambling
no worries! yea it is very hard to control emotions and so much more during those intense moments.
no i truly and literally have no one. the one person i have i can not talk to because they know my husband. at one time i went and started opening my mouth and that caused a lot of distrust with my husband AND people end up knowing more that what they should and they think you’re crazy and/or they don’t understand adhd. i’ve been blacklisted by some friends which hurt me tremendously. but hey…sometimes until someone like myself gets a hold of themselves and understands how to manage, for the most part, adhd
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