I've been struggling with ADHD for most of my life. I had the good fortune to be diagnosed early, although many life experiences have led to my treatment being patchy and me developing some comorbid conditions- Generalize Anxiety Disorder, recurrent Major Depressive Disorder... general trauma, blah blah, which have lead to my symptoms manifesting differently at different times.
Currently, it's kicking my ass, though I am being treated with therapy and medication. And I guess I'm at the point where I'm looking at things I do (and don't do) and because I've learned so much about how my brain works that I'm going "oh, THAT'S why I do that" which is great, but then I guess I'm not attacking my symptoms to change them as much.
Specifically, my executive dysfunction has proved difficult to master. Which is the whole point of that symptom, of course, but sometimes I find myself not doing things because of my dysfunction, knowing it's because of that, and then I guess I just accept that, instead of pushing myself more to combat it?
And I wonder if I'm making excuses for myself rather than finding explanations for why something is difficult.
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TiredlyTeaching
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I would look at it from this perspective: are you trying to get out of doing ABC because of XYZ?
It's a matter of understanding what your limitations are.
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An analogy which is often used to describe ADHD, and the benefit of ADHD medication & accomodations, is the example of vision impairment.
I wear glasses, because I am nearsighted and have astigmatism. If I lost my glasses or if they were broken, I would not drive. It's not because I have any lack of driving skills...I know how to drive, I have a car that I can drive, and I have a driver's license. But, without my glasses, I cannot see well enough to drive safely.
So, it is not an excuse to say that I cannot drive without me glasses... I'm at least halfway to being as visually impaired as Velma on Scooby-Doo is without her glasses. Without my glasses, I can't do half of everything that I can normally do (and for the things I can do, I'd be squinting like Mr. Magoo).
The fact you’re asking yourself that question is good enough IMO to not worry about it too much. Be generous with yourself. You’re trying. That’s what matters. 😀
Hi thank you for posting. It’s strikes a cord with me. I am in overwhelm/ burnout due to family stress. And I sometimes feel I can’t move forward. Being kind to myself and allowing myself time to rest (eventually) gives me the energy to move forward. I’m not medicated or diagnosed( yet )
Self improvement is a thing. But self acceptance is also a thing and is super important.
To me, I have the best chance for self improvement when I take care of myself and accept myself. Accepting myself means I can be realistic about what I need and what goals to set, and caring for myself means I’ll be as rested, calm, happy, as possible in the mean time.
That said, I think you need to be most careful with excuses when it impacts other people. I really try not to set expectations or make promises I might not be able to meet.
A good explanation will either help you do better the next time, or help the other person support you the next time.
If it’s not someone whose job or problem or interest it is to help/support you, then even the best explanation will feel like an excuse, and you can skip straight to the apology.
I know how you feel. Also diagnosed in 20’s, medicated, and had therapy. Same co-morbidities as you. I am currently working on my income taxes. My executive functions are all over the place! I am exhausted! Should I have gotten a CPA to do them? Yes. Should I have started earlier? Yes
Such is the life of members in the ADHD community. I have trouble remembering what I have read so I am constantly re-reading. You can imagine how helpful that is when going back and forth between forms and their instructions.
I wish I was a normal thinker, linear. Getting older focusing and completing tasks timely is more difficult but I am learning to accept that this is the way I am made. I cannot change it but I can be more accepting of these limitations.
An explanation is about acknowledging (also, self-acceptance).
An excuse is about not taking action when things are in your sphere of influence.
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If my house burnt down when I was 5, that's an acknowledgement. Acknowledging the memories are still traumatic for me and cause problems is fine. That's explaining something I know about myself. I can't influence the past in any way, though, whether it happened *to me* or not.
If I didn't pay my phone bill last month and blame that on past trauma causing me grief, that's an excuse in play. My house DID burn down and maybe I DO have buried grief, but neither the house nor the fire was responsible for my phone bill last month. The two events are not related. They are both things that happened, but, my desire to link them isn't based in any truth. My desire to link two completely unrelated incidents is the excuse. I'm trying to convince myself I "couldn't" take action because the responsibility was not mine, it was somehow part of the past of which I have no control (since it is factual you cannot influence the past) ... but the phone bill was directly in my sphere of influence. It was not in the past. It was in my present. There were many things I might have done to make management easier for myself. If I did not, there was, in reality, likely some other reason I ignored that particular payment or forgot that particular task.
The point of noticing when you're making excuses isn't to get caught up in defensive whirlpools but notice *where* it's happening and why. The form the excuse takes is sort of irrelevant since the whole identity of an excuse one of nonsense connections posing as sense. Why would I overlook my phone payment if I look at my phone everyday? ...
In a way, the identity of 'responsibility' IS self-acceptance.
it only becomes an excuse if you don't try to find alternatives, accommodations or other ways to get the essential things done. I also believe that it matters most when it is an obligation to other people that we can't fulfill because of ADHD.
The bulk of our lives involved people telling us that we could, if we wanted to, thus this is a failure of willpower. Make sure your concern about excuses isn't hidden acceptance of this false view. You are not deciding out of laziness to not make things happen, you are doing the best you can in the face of a legitimate disability. You wouldn't feel shame being unable to see if you were blind. You wouldn't think that failure to get out of a wheelchair and walk was an excuse. If you had extreme phobias and couldn't do certain things, you wouldn't take that as an excuse.
We do what we can to overcome or help with disabilities. Eyeglasses, wheelchairs, therapy for phobias. As long as you trying to find support systems - timers, planners, body doubling, coaching, medication - then you are not just sitting back and making excuses. Self acceptance and self love is important to develop now that the causes are revealed.
Not sure if this helps, but I have 2 kids, both with autism and ADHD. I see them with tons more compassion because I know they’re both climbing Mount Everest daily just to get through life. My son, who is verbal and in a regular classroom, and “looks normal”, has tremendous challenges that I would take away if I could. So I try to celebrate his successes, however small they seem. You are doing everything with a much heavier backpack than most. Be kind to yourself.
The word "excuse" is used most frequently to shame the non-normative into social conformation. When I attempted to explain my behaviors to my family, they would shout at me the phrase, "ADHD is not an excuse."
Interestingly, they assumed that I had been looking for an excuse while I was simply percieving my behaviours.
I set up a bill pay directly from my bank for my son's tuition today bc I 'forgot' to pay December. *ugh* I hear your struggle. I've been paying for several years..
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