Low empathy or remorse when needed?

[Oats_are_S_tier]

Hi everyone.

I need your opinion.

I've done something I'm not proud of and concerningly I'm feeling very little guilt, shame, remorse or empathy.

I'm not going to sugar-coat it and I don't want to force empathy or sympathy out of all of you because I refuse to let that be the point. Despite my triggers I need someone to be brutally honest with me; I need to hear the truth rather then what I like to hear.

I've deleted my Tumblr account because I wanted to run away from my problems.

I was sharing posts on the situation of Gaza and for awhile I was feeling good about myself for actually taking action upon a crisis like this. Then I was receiving direct messages from Gaza citizens in dire need of aid; I began to feel slight anxiety about that.

I wanted to go under the radar when it came to showing support and never actually wanting to speak to anyone in the slightest. I completely ignored their messages at first and just carried on sharing posts that were sent to my inbox; until the messages kept coming and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

On and off I donated to the people that messaged me because it just felt wrong not to; I felt I could handle this, but I couldn't.

Their messages became frequent; whether it was the same person or someone new, it made me want to ignore them more. Obviously they needed my help so when I wasn't responding they'd reach out again and I knew it would be so shitty to continue ignoring them, so to combat that guilt I responded and donated.

I guess by this point I felt dreaded while overwhelmed and wasn't handling anything the way I should have, I wanted it to stop.

I was going back and forth in my head on what to do, deleting my account felt scummy and cowardly considering that people are being blown to pieces while living in tents and I might as well be giving them the middle finger. While on the other hand constantly donating didn't feel reasonable; since I not technically employed I guess I felt "justified" to maybe not donate to everyone often. I didn't want to tell my family because I knew I was acting impulsive and didn't want to deal with the embarrassment, even though they would be supportive.

I couldn't handle all the messages from everyone in dire need so I buckled and decided to delete my account.

Before I committed the scummy act I decided to donate various posts and to the people who messaged me for the first and last time , I didn't care how much I was spending, I wanted this to be over with. In my eyes I abandoned them; I ran as far as I could because I couldn't handle it.

After that I didn't feel the usual feelings I'm accustomed to such as: guilt, shame, regret, remorse and self-loathing, instead I felt relived, as if weight had been lifted of me.

Frankly this concerns and disturbs me for I might as well be saying " I don't care about what I did."

If we really put this into perspective I was unable to be an activist for people suffering and dying and fled the scene abandoning them; and I'm not feeling the appropriate emotions.

I need honest opinions on my actions and feelings so please don't think for a second about trying to reassure me rather then criticize me ( if you want to do both that's fine ) because sometimes we're in the wrong. Even as I'm writing I'm still not feeling what I should be feeling after committing this.

Thank you for reading.

[STEM_Dad]

It sounds like you are really a compassionate person at heart. However, people with the biggest hearts often experience a kind of fatigue.

I think that it was wrong of them to keep asking you so frequently for help. It takes more than asking the same person again and again for help. That causes burnout.

Also, you should know that, kind-hearted, compassionate, and generous people are often targeted by scammers.

While some of the Gaza aid efforts are indeed legitimate, there are also many scams which have sprung up.

~~~~~

Your reaction by feeling that you needed to delete the account is actually very understandable, given how persistent it sounds that they were.

You've done something to try to help. You can only do so much on your own.

Sometimes, out of a need for self-preservation, you just might need to withdraw for a while.

If you want to do something to try to recover your sense of humanity, look for opportunities to provide in-person aid within your own community. It might be as simple as helping a neighbor, or treating a child or elder with kindness.

Compassion is like a self-charging battery. It will recharge in time. You can also recharge it faster in some ways. But I've found that trying to force it only makes it harder to return to normal.

(Or think of it as an overworked muscle, which needs some rest and some gentler activity. Muscles can grow stronger and gain stamina in the long run, but not if you keep overworking them. The same goes for the heart, not the muscle heart, but the emotional one.)

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

One more thing to add.

Sometimes, we get an innate sense which lets us know when we think someone is trying to take advantage of us, to take advantage of our better nature.

In the US, many of us call this a "BS detector."

[Oats_are_S_tier in reply to STEM_Dad]

"One more thing to add.

Sometimes, we get an innate sense which lets us know when we think someone is trying to take advantage of us, to take advantage of our better nature."

"In the US, many of us call this a "BS detector."

I'll definitely keep that in mind. 👍

[Oats_are_S_tier in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you for your kind words. ❤

"(Or think of it as an overworked muscle, which needs some rest and some gentler activity. Muscles can grow stronger and gain stamina in the long run, but not if you keep overworking them. The same goes for the heart, not the muscle heart, but the emotional one.)"

Your analysis makes sense the more I reflect.

I sound like a broken record, though this event has left me feeling the complete opposite emotions compared to my previous mistakes, so as usual I needed answers regardless if I felt worse.

I do try to be as compassionate as possible mainly with my direct family; I ask questions and (try lol) to listen. I'm not always brilliant at it but it's not an excuse to not try.

I'll remind myself and keep an eye out to activities that'll rekindle my compassion, it does bring me contentment.

Thanks for your time and you seem like such a compassionate person also and I hope you're taking time for yourself, I admire how dedicated you are to people here. ❤

[STEM_Dad in reply to Oats_are_S_tier]

It takes one to know one

[Mamamichl]

I understand why you did it. I would block people if it wasn’t too many people. These people asking for help may be bots asking for your money and swindling you. You will never know. In these situations I would ask people in your area or the government for the best places to donate from credible sources. Anything .gov on the internet comes from the government. I applaud you for trying to do what’s right, but too many people take advantage of the people that don’t know how to find credible sources. I used to think Salvation Army was a good idea, until I researched that only a small fraction of what I give actually goes to help people.

Giving money directly is not the right way to go either, so you were needing to do what’s is right for your own mental health. They probably wouldnt stop until all of your money was gone. You did what was right for you. Keep an eye on your bank account and make sure no fraudulent Charges happen. If you’re concerned about this, get a new bank card.

It’s hard knowing what to do in those situations. I’m not going to tell you if you did right or wrong. All I’m going to ask is did you learn anything from it? Have this experience help you adjust your actions for the future and it will all work out.

[Oats_are_S_tier in reply to Mamamichl]

Yeah looking back I was naively going about this whole thing and it the messages probably wouldn't stop so the cycle wouldn't end. I'll check my bank details definitely.

I too have heard that Salvation Army supposedly doesn't support queer individuals in need. 👎

Reflecting on this it wasn't right of me to hand all of that to you, it's not your responsibility to basically reassure that my morality is in check and I'm sorry for that.

I think what I've learned is I couldn't do something like this all on my own; awhile ago I took a personality test and my results showed that the role of an activist suites me, I guess I assumed this experience wouldn't feel stressful lol.

Thanks for your response and kindness. ❤

[Mamamichl in reply to Oats_are_S_tier]

I know Salvation Army is corrupt. They wouldn’t be allowed near my business or home.

It may not be my responsibility to check your morality. Don’t apologize either. We all do things impulsively and make mistakes. I definitely didn’t mean to lecture you. I’m just bouncing ideas without taking things personally.

Oh, btw… activists don’t all use money to better the world. They stand up for what’s right to the best of their capabilities. Instead of donating, try finding a protest near you (like at a local college). You will find like minded people who may have more insight on where is a safe place to donate. Also, do only what your means can handle. Don’t try pulling someone into the boat just to be pulled in to drown. Know your limits in the situation.

[Oats_are_S_tier]

"Don’t try pulling someone into the boat just to be pulled in to drown. Know your limits in the situation."

This has stayed with me and I appreciate that; I'll try to approach situations or dilemmas differently next time, for my own sake and others.

Don't worry you didn't lecture me at all haha. 👍

Thank you for your advice and kindness, greatly appreciate it. ❤

[Oats_are_S_tier]

Alright last comment and I just wanted to thank you two for noticing me when I needed it.

You're both thoughtful and attentive people and hope you're giving yourselves kindness also; I commend your dedication. ✌

Okay sappiness over and done lol.

[Queen_of_Tara]

Low empathy is not at all howbi think of you. You have a lot of empathy and caring and you feel compelled to help. Admirable. Giving money isn't activism IMHO and sending money based on personal requests and guilt can be dangerous. I agree with someone who suggested getting involved with local or national groups and understanding how their activism works. Money is always needed and it will never not be needed. Don't feel guilty about deciding to stop giving money or blocking or deleting accounts...stay in control of your boundaries and decisions. That's my 2 cents.

[Zilmita]

You did a good thing by donating money to help the people that are suffering in Gaza. There are plenty of issues though when it comes to donating money. First of all, how do you really know if the person that you're interacting with is actually in Gaza and affected by the current situation? Some people do scams to collect money from nice people like you and use fake accounts with actual pictures of what's occurring (maybe they cut and pasted a pic from Gaza on their website to make it look authentic). & since you are (and others are) good people, you feel for it and that person is actually a fraud and just stole $50.00's (or more) from you. 2ndly, if you told them that you could only donate once, they should have just accepted your donation and left you alone. If they keep sending you messages, it can be a fake and they're stealing money from you and will keep doing it because they think that you're a sucker since they've used footage from Gaza to pull at your heart strings for money. Now, they won't stop until they get a lot of money. It's tough to know when it's a legitimate website/organisations asking for money and when it's a fake. So, it's good that you've deleted your accounts. Just be more cautious from now on.

[highnoon22]

I get what you are feeling, and I would probably manage this the same way. I do not have ADHD, someone in my family does, so my answer might be different than someone who has it. I would call this situation, "in over my head." I think I would be "way in" at first because of the dire needs of these people, but after a while, I would think, I've done my part and more. If they kept asking, I would stop looking at their messages, and block them. Also, there is a remote chance that this could be a scam. I probably would not feel guilty if I blocked them. I would separate my heart from my irritation of the constant asking for money and move on. I have a couple other charities that I donate to on a yearly basis, and there is only so much money available to devote to them too. I applaud your good intentions and respect you for knowing you needed to end the drama and move on. Happy Holidays.🙂