Hi everyone.
I need your opinion.
I've done something I'm not proud of and concerningly I'm feeling very little guilt, shame, remorse or empathy.
I'm not going to sugar-coat it and I don't want to force empathy or sympathy out of all of you because I refuse to let that be the point. Despite my triggers I need someone to be brutally honest with me; I need to hear the truth rather then what I like to hear.
I've deleted my Tumblr account because I wanted to run away from my problems.
I was sharing posts on the situation of Gaza and for awhile I was feeling good about myself for actually taking action upon a crisis like this. Then I was receiving direct messages from Gaza citizens in dire need of aid; I began to feel slight anxiety about that.
I wanted to go under the radar when it came to showing support and never actually wanting to speak to anyone in the slightest. I completely ignored their messages at first and just carried on sharing posts that were sent to my inbox; until the messages kept coming and I couldn't ignore it anymore.
On and off I donated to the people that messaged me because it just felt wrong not to; I felt I could handle this, but I couldn't.
Their messages became frequent; whether it was the same person or someone new, it made me want to ignore them more. Obviously they needed my help so when I wasn't responding they'd reach out again and I knew it would be so shitty to continue ignoring them, so to combat that guilt I responded and donated.
I guess by this point I felt dreaded while overwhelmed and wasn't handling anything the way I should have, I wanted it to stop.
I was going back and forth in my head on what to do, deleting my account felt scummy and cowardly considering that people are being blown to pieces while living in tents and I might as well be giving them the middle finger. While on the other hand constantly donating didn't feel reasonable; since I not technically employed I guess I felt "justified" to maybe not donate to everyone often. I didn't want to tell my family because I knew I was acting impulsive and didn't want to deal with the embarrassment, even though they would be supportive.
I couldn't handle all the messages from everyone in dire need so I buckled and decided to delete my account.
Before I committed the scummy act I decided to donate various posts and to the people who messaged me for the first and last time , I didn't care how much I was spending, I wanted this to be over with. In my eyes I abandoned them; I ran as far as I could because I couldn't handle it.
After that I didn't feel the usual feelings I'm accustomed to such as: guilt, shame, regret, remorse and self-loathing, instead I felt relived, as if weight had been lifted of me.
Frankly this concerns and disturbs me for I might as well be saying " I don't care about what I did."
If we really put this into perspective I was unable to be an activist for people suffering and dying and fled the scene abandoning them; and I'm not feeling the appropriate emotions.
I need honest opinions on my actions and feelings so please don't think for a second about trying to reassure me rather then criticize me ( if you want to do both that's fine ) because sometimes we're in the wrong. Even as I'm writing I'm still not feeling what I should be feeling after committing this.
Thank you for reading.