Rock bottom... or close to

[JustMentallyLazy]

I seriously need help, as in... I'm almost done.

I'm past 40... the diagnosis came 4 years ago after working through tests, questions etc. At the time a parent of mine had just unexpectedly died and the stress of that experience was the last drop. My family felt it through me anger, my lack of tolerance and mood swings.

I lost interest in work... which later turned into mania as the inheritance arrived. That money got spent quick. I did have an idea of creating a business with the stuff I bought and it did lead to some income. But it was completely naive of me to think that it was a good idea working full time, having a business on the side, while also having 2 small kids and a busy girlfriend that I didn't bother to ask her opinion about the business idea.

That's one of the things that I read many toil with; the low selfesteem, which then finds compensation in items or quick fire succeses.

The business I kept for many years, but at the end, it was merely a hobby and when I got fired from my long time job (which by the way was amazing that I was able to last that long with it), my economy tanked and I had to sell all the equipment at a huge loss.

The mother of my kids and I broke apart 1.5 years ago after having been together for 10 years. I devastated me... and it didn't help we had to live together for 6 months after deciding because I had to find a place to live.

At the time I had gotten a new excellent job I was underqualified for. It was a great opportunity and they were patient. My anxiety wasn't and basically ended up costing me the job after only a year.

At that time I had just moved into a new apartment and had the kids halftime. It was an overly expensive apartment, but options were limited in our area.

That meant that having lost my job, 3 months after having moven in, we had to find something new again. And this one had been 6 months under way. I had 3 months to find something affordable for someone unemployed.

The firing send me spiraling into depression and anxiety. I try to reengage with my CBT psychologist at the time, because my GP managed to get me more sessions. Alas my psych. said that it was her opinion that any attempt to work on the cognitive sides of me, would be futile with me fighting to find a job and apartment.

I felt so lost.

In the last moment we were hand a flat that I could afford. But at this point I've been on jobsecurity payment for 8 months and the little savings I had managed to keep to spread out has come to an end.

The light of the last 8 months, if you look aside my two kids who deserve all the love they can get, was me finally meeting a wonderful woman, let's call her J. I had a few encounters before her, but got dumped by them all. Not exactly a way to build self confidence.

But J was amazing. Open, forthcoming, honest and direct. So energetic. I felt comfortable telling her about my diagnosis and see even said that she sometimes felt like she might have it as well, but never got it sorted. She is doing fine. 2 PHDs and a great job in a secure business. Own house and all that.

All this was ofcourse something I learned along the way, I wasn't aiming for a provider... my love language is touch and mental connection and I was longing for someone like her. The sex was as great as our time together.

I'm the introvert type, with flashes of extroversy, so I tend to like the alone time together, but am also stimulated by intellect. Those two things don't always come in a package. I thought J possesed that...

To begin with we agreed on taking it slow, no meeting eachothers kids and so on. But we burned intensely. Our first audio communcations were 2-3 hour long phone convesations about all and everything. We even got to the point where we felt like twin flames. My heart was racing with joy and my stomach tingling like mad. Man.... never had I met anyone like her.

Time went by and me and J try to find time together. She has her kid a little more than me, so the 4 days available so also had to divide with wanting to spend time with her friends. Which is understandable. I took what I could get and hope for more.

The first big move for us, came when we agreed it was going so well between us that we felt like it would be nice if we could also see eachother in the "kids weeks".

We decided that our approach would be to introduce them all, during our summer vacation. So we spend time together and while the kids didn't immediately hook up, we did have fun. Everything felt so promising. I was in joy.

Then came me and Js vacation week, just the two of us. My passport had gone missing, and there was no way I was going to get a new one in time, much less could afford paying for a new one being on job security pay. So we did our best to be active at home and near by beaches etc.

I loved that week. All the hugs and kisses and sweet words. I really kept me going and believing in a better future.

Soon summer ended and having a busy job, J got back in rythm. I really wanted to see her as much as I could get to. But something was changing. I could feel it.

We had previously had a periode of time where we didn't see eachother for a while because she was busy. We did stay in contact though on WhatsApp. But at a point J came out and told me that she felt disconnected from me and wasn't sure it was meant to be. I was torn.... but we worked it out.

But... I could feel the same thing happening again. And by golly if I didn't go and do the exact opposite of what you should do if you feel like you are losing someone; I clenched harder.

2 weeks ago, we had a great exploratory weekend together. Went and saw places none of us had been to, or... one of them I showed her, because it was an amazing sea side cliff. We were happy and had fun. That was the last thing we told eachother before I went home so she could work. My stomach was tingling again.

Today we were supposed to have hooked up with our kids and enjoy the last sun. Never came to pass.

It's been 12 days since our weekend exploration. I was really missing her company again. Earlier this week she had suggested that we could meet up after some business she had to take care of with her association. I was thrilled. got dressed, and packed my stuff. Then she wrote me... she changed her mind. Wanted to spend the night with her friend and have some "me time". I was disappointed, but said it was fine, although it made me sad.

Last night she was out eating with her work and colleagues and had again suggested that she could come to my place after their dinner. I was thrilled again. Said yes and was already in the mood and tidying up.

Then she wrote me a little to five that she had decided to take the train to the dinner and wouldn't be coming to my place, that she would rather stay there and party with them. This time I was disappointed and I let her know.

I'm not going to go deep into past experiences about anyone, but my anxiety immediately went looking for reasons. Why had a fantastic weekend suddenly started to turn into this disconnecting feeling again.

And for crying out loud I did what you should never do..... "I'm gonna take a train and meet you when you go home... sleep at your place tonight :)"

I was missing her that much, and ofcourse my anxiety had already spun me ideas that she would bring home some random guy or one of the younger guys from her work. J is very handsy and extrovert. Especially after a single beer.

So the blowing off part during the week, topped off with anxiety and her extrovert side put me into a mood where I felt I needed to be sure of fidelity.

In my right state of mind, I know she wouldn't cheat on me. She is honest and loyal, and we promised each other we would never do something like that.

Needless to say J got severely upset over my train move. With her words and me trying to gather myself I managed to recover sense and get off the train and go back home. But I have damaged her trust in me... and Im so affraid that it's for good.

My heart is torn apart. I can't stand the thought of losing her. Not because I don't want to be alone, but because I can't see myself ever meeting someone like her again... she is that amazing to me. The way she carries herself, her wit, her smell, her attentive and caring attitude, with the twist of honesty and directness.

We ended up discussing 3 hours. I had written stupid stuff in affection and she ofcourse had been busy with her colleagues and ahdn't noticed the messages until later. She wanted to end it, because she doesn't want to be in a relationship where we have to "resolve"things. She said that she doesn't believe in taking things back and see forgiving as a weekness, because that would mean I would do something like this again.

I can't think of anything I would never do again more than what I did last night.

The best I could do was plead her that we took some time to think and then talked again in a calm mind. But I really just want us to work things out and find a new common ground.

So... this is why I'm so broken.

- 50+ applications later, out of which 2 lead to an interview.

- No money left and really counting cents to make ends meet.

- Damaging the relationship with the most wonderful woman I have ever met.

- And other circumstances as well... to be honest, I love my kids to death, and want them to feel like they have a great father, but I feel so insufficient in relation to them as well.

- No-one ever writes, calls or visits me to ask how I feel or how things are going, except my mother. Not even my best friend, who I wrote to today that she had sent our relation to the count (although I know he is busy too....)

- I can't concentrate on studying, because my mind is racing and for a long time I've felt like my medicin isn't working anymore. And I say this as someone, who is not working.

And I have tried picking myself up.

I was actually getting better. Had been listeting to a lot of Jordan Peterson, who is amazing at talking about personal responsibility.

Yesterday I did have an interview which I felt went great. But after the interview I wrote with some old employees because I had noticed people were staying there for a short time. Turns out the workplace is toxic...

Yeah and then the J thing

I feel like an absolute failure.... a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be loved or having any succes in life. I'm sure the kids would have a decent life with their mother and would forget about me in no time.... but I don't even have the courage for that. I wish some severe illness would just come and strike me down.

[Pollyanna444]

there is a path to freedom and a satisfying life...we have all been so misled!! I went thru 60+ years on a self destructive..alcohol..divorce..depression..anxiety..menopause..2 Teens...all at the same time.

I understand wanting out....stay tuned...I'm mking a Map....we all need a Map.

[JustMentallyLazy in reply to Pollyanna444]

To both Polly and Rodster

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate them and the effort.

Its crazy how overwhelming these thoughts can be...

Yesterday I decided to cuddle up with the kids and had a ok nights sleep. (Other reasons for my sleep being challenges... i use cpap).

I woke a little more sensible but my sadness of causing so much damage to me and Js relationship is still dominating me.

The most positive thing I can find about my add is the hyperfocus. Apparently it works in distress as well.

What I mean is that I went into self analysis. Im getting a little better at asking myself

- "is this really because of what you did.... or is it because of my reaction to that completely ok thing you wanted to do or experience?"

Ofcourse none of us are responsible for someone elses reactions and feelings.

And we are completely responsible for everything we do, say, think or feel... although sometimes our feelings are mis regulated, like you say Rodster.

I managed to come up with some thoughts that I want to write down in a list to help myself.

I would like to add that note on not being responsible for being born with add if its ok.

- You are not to blame for being born with ADD or ADHD.

- It is not your fault your parents didnt understand that you had challenges.

- Its not your fault that your parents and maybe other people around you chose to praise you as being "good enough", "intelligent", "fast", "sweet" etc.

When instead they should have praised you with

- "I know you feel that you are not good enough at X, but keep practicing and you will be better."

- "I love the effort you are putting into this!"

- " Wauw, I can tell you are working hard on this... keep it up."

- "You must really have been practicing on those verbs / numbers / etc"

- "Wow, if you keep practing running I bet you will be even faster!"

- "I really like the way you helped that girl/ boy... I could tell she / he really appreciated your kindness."

- "Uh so polite, keep that up, people will respect you for it."

And in the words of Jordan Peterson (I do like his thoughts and conveying of info):

- Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for taking care of.

- Do what is meaningful, not what is expedient.

- Memory and memories are not for recalling and remembering all the bad things we did or perceived were done to us.

Memory serves as a tool, so as to not repeat the things that we did wrong or did us bad and repeat the things that provided us with a positive outcome for us while not having a negative outcome for anyone else.

And yours Rodster was a nice reminder:

- No matter where you are in life. Remember its a long road... and things change. Its ok they change. Expect change.

But I will try to talk with J.... my thoughts continously lead me back to wanting to make and effort with her.

I have managed as much as to remember myself that she is not the total sum of nor responsible for my happiness, but is one of the people in my life that can bring me

joy.

She is worth making an effort for and I think what we have together is worth making an effort for.

Not only making an effort in doing good things for us both, but also making an effort to fend of the overwhelm that can arise when selfdoubt takes the place of longing.

[Rodster]

Things are never as bad as they seem to be. Our ADHD mental processes make things seem worse than they are. We don't have the chemical in our brains that says everything is fine or you are doing fine. You are not alone. Just because things are going bad now doesn't mean that's how they will be forever. There is always tomorrow and things have a way or working themselves out. Give yourself a break. Its not always easy to be nice to yourself because your ADHD doesn't allow you to be nice to yourself because it doesn't produce those chemicals. Forgive yourself for things you have no control over; its not your fault you have ADHD. I can totally relate to how you are feeling and have those feelings often. I have recently found that fish oil and cbd oil are a tremendous help with anxiety. Also, sleeping at least 7 hours a day helps a lot too. You can make it though this but try to be a little bit more forgiving to yourself. Your kids will never be better off without you.

[JustMentallyLazy]

And here we go.... back down again 😭😭😭 Because all the ideas of plans seem overwhelming and I don't know if I even want any of these things. Nothing interests me...

[Girlkitty39 in reply to JustMentallyLazy]

I had a hard, down week too. Hang in there. And dont isolate if u can get outside. Im going to visit relatives now and feel a bit more energy. God bless u.

[99cents]

I'm a male in my 40s, recently diagnosed. Stable committed marriage, with young kids. Stable job.

ADHD makes current circumstances seem to be long term.

If the woman were the best ever, why would she be unwilling to forgive or offer understanding?

In my dating years i tended to get deeply committed and serious far more quickly. Based on videos I've seen in YouTube channel how to ADHD and other reading, i think this is common, what you describe.

Rejection sensitivity is part of this too, perhaps. You feel rejected by your 10 year ex, and this J, and several employers, and etc.

If your therapist thinks CBT won't be effective, maybe seek a second opinion. But also let yourself grieve. You've had a rough time.

If you're religious, consider prayer meditation and attending services.

I've watched a bunch of videos on that YouTube channel noted earlier. They've helped me a lot.

[peaceneeded]

My ADHD affects my ability to read. I admire that you found words to express yourself. I can't say that I read your entire post.... after a few lines, I scanned to the end. Just my MO so don't take it personally. However ..... Your final thoughts are what resonated. feeling like a piece of shit doesn't deserve to be loved, wish to be stuck down.... WELCOME to the world of ADHD !!! The old saying... misery likes company. you my friend are not alone!!! You mentioned you have children??? Pay close attention to them. ADHD is genetic, if by chance your child seems to be struggling, who better to understand and support. Over time you may be able to control anger, mood swings, depression... but don't beat yourself up. You now know where it all stems from. We cant change the past, we can't change who we are... you are not a piece of shit, you obviously deserve to be loved ( your kids love you!), you are just a flawed human like everyone else. At least " we" have a diagnosis.... whats there excuse ( haha)

[JustMentallyLazy]

Thank you both... It feels really great to be able to talk about this again. And I think, atleast for my part, it's important to revisit selfawareness and understanding on a regular basis.

I noticed this morning that something as simple as retaking the personality test (16 personalities) lead me to rediscover some of the insights I had before and ground me a bit more. Regain focus.

It also very well reflects the shortcomings I have been perceiving lately. But why they have arisen and why I react the way I do.

Its important I guess to keep reminding myself of these things. Because I do feel better and a little stronger and confident. Not in a manic mood or anything like that, but atleast I am in this moment able to say to myself "You have picked yourself up before... you can do it again."

[JustMentallyLazy]

Aw man... So, I sent J some audio files, going into how sorry I was and taking complete ownership of the reason it went sideways friday night. Explained to her how she measn to me and the type of communication I would love to have.

I have come to realise that because the meds wear off at night for me, my thoughts come tumbling back in, and I did the worst thing I could... I snacked up on sugar and crisps.

So I let my insecurity and anxiety take over and create the reality it wanted.... to prove that she would hurt me. And you know what, I let it succeed.

I tried to explain this to her.

But now she has broken off. Even though she recognises all the wonderful things we had, she feels the trust is gone, and it hurts me right down to the core.

I lost her because I couldn't control emotions that stem from my childhood. Ffs... Why did I get on that train. I miss her so much now. All I can think about is her smile and cuddly nature. 😭

[Hidden]

Oh, man, I have been where you are JML. Let me share one thing with you. A couple of years ago, I heard a story on my local public radio station, where they were interviewing a psychologist who had done a study regarding how people pick partners. The conclusion I never forgot, because though I am currently in a good marriage and have been for 15 years, I immediately saw this pattern in myself from younger years of many failed, toxic and even abusive relationships prior to meeting my husband. The conclusion: People see potential life partners through rose colored glasses. Meaning we see the possible or the potential ways we align with someone and tend to ignore the red flags for ways we won't be successful with them. It's been hardwired into us as humans, and not a character flaw for you or anyone else, myself included.

I know you thought J was amazing, but honestly, she sounds like a narcissist. She may have many amazing qualities, but you deserve better than someone who cannot accept an apology, and who cannot accept you as an imperfect human, like we all are, including J who is far from perfect. People can grow and change, and she does not know this or thinks she is too perfect to need to grow and she seems to lack empathy, by her saying she thought you would do it again. She doesn't deserve you no matter how much fun you had with her or how great the sex was. You deserve someone who does not make you feel insecure. That is on her, not you.

It's possible to connect in some great ways with people who would be horrible partners. Again, I am not trying to beat you up, lord knows you don't need that. But her making plans with you and changing her mind because she got a better offer is straight up rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful and unacceptable. It would be one thing if say, it was a business opportunity, but it should have then come with a lot of apologizing from her and her promising (and following through) to make it up to you the first time. Otherwise, it's just selfish.

I had a guy do the same exact thing to me. He called me the day before his weekend started and he worked and lived a ways from me. He invited himself to come to my house after work the next day. I was happy to see him, so I agreed. I bought nice food (which was struggle for me) and cooked him a high quality meal, made a scratch made desert, I made arrangements so that my 4 year old daughter could stay with my parents for the night, and tidy my house up spotless and washed my bedding, etc. I had dinner ready at 8 when he should have arrived. He called me at 9 and said he'd had a bad day, and just "wasn't feeling it," and rescheduled for the next day. I was disappointed, but understanding. He flaked on me the next day, and rescheduled for yet another following day. I was less understanding, but not mad yet (what a fool). The third day, I called his place at 10 am in the morning to see what he had planned. His roommate said he was out on a bicycle ride and he would have him call me. I called back at 2 pm and his roommate said he was still out, which I was shocked about and asked if we should worry he got hurt or something? The roommate said I shouldn't worry....ummm OK. At 3 pm I called again, and he was still "not home." At that point, I took my daughter to my parents, told them I would be back in 2 hours (it was an hour drive each way to my boyfriend's place), drove up there and used the pay phone (yes, it was the 1990's, lol) literally 1 short block from his house, was told he was still not home, hung up and drove less than 2 minutes arriving in front of his place. He had several roommates living in a big house, and his truck was blocked in the driveway by cars parked behind him. It was a rainy, cold day, and I felt the hood of every car parked behind him and his truck and guess what? All cold---no one had gone anywhere in quite a while. When I knocked on the door, the roommate who had been lying to me answered, and all the color went out of his face and stood in the doorway, saying "Ummm, ummm, ummm" looking like a deer caught in headlights. My asshole boyfriend was at home playing videos games all day as he had lied to me. Why would he lie about something so f-ing stupid?? Needless to say, it was over, but not before this asshat tried to blame me for him inviting himself to my place, 3 nights in a row and flaking. It was so ludicrous, I just laughed at him, grabbed my couple of possessions I'd left at his place and walked out the door as he followed me out and asked me if we could be friends. "Hell no," was my answer. THAT is a narcissist of the worst kind. He and I had a lot of shared interests, and we had a lot of fun, but something was always a little off about him. It was his narcissism. You'd think I would recognized it quicker considering my father was one too.

Anyway, sorry, I am long winded--once I get going I cannot stop. But hugs to you. You are more important to your children than they may know depending on their age, and than you know. You are a good person and need someone who will love you for all your strengths and also your challenges, someone who believes in you enough to acknowledge you are not perfect and who knows confidently you can learn and grow. You need someone who puts you close to first (they do need to take care of themselves in basic ways first and foremost to have a healthy relationship with you), who thinks of your feelings when making decisions, and who can communicate well with you, including about sex, then you will have amazing sex with that person. Do not get too wrapped up in the sex part. You can feel great energy with a lot of people, certainly with someone who is more giving than this person was. Work on getting yourself to your happiest place, work on feeling whole by yourself, and work on getting your life secure and happy. The person who fits best into your world will bump into you then, and you will recognize it with all your being, because you will be present and confident. I believe in you, and that is just from the little bit you shared here, and in your replies to others. You are intelligent, and worthy of being loved for who you are, and you are worthy of being forgiven for your mistakes. Mistakes are how we usually grow, and someone who cannot accept that and forgiving, is denying a huge part of their humanity and yours. You deserve better.

[JustMentallyLazy in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much... read it all.A good way to start the day!

🤗

[Hidden]

I am glad you found it useful. The brain can more easily rationalized things, but the heart is less rational and not always interested in what's in our best interest. I know it all too well. Have a great day, my friend!!!

[JustMentallyLazy]

To me there is a lot of value not just sharing in the moment of crisis or heated affection... the considerate reflection happening over time and the results of those are probably even more important.

I continue to be amazed of what a mind can work out, given the time and inclination to do so.

The short version;

- I have let go of J as much as I can.

- I started reading a lot.

- I phased myself out of Vyvanse.

- I feel a growing confidence and I want to share these learnings.

Although my inner voice occasionally challenges what even to me can feel like emotional quantum leaps, I do feel that the changes Im undergoing are more rooted than a moments fling of intellectual infatuation.

I was never very good at reading books. Well atleast not fiction. And although I later in this post will come to question the severity of my add (if I even have it... stay tuned), I do still experience the wonderful flow state or hyperfocus as we sometime call it.

I found out I am really good at listening to books and retain the knowledge very well.

After my original post I shortly after decided I wanted to learn a lot more about myself, the brain and relations between people. I do find it immensely fascinating.

So here 5 books later, Im feel invigorated mentally. So much so that I decided to give it another go leaving the meds behind (you should definately talk with your psy before trying this, and to be honest my main reason was cost so...).

Its been hard, but my choice in books made a huge difference. Both in terms of new knowledge, but also in understanding myself and my brain and also making me more aware of handling my own symptoms.

The books:

- "Social Psychology 1on 1"

- "Emotional Intelligence" by Golemann

- "Start with why" by Simon Sinek

- "Irresistable Introvert" by Chung

- "Models" by Manson

All can be listened to. By far the most impactful and interesting to me was Emotional Intelligence. It is long, but bite it over in small chunks. I promise, if you read this, you will sit back so much wiser on yourself and your loved ones.

"Irresistable Introvert" made me question the existance of my own add. So many anekdotes that I can relate to.

Those two coupled are powerful.

And right now, the enlightenment I have experienced from those help me stave off the worst symptoms that I have been dealing with.

But something else I have noticed is that while on medication, the night time crash after the 2nd 30mg vyvanse wore off around 18 ish, was really contrasty....

After quitting, Im not experiencing this contrast, that negative self talk and anxiety.

Yes, I am back to being floored at certain times of the day, and my sleeping rythm is messed up (normal sideeffect from with drawl).

But Im also learning a lot about where this drain is coming from and what we can do to alleviate it.

You see if I assume that my add is really just introversion then I can become aware of acknowledging that this is just how I am.

Our world is to some degree setup to praise extroversion, but in reality as much as between half and a third of people are introverts which means we are just as normal as anyone else.

"Models" although aimed specifically at the male gender, did a lot for my self confidence. It sounds like a pick up book, but it really is a book that goes into the intricate relations between people and how the brain works.

All in all, becoming more aware and knowing myself better, I feel and carry myself more calmly and with more confidence.

Which in the end has lead me to today deleting all my photos of J and me.

Yes, it seems almost like adolescent immaturity with a strong protest attitude.

But she did matter to me, and deleting the photos I see not as a protest but a nod to myself and pad on the shoulder because I did so because I consciously have chosen to move on, knowing what I did, what I shouldnt do in the future and acknowleding that she and I was not meant to be. We were just not compatible...

I guess what Im trying to convey is that there is A LOT of hope for us ahead.

Set goals that you can achieve, but do so without judging the value of the goals, and without comparing them to mine or anyone elses.

If you read 0 pages yesterday, and read 2 lines today, then you are moving forward. You litterally are... thats all it takes.

Then maybe you read 3 or 4 lines tomorrow.

Remember to be grateful for your efforts towards yourself. It is going to be ok, I know because I have been down there as you can see. Next time I go down there I will toss a rope down first, so I can easierly get back up again.

Have a great autumn!

🤗