I seriously need help, as in... I'm almost done.
I'm past 40... the diagnosis came 4 years ago after working through tests, questions etc. At the time a parent of mine had just unexpectedly died and the stress of that experience was the last drop. My family felt it through me anger, my lack of tolerance and mood swings.
I lost interest in work... which later turned into mania as the inheritance arrived. That money got spent quick. I did have an idea of creating a business with the stuff I bought and it did lead to some income. But it was completely naive of me to think that it was a good idea working full time, having a business on the side, while also having 2 small kids and a busy girlfriend that I didn't bother to ask her opinion about the business idea.
That's one of the things that I read many toil with; the low selfesteem, which then finds compensation in items or quick fire succeses.
The business I kept for many years, but at the end, it was merely a hobby and when I got fired from my long time job (which by the way was amazing that I was able to last that long with it), my economy tanked and I had to sell all the equipment at a huge loss.
The mother of my kids and I broke apart 1.5 years ago after having been together for 10 years. I devastated me... and it didn't help we had to live together for 6 months after deciding because I had to find a place to live.
At the time I had gotten a new excellent job I was underqualified for. It was a great opportunity and they were patient. My anxiety wasn't and basically ended up costing me the job after only a year.
At that time I had just moved into a new apartment and had the kids halftime. It was an overly expensive apartment, but options were limited in our area.
That meant that having lost my job, 3 months after having moven in, we had to find something new again. And this one had been 6 months under way. I had 3 months to find something affordable for someone unemployed.
The firing send me spiraling into depression and anxiety. I try to reengage with my CBT psychologist at the time, because my GP managed to get me more sessions. Alas my psych. said that it was her opinion that any attempt to work on the cognitive sides of me, would be futile with me fighting to find a job and apartment.
I felt so lost.
In the last moment we were hand a flat that I could afford. But at this point I've been on jobsecurity payment for 8 months and the little savings I had managed to keep to spread out has come to an end.
The light of the last 8 months, if you look aside my two kids who deserve all the love they can get, was me finally meeting a wonderful woman, let's call her J. I had a few encounters before her, but got dumped by them all. Not exactly a way to build self confidence.
But J was amazing. Open, forthcoming, honest and direct. So energetic. I felt comfortable telling her about my diagnosis and see even said that she sometimes felt like she might have it as well, but never got it sorted. She is doing fine. 2 PHDs and a great job in a secure business. Own house and all that.
All this was ofcourse something I learned along the way, I wasn't aiming for a provider... my love language is touch and mental connection and I was longing for someone like her. The sex was as great as our time together.
I'm the introvert type, with flashes of extroversy, so I tend to like the alone time together, but am also stimulated by intellect. Those two things don't always come in a package. I thought J possesed that...
To begin with we agreed on taking it slow, no meeting eachothers kids and so on. But we burned intensely. Our first audio communcations were 2-3 hour long phone convesations about all and everything. We even got to the point where we felt like twin flames. My heart was racing with joy and my stomach tingling like mad. Man.... never had I met anyone like her.
Time went by and me and J try to find time together. She has her kid a little more than me, so the 4 days available so also had to divide with wanting to spend time with her friends. Which is understandable. I took what I could get and hope for more.
The first big move for us, came when we agreed it was going so well between us that we felt like it would be nice if we could also see eachother in the "kids weeks".
We decided that our approach would be to introduce them all, during our summer vacation. So we spend time together and while the kids didn't immediately hook up, we did have fun. Everything felt so promising. I was in joy.
Then came me and Js vacation week, just the two of us. My passport had gone missing, and there was no way I was going to get a new one in time, much less could afford paying for a new one being on job security pay. So we did our best to be active at home and near by beaches etc.
I loved that week. All the hugs and kisses and sweet words. I really kept me going and believing in a better future.
Soon summer ended and having a busy job, J got back in rythm. I really wanted to see her as much as I could get to. But something was changing. I could feel it.
We had previously had a periode of time where we didn't see eachother for a while because she was busy. We did stay in contact though on WhatsApp. But at a point J came out and told me that she felt disconnected from me and wasn't sure it was meant to be. I was torn.... but we worked it out.
But... I could feel the same thing happening again. And by golly if I didn't go and do the exact opposite of what you should do if you feel like you are losing someone; I clenched harder.
2 weeks ago, we had a great exploratory weekend together. Went and saw places none of us had been to, or... one of them I showed her, because it was an amazing sea side cliff. We were happy and had fun. That was the last thing we told eachother before I went home so she could work. My stomach was tingling again.
Today we were supposed to have hooked up with our kids and enjoy the last sun. Never came to pass.
It's been 12 days since our weekend exploration. I was really missing her company again. Earlier this week she had suggested that we could meet up after some business she had to take care of with her association. I was thrilled. got dressed, and packed my stuff. Then she wrote me... she changed her mind. Wanted to spend the night with her friend and have some "me time". I was disappointed, but said it was fine, although it made me sad.
Last night she was out eating with her work and colleagues and had again suggested that she could come to my place after their dinner. I was thrilled again. Said yes and was already in the mood and tidying up.
Then she wrote me a little to five that she had decided to take the train to the dinner and wouldn't be coming to my place, that she would rather stay there and party with them. This time I was disappointed and I let her know.
I'm not going to go deep into past experiences about anyone, but my anxiety immediately went looking for reasons. Why had a fantastic weekend suddenly started to turn into this disconnecting feeling again.
And for crying out loud I did what you should never do..... "I'm gonna take a train and meet you when you go home... sleep at your place tonight :)"
I was missing her that much, and ofcourse my anxiety had already spun me ideas that she would bring home some random guy or one of the younger guys from her work. J is very handsy and extrovert. Especially after a single beer.
So the blowing off part during the week, topped off with anxiety and her extrovert side put me into a mood where I felt I needed to be sure of fidelity.
In my right state of mind, I know she wouldn't cheat on me. She is honest and loyal, and we promised each other we would never do something like that.
Needless to say J got severely upset over my train move. With her words and me trying to gather myself I managed to recover sense and get off the train and go back home. But I have damaged her trust in me... and Im so affraid that it's for good.
My heart is torn apart. I can't stand the thought of losing her. Not because I don't want to be alone, but because I can't see myself ever meeting someone like her again... she is that amazing to me. The way she carries herself, her wit, her smell, her attentive and caring attitude, with the twist of honesty and directness.
We ended up discussing 3 hours. I had written stupid stuff in affection and she ofcourse had been busy with her colleagues and ahdn't noticed the messages until later. She wanted to end it, because she doesn't want to be in a relationship where we have to "resolve"things. She said that she doesn't believe in taking things back and see forgiving as a weekness, because that would mean I would do something like this again.
I can't think of anything I would never do again more than what I did last night.
The best I could do was plead her that we took some time to think and then talked again in a calm mind. But I really just want us to work things out and find a new common ground.
So... this is why I'm so broken.
- 50+ applications later, out of which 2 lead to an interview.
- No money left and really counting cents to make ends meet.
- Damaging the relationship with the most wonderful woman I have ever met.
- And other circumstances as well... to be honest, I love my kids to death, and want them to feel like they have a great father, but I feel so insufficient in relation to them as well.
- No-one ever writes, calls or visits me to ask how I feel or how things are going, except my mother. Not even my best friend, who I wrote to today that she had sent our relation to the count (although I know he is busy too....)
- I can't concentrate on studying, because my mind is racing and for a long time I've felt like my medicin isn't working anymore. And I say this as someone, who is not working.
And I have tried picking myself up.
I was actually getting better. Had been listeting to a lot of Jordan Peterson, who is amazing at talking about personal responsibility.
Yesterday I did have an interview which I felt went great. But after the interview I wrote with some old employees because I had noticed people were staying there for a short time. Turns out the workplace is toxic...
Yeah and then the J thing
I feel like an absolute failure.... a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be loved or having any succes in life. I'm sure the kids would have a decent life with their mother and would forget about me in no time.... but I don't even have the courage for that. I wish some severe illness would just come and strike me down.