I grew up in a very emotionally empty family. Whenever I'd get in trouble or yelled at I'd get the "sorry for yelling BUT" kind of apology where no one was ever actually sorry for how they behaved or made me feel. They word just throw the words around and then expect me to get over it. Fast forward to now.
I am in a difficult marriage to my husband who I suspect also has ADHD and has severe depression like me. We don't fight as often as we used to which is great but when we do I feel awful. He ripped into me yesterday for a handful of adhd oopsies and once again it felt like a kick in the teeth. After the initial upset I always get angry. I end up throwing his short comings back in his face too. I know it's toxic and wrong but I feel so angry.
I get zero empathy. I had a little epiphany today that I have a very critical attitude about him because he is also very critical back. No one has ever given me any grace when I struggle and it seems to have beaten that same grace right out of me. Am I alone in harboring contempt and resentment toward the same issues I see in myself because of how I've been treated?
I don't really know how to come back from this empathy void. Especially when I'm in a relationship where I might be the only one who cares to change.
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Notaspacealien
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Hello Notaspacealien,This sounds pretty familiar as part of the ADHD challenge areas.
If you are both ADHD and late diagnosed or later in life aware of your ADHD there are all sorts of challenging dynamics that can be created.
Recognizing that you are throwing his short comings back at him because your mad (probably more hurt and scared, just a guess) is the first step. You are aware of what you are doing and can therefore make adjustments.
Even if you are the only one working on yourself your relationship will change as you change. It can't help but to change because you are becoming a different person.
As best you can, be kind to yourself, and your husband - even when you're mad - and when emotions are neutral and controlled you can talk about the work you are doing and see if he's open to learning.
That's all you can do is take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and others, and manage your reactions.
You can't make them feel, think, do, or say anything. They have to choose to act, think, or feel what they do.
I am hugely aware that the idea of having a choice in how you think, feel, and react can feel yucky. The first response is "oh great so I'm doing this to myself? " or "nope! I have no choice they made me feel, say, do X"
It's a tough nut to swallow so take it slow, learn about your ADHD, be as kind as you can to yourself and husband and know you are doing great.
Coming here and putting this out there took guts, kudos! You can do hard things.
Hang in there,
BLC89
Resources:
ADHD 2.0 - book by Dr Hallowell, easy read packed full of info.
There is a great woman therapist who has great insights, GoodMorganTherapy, here's one clip that seems to apply to what your going through: instagram.com/reel/C-vfy7vP...
What BLC89 said is great, especially the clip (though it's pretty ADHD intense )! Can you try to work on turning the communication around a bit when you are both feeling a ok as you can? My spouse and I have I think been pretty tolerant of each other's issues because we both have them. He can't complain about my piles of papers so I can't complain about his pile of empty cans for example. We have both paid bills late and lost keys and missed appointments and what not and still moved along the best we could. Maybe you could just talk about trying to look at it differently, like take a break from being critical of each other for x days or some such, even if it is painfully hard to hold your tongue, and for him too, and see how it goes? Are either of you able to get help from outside, like therapy, meds, etc? If not, at least there are so many resources online. Jessica McCabe's How to ADHD on YouTube has lots of great advice for understanding yourselves, for example. The new book by the Holderness family is fun and positive too.
if you have audible, try these three you tube channels and their audiobooks. Listen to them with your partner (or read physical copies). How to adhd (book by same name), the holderness family (book is adhd is awesome), and adhd_love (books are small talk and dirty laundry). They have all been enormous in helping me understand adhd and learn to have me and my partner be more supportive of each other.
I really admire your bravery. When disagreeing , I think it is best to use statements that avoid the word “you.” For example, “When _____ happens, I feel _____ and I don’t enjoy it because…” I think it really takes the attention away from “personal” and is immediately constructive. The attention’s on the action(s) and the aftermath instead. I hope thins improve gor both of you—-singly and as a couple. Please, be well and good to “you” first so that you can give the best you to those you love.
There are books on emotional abuse that might help both of you to change if you are willing to read. One is, "How To Be An Adult In Relationships." If you can't buy books, there are great therapists putting up materials/videos online. Search for topics like, "Emotional maturity" and "Emotional Availability" and you will be able to watch them free.
If he's telling you he says it's all you, that a big red flag. My marriage ended before I knew I was ADHD. And my ex made the whole thing about me. Hearing that excessively won't help you with your ADHD. If he knows you have it and wants to understand you when you try to explain it to him, then consider making a plan in case he springs a divorce on you. Start stashing some money, open up a separate bank account if you don't have one, if you have someone you trust ask them that if the crap hits the fan with your marriage can you stay with them for awhile. Keep some bags packed in case you need to flee. I was blindsided. I know it didn't help my ADHD any. In fact, I'm sure it was more PTSD thrown on top of my ADHD. This disorder so sucks! But if he won't change by trying to understand you, the next move is up to you. I hope for the change for you and your husband. Trying to have people understand what you are going through is so difficult. I hope you are OK.
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)! Can you try to work on turning the communication around a bit when you are both feeling a ok as you can? My spouse and I have I think been pretty tolerant of each other's issues because we both have them. He can't complain about my piles of papers so I can't complain about his pile of empty cans for example. 
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