Woman married to ADHD 66-yo-man... no words for this struggle

We married 7-1/2 years ago. Had no idea what ADHD was or how it would be center stage in the day-to-day for us/me. Have had to fight for every step of treatment or dialogue and I am exhausted. Does this improve with age? Or am I wishful thinking? He told me not to mention ADHD when we first married as first wife blamed him for everything. Now I know why. We knew each other from high school. 48 years later it all makes sense why our dating didn’t work out then. I get so frustrated daily that I become emotionally hijacked. He finally tried meds a couple years ago but he honestly says he cannot tell if it helps any. His inattention to the effect his lack of attention toward other people, and his inability to see how what he “doesn’t do” affects others in his day to day life is a core feature. And he is a minister and a special ed teacher. Huh? I feel so much like a mother with a child with special needs. To all outside my home life he seems so benign. To me, he is becoming too much to make room for in my head! Can Anyone identify or give me some hope?

[happy_kitty]

This video might help. youtube.com/watch?v=LcZuL1j...(Not working as expected?)

It's a youtube video called "How to Help Someone who has ADHD" by a youtuber called "How to ADHD." She gives some great tips and backs her suggestions with science and experience.

Hope this helps!

[Lovinit in reply to happy_kitty]

I started watching her videos last night and I LOVE them! I wish there were more people who are like her in my life. She’s so helpful and I love her aliveness.

[Hidden in reply to happy_kitty]

I watched. Kinda a Lot yo take in so I will watch several times and stop it yo meditate. She reminds me of him... 200 mph and so upbeat....... so much in there.

Thank you for your kind care.

[Lovinit]

2 utubes I like watching recently ADHD BRIAN and DR RUSSELL BARKLEY. watch all of them. When his medication wears off his symptoms will be back. It’s I think like a chronic illness, it wall never go away. A compassion and supportive person in his life is important. Consequences accountability and reward is important. And the reward needs to happen soon within the same day. External ques to help him remember, systems, routines become habits. He has no sense of time so timers and watches are important. Sticky notes, placing things in sight and where he will typically use them or see them and be reminded. Its easier for a new habitat to stick if you work on one at a time. Big goals or projects helps if he has some one brake it down in steps and does them a little each day

Hope this helps ease some of your stress and helps him work on bettering his life and yours 💛

[Hidden]

Thanks. Any verbal from me seems like criticism. Is like egg shell walking. No matter how compassionate ... he sees it as I am calling him broken or something wrong with him... and I have nothing wrong about me..... all the problems we have are his fault... and is VERY defensive. Ugh. I know his history and upbringing and I know all his reasons for feeling these ways. Bottom line here is the only times he Tries to understand himself is if I am in danger of closing off. Or leaving. Then he will do whatever it takes. Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t want it this way. He literally has So Little Insight into his ADHD and how it affects his relationships. I have no impact over what he chooses to ignore. He is a “dreamer” and thinks he is always “positive” and “loves everyone” but feels like now he won’t hear anything I need as a need but a complaint or criticism. Thanks for replying.

[Crobes]

OMG your words struck a chord with me. I married 6 yrs ago to a now 52 yo old. He never mentioned ADHD but my family after being around him told me he was. My sister is a physician. Any time I mention getting help he gets angry. I hear “you’re so perfect, I want to be like you”. The argument is suddenly turned on me and he’s very defensive. I’m his 3rd wife. It is absolutely unabearable at times. He things he’s broken (his words) and it can be such a bad fight with punched in cupboards or doors. If you figure a way for your spouse to get help, I’m all ears!!!

[Hidden in reply to Crobes]

Right now I cannot think of anything that will move him to do anything other than I have already gotten him to do. I have read and understand that the shame of knowing he has a “problem” (ADHD) makes him be defensive. His stepmother was a woman who was very very critical and made him feel like she was the perfect one and he was defective. He went to see a psychiatrist where he was a teenager (I don’t know who made him go cuz a teen doesn’t make appointments such as that in the 60’s)... and he supposedly told him that his stepmother had the problem and that he didn’t need to come back. His father was a physician and divorced bus mother after she had a history of psychiatric problems and he kept the kids. My husband hasn’t broken things or pinched walls (yet) , but my prevuous husband did. And I have to yell you my skin crawls at the thought that your husband is physical. Because my ex (2-1/2 years into the marriage) did punch walls and threw furniture into walls and banged his head into walls, and he and I had a HUGE fight one day. He took scissors to my clothes and threw His valuable items around breaking them. Then threw me out of the house after dragging me down the front steps then called police on me, saying I was trying to kill him. I didn’t know at the time but he had made three deep lacerations to his inner forearm and told them I did it! Long story short ....I was lucky to be alive but on domestic charges, and in jail and homeless until the trial 5 months later in Ohio when he made an ass of himself so easily that the jury took 20 minutes behind closed doors where I heard them laughing. His first statement before sitting down was he would not swear to God. Anyway. May I encourage you to heed your sister’s advice that this man is ADHD and since he is physical you will be a target some day. And you may not survive ? If he is feeling you are critical and sees you as, sarcastically, the perfect one.... some day he may let loose on you in a fit of rage and make sure his domestic violence is covered. I live in Ohio and the law here (I found out nine months later) is that on a Donestic Violence call, with an injury, the one with the least amount of injury goes to jail. THIS was after I had called police over 15 times and left him twice in 2-1/2 years. A whole other story is why I stayed it even came back. He was very convincing to manipulate me that he would try harder etc. oh my goodness. If I could say one thing it would be to tell you to make a plan to leave and don’t look back. Or you will be very sorry. With age he won’t get any better. Please take care of yourself. Find a way to leave and don’t even tell him. Get an attorney. Listen to your family. Be safe. My ex used to come looking for me when we would fight and I felt stalked. Be safe.

[HadEnuf in reply to Crobes]

Crobes,

That seems like a bit more than ADHD: the rest might be cognitive rather than organic—for example, triggering emotional responses that ADHD makes more difficult to handle (been there, done that, repaired it); but ADHD alone doesn't quite cover it. Medication can make choosing the right response easier, in the moment, but not without first having learned how to make that choice!