I am staring at a looming divorce if I dont promise to change my ways. I am expected to show my love to my wife through actions everyday. Be excited in her everyday. Have interest in sex everyday. Make her life easier everyday. Consistency is required.
How much of it is attributed to ADD??
After 5 years of marriage, she said that she has been lonely all through the 5 years. I am unable to understand, as from my POV, she is my love and I love her deeply.
3 days back, she left me and I am clueless as to how to deal with it.
Written by
prasanthk
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I am sorry for your loss. To answer your question, yes we all deserve positive relationships.
ADHD creates many challenges in relationships often because consistency is so difficult. Creating a vocabulary around which you can talk about the inconsistencies is hugely important. If you don't talk about it resentment grows and festers and relationships fall apart.
You think your wife is your world and if your actions are contradicting your words you need to take a look at why that might be. Is it too hard to show affection? Is it too challenging to be engaged everyday? What about the needed consistent actions is so challenging? Can you talk about that with them?
Then there is the idea, you may not like, that the partner you found is the best match for you but you are not the best match for them. ADHD symptoms are too much for some people. They don't have an understanding of the different wiring and therefore can't understand you no matter how many times you explain.
One way to start to deal with the loss is to gain understanding of yourself. What does your ADHD look and feel like? What are your biggest challenges? Get honest with yourself, ask your friends and family. Really gain knowledge about what drives you, what really lights your fire. Then take that knowledge and look at your relationship through the new lens of understanding. Can you see where your wife was coming from? Do you understand how your actions, or lack thereof, could be perceived poorly?
What can you learn from this relationship to make yourself and future relationships better for you and your partner?
I am truly sorry for your heartbreak. It is a reflection of a poor match or lack of understanding, not a reflection of you being broken. You are not broken, I promise.
You are not responsible for your wife's words and actions. You are only responsible for your own.
Living with ADHD is challenging, and ADHD can have a big impact on relationships ...but your wife would need to be accepting of the fact that you have it.
If you love her and you do what you can to show her that you love her, then that's all that you can do. There's always room to improve yourself, but that goes for her, too.
I was married, and now I'm divorced. I loved my wife and wanted to be married to her always. She left for her own reasons...but I think that some of the biggest factors that she ended up leaving didn't have anything to do with my own struggles, but with hers. (I know that she has some personal issues from before we married that she never fully resolved...and unless she does, even if she did want to get married to me again, I think we would eventually get divorced again.)
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Be your best self. But that includes having true self-acceptance. Do your best to improve yourself, always. However, also realize that you cannot be everything that someone else thinks you should be.
Do not take responsibility for your wife's actions. And give yourself the same grace that you would give to a friend.
I’m sorry your wife didn’t communicate more bout things. I was with my ex for 10 years and realized we kept trying to change the other, and abusing each other emotionally in the process. When I was 28, I met my current partner of 13 years, and we openly communicate when we are having a hard time. It took me until my mid upper 20s/early 30’s to set my pride aside and communicate things with my partner and not assume they are happy because they dont communicate. My partner and I check in with each other emotionally at least once a day, and check in on our relationship weekly. If something is bothering us, we touch base openly without judgement. It was not easy to get in this habit, since… ADHD. But it was extremely beneficial.
Before the divorce, I would start checking in with your wife, and see what you can change to make things better. Take notes and make a conscious effort to do the things she requests. Maybe ask for couples counseling. If it is past that and the divorce is almost final, You can start this early on in your next relationship. I would read the ADHD_love couples book “dirty laundry”. It gives insight on the things you do with ADHD and how it affects your partner. It also helps your partner learn to communicate in a non-demeaning manner and how to not assume you are doing it on purpose.
there is a book called "What does everybody else know that I don't" it talks about ADHD and the blind spots we have. it open our eyes to what other people have to deal with and gives helpful tips. I have found a marriage counselor LMFT who does the Gottman Method and EFT method. I was told by my individual counselor to look for a counselor that uses one or both of those methods. Once we become aware of how our behavior affects others there is hope, that is half the battle.
I have also Read the book "Search For Significance " By Robert McGee
A relationship is two-sided. You both need to make a conscious effort. As others have said, you need marriage counselling. You will both become resentful of any changes you attempt to make now without guidance. Change is not necessarily the answer. Rather, maybe you both need to accept your condition. Though you will need necessary support with your ADHD with someone to help you.
Constant attention and validation have nothing to do with ADHD. Those expecations are not realistic. They are more like one expects from an ideal mother, not a partner. Attachment issues, which related to ADHD but not the whole story (look that up) Or it sounds like she wants you to make up for something, some wrong or perceived wrong that you have done. That hurt would need to be worked through first.
Maybe, because you love her so deeply, and she is the love of your life, you have become more relaxed in love with her?
You DO love her, you've told her that, you know you do, and so there's no need to say it, mention it, prove it or be it anymore.
It would make sense that you're 'settled' with your feelings, and that's why she has been lonely. The feelings you have for her, are yours, BUT, they're 'for her'. If you don't show those feelings, if they don't prove themselves anymore, I think it's time to relight the fire.
Start by buying her a gift. Send her flowers when she's least expecting it. Make dinner, do the housework, have her best interests at the forefront of your mind. But do it 'for her' and not because you 'have to incase she leaves you'.
Hurts when she's gone, right? That's her trying to rip the love you have out of you. Just give it to her, your love for her, is hers. She wants it back.
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