How do you explain neurotypical motivation/distraction issues?

[courtm187]

I know that I have ADHD, both from my diagnosis and from just knowing myself. There is no question. I'm pretty sure I got it from my dad - he's never talked about it but it's pretty obvious. I'm almost positive my mom does NOT have it. My parents are divorced.

I'm trying to get my mom to understand that I have ADHD, but she is pointing out that she has had a lot of these problems too, and she is neurotypical. She understands what ADHD is and that it's a real condition people experience. However, she seems to be having a hard time acknowledging it in me as opposed to just, well.....we all have a hard time sometimes, right?.......

My mom has talked about difficulty she has had learning. She needs to take notes, and she felt like she had learning troubles in med school - she can't learn by someone talking at her, she needs to see it written down, and always felt "different" than her classmates in respect to learning ability. She reads slowly and needs to process what she reads, and wishes all books were shorter and to the point. She says she is always struggling to keep her brain and house organized, but she is motivated by liking having a clean house. She is distracted, almost paralyzed by loud noise, barking dogs, loud music, people talking. She can't think well on her feet, always needs to process things retroactively in isolation/quiet.

QUESTION: I don't know how to respond to my mom telling me these problems she's experienced, because I don't know what it's like to be neurotypical. A lot of the issues she describes, I say - that kinda sounds like ADHD, but I'm pretty positive she doesn't have it. Can someone be like, super mildly ADHD?? Or is it just you have it or you don't? How do you explain neurotypical motivation/distraction issues?

[schesmu]

How can you be so sure? If she thinks these behaviors are normal, she might have it as well. I have a somewhat similar story, and a similar thing happened to me when I was diagnosed, and had to explain what is adhd actually is. She gasped and said that my father had the same behaviors. She downplayed it a little because of ignorance and not wanting me to feel anxious, but it was obvious to her that I struggled with the things associated with adhd all my life, and that it was genetic.

My younger brother was actually worse than me when he was a child, but he only had adhd as a child which is good.

Maybe your mother had it as a child?

[courtm187 in reply to schesmu]

interesting, I've had her do the assessment and she answered yes to a few but not enough to need a diagnosis. She and I have talked about whether she has it and I've made her listen to all the webinars and she's said the more she hears the more she doesn't think it applies to her.

I think her issue is anxiety, and maybe that's causing some of these distractions/learning issues, but I'm not a psychiatrist. But if I had my way I would definitely have her see a psychiatrist and get an evaluation

[schesmu in reply to courtm187]

I see, yeah a psychiatrist would be the better option to assess and evaluate her. If the problems aren’t bothering her then maybe it’s fine not seeing one.

But if she needs to see one, why wouldn’t she? Why is she against it?

[courtm187 in reply to schesmu]

my therapist told me that I'm not going to find the validation I'm looking for in whether or not my mom is diagnosed, and to focus on my own journey. haha. touche

[Pollyanna444]

show her this...youtube.com/watch?v=34rniXl...(Not working as expected?)

[BluebirdAbove]

Hello- your mom could have the Highly Sensitive Person trait (HSP). There are parallels with ADHD, such as processing differently and getting emotionally flooded /overwhelmed. Check out HSP podcasts and research by Elaine Aaron and others if you are curious. Good luck communicating with your mom. Everyone has different ways of viewing their symptoms and I see a lot of folks so uncomfortable with the ADHD label. I hope the negative stigma eventually changes.

[ADHD33]

One thing I’ve always found fascinating is the way that the DSM changes diagnostic criteria and even whole disorder categories from time to time. Today we all happen to fit the diagnostic criteria for adhd - but ten years from now there may be new criteria, new sub-diagnoses, etc. I take the actual diagnosis and criteria with a grain of salt meant for insurance companies and to help medical providers make things more standard. I instead love when I’ve heard adhd described as a spectrum disorder with varied presentations, which (from my experience) definitely seems more accurate. I’m super high functioning in some areas and a total hot mess in others. Your mom may not “fit” the current diagnosis - but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have some unique adhd-ish qualities. She may present differently, more mildly, or even have just come up with skilled coping mechanisms that mask her symptoms. Remind her not to get too caught up in the black or white of a diagnosis (or even “neurotypical” vs not) when the DSM gives itself the flexibility the change it’s definitions over time! Try and be more flexible and talk about what qualities and struggles you experience continuously and ask her to respect those. She may never truly understand… but if she gives you the space to seek help and treatment as you feel you need, you will move forward. Remember, our parents are people and sometimes even just their emotions (mom guilt, denial, etc) may impact their ability to accept things about their kids. Ask her instead to just support you as you build a team for yourself (psychiatrist, therapist, coach etc… whatever you need) of people who DO understand and allow you to grow and learn about how to work with your adhd. Down the road, never know, your mom may open her eyes!

[courtm187 in reply to ADHD33]

thank you! this is very helpful

[BTV65]

Yes, I believe you can have a mild case. More so, you can have other parts of your brain, support/shore up the parts that are struggling. My wife has ADHD, very clearly. However, she is super successful and brilliant. I had ADD as a kid (never diagnosed), but I was very functional as an adult. My coping skills kicked in during my late teens and carried me through until my early 30s. Then my ADD started to get worse and it began to impact my life more and more. My wife would say "You weren't like this when we met". It's happening for her as well. Things that were easy in her mid-20s (like juggling multiple projects), now require copious notes and calendar entries. Lots of "to do" lists to keep her organized.

All of us are a package deal. So many different things going on in our brains as it learns, builds, forgets, practices, sleeps. Some parts get better, other parts get worse. We are all a work in progress and no single diagnoses will encompass or explain why each of us behaves the way we do.

The funny part is at the end of the day, we really don't know *why* ADHD exists. It's a common set of behaviors and functionality in the brain. Why does one person have it but not their brother? Who knows? Certainly not the doctors. Even meds don't effect all of us the same.