I am writing this because at this time this is the first outlet that came up in my google search- which to be honest i don't even remember what i typed.
I have struggled with something my whole life and in 2014 i was diagnosed with ADHD and i feel no relief or peace. My life since then has become more complicated. I am now married with ONE child which feels like a gazillion of them. not to any fault of her own but because I am just simple incapable of coping with all of this responsibility. I have myself, my husband, daughter, full time work and household duties and boy everyday i tell myself i got this but i am drowning.
The amazing advise and encouragement from my husband who has tried it all to help me somehow seems like i will never get it or understand it. It's like he speaks french and i am there while he is talking to me trying to figure out how i could make i'm sorry sound better than what it did the last few trillion times i said it in just the last hour. Or take that rush of emotions that say i could do this into the aha! moment i needed to get all my ducks in a row and make promises that my optimistic and unrealistic thinking self - that suddenly appeared in the last 5 mins and think she could conquer the world self- opens her mouth and makes all these promises that fail because she is too all over the place to get it together.
My marriage is falling apart and although my daughter is 3 years old my relationship with her is horrible. All of this burns the inside of me and i hate to even look at myself in the mirror. It hurts to even think i am human. How could i be when I am a disaster or a train wreck waiting to happen. It's like i am a train and everyone is throwing things in front to stop me because they see i am running off the tracks but nothing seems to help the chaos that's coming.
How could i explain that my lack of planning or getting it together has nothing to do with laziness, or that i dont care. I am not going to sit here and say i am a perfect human being. I struggle with character flaws and hit me if it sounds like i am crazy but i think this ADHD thing makes it even more impossible to address other underlining issues. I am defined as selfish, defiant wife, disrespectful, inconsiderate, lazy, doesn't care and more. How could i blame anyone though, especially when they've put their heart and soul into loving you and loving their family and trying to hold it together while it seems like you're just chillin (when deep down you have anxiety so bad because of all the loose ends that you want to vomit your insides out every split second of the day).
I have so much more to type but i have to somehow make dinner- even that seems like climbing Mount Everest and it's not because i am lazy or consider my family a burden. it's because i literally feel pulled in so many directions my mind is not calm and i dont know how to calm it down.
Welcome, however you found this place. I think you find a lot of people here who relate many of the struggles you mentioned. It is a struggle that those without ADHD have a hard time understanding. That alone can strain relationships.I am curious, you said you were diagnosed back in 2014. How are you managing your ADHD? Meds, therapy, a combination of things or none of the above? No judgement, again just curious.
Old_Owl thank you for replying to my post. The thing is my husband i think and he also thinks- has ADHD but he has learned how to manage things and he is very disciplined. Even though there are some things he forgets and does that clearly show the ADHD. He's like on another level because early on even though never diagnosed his culture and the way he was raised there was no option to be stuck, you had to move or be moved by force and get your act together. The expectation was high and his discipline is far beyond what i could keep up with. He tries extremely hard to help me and i wonder everyday what is wrong with me that i am so extremely delayed.
I have tried two different types of medication and one made my heart race and me feel even more out of control.
I am in therapy but i wish i could afford an ADHD coach but it's too expensive. I actually found an amazing company that provides weekly sessions and the opportunity for me to call WHENEVER and have someone available to talk to me. The most difficult things for me is that my husband is fed up and rightly so. If i were in his shoes i would feel how he feels. The support i had in him in the past has thinned out and now he wants to see results or at least effort. But i am depleted of energy and my self esteem is so low that at one point i barely showered or even washed my face. I am trying to dig deep but i'm just there standing with a shovel in my hand fantasizing how it would be like on the other end.
These frustrations are shared by many of us with ADHD. There's a lot of commonality between people with ADHD. One of the wonderful thing about this board is seeing your not alone. We are also different from one another. We've lived different lives, had different experiences and have different dreams. This means our journey is our own. We can't expect to progress as fast or as well as anyone else. What worked for your husband might not work for you. Your journey is going to take the time you need.
Same with meds. Keep working with you Doctor. There are a number of options and some medications work differently for different people. Don't give up, keep trying. And stay with the therapy.
I really don't have an answer on how to better your relationship. It sounds like you're in pain with it And again, your not alone with these kinds of issues. And again all relationships are different- so what works for one may not work for another. If he is open to couples therapy, that might offer both of you a chance to develop the skills to work through this.
My thoughts are with you and I wish you well on you journey.
Dear ADHDVSNORMAL i just joined this site maybe a hour ago - and first person i see - is like my younger self desperately looking for help. Just like i am, now, too xx. Please please hang on PLEASE! I won't read you any riot act or try to unravel your mixed-up'ness. Or preach about things I've learned (cos i forget most of them) Or tell you call your psych or samaritans or religious advisor... And i won't tell you "run away" (useta want to run away from my own situation but.. i couldn't even get out the door cos i kept forgetting what to bring with me. Serious. I'm a granny now and i'm not gone yet.)
Do you get moments when you feel better or calmer? I get them sometimes. So i am tryna think calmly so i can see if i can help you in any way...
Your little girl ❤️ she needs you sooo MUCH. Yes she needs you, no matter how bad you think your relationship might be (i had 2 daughters just 15 months apart. I know what it is to be overwhelmed. Totally overwhelmed xx my girls are grown up now - and wonder of wonders, they are STILL as close and good friends with each OTHER as they ever were. Inseperable ❤️❤️. And i am as lonely as if i never had children! Have 2 sons as well (and still married to same hubby, their dad xx, still love him - and i cry a lot cos he deserves sooo much better than the hardship i brought on him.. Useless at housework (that's me) unable to hold down ANY job - and unable to stay AWAKE while my children were small (due to enormous amounts of psych med i had to take, to keep what-psychs-THOUGHT-i-had (manic depression aka bipolar disorder) under control. 'Cos of my failures at parenting (and housekeeping, meal-making) all my children bonded better with their dad. I was the odd one out, the under-achiever. Came from extremely unhappy childhood myself. A harsh, unloving mother plus gentle, loving father who tried to protect me and my sister from our mother's angry outbursts. Her verbal insults, physical violence, emotional & physical neglect of me and my sister (and unhealthy "grooming" of our brother)
resulted in the total breakup of our family after her death... Long story. I still think bad things about myselyes!was never friends with my sister (we are toxic to each other) and brother pretends he doesn't see me when we pass each other on the street. And i feel really sorry for my husband cos he got stuck with me. The sad case. Always crying. One of my WORST symptoms is - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I'm not officially diagnosed with it but i DEFINITELY suffer with it. And I've had it since birth. A "Crybaby" my mother called me. Always "pussing" - another of her insulting descriptions...
Please! Please! You have a job, a house (home ❤️) a toddler and a husband. And symptoms of adhd. That's 4 jobs (yes! Husbands can be as difficult as toddlers to care for, it's true!) I don't know HOW you do it, i waa not able to work after my first child was born. My symptoms of inattentive ADD, forgetfulness of daily routines and poor self-esteem plus Emotional Dysregulation - they have worsened over the years due to not being officially recognized and no help of ANY kind offered. From any source.
Dear ADHDISNORNAL - please try something (maybe from this website? or from your doctor/ pharmacist or health food shop?) to help that feeling you have of being unable to cope.. Would adhd meds help? Or yoga maybe? Cos i am looking out for something too. I will let you know how i get on, if i unearth anything helpful from next psych bappt, please God 🙏 dunno if you believe in God? Or in prayer? For me, prayer helps. Because when everything else is gone, there is God. There is always God 🙏 . Take care xx Mary
SolasChoir- Thank you so much for your love. I feel it through your words and expressions. I do have moments of calm but when i argue or have conflicts with my husband- i literally tank. I can't manage it. I am trying to find the middle ground/threshold where i am leveled and could function and possibly see results. My husband is so ready to help me, i just struggle in figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other in the right direction.
To many it sounds simple but for me it's like reaching for something that is right in front me yet but i can't reach it and sometimes i don't even reach- my arm just wont stretch out.
There's so much I want to share with you, I wish we were face to face talking over a coffee or glass of wine. First off, Welcome! You've found a space to be you and express whatever you need to. Good on you for seeking and finding something positive!
I recently decided to take a sabbatical from work. I'm 66 yrs. and raised 2 daughters while working full time and maintaining relationships with husband, other family, friends, etc. Plus all the things-house cleaning, meal prep, dishes, baths, bedtime, reading, homework, play dates, lessons, Dr. appointments etc., etc., Any woman reading this knows what I'm talking about. My point is IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ONE HUMAN! Heck, IT'S TOO MUCH FOR TWO HUMANS! So remember that you are in a challenging situation of the highest order. Even "Normal" people struggle mightily in this situation.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 60, but knowing what I know NOW, there were many signs along the way. The number 1 sign was tardiness! I was always late. I frequently missed the beginnings of meetings, appointments. Occasionally, I forgot to pick up my daughters from school or dance practice, ran late driving the carpool, a few minutes late to work now and then. The 2nd sign was operating like I had a motor running inside, interspersed with periods of doing NOTHING. I was SO BUSY. Somehow, despite my struggles, mishaps, complete screw-ups, I managed-until I hit post-menopause.
I was doing research on ADHD one night, looking for ideas to help a student I was working with. I learned that the number one symptom of ADHD in girls and women is LATENESS! This lead me to get an official diagnosis. I've been struggling ever since to work full time and deal with my symptoms. Emotional dysregulation, easily frustrated, difficulty completing projects, taking twice as long to do the same things as others do, promising to do something, then completely forgetting, watching myself allowing one distraction after another, putting things off until "tomorrow", too much clutter, RSD, on and on and on.
The good news is I am learning a lot. That's my goal right now; to develop some simple routines and strategies that help me cope with my ADHD and live a happier life. I have some suggestions that might be useful to you. No prescription or judgement intended, just a brainstorm of a couple of ideas.
flylady.net
This site offers a complete and detailed set of routines for managing an entire household, but that's not what makes it special. It's creator, Marla Cilley, loves fly fishing. She calls her subscribers Flybabies. She is always positive and encouraging. Lots of helpful mottos like "Even housework done incorrectly still blesses your family" or "you're never behind, just jump back in where ever you are" "Your house didn't get this way overnight, baby steps"
Can be overwhelming. Don't try it all at once, but check it out. It has helped me so much. A tool I keep coming back to.
Jaclyn Paul is a writer, blogger, and wife, mom, woman with ADHD. She writes about the challenges of living with ADHD with understanding and compassion.
Lots of Videos this young woman has made to help ADHDer's and others understand better. She's open,smart, vulnerable, funny. Shares lots of great information.
There's lots more to find, but that's a lot to begin.
I also use "Brain Dump" when I'm overwhelmed. Just write it all down. Get it out of my head so I can think more clearly. Have google write it down.
If possible, get help with anything you can. Hire housecleaning help once a month, every other week. Get groceries delivered. Find a community preschool, or neighborhood baby sitter. Make meals super simple. Counseling or coaching for ADHD-check medical insurance.
I wish you the best on your journey to discover the strategies that are the right ones for you and your family. Like everyone's brain, each person's situation is unique. Over time, with effort and support, I believe I am building a life of health and happiness with ADHD. I believe you will too. Baby steps.
GardenGirl2 your post sunk down deep. I wish i could sit with you and talk. I wish i had someone i could talk to without them getting tired of hearing me. Someone who could encourage me even when i still cant see the picture that reminds me to keep pushing, to be gentle to myself and love myself.
I don't mean that i want someone to blindly be by my side but someone who's nudge or forcible push when needed is done in such a way that although harsh- doesn't put me in a state of immobility. And even if it does put me in a state of immobility that that person realize it's not because i don't want to move, or maybe i am stuck in my feelings and i need a moment to clear my head to put myself back in perspective/ readjust to see the picture clearly. There are so many scenarios i just wish i could express myself well.
I have the best life anyone would love to be in my position. My husband fights me to take care of me- to work out, buy clothes, self care and more. I could be spoiled beyond what anyone could imagine and we are not rich/wealthy but ANY means. And i won't even go into how amazing for a Dad he is. But why is my world falling apart. Why am I not able to find the start mark? why?!?!?!
This evening i am going to look at one of the resources you provided. I need to get better like yesterday or my marriage will fall apart. I love my family and i can't imagine bringing this grief upon my kid. Both my husband and daughter don't deserve this.
There is so much more i want to share with you. I am extremely grateful you took the time to reply to my post.
You have a lot on your plate. I was finally diagnosed correctly at the age of 44 a year ago. After 30 years of being diagnosed and treated for anxiety and depression with no effect! Stimulants have made a lot of difference. However, In this time I raised a daughter and a son and worked also. It was a struggle and I was not in a good place and really wish I had the correct diagnosis and treatment back then. So if you are being offered treatment please accept. Also if you can cut down work to part time I would definitely do this if possible. A job is a job but you and your family need to come first. We are a mere number in the workforce and little credit is given for the sacrifices we make for our jobs.
Mumspoodle thank you with all of my heart for replying to my post. I feel so edited to everyone for all of the love, concern and care. At times things get so bad that i feel there's NO ONE else remotely close to what i am or who could possible understand. My experience is something that only if you live it you could relate.
I am seeking treatment and i feel discouraged because it seems like these psychiatrist just give you meds and they don't help to build the picture and end goal you're trying to get to- if that makes sense. I am looking for a new psychiatrist now and hopefully i find one that is a better fit (this would be my third one). i struggle for that work and family balance- i was about to write more about it but i literally just got exhausted at myself.
I am learning >>> acceptance. of ourselves. that we have this and all that comes with it. that way, when the ground falls from under us, we don't constantly feel trainwrecked. we temporarily forgot and will forgive ourselves. that way if nobody else does, we did. ❤️
as for dinner and everything else
>>>one step at a time.
you can say the next step out loud. little one will learn by modeling, that gentleness with oneself is a good way to be. she may even know one of the next right steps. ❤️
ServiceSloth- "You are home... breeath" my heart fell into a warm pocket. Thank you. i want to say so much more but i think i tired myself out trying to response to everyone in one shot.
I don't want to forget to reply and express my deep appreciation for the time to reply back to me. Thank you for the reminders. Please whenever you can...i welcome it.
thank you my friend. I just inhaled and exhaled and didn’t feel pain. I felt warmth. I can’t wait to come out at the other end ServiceSloth. I can’t wait …
Firstly, having a three year old is hard and it is really hard when you have a full time job and can feel impossible when you have ADHD. I was also diagnosed with ADHD in 2014. I can tell you that adding parenthood to the mix with ADHD can be really hard. You have much more on your plate and so does your partner so you are both stretched thin and the overwhelm that comes with ADHD can be debilitating. When my child was still little I was stretched thin and not accomplishing as much as the parents I saw around me. I felt distain from my husband and I was irritable, as well, which affected our relationship. I also felt like I couldn't share how overwhelmed I felt with my husband because I wasn't pulling my weight as I was and couldn't explain how I wasn't getting enough done but also felt like it was too much.
It sounds like somethings got to give. Firstly, is there anything you can do to make life easier? Can you order a pizza instead of cook dinner? Would it be possible for you or your husband to work part-time until your daughter is in school full-time?
Secondly, I think it is important to be around people who are do you have any friends with kids the same age? Can you set up a play date so your daughter can play with a friend and you can chat with their parent? I remember feeling like I was losing it on a snow day and feeling like maybe I wasn't cut out for parenthood. I ended up talking to other parents who felt like they were going to lose it, too. It felt better to know that the way I was feeling was actually pretty typical.
Lastly, I would consider talking to a therapist. Some employers have Employee Assistant Programs. You can an 800 number and can talk to someone about how you are struggling and they can help with resources. There are also ADHD coaches who can help.
I listen to a lot of ADHD podcasts that have been immensely helpful in understanding myself. here are some:
Like everyone has said, you are VERY welcome here...this is our...now YOUR tribe.
I'd wager everyone who has come here, especially late-diagnosed adults have posted (or thought about it but too apprehensive...ring a bell? ) the same lifelong avalanche (an understatement to say the least) of guilt, shame, rejection, anxiety, and the list does go on...seemingly forever. We all have our very own, custom made, one-of-a-kind, bespoke version of this "gift." Just know, you have nothing but love and understanding here.
There are a number of resources, some of which GardenGirl2 brought up. I personally found Pinterest (I know, right?) pins when I searched "neurodiversity" to open up a wealth of understanding. Lots of pins from tis lady: neurodivergentinsights.com/.... That lead me to ADDITUDEMAG.com (owned by WebMD) which was a BUNCH of data, but everything I read made me feel much more informed on what is happening, why it's happening (lots of reasons...mostly neurotransmitters way out of whack), and several treatments, both medicinal and behavioral. Harnessing the power of our gift, also known as running down rabbit trails ;), I went to the Additudemag YouTube channel. That lead to finding Jessica McCabe's Ted Talk, then her "How to ADHD" YouTube channel GardenGirl2 mentions. Ms. McCabe and her tribe of "Brains" and "Hearts" rock and has helped me make sense of so much. Not to leave a rabbit trail unexplored, I also found a Stanford Psych doctor named Andrew Huberman who has "Huberman Labs" as his YouTube channel. Lots of general psych help there, but he has an ADHD video that is very informative. Heads-up, it is more than a few hours long, and we...well...you know.
A few things to share that I have picked up along the way that help with not just ADHD, but a few of the delightful "co-morbidities" like "Generalized Anxiety Disorder," "Non-seasonal depression," OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria," and the list goes on, that come along with ADHD at no extra charge:
Celebrate all wins: It may seem silly, but pick a few things that went right today. Even if it is something like, "Hey! I got out of bed today, made it to the coffee/tea pot, and managed to not stub my toe!" Why? Because it is a win...and my guess is you know we need a win...like all the time. One leads to another win, the next thing you know, the score is Wins: 27, Losses: maybe 1, but probably zero.
We make mistakes...just like everyone else. I've actually become pretty good at making them. The difference between us and a neurotypical or "normal" (whatever that means) person is they say, "Oops" and move on with their lives. We on the other hand wear it like a Scarlet Letter. That hasn't gone away for me. But at least now I know the world won't screech to a halt and hold me personally responsible for the woes of the world (yeah, it used to be like that for me...enter RSD).
Parenting: It is okay...my kids didn't come with an owners manual either. If they did, I probably wouldn't have made it past the first few pages if I read anything at all. you have a partner...he can (if able) help too. I think I recall you mentioning he may be a ADHDer too. ADHD does have a genetic component to it, so your little one may have it as well. If you have the medical resources, get that sweet girl in for official diagnosis. It will help her a lot to get an official plan for school.
Collaborative Care: Oh boy. It looks great on paper. If you have access to an actually competent team, it is the way to go. Given your comments above, it sounds like we're in the came boat. Your family doc says, "Here, try these amphetamines. That is what the book says to give you." "That didn't work? Here, try these...." All that "help" in the span of 20 minutes if you're lucky. "Nothing working? Here's a 'referral to psych.'" Anyway...AdditudeMag has an article and PDF document that you can send your doc.
Nutrition: Big big factor! We already know what to eat to be healthy. None of which are in an easy-open container, microwavable at least, or providing instant gratification. Remember, we are impulsive, impatient, and distractable. None of that supports food prep, following even the most simple written instructions (okay, I'm definitely speaking about myself in this one), or waiting forever (or three minutes for the water to boil). Ms. McCabe (How to ADHD) has great tips on ADHD-friendly household stuff, including the kitchen.
Here's the upshot:
-Lose most of the sugar (all is impossible).
-Lose all sodas other than maybe unsweetened (not just sugar free) sparkling water
-Little to no processed foods. That includes packaged meats.
-I hope you like and can tolerate fish...not fried. It is magic food for us.
-If it's a veggy, and any color other than beige, it is good.
Supplements:
-Omega 3 with mostly EPA over DHA (it should be on the label)
-Vitamin D & K2 (taken together)
-MCT (Coconut oil has lots) and makes something called "Bullet Proof Coffee" which you'll either love or hate...no middle ground in my experience)
Again, AdditudeMag and Huberman have a lot of info on both nutrition and supplements.
Wrap up: There is so much more, but I'm not going to overwhelm you (or me). When I used to go to a church, they always opened with, "Come in. You are welcome here." Yeah, it was a very inclusive and "progressive" org. And welcoming, with all of what makes us exceptional in the ultimate sense of the word is what all of us here need.
I wish i had more words. I feel overwhelmed with all the love and concern. Overwhelmed in a good way. But my brain is exhausted. I go through these highs and lows and they could happen all in a matter of minutes. I am not feeling very good about myself. But i appreciate so much your reply.
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) the same lifelong avalanche (an understatement to say the least) of guilt, shame, rejection, anxiety, and the list does go on...seemingly forever. We all have our very own, custom made, one-of-a-kind, bespoke version of this "gift." Just know, you have nothing but love and understanding here. 
ADHD and Friends
Feeling lost and hopeless
ADHD and Alone
ADHD life
ADHD or something else
