Relationships..

[Lani24]

I'm just curious about other peoples experiences in relationships. I guess I've always been smart but scattered, capable but chaotic and so on (turns out diagnosed ADHD)... And Ive always attracted/ been attracted to the complete opposite (sticklers for routine, organisation, structure), who obviously found me pretty frustrating to say the least. Anyway when we have ended up not working out, Ive always labeled them as kind of assholes who criticized me for being inconsistent, messy, unreliable which I thought were pretty insignificant traits in a person anyway and kept on minimising all my ADHD typical traits. I guess now that Im facing the fact that I am diagnosed with ADHD I'm wondering moving forward how that fits in with having a healthy relationship? Wheres the line around support, acceptance, owning the impact ADHD has? Or is there like an ADHD anonymous dating site...half joking....

[kami73]

I guess its pretty typical for us ADDers to have trouble with relationships. How long Have you known you had add/adhd?

I know I've had my share of relationshop problems and now, sadly I have chosen to be single. Just finding out I have adhd at 45, it all makes sense now. I need to learn to manage it before I try for another relationship. Is it me? Is it them? Am I choosing the wrong people because of my adhd's affect on my ability to choose healthy relationships? Am I damaged and they have had it? All stuff I have to figure out. Therapy is very helpful. Wish I had known years ago.

[magikkell]

I didn't realize I had ADHD until last year, and I think a big part of that was that I got married at age 19, 13 years ago, and had always been very open to try to change my behavior. Rather than think I was OK to be messy and unorganized, I actually loathed that aspect of me and tried to change. In that, my wife has been very supportive and understanding, it just lead to the occasional blow up when I'd stay in my office for 48 hours straight trying to finish some project but actually wasting the whole time online.

I think the main key to a successful relationship is being able to admit when you really are hurting someone else and trying to change. I just didn't realize how hard it was due to the condition, so all along I always thought that most problems in the relationship were my fault and I needed to change. I still think that's correct, it's just that neither of us realized how hard it is for me to not be that way. My wife also didn't constantly harangue me about it, and sentiment wise I actually really do prefer rules and order, I just can't stick to my own standards.

One thing that's helped both of us is that we went into the marriage 100% committed to make it work no matter what, and this was further strengthened because we had (and have) a really strong faith commitment that we see as the foundation of the relationship.

My advise, then, is the following: If you don't want to live single but in a committed long term relationship, find someone that agrees with you about what really matters in life and where both of you really enjoy each others company in ways that you naturally act. I think part of that has to involve accepting that even if you have some flaws related to your ADHD, some qualities of yourself are genuinely good and likeable. The capable chaoticness you describe, for example, might mean that you're pretty funny, witty, and good at seeing the humor in a situation. For someone that is usually a stickly rule follower that can be refreshing for living more in the moment, making the every day grind fun, and doing more spontaneous things. Of course, I don't know you, but you can probably think back about what friends and past partners have appreciated about you.

I'm actually not so sure that being in a relationship with someone else that also has ADHD is necessarily a good thing. I can easily see that resulting in some important things (bills, due dates, etc.) just being ignored by everyone. What works for us is more of a task delegation. For example, my wife pretty much keeps track of our family calendar, organizes birthday events or initiates conversations to plan Christmas, when to visit family, etc. I actually enjoy bureaucracy and legal stuff, so when it comes time to do taxes if she sits me down and gets me started I just get on a hyper-focus binge and spend 3-6 hours straight doing all the taxes. I play with the kids and come up with silly ideas for what to do. She straight up tells me: "Hey, go do a load of laundry right now!" because if she said "Please remember to do a load of laundry today" I'd most likely forget it, but in return, I don't groan, protest, or get upset, but just go do the thing. Or, she invites me to do things together (cook, clean, dishes) and I can stay focused while we're doing stuff like that.

We also occasionally sit down and talk about how we're spending our time, our money, who does what, etc. and try to find a fair way to balance tasks and responsibilities that plays to our respective strengths. For a few years I've started committing to something like "Change 1 thing" where I try to change or adopt a habit about one thing at a time that really bothers her, and she's fair enough to not have one of those "let me dump everything that's ever bothered me about you at once" conversations. For example, not leaving my dirty clothes next to the bed but putting them in the hamper at night. I'll try to remind myself of that several times a day, and then hope to remember it at night, she might gently remind me "Hey, weren't you going to work on XYZ?" and after a few weeks I can usually implement these things. Yes, I might fall back on old patterns, but doing this one step at a time, with support, and with genuinely trying rather than having an attitude of "How ridiculous is that?" we're making this work.

Now, I've never dated anyone else, and we didn't move in together until after we married, so that might be very different from how people usually date these days (i.e. moving in to see if it "works out" prior to making a lifelong commitment), and I kind of feel like that might be a bad deal for someone with ADHD that genuinely wants to change but has a bunch of hard to change habits that can be difficult to live with. But I think open communication and being honest is a really good way to go. If you're at the point where you might spend a lot of time in the same living space as someone else I think it would be really important to sit down and have a conversation about ADHD and explain what that means: It's not that you're ignoring their requests or brushing off their concerns, and it isn't a willpower thing, it is just really hard to "remember to remember" anything. Tell the other person to be open in voicing habits that really bother them, acknowledge when your behavior is genuinely harmful or hurtful to the other or the relationship, and make a plan together how you can both help you do better. Find workarounds, change the space, layout, workflow, whatever. The important thing is to get a dynamic going where you see the two of your working together as a team to make the relationship work, and not a "me against them" dynamic, or where you're the "project" that needs fixing.

Anyways, that was a bit of a long rant, but the main takeaway I wanted to share is that long term stable happy relationships between someone with ADHD and a complete rule stickler (my wife won't ever speed, leave a grocery buggy in a parking lot, run a red light, fudge on taxes, etc.) are perfectly possible, but they do take work.

[topdonster in reply to magikkell]

I enjoyed reading all of that. Continue sharing awesome tips for managing ADHD. I really like the part where you said "it is just really hard to remember to remember anything". That is LITERALLY the center of ADHD.

I also really appreciate your strong and open-communication relationship you have with your wife; it reminds me of my own. And yes, it's hard making changes, but I know it's all so very worth it! To be happy, and on the same page as your significant other is a great feeling.

Ours certainly didn't happen until a few years in, but it takes understanding and honestly to really work. We get that now.

It's just an easier life all around. Happiness really does start at home. 💁🏼‍♂️

Cheers!

[RachealCR]

I'm married to my high school sweet heart. We've been together for almost 16 years. He's an introvert who likes organization, cleanliness, and routine. I used to be much better at all of those things, but after having my daughter, my ADHD symptoms really started to show. My therapist said it's because I no longer had the energy to keep trying to keep my shit together all the time, so I had to let something slip. Anyway, it's been a bit frustrating for him since I've gotten more lazy about cleaning and I'm exhausted after a day at work trying to keep my shit together. He's super understanding though, and when I do get bursts of hyperfocus I try to be as helpful as possible. I've recently went on medication, and it's helping at work, so I'm less exhausted when I get home. So, don't give up hope! There's partners out there who will adapt and support you.

[HadEnuf]

The biggest problem is often getting a partner to understand that one's symptoms are those of ADHD, not those of disrespect.

It doesn't help that we can “perform” if overstressed sufficiently—after which we collapse utterly (or worse, melt down)!