I've given up on trying to find a partner and I'm 37. My life revolves around my dog, working my hospital job and gym sometimes. I just have so much insecurities, I don't ever try anymore or go places to look for women or friends.
I blame ADHD and depression. Also a family that didn't help me when I needed them.
When You Quit Trying, is when the guy shows up.
Hello daybyday365,May I suggest focusing on understanding yourself as well as you can?
I totally get lack if support from family and it sucks now and sucked when you were younger.
The insecurities you feel are a belief you are not worthy because of their actions, or lack thereof. Their actions and ignorance have nothing to do with you. You are you, you are great just the way you are.
Find the parts of you that you like and focus on those. Find anything and everything that plays to your strengths, get some momentum going in a positive direction.
Blaming their past actions for where you are today isn't giving yourself any credit. You are saying that you have no control over yourself, which isn't true.
You have ALL the control. Most people don't want to hear that, it's too much responsibility. However, it is in fact true.
You control you, you control your choices and reactions.
If you can accept that you are choosing to focus on your relationship with your dog, you are choosing not to try, your whole perspective changes.
Minor shifts in language can have a massive impact.
"I'm too insecure to talk to others" changes to "I am choosing not to talk to others"
In the first one you have no power or choice, you are stuck. In the revised version you have all the power and choice.
When you choose to not make friends you're in control, actively driving the bus. If you think "I can't make friends" well then you're stuck. And just to add insult to injury your brain believes you! "OH, we can't make friends, ok, then I won't be on the lookout for opportunities that may arise. I will look for confirmation that we can't make friends."
I'm not discounting anything you have gone through, it was rough. You can choose (there it is again) to let it define you and be stuck or you can choose to grow and learn and explore opportunities as they come up (and they will).
You can do this, you have survived some sh**, you are tough and capable.
You deserve all the happiness life has to offer. Internalize that idea and the world is your oyster, as they say.
Take the parts that help - hopefully there are a few nuggets - and leave the rest.
BLC89
I hear you.
A lot of people have been expressing similar struggles in recent years. Just with men, this seems to be an epidemic, but I think that it is a growing societal issue affecting men and women.
I do believe that it's never too late to find love (and I've certainly heard plenty of stories of people who found it later in life, even after they gave up looking for love).
I also think that there are multiple potential matches for each person. (I used to think that there was one perfect match for each person, but now I admit to myself that I was very naive.)
I'm 49 (M), divorced, and struggling to keep afloat financially. I can imagine getting to a point where I'm ready to try again...but that seems still out of arms reach.
What I'm doing now is following advice I've heard to just work on myself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. By growing as an individual, I benefit directly. And I'll also be more ready for a new relationship, if the opportunity comes.
~~~~~
It has been observed that a lot of women in recent years have been waiting until about 40 (give or take a few years) to start a family.
Work on bringing out the best parts of yourself. Don't do it to try to attract someone. Being secure in who you are, being a complete person in yourself is said to be very attractive to others. (Or so I've heard. Like I said, I'm working on it myself.)
” giving up” is decision we make when we cant obtain something we desire. and sometimes giving up on a desire is actually a good thing if that desire is actually bad!
finding a life partner is a healthy desire though! but romantic relationships can be messy, n complicated and really do take effort to build n sustain. when we are not the best versions of ourselves n feel depressed n low n defeated, etc…. thats prob not the best personal space to be in when u pursue the goal of companionship.
we dont attract healthy people when we ourselves are not mentally healthy. healthy people do not pick mates that are actively on the mental struggle bus - not because they are bad or better- they are just healthy! and thats a good thing bc it takes alot of mental fortitude to create a great relationship!
develop yourself into a person you love and respect…. that will attract healthy partners
🍀
it may happen when you least expect it. Just keep being you and doing the things you like. Someone with similar interests will pop up.
Good day, daybyday365,
Thank you for reaching out to the CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. It's perfectly fine to take a break from dating or searching for a partner. Often, people find someone special when they least expect it. If you're interested, we offer support groups here at CHADD that might be helpful for you. chadd.org/affiliate-locator/
Here are some articles on relationships, chadd.org/attention-article... and chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-ne...
If there is anything you need, please let me know.
Best,
Liseth
Health Information Specialist
CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD
Wow this is a big topic for me. Thank you for bringing it up. I agree with a lot of the advice given above. Be yourself and whether you are with someone, or dating or not, you can enjoy having the freedom of being yourself and getting to like certain parts and working to improve other parts. I'm 54 and single and with my brain and body, i think i am past dating or relationships. For me it's not worth giving up time to give explanations of who i am that would then need to given, and then accepted by someone, and then to just end up alone again. So my return-on-investment analysis is I am not really sure I want to be in a romantic relationship ever again, maybe I shouldn't have ever been in any. I have so much going on to just take care of myself and sometimes barely doing that, and then just getting older...eh. I just try to be nice to those I think are nice...not just men im attracted to, but all men, women, dogs and cats, and I usually get niceness in return. That's a good feeling!!! Hang in there and be true to who and how you want to be...it's then easier to decide who to let into that life you've built.
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