Dating with ADHD

[white_rose]

Do people feel like their ADHD makes dating harder? I often feel like I end up "scaring" off a person. Even after years when I think I've learned the right amount of energy or information to give while getting to know someone; I wonder if I'm not able to read social cues well enough to understand flirtation, etc. And so guys end up just wanting to be friends. Or I get sucked into a narcisstic-like fling that leaves me shaking afterwards.

[Gettingittogether]

ADHD interferes with EVERYTHING. Heck, walking your dog regularly, feeding the dog regularly, purchasing the dog food regularly ... ADHD makes every element of life harder. Planning and execution pervades all of life. Heck if you want to be a rebel, you have to plan and take steps and so on.

So yes, ADHD interferes with relationships, and yes, ADHD can interfere with reading social cues. I feel like I have spent the past ten years of my life (since my diagnosis) just having fun learning how to really pay attention to social cues. And btw: ADHD can even interfere with our own interpretation of our own feelings. The term for all this is "emotional regulation" or "dysregulation" ... you can google ADHD and those terms for more.

Lots of dating and social interaction is based on unspoken things, how close someone stands to us, their ton of voice, my own tone of voice and so on.

The good news is that you can practice and get better at the social elements. And you don't need to be perfect in those elements to get a good life partner. If you can afford it, I say get to a really high-powered CBT therapist who specializes in social skills and social anxiety. I was helped enormously by such a therapist.

[white_rose in reply to Gettingittogether]

Thanks for your reply. This line really sticks with me, and gives me a better perspective: "...having fun learning how to really pay attention to social cues." I like it! And yes, I'm curious about getting an ADHD coach. I think it could be a good experience for me.

[FindingTheAnswers]

For me, I believe it does. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 47. The ADHD Rx was a true life changer. And my life was much improved. But at that point, I had 47 years of bad programming' in my head. And along with that, all off the crazy dysfunction I had to deal with my family growing up. I still feel odd, weird, an outsider. I'm not sure how many women I've scarred off over the years. And throw in 1 divorce. There were years in between dates (that went past the 1st date). But I was lucky that there was 1 woman who stuck around long enough to really get know me, or as I say, she knew how to handle me. I still feel that I'm way, way behind most people in....? In a lot of ways. I feel that I still don't get 'IT' for certain situations in life (whatever 'IT' is, as I cannot define it). The link below is to a Podcast from Melissa Orlov on "ADHD and the Just Right Relationship"

podcasts.chadd.org/e/adhd-a...

She is a frequent contributor to Chadd and Additude magazines and websites.

chadd.org

additudemag.com

I'm quite a bit older than a lot of people on this site. But still would like to find 'the one'. But am I..... too afraid of it, should it come along? (Probably)

[Tim_Othy]

Dating, in this culture, is hard. Finding the one is like finding a unicorn, unless you don’t search. I have been divorced for 16 years and haven’t been in a relationship for three. I’m happy, I’m not committed to an outcome, whether with or without someone. I have the same characteristics that you state in your post. Our characteristics are praised by some who appreciate communication, openness, creativity, etc.For those that don’t that cool too, we are not needing to have all dates fall wildly in love, just one. The right one that really likes who we are.

Most important to me is that the person knows who I am and that I know who she is and that we get along well, etc.

if you can accept and enjoy being with yourself you will always be on the right path whether with someone or not.

It took awhile as I was for years looking for someone to fill the space deep inside. I found that I was the one to fill that space and I know I am more at peace and a much better person.

My hope that you will have a great life

[GatsbyCat]

Hello, White_Rose~

Very interesting question! For me, ADHD affects EVERYTHING in my Life!

And, with my years growing up in a highly dysfunctional family (bi-polar mom, anger management issues for my father - he had an alcoholic and physically abusive dad) there was a lot of cognitive dissonance going on... the sky is green the grass is blue)...

As you can see lots of issues; So dating was easy in college, Surprisingly I only had group dates in high school. I didn't start finding my voice until college and talking..have not stopped. But my flakiness led to lots of first dates. Then I got into a serious relationship. At that time, I hadn't "deprogrammed" from my core family and learned how to set boundaries. Eventually that relationship ended badly.

Since then, I've been working on educating myself about ADHD, and using CBT therapy and other methods to calm myself down. As others have said in other responses, learning to love and accept yourself is one of the MOST IMPORTANT things you can do to help yourself (and any prospective partner).

Also, to help educate myself more, on recommendations I've been reading:

1)Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell Barkley (2nd edition with Christine Benton)

2) ADHD 2.0 by Hallowell and Ratey

These are both positive, which I prefer, as I can be too negative on myself already.

Also to help calm and mindful speech, I like meditation and pilates or yoga.

Being your own best friend will also help you find someone that appreciates your creativity, humor and more. Get yourself into a good happy place, where you have self-confidence because that will help you not only in dating but your whole life. No one other person is going to fill you up completely anyway. Having a partner is great when you're supported and loved. BUT, I like to also have a few friends to speak to for different perspectives and such.

BTW, I'm now engaged to be married to a wonderful person who does know all of the stuff about ADHD. He is a very encouraging person, and I have been going thru all of the stuff with therapy to get myself in a better place (before him, and now with him). So, it's been helpful for me (AND him) to take care of my self worth, etc first.

I found a mantra from Emma McAdams on YOUTUBE- her channel is therapy in a nutshell and its "You are enough. You are worthy of Love. You deserve to be happy" She's who I watched when I wasn't ready to start talking to someone yet, and because of her genuine caring, I was able to finally go and talk to a real live person

Okay, I hope that these suggestions do help you out White_Rose. We all deserve to be happy in our lives. Best wishes on this journey of life.

Regards~

GatsbyTheCat

🐈

[white_rose in reply to GatsbyCat]

Thank you for the encouragement; I really appreciate it! I've decided to learn more about ADHD and do CBT therapy to help me orient myself and feel good about where I'm at. That does seem most important right now.

[sharkticon]

Honestly for me I had no problem dating. Going on dates was so fun and stimulating, I think it gave me the extra dopamine high I needed to be a closer to normal person. But you are certainly dealing with something and I'm sure ADHD is exasperating it. I would be curious what you mean by narcisstic-like fling. You might actually be dealing with BPD, an attachment disorder, or actual narcissism. But if you thought you were a narcissist then you are probably not. Or maybe just need to work through some feelings of self doubt. Don't give up. it can be tough to find someone. The best advice I've ever heard is make yourself the kind of person you want to date. keep dating people and continue to work on making yourself a better person, and I believe you will get there. Maybe consider talking to a therapist, counselor, or life couch that can help you dive into your thought processes.

[Chantal]

Hi! I am dating someone with ADHD and it is definitely a challenge. Initially i had to do all the chasing, he always seemed to enjoy being together but as soon as we were apart he'd forget about my existence and never text 😂. He's now a lot better with that, but his communication sometimes leaves me going "wtf?!?" completely missing the point or not understanding what i need. It's a challenge but communication is probably key. He is also super smart though and lots of fun, so, swings and roundabouts!