My BF dumped me because of my ADHD.

[IAmZozo]

Hi, I am currently healing from getting dumped by my boyfriend of 1.5 years.

We always had trouble with understanding each other. My ex kept nagging me to do things correctly, I would tell him I have to do it my way because my brain is different from his.

So apparently this is a pretty common problem in relationships. I don't know how possibly I could have handled it better, since I sent my ex videos and articles on ADHD and he didn't seem to engage in any of it.

Who here has similar experiences or insights on this?

[Quincie]

Sorry this has happened. But now you have good ideas of how important it is to be upfront right at the start when considering dating someone so he knows what to expect & you can know sooner if he has the patience & flexibility to work with you. But don't make your entire identity about this - the ADHD is just some spicey seasoning tgat keeps you interesting! 😉

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the community!

Well, to answer your question in part...I think that people only see what they want to see.

~~~~~

Here's my story:

I was married for 20 years.

We originally met in 8th grade, at age 13. First, we were classmates, then friends, then on-again & off-again as boyfriend and girlfriend.

After a long time apart, we got back together at 26, then married a month later.

I had my struggles with inattention, distraction, memory, losing track of time, and have always been very disorganized. These were all the things that drove her nuts...she commented or complained about my traits regularly.

And yet, when I was being assessed for ADHD at 19 years into our marriage, she insisted that I didn't have it. Within weeks, I had my diagnosis and a second opinion confirmation of the diagnosis...one from a licensed mental health counselor, the other from an MD.

She thought that she knew ADHD when she saw it, but she was blind to it in me.

Our marriage ended a little over a year later. It wasn't directly because of my ADHD, but I know that my long-undiagnosed condition had caused issues over the years. But it wasn't the real reason she left. (She left me for someone else.)

~~~~~

I've had to learn that if someone wants to leave a relationship, any reason that they can come up with can be the reason for leaving. My wife, who had plenty of reason to blame me for issues in our marriage, told me as she was filing for divorce that I deserved better than her. (If she'd asked my opinion, I would have said that was nonsense, and that she's a much better person than she gives herself credit.)

.....

I see my marriage in a different way now. I had always given her most of the credit for the good stuff, and myself most of the blame for the bad. Now, I recognize that she caused a lot of issues, too, like how controlling she could be of me and our older kids, and how she often created scenarios that caused our eldest daughter to react against. But my wife also held the family together, she provided most of the structure in the household, while I strived to provide emotional balance (as much as I was capable of).

Relationships do take a lot of work, and I learned way too late that you should get couple's counseling when issues begin to cause problems. (On average, couples don't go to counseling until 6 years after the problems start in their relationship.)

.....

For all the problems that we had in our relationship, at least there wasn't any abuse (well, except her being controlling and me being a burden from time to time).

After it all was said and done, I can truly say that I have no regrets.

~~~~~

Take time to grieve the loss of your relationship. I did, and it helped me to move on.

Get into therapy, so that you can get help with processing the emotions you're experiencing.

Spend some time with friends. Do things together that you enjoy. (I didn't do this, and I think it slowed my healing.)

Look for the lesson in the loss. There's always a live lesson to find.

And be kind and caring towards yourself, like you would be to a friend who was dealing with heartbreak. Be a friend to yourself.

After you've had time to heal enough, then be open to a new relationship. Decide what's important to you, what qualities you like the most in someone else (like, best 3 or 4 qualities... you can't have everything on your wishlist).

In the meantime, learn more about yourself, what you like about yourself, how you want to grow, what kind of "love language" you have, and so on...

[Laviedamocha]

Sorry to hear you’ve just split up. Having a partner that understands, is willing to listen and is tolerant without being a doormat is important in any relationship and I don’t think you should put this down to ADHD. If you say that it’s because of ‘your’ ADHD you may always feel it’s down to you that relationships break down.

Relationships break down all the time and most of the time it has nothing to do with either person’s inadequacy or failing. Everyone has the capacity to be great but not necessarily great for you.

I was only diagnosed last year. I’ve been through lots of short relationships and one for 18 years with 2 kids. That’s the one that counts. We’re very happy. We both have our weaknesses and we both forgive each others weaknesses. Neither of us is better than the other we are both different but compatible.

You will find someone that is right for you and the adhd is not what will define that relationship.

[CraigD666]

Really sorry to hear that, if he wasn't interested in learning then he wasn't right for you and learn from the experience. At 41 nearly 42 I've been lucky with my current partner of 13 years she has really tried to understand the ADHD and now we have a daughter she finds that extremely hard to understand. Your young go enjoy life and all the little things that go along with this condition embrace them and you'll find someone who embraces them. I have destroyed plenty of relationships due to my traits and I try and learn from them.

[Notebook24]

Hi!

Sorry that you lost a relationship.I will give my opinion only . I want to be in the shoes of the non ADHD partner for 2 minutes! Understanding neurodevelopmental disorder and what it means in real life is hard ! Most people with ADHD take long time to comprehend their own issues and how to work around it. So how can we ask someone without adhd to understand us?

I don’t know both of you but it seems that you are not compatible! Love alone is not really enough ( this is my opinion). It doesn’t matter how much you love each other of life is unbearable then no point to stay together for you and for the boyfriend.

I hope you don’t get mad at him beyond he didn’t understand you and be empathic that he has his own life style and way of being. The fact that you stayed together for a long time means both of you tried out of love.

Learn from this unfortunate relationship and know no one is perfect with or without adhd and everyone sees the world differently and everyone has their own strength and weakness.

All the best

[prasanthk]

Hi, I can understand your situation and Empathize so. Being married to a non - ADHD person, where I was Dx'ed mid marriage and felt so guilty that I had put my wife through so much.

Initially, I was angry and frustrated about my partner that she wasn't understanding me enough and continues to take me to task whenever I let my ADD get better of me. It took sometime to realize that my partner is blinded to my experience, she cannot feel the way I feel as my brain works differently than hers.

I have come to realize it is unfair to expect her to understand me or my predicament given that she has been a victim of my ADD symptoms. I understood she doesnt deserve to suffer because of me.

This understanding led me to persevere in marriage instead of giving up. Slowly, I hope my wife and I come to terms with it. Maybe we will be able to draw up some coping mechanisms. But it requires patience and time, which might be painful. If it doesn't work, I would understand if my wife call it quits after 5 years of being together.

If it gives some comfort in your healing, I would like to tell you that it is unfair for us too to be expecting to do things the way non- ADD people do. It is unfair that our problem with brain functioning is not viewed as one and thereby deny us of that empathy / help we need.

Therefore, it might help you to know that by this breakup, you may be relieved of the trauma you might have to go through of not being understood / depression of making you feel inadequate.

It pains now, but allows you to love someone else who would be more understanding or supportive.

[PinkPanda23 in reply to prasanthk]

It is unfair that our problem with brain functioning is not viewed as one, and thereby denies us the empathy/help we need.

Wow, isn't that the truth! When people think ADHD doesn't really exist, they judge us by neurotypical standards. They can't see that fish aren't designed to climb trees, but they're superb swimmers because they're built to swim. Years ago, and even today, nobody believed there was such a thing as fibromyalgia, and thousands of people suffered terrible pain because there wasn't any research to find help for them. Today, there are medications which can help people with fibromyalgia, and people with ADHD. But there's still insufficient research and education of the general population to generate significant empathy and help. We are fortunate when we find partners that love us with, and in spite of, our ADHD symptoms. Thank you for your post!