Social anxiety and fear of abandonment

[Loshvi]

I have been a people pleaser without even knowing ...I thought I'm being nice and everyone likes me ..but later realized people just used me and everyone are selfish..I started being assertive but everyone telling me I'm rude .. and my life is getting even harder..I know what my real identity and I can't understand how socializing works ... I'm so scared of abandonment and also I'm having social anxiety with adhd... how to face this issue like a normal human..

[Cat00]

I was paralysed by social anxiety all my life, although less now than ever before at least. It destroyed my time at uni, I couldn't cope with the complexities of university social life and doing my degree at the same time. I was 38kg when I graduated and the only way I managed to complete it was by finding somewhere I could live on own and just cope with the loneliness instead.I'm 47 now and things are much better. I decided much longer ago I wouldn't ask anything of anyone anymore that way I didn't feel so crushed when they let me down. I sort of withdrew. Of course as life rolls out in its paradoxical way this seems to have made me more attractive to other people. But I still wouldn't ask anything of anyone.

One thing that has become apparent is that I have actually managed to form friendships, to the extent I probably could ask them for help if I wanted too now. I was only diagnosed last year with ADHD but it's made me realise that perhaps I was too fast for people, these new friendships have formed much slower than I would have managed in past, slower than an anxious ADHD brain can cope with really. I think the extra time has maybe allowed me to read them better?

I'm still the same person so I'm still terrified of abandonment like you, it's all still very messed up in my head but I have managed to exist in the middle ground at least, have some company on the way. I'm sorry I can't be of more help all I can say is slowing things down, a lot, I think has made a difference..

[Loshvi in reply to Cat00]

Thankyou so much.it really means a lot

[Mamamichl]

Although easier said than done, it’s important to people please YOURSELF before others. You need to learn to make boundaries after you learn what is important to you. I would start by chanting to yourself “your poor planning does not constitute my emergency”. Also, before you say yes or no, use active listening skills and say “you are asking me for… I need some time to think about it. I will get back to you as soon as I can”. Again… easier said than done… As long as it’s not a REAL emergency, like they are on fire or drowning, they can last at least an hour until you can answer or even an evening. Write down in the moment what they are wanting, then when you have time, write a benefits and drawbacks for YOU. What will be the benefit to helping the person (feel good, may be able to pay back, etc.), and what could be drawbacks (keep asking for things because freeloader, lose out on a nice meal, can’t pay bills, etc.).

EVERYONE HAS OPINIONS. You will never be able to please everyone, which is why you need to please yourself first. This quote has been attributed to the actress that plays Minerva mcgonagal, and it talks about religion instead of opinions, but it works still: Opinions are like penises. It’s perfectly fine to have one, but don’t whip it out and wave it around when no one has asked you to” 😂 . People will drain you of all of your self worth if you let them, even the well meaning ones. Good people will not be your friend only if you do something. If they do, they arent really your friend. When you have done things that make you happy and you know what matters to you, you will attract the right/good people in the world. They will respect your needs. It just matters how we say it. Would I be able to do it this way in the moment every time? Heck no! But if you practice saying it in the mirror often enough, it will be easier to say with others. You can also ask someone you trust who is close to roleplay it with you.

[Loshvi in reply to Mamamichl]

Thankyou so much it really means a lot..

[Mamamichl in reply to Loshvi]

Glad I could help..

[Geekgirl33]

For myself people pleasing has been with me all my life and I know it's unhealthy. In my spiritual study group I talked about it and was told that by doing so, I am placing all my self worth onto that person and was basically granting them my power. Nope no thank you not doing that anymore. If someone doesn't like me FOR me,time to rethink my priorities. It's a daily training for me

[Amiwrong]

you received a lot of helpful comments and so just wanted to add that being assertive is a skill and not always easy. People’s response that you come across as rude is not uncommon. This is why so many support articles, books, etc mention ‘being assertive without being aggressive’. I guess my point is to not take that part personally. Coming across as rude when trying to be assertive is typical. Someone in the comments mentioned creating boundaries and perhaps that could be just one area to focus on for awhile. Boundaries are not walls, they simply give you a voice to keep you safe and healthy. It is something I struggle with as well. Perhaps just do as much reading, listen to podcasts, as you can about the subject until something resonates :). Wishing all of us luck!

[LoveFeelsBest]

I think it’s important to be yourself and also put yourself in their shoes.

It’s not fun to be around someone with no qualities. Hey Jim what do you wanna do today? Whatever you want to do! Do you like that band Jim? If you do I think they are great!

Spending time with such a personality feels like talking to a mirror or a wall. It’s boring and weird.

Who we enjoy interacting with are people that have opinions and ideas and something to do or say that is interesting. Right? Isn’t that what attracts you to people? Those who say or do unpredictable things, funny things, super sweet kind things, educational, etc.

so if you find yourself behaving in ways that you wouldn’t wanna be around, notice and change that.

You are valuable and beautiful and magical even if no one ever notices. You don’t need to earn a thing or do a thing or be a thing. You are made of sunlight energy and your very existence is utterly amazing.

I think you can find a happy balance between being assertive and being kind that will work for you and those around you. Maybe all you need is a little practice with kind hearted folks. Maybe you Jsut haven’t found the right circle of friends yet.