How to let go of brand new hoarded stuff and other issues

[calamitousdoglover]

Hi there

I'm 51yo and I've just been told my assessment is in 2 months, but from what I've learnt in the last 8 months, there should be a picture of me next to ADHD in medical text books, I have this thing so bad.

I can't believe it's taken this long for me to realise it myself after listening to a radio programme on ADHD, and that no medical person mentioned it, even though I've had hours of psychologist assessments thanks to past medical negligence (they just diagnosed an 'adjustment disorder', when it should have been ADHD, PTSD, OCD and probably a few more initials!

When I finally mentioned it to a few of my largely dysfunctional family, the comments ranged from oh I knew there was something wrong/I thought you were bi-polar/just different/"bouncy" (my favourite answer from my niece, bless her), but I'm now trying to work out how I can possibly move forward when I can literally forget I'm taking a tablet whilst in the middle of popping them out of the packet, amongst a whole lot of other stuff and medical issues.

I've also only just realised the huge gaps in my memory of basically my whole life are probably to do with this, otherwise I've had dementia since I was a teenager, which feels really sad. Other people say oh do you remember x, and I'm like absolutely nope. I have to ask my ex-husband about our lives, it's very bizarre.

Anyway. I moved house almost two years ago, with enough stuff to fill three houses. Unsurprisingly, most of the boxes are still unpacked. As we will be knocking our house down to rebuild at some point, I do need to sort these boxes out and stop just moving them from house to house.

I just wondered how others deal with all their possessions they don't really need (but might if they can just lose x pounds), can't quite throw away or donate in the meantime, such as brand new clothes with tags still on (probably got £000s worth of these) and many other items, either brand new or quite high value. I did donate van loads of stuff when we moved, and lots more since, but I seem to particularly struggle with brand new clothes/similar.

Any thoughts gratefully appreciated. And much ❤️🤗 to everyone going through this insanely under-diagnosed bi*** of a thing, or supporting those with it. I know others say oh it's great being 'divergent', but for me, I'm fine with my cancer, mental tinnitus level and other stuff already making me different, thanks 😬

[Knitting20projects]

Awwwww, just sending you a huge hug from across the Atlantic 💕💕💕💕💕. I don’t know if you have heard of KC Davis? She’s an American woman who has a website, podcast, & TikTok channel that could be really freeing and uplifting for you. She discusses how cleaning, tidying, etc should be judgment free and are much harder for people with ADHD, depression, and many other situations. I read (skimmed if I’m honest) her book and feel better about the dust in my house already 😂. Hope this helps 😘😘😘 You’re in good company in this group!!!!

[calamitousdoglover in reply to Knitting20projects]

Hi Knitting20projects. Thank you so much for your response. I have been reading about KC Davis just on here in recent days but not checked her out yet. I am really grateful you took the time to reply, this site does indeed seem to be an awesome place, and I am sending a huge hug back (not sure if you are American but my best friend is and I just love your warmth) 💕🥰 oh and well done on even skimming the book, that's more than I generally do... actually my stash of unread self-help books is probably another area I need to deal with, but that's for another day 😆

[Knitting20projects in reply to calamitousdoglover]

Yes, I’m American but actually have dual US-UK citizenship. My mom is from Scotland and I have relatives in Newcastle, Manchester, Birmingham—-and have very strong emotional and cultural ties to the UK💕💕💕💕

[BlessedLady]

Hoarding is something a psychologist or counselor can help with. There are deep reasons you do not want to let these things go. Just remember it takes time to get to the root can and begin to change things.

Sometimes telling yourself if you have not needed something or used it in the past year. You do not need it.. can help while going through things

[calamitousdoglover in reply to BlessedLady]

Hi BlessedLady, thanks very much for your reply. I am sure talking with someone could help but there's a big problem there, after my own solicitor during my medical negligence case with the NHS told the opposing solicitors I was receiving counselling. They then got a court order for my supposedly confidential records, which in one move destroyed my ability to talk to anyone again.

This was four years ago, and I have tried at various times since, because I know I can't make progress on my own. I make the first move in finding someone suitable but after an initial conversation, when it comes to making an actual appointment, the thought of talking with someone again makes something like a huge castle drawbridge slam shut in my mind and I may as well be mute.

As for discarding things after one year... I have clothes and various other items from my schooldays, and then every other period in my life onwards 😱

[MisoDashi]

I struggle with this so much. I see “potential”, value and sentiments in items (new and old), which makes it very hard to let go of things. The reality is though that these things weigh me down, keep me unfocused and eat up my time having to organize them. It hurts to think of having spent money on something to get a dopamine hit a year ago, but not using it. I do believe though that the item causes more “hurt” by having it in my possession still because of the aforementioned reasons. Hurt is in quotes because it’s really more like stuckness too. Money is money and comes and goes. I’ve made some rules which help me get rid of things that might be helpful.

1. If I haven’t touched it in two years it has to go. The exception to this are certain sentimental items. More about that later tho.

2. If I have a certain category of item, I come up with a number that I think is reasonable to have of this item. Take tshirts for expamle. I asked myself how many I thought it was reasonable to have. I came up with 30. If I can go for a month without doing laundry, that’s waaaaay more than enough. I had 75 two years ago. So 45 had to go. I now have 23.

3. Sentimental items. Can you take a picture of the item if you want to remember it? So often I attach sentiments to objects to remember events or people. Often these events aren’t necessarily super important especially in relation to the “weigh” / “hurt” these items cause. Another question I will ask myself - are my memories more important inside my heart than in this inanimate object that I rarely do anything with and causes me stress?

5. If hypothetically this item were gone because of some cleaning fairy were to come and make it disappear. Would I miss it? If not , it’s got to go.

6. This is the most important one for me and the last question to ask myself because it’s the hardest to argue with and because people with adhd are usually very giving and empathetic. Will this item, which in its production has impacted our collective environment, serve this world better by being in the hands of someone who actually needs it or is it better in my closet not being used, decaying? Reframing helps here too. It’s not money you are losing because you spent it and never used it, it’s money you are able to gift to someone in need.

So much about obtaining things is related to dopamine hits. How you obtain the items is a good thing to get curious about… but that’s for another post. This one was already long.

[calamitousdoglover in reply to MisoDashi]

Wow, MisoDashi... this reply was so good, you've already got me seeing things differently. I'm honestly so grateful for the time you took ❤️

I don't think I do buy stuff for a dopamine hit actually, and I've seen that mentioned before... I remember thinking it's quite nice for me to be able to say that doesn't apply to me, for once! 😆

My initial problem was not trying on clothes when I bought them, and then either losing the receipt or being too disorganised so missing the deadline to return them! And now, because I'm too large to fit in them, I tell myself I will fit in them again at some point, because I can't possibly accept permanently being 50% heavier than I was just 4 years ago.

I do have plenty of things I can part with though, of all sizes, so I will do as you suggest in point 6 and donate to one of the many charity shops locally with happiness, which I do now already, but I think you've reminded me how I should frame it for the brand new items I have rather than thinking of all the money I've wasted... I just hope they don't sell them for a fraction of the tag that's still attached, I probably should avoid going in to see what they are priced at 😂

I think I recognise some aspects of KonMarie's tactics in your other points, whose book I thought was very interesting, so I will remember them also. I have used your method to reduce the number of items I have in the past, but that is out of the question now that so much of my stuff is in boxes, I would literally have to unpack a hundred boxes just to get to the point of having everything in a pile to count... I really need one of those TV programmes to bring a team of people and help me because I don't think I'll live long enough to get through it all on my own 😂😅

[MisoDashi in reply to calamitousdoglover]

I’m glad my post was helpful! Just a thought about the 100 boxes…what if I challenged you to going through one box a day? Would you be willing to take on the challenge?

Because of the amount of stuff, I don’t think counting is relevant. I would replace that rule with if it fits and I like it, I keep it. If it doesn’t fit, it goes.

Let me know what you think, I have some more thoughts about how to go about this…🙂

P.S. I’m about to move to a different country and am starting this week to go through stuff. You’re not alone. I’m not alone.

[Challenged]

I am not the original poster, but find your answer amazing am printing your answers/questions to ask self to have with me while I go through things.

Thank you for sharing!

[calamitousdoglover in reply to Challenged]

Hi Challenged, I agree, people's answers are just incredible! So lovely that people take the time to help others 🥰 good luck with your challenges too 🤗

[SoTiredADHD]

HUGS!! 🥰 I feel your words! “Bitch of a thing” is so accurate! I will say I sounded more like you awhile back, now I feel better about this “b——“. Hard but can be done, try to accept and push thru. Not the JUST DO IT, like most tell people that struggle thru something. I HATE that phrase! I had to change my mindset or this was going to keep me down in the dark place I was living. New meds helped me tremendously to get out of that place! If you’re not working with a professional who specializes in ADHD, please find one. Made all the difference for me. Thank God! Anyway, as I ramble on…

Next I saw “Cas, the Clutterbug” on YouTube. She changed things for me, she has ADHD AND A PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER! She explained this hell and how even tho it stinks, we also have some awesome gifts from it. Like hyper focus! When we enjoy or feel fulfilled we can dive in and stay on task until the “cows come in”. Lol. BUT if not our thing (getting rid of stuff w tags, sentimental, or just wanna keep items!) we kinda don’t even attempt! So she helps us tackle those issues and items. I don’t know how organized you are, but if you struggle with clutter, she also has a quiz that gives you insight on your style and how to work with it. That quiz helped me see MY WAY of cleaning up, purging, etc instead of HOW I FEEL I SHOULD BE DOING IT… like my mom, my friends. Etc. What a change it’s made! I don’t see alllllllll my stuff as an anxiety attack waiting to happen! I HAVE donated tagged items! I was SHOCKED! I decided to donate to people in need, not just a donation place. I looked into low income senior apartments and it felt amazing to give them new clothing! I now pack up misc household, the freebies like Xmas cards, calendar, etc I received, craft items etc etc and they love to receive them. When you change the mindset of I wasted the money, to I blessed someone… it feels amazing! Someone suggested to donate my daughters (the costly, she just “doesn’t want” anymore 🤢 items!) to foster kids!!! I loved it! To think of a child that might only have what’s on them, or barely anything else besides, might not be their style or size even broke my heart. You can look for FOSTER CLOSETS, whcih I struggled to find, so I called local churches, child advocacy, shelters, donation places, health dept, child welfare etc etc to find out more info on where to drop off items. When I knew these items were going direct OR they were tagged to take money received from sales directly to foster kids, I was excited to purge those new items! Hopefully these ideas will inspires you to look at this differently. Money is spent, it isn’t coming back, and your stress and loss of joy costs you even more than those clothes did. Brighten someone else with them. Also, just do a little at a time. I kept box near my closet and as I didn’t like an item it went in. I believe in you, you are a blessing to others, I know we all struggle to see that of ourselves, but it’s true. I hope this helps. Sorry I ramble on… it’s a blessing and a curse! Lol. Many blessings to you and best of luck to you.

[calamitousdoglover in reply to SoTiredADHD]

The different replies here have completely warmed my heart but SoTiredADHD... your reply brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. Please feel free to ramble as much as you like because your words went straight to my heart. I really needed them ❤️❤️❤️

I will add Cas, the Clutterbug to resources to check out, she sounds awesome. I loved your idea of donating direct too, being in the UK we have different services but there's probably comparables.

The little at a time idea too is very important because the overwhelm otherwise just causes mind paralysis, which = zero progress. As soon as I have finished answering the other replies, I will start on just one box 😍 that way, I may be finished before I'm 60. Maybe 😜

Thank you again and I am sending so much love and gratitude to you 🥰🥰

[NYCmom2]

I think many people with ADHD can relate to accumulating, feeling deeply attached to items, seeing great value or potential or guilt that makes it difficult to part with these items.

Then there’s the struggles with executive functioning that make prioritizing, planning, executing and maintaining the decluttering so challenging.

Medication, therapy and education of ADHD can help tremendously. Writing your goals for your home and posting them in high visible places reminds you daily. Goals could be: spaciousness, calm, freedom, room to live not storage space, experiences > stuff, time for people/self > time to clean/dust.

Body doubling by cleaning alongside others helps! It can be family, friends or someone you pay to clean or organize one space while you clean and organize beside them or an adjacent room.

While decluttering I like to listen to audiobooks on home organizing. It sets the mood and promotes flow while warding off some of the anxiety.

Recommendations:

Decluttering at the Speed of LifeWinning Your Never-Ending Battle with Stuff —By Dana K. White

Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD —By Susan C. Pinsky

Real Life Organizing: Clean and Clutter-Free in 15 Minutes a Day (Feng Shui Decorating, For fans of Cluttered Mess) —by Cassandra Aarssen

When I really struggle to part with a big item (or boxes of a similar item) that I know will make a difference in clearing out my space I will watch an episode of the tv show Hoarders. It shakes me to my core and pushes me through the anxiety of parting with stuff.

Wishing you luck!! Keep us posted on your progress.

[calamitousdoglover in reply to NYCmom2]

Thank you so much for your reply, NYCmom2 🥰

I'm working on the education part, unfortunately therapy is currently off the table as I wrote above, and I'm still awaiting my assessment so medication isn't available yet either... hopefully won't be too long though. Although I'm already on so many tablets that I rattle! I do wonder how everything must interact and can't really be good for me... 🤔

I will add goal writing out/posting around the place to my to dos. I've done this before. It's funny how we can find things that work for us but we don't keep them up. I have tried so many things, even before I knew I had ADHD, some worked, some didn't, but I didn't keep going with anything. I don't understand why 🙄

Body doubling is an interesting one. No family nearby, we're pretty dysfunctional anyway so wouldn't work even if they lived next door... in my next lifetime I would love a close family. Friends... again a hard one, none nearby, and I find it very hard to talk to anyone because I have so many issues I bore people to sleep before we get to the end of even 10% 😆 also on a less jokey note, lots of trust issues 😞

I could potentially find someone locally I could pay though, definitely to be considered. I have so little energy with CFS type stuff, I could probably only do an hour or two but could be worthwhile with two people. I find it's difficult when I have to make all the decisions on the box's contents though, so in that regard, having someone else there is less useful... maybe I'm putting up roadblocks where they don't need to be...

I will look for Hoarders. I just spoke with my husband about this, and said to him that even considering myself to be a hoarder is a really hard/awful/horrible thing, but I think it's clear reading all of this that I am. Not in the sense of having no space to move around the house, potentially being crushed by stuff (God forbid it ever gets to that) but definitely having roomfuls of stuff I've not used in years/actually decades, then I guess it's a no brainer 😒

Thank you again and I think I need all that luck and more 😬 sending hugs back 🤗

[MaudQ]

I just listened to a podcast about this. It’s called ADHD Aha! and the guy who was being interviewed called it “moving the boxes.” He would swear to his wife he was going to clean out his stuff in the basement and he would go down and just move the boxes from one part of the basement to the other. So you are not alone 🙂 I like a book called Organizing with ADHD. I also wonder if you are seeing a therapist? Or if that’s not in the cards for you, maybe read a book like The Body Keeps Score? I’ve heard that over attachment to possessions can be a symptom of PTSD. Be compassionate toward yourself while you’re doing this - it’s not easy!

[calamitousdoglover in reply to MaudQ]

Hi MaudQ, thanks so much for your reply. Yet another resource to find 😆

I've answered some of this above and I definitely need to remember the self-kindness thing. I do not practice what I preach to others, for sure 🤔 I just saw a post you wrote about tiredness and completely relate to that too, only mine starts mid afternoon, or even earlier some days... thankfully I only have the dog and husband (who also does way more than I do) because I could not cope with children too.

Just seeing my nieces/nephews makes me need a fortnight's holiday, so I take my hat off to anyone who has all that to deal with as well. I hope you're practising that self compassion? 🤗🥰

[BlueOptimistic in reply to calamitousdoglover]

thank you for bravely writing the problem I have. I will look at the suggestions here as well. Good energy everyone.

[BlueOptimistic in reply to BlueOptimistic]

and I too would like to print this conversation. How do i do it it forward it to my email?

[Knitting20projects]

PS I don’t know if she covers hoarding, but I also really like Order from Chaos by Jaclyn Paul. Finally I feel like someone gets it! I have lots of clothes and forget what I own!!! Sigh

[Wasted71years]

Hi Calamitousdoglover

So much good advice and examples of how your peers like me face challenges getting rid of things, but I do have one thing to share that was very illuminating for me when I first heard it.

DOOM piles. It is a very typical process, a very inefficient way that we with ADHD deal with trying to handle large amounts of things in our lives. It stands for Didn't Organize, Only Moved.

I somehow get the motivation to clear up and neaten an area. I dig into the items but while my mind knows I should figure out where they need to go, find and combine all the similar things and store them, I end up on a good day turning one bit pile into three or four smaller DOOM piles.

The sense of futility then saps whatever motivation I had to deal with the objects and I am done for now.

I am intelligent and know, really know that the right solution is to work out categories, put things in the same category together and then plan out the right method and place to store them. The executive functioning deficit, however, makes that very hard to actually accomplish.

Fortunately I did get much better at getting rid of possessions in the last five years. It does not require the executive functions of planning to do, so it is actually much easier for me to just plow through building the pile to dispose of. Some of it is just trashed immediately - that is fastest. I do think about it having value elsewhere, so about half of it is donated. Some very valuable items, but that aren't valuable for me to keep, I will sell or gift or directly find a new home for.

What is left, however, is the organization challenge and that I still haven't overcome. My journey with medication is still underway but I am reaching a point where that is giving me the ability to take this next step.

My hobby is restoring very old technology, mostly computer related from the 60-70 years ago, plus designing and building complex electronic items. I am lucky to have a rented workspace where I have everything, which keeps my home from being cluttered. Before this, my projects parts and tools where in six sheds, a two car garage and a back room of my prior home, much to the distress of my long suffering non-ADHD spouse. At least now she doesn't have to deal with that clutter.

I know that I have a lot of duplicate parts but to discover that and shed the excess I first have to organize. I have the typical problem with ADHD that I absolutely su** at estimating how long a task will take me. Thus I had gear to restore and parts for future projects that in reality would take centuries to complete at my actual pace.

I am still very bad at estimating. Even when I take what I come up with and multiply it by ten, I am way off. This hampers one of my crutches to cut down on the clutter - prioritizing projects and disposing of anything that I can't realistically accomplish in a decade or so.

If I really had an idea of what my pace would be, there is certainly a lot that I can easily decide will never bubble up my priority list to get completed. I did dispose of quite a few items when even with my bad estimating I realized that this would never ever ever be important enough for me to get done. Something more interesting will always come along and perpetually push in front. That did help me cut back about 75% of what I had before I moved here from my prior home.

In typical ADHD fashion, I am oversharing, but I want you to know that the struggle effects many of us, a consequence of the biochemical dysfunction.