My forgetfulness is continuing to hurt my wife. I have a list of daily to-dos that is halfway built the night before, and that I look at throughout the day. I also try to plan out my week's most important to-dos, log them and assign them due dates and prioritization levels the weekend before. I've begun leaning on all these crutches and I believe I've improved, but any mistake eliminates all I believe to be my good work.
And recently, I've begun to forget things completely. Small, meaningless things, but they can still trigger arguments. Example being, I (guess I) ate some treats last weekend, but I didn't remember it at all. My wife casually asked me what my favorite flavor was, and I responded that I didn't eat them. I didn't eat the last one or anything, but we both thought one another was crazy. She was right (I guess I ate it), by I had no memory of eating them. I got nervous and was embarrassed I forgot, so a kept trying to prove I was right rather than just assume she was right and answer the question. When I realized, I must've forgot and she was right it was too late; I was either lying or so forgetful it scared her even more.
She couldn't decide which was worse, and everything has been tense sense. My doctor recently upped my medication and I see a therapist every other week and an ADHD coach weekly to show her I'm working to get better, but any mistake erases all progress.
If I forget to get extra ketchup, she extrapolates that forgetfulness to me leaving out future children to die in a hot car on accident. I don't think thats fair, but she's see me mess up so much, she expects it, so I must make her expect better from me.
My dear friend is a neurologist and I've asked him about it and he mentioned psuedo-dementia asa possible culprit and how anxiety exacerbates is terribly. I'm getting ADHD diagnostic testing done Friday to get a better understanding.
Has anyone had similar issues with this kind of inane forgetfulness that can snowball and be compounded by impulsive thoughts and actions to rationalize the mistake? How to you fix it or improve?
Thanks,
Patty G
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jschoolfailure
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Hi Patty. Yeah, I've been there. My wife and I have had full-on conversations that I have completely forgotten, and I've eaten/done things and had no recollection. Practicing mindfulness has helped a great deal on that, because I tend to not store in working memory the things I do when I'm in 'automatic pilot' like automatic eating and auto-response mode (especially when I'm hyper-focused on something else and try multi-tasking or she asks me a question or tells me something.) Around my conversations, what's helped is letting her know that my mind is preoccupied, or reflecting back to her what she said and getting her confirmation.
Around mindfulness, I practice noticing where my feet are whenever my watch buzzes. That seems to anchor my awareness.
For me 'getting everything right' just won't happen. That's just a whole lot of unnecessary pressure, and it won't happen. I have to be content with gradual improvement. Over time my wife has come to accept that as well, as she's gotten to know about the nature of ADHD and how its consistently inconsistent. Without the pressure of being perfect, I can strive for excellence instead. It gives me room to acknowledge my failures without fear or shame (two things that exacerbate ADHD!) Slow going sometimes, 2 steps forward 1 step back, but getting there!
I love what you wrote.. thank you for sharing your troubles and your heart to the tribe. Will
I like your idea of getting your spouse to attend appointments with your or to at least learn about ADHD. My husband has read the books I have brought home from professionals or the library and, in fact, accepted my diagnosis and what it meant before I did. It really helps confirm that you are not just a bubble brain or lying when they read the facts in a book written by a professional.
I want to start with your handle. I am so sorry school was so hard for you. I am 71 so I have a very long history. Forgetfulness is a real problem. For sure a lot worse when under pressure or stressed. Has your wife been with you for any appointments. It might help you both to cope together. I used to be sure I was remembering things right in a dispute but have realized that is not the case. At some point I stopped trying to remember unimportant things so I could concentrate on what matters most. That leads to some' interesting' conversations about 'how could you have forgotten'. I know I used to drive my husband crazy, but he pretty much gave up trying to convince me I was wrong. Of course we are not always wrong. I pray you and your wife can learn how to work with this together. It could be that she will end up being your biggest advocate and helper.
Hell yes!!! I’ve “lost” my coffee for two days, among other things. There are things we are super excited and focused on and other we don’t. It might be that ketchup (and other small things) are not stimulating to you...no need to use memory space!!
Don’t worry about the small stuff. Regardless, your hubby putting you down about your memory is not helping!!
I don’t know about you, but I thrive in affirmations and do Soooo much better.
Soooo you ate something...if you have kids—guess what—they EAT EVERYTHING!!
Kids are the best. You will treasure and their every move!!
Please do not allow others to drag you down—it is easy to focus on the negative but a good man/spouse wouldn’t be so caught up in such small details.
I don't have anything to say that will help, but I wanted to comment some words of support. I am sorry that your work does not seem like it is helping. Life can be so hard and frustrating sometimes and I am so sorry that you are struggling. Keep fighting and know that I am rooting for you.
Patty, I can relate. For me it has become exhausting. Sometimes it like I’m always walking on eggshells all the time because somehow it will be my fault wether intentional or unintentional. Being afraid to missing something of forgetting, because it call snowball to a you “always”, “not trying hard enough”, or “never learn”. I know some of this is because of the hurt and frustration that she has lived with before I was diagnosed and even after when I wasn’t managing adhd at all. So, even as I really try to understand how adhd has/is effecting me and our relationship she has grown tired of “I’m sorry” and “I didn’t mean to”.
My wife and I went away for a week. We left at separate times and took separate cars. I was the last to leave, and guess who forgot to lock the door (again!). I feel loathsome and as a total failure.
Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, last night we were with friends/family and I got wasted drunk. I haven't done this in literally years. I have been able to drink socially in my meds (Wellbutrin) but ended up doing a huge shot and got embarrassingly trashed.
I sobered up around 3am, and have been up there rest of the night with fear and trepidation that my wife will inform me today that this, finally is it.
I used to think I was always right, argued when we had differing memories and sometimes filled in the gaps with unintentional lies, like you. I don't do that anymore because I realize (finally) that I'm practically always wrong.
I hate myself. I'm 60 and married over 30 years. I don't know what I'll do without her.
My wife hates me too. She has said many times, that she just can't do this anymore. I pray we get past this too, but have doubts and fears that we won't.
I don't want a divorce, but I can't stop being a f...up. I really don't know what to do. I'm near the end of my rope. I don't want to be me, anymore.
I'll pray for you Patty. I hope you find the answer that had eluded me.
I'm so sad to hear you say you hate yourself and that your wife hates you, that you don't want to be you, and that you are at the end of your rope. I feel that way often and find that St John's Wart really helps me get through that muddled panic and lets me at least calm down so I can feel and think again. If you are together 30 years there is love there, it is just very frustrated. Maybe try counselling.
Similar to you leaving the door unlocked, there have been so many times when my husband has found my keys left in the door overnight. Now I try to keep a habit of always checking where my keys are before we go to bed. It helps that our door automatically locks. Maybe that is something you could try so you don't have to remember to lock it; you just have to remember the key to get back in. Getting locked out of the house would affect you more than your wife and would be a personal consequence that might help you remember to take your keys in future; just remember to check each night to be sure you have not left them in the door.
Here are some coping strategies I have found helpful:
When you need to remember to take something upstairs or out to the garage, set it in your pathway so you will not miss it and will be better at following through. If someone else comes across the item on their way upstairs, they can help by carrying it up for you.
Always put things away in the one place you have specified for them. It will help with the lost keys or wallet.
My latest failure is backing up the TV show on the PVR because I missed what someone said (I guess I'm a stickler for detail). My husband now refuses to watch TV with me as it is very confusing to have the show suddenly skip to a previous scene. I am learning to put the remote away and tolerate not hearing every word that is uttered. It is hard but an adjustment I need to make.
I have to have a notebook and pen on me at all times. It helps me remember little things and big things that I tend to forget. Every night before I go to bed I do a thought dump. Every little thought, no matter how inconsequential it is, I write it all down. There are little pocket notebooks and mini pens to keep on you. I know some people attach it to their hand with a rubber band. Post-it notes are also really handy. When I get up in the morning I write down all of my thoughts again. There have been times that I forget what I was doing after I cross a threshold. You are not alone in this.
Be up front with your doctor and get a referral to an ADD specific psychiatrist and see if they would be willing to talk to your family about the issues you are having.
It is impossible to meet your goal of: "so I must make her expect better from me." You can only achieve what you are capable of, so don't burden yourself with trying to make yourself something you are not. She has to realize you have shortcomings and you need to accept them as well. I have found a good place to start is to not make commitments that I have historically not been able to fulfill. If my husband asks what time I will be ready and I am not sure at that point, I do not make up a time, but tell him I will decide later. When we get closer to the time we need to consider, I will give him a time commitment or ask him what time he wants to leave and then will agree or adjust the time to meet my needs but still be considerate of how much time he feels we need. I spent too long feeling panic and trying to adjust to his timetable: him always being early by 1/2 and hour and me being late by 1/2 and hour. We both had to adjust and now we get to where we need to be at the appointed time. You will drive yourself and probably your spouse up the wall trying to meet her expectations without some adjustment from both of you.
I really encourage your wife to go to the appointment when you receive your diagnosis. It will allow your wife to ask questions. That could be a huge help in the long run. I so wish now I would have done that with my husband. It was one of the most important appointments of my life and he should have been there, instead I gave him the option and he chose not to go and insulted me afterward on the cellphone. He needed to be there an talk to the doctor himself. I was forearmed with information which he looked up online and found me correct. Oh the frustration.
He also later assumed that my taking medication would just fix things. No. It’s not a magic pill. I need further techniques and helps. I haven’t gotten Therapy yet because of other situations. I just try to continue to learn.
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