Things have got to change

[joncol391]

Hello.

Let me start by saying this is the first time I've ever tried to level with others on a forum of any kind. Not that I'm against reaching out but I've always had a hard time asking for help/guidance. But the writing is on the wall and in my case whatever I'm doing now is not enough.

So here it goes-

I'm a 26 yr old man. I was diagnosed with ADHD at some point in middle school, 4th-5th grade or something. Details always are out of reach. I was medicated sporadically until my second year in high school. The perscription changed from Ritalin to Adderall and something else I can't remember. Really struggling with that memory ha. Anyway I stopped taking the meds. This was about the time there was a lot of talk about ADHD being made up and as a result I stopped taking the condition seriously. School was always a struggle. I did well on tests initially but never did homework. I moved around somewhat frequently and changed high school after freshman year. This did not go well in retrospect as I fell into delinquency. Skipping days, alcohol use, cigarettes, you get the idea. I will never make light of my mother's efforts who was raising my little brother and I alone, I am in awe of her strength as there were many hardships. But that's another story.

Mom remarried a great guy who was stable. I went to an alternative school in an attempt to save myself from a life without completing high school. No motivation like desperation, right?

I didn't try so hard to get into college. I wanted to advance but holy damn did that seem like a impossible task. I had so much help just to get through highschool and nearly flunked. How the hell was I supposed to accomplish a higher education on my own? The anxiety and premonition of catastrophic failure shot that down completely.

Alternately I just went to work in restaurants. Cooking has been a great experience and creative outlet but something that also hasn't brought me to the next level. Started at age fourteen and only just a few days ago left my most recent place of work. Plus I want better than grueling and time consuming kitchen labor. It's a bittersweet relationship. But at the same time cooking is all I know now. And now we're back to anxiety.

Neglected chores and poor life habits. Relationship after relationship failed and now more serious substances become my way to stave off internal crisis and depression. Not to mention thoughts of suicide in response to my feeling like I just can't get a handle on the piliing responsibilities. There's just so much and I am so tired. I want to do nothing. I'm living on my own and moving frequently because of some issue or another and trying to hide my substance use all the while.

If you've made it to this point, thanks. I didn't expect to be this frank but it's just keeps coming.

I'm currently seeing who I am convinced is the woman I want to spend my life with. She's so kind to others and has been incredibly supportive towards me. But there have been arguments, enough for her to have doubts going forward. I get defensive and feel like I'm not being understood. She says I don't care and am not trying. This sucks because I care about her deeply and once again I hate myself because I just can't seem to get it right. Just a moron who can't fix anything. This turmoil led me to re-evaluate ADHD. I figured it wasn't anything other than having trouble staying focused, but I needed answers. I had no idea what i was about to discover.

I couldn't believe that my depression, anxiety, emotional outbursts, and general neglegence stemmed from this.

ADHD was wreaking havoc in every aspect of my life.

My girlfriend thought it was an excuse at first but she's starting to realize that it's a constant struggle to stay on top of things. I need to get help. I've been taking stimulants that I think most would find concerning but there is complete helplessness without.

We're about to move to a new state and I've left a job cooking on good terms. Although any longer at that job and I think the facade of "being ok" would fall apart. I haven't been taking care of myself at all and it's becoming apparent.

So here I am. Pouring out more than I've shared with practically anyone. There's plenty of things to bring up but I need to make a point. I can't manage my life. I can pay rent and utilities but that's it. I go paycheck to paycheck and cut it close. I feel like I'm not an adult at all. I live in despair when lucid enough to percieve it.

I have no health insurance so I don't know how to get it. It's so unaffordable in my opinion. And these psychiatrist/therapist, treatment facilities seem out of reach. I want to succeed, I just can't without help.

If you got some advice for a young guy struggling to get by and held down by the horror that is ADHD I'll take it. If not, thanks for taking time to hear me out.

Just to throw it out there I'm super into art and from what I'm told I don't suck at it. Art has been an outlet since I could hold a pencil. I can get lost in it but as much as I love it sometimes I abandon projects or creating altogether. This is also painful as I hope I can make a life based around it and not give up on my talent. I threw one of mine up as a picture.

Ok I'm done.

[Lovinit]

When I was a teenager I had drawn some pretty dark images and for me it’s was the way I felt. Anyway, u should I guess it’s called access, people who can’t afford health insurance so you will get free insurance or something. Then you need to find a doctor/ doctors who covers that insurance. I think seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist go hand in hand for me. This past year I finally decided to get help because I felt like if I didn’t I would lose everything I’ve worked so hard to have. I bought my first house in 2016. It’s the first thing I feel proud of and anyway for me seeing a therapist that I was comfortable talking to I told her everything my who life and it’s now been a year and although it’s been a slow process if I look back I’m so thankful because I’m in a much better state. My psychiatrist and therapist talked and that really helped because I wasn’t understanding all that was going on with me and she helped explain my symptoms to him and he was then able to better treat me. The doctor put me on a low dose of anti anxiety/depression medication last month and when I followed up I told him I feel like an adult, more mature, my emotions feel under control and I’m calmer. I also take adderall for my add. I learned that both medications working together has made me feel normal.

Good luck. Keep us posted!

[joncol391 in reply to Lovinit]

The medication and dosage suggestion is very informative. Thanks for taking the time sharing your wisdom

[cjnolet]

Have you thought about enrolling in a culinary school?

Just FYI- I failed twice in grade school, once in middle school and again in high school. I was 2 years behind my graduating class. I managed to get out, but only because my mom knew the right programs that would help me (EIP/504 plans). College was a different experience altogether as I was able to focus on things that I loved.

Your picture is pretty amazing and you have talent. I'm not an illustrator by any means and your attention to detail is impeccable.

RE College: You know, being 26 and having a low income could allow you to qualify for some pretty awesome grants and college loans. Have you thought about perhaps starting in your local community college and working your way up to a bachelor's degree? If you went into something like art or culinary studies, you could probably find a better job off the bat if they know you are aiming to get a degree in the subject.

Just some thoughts, hopefully they are helpful.

[joncol391 in reply to cjnolet]

I'd really love to get on to getting a degree. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I get started, my time management is horrible haha. But if I'm going to do it then I want to be the best version of myself doing so. I feel like I'm on the way though, coming to terms with ADHD instead of just telling myself that I'm stupid or incompetent.

Im in the middle of a big move and it's taking everything I have to keep up. After this the idea is to seek a professional who can get me going in the right direction.

I think It'd be cool to get culinary and visual artists creating together to make a unique experience

Thanks very much for the advice

[cjnolet in reply to joncol391]

One word of encouragement (don’t take this the wrong way, it’s meant to encourage).

I’ve had a lot of friends in the past who have said things like what you’ve just said. Keep in mind, struggle is what makes life worth living. If life was perfect and we were always happy (think Brave New World) then we wouldn’t have any reason to be hungry for the pursuit of our goals.

I understand wanting to be prepared. But I would be careful not to pin your ability to chase after goals on an (unattainable) factor of being the best person u can be. Start achieving ur goals and you’ll see how great a person you can be!

The effect I’m referring to is very similar to people who spend their whole life “preparing” to have children. Over time you end up getting so comfortable telling yourself that you aren’t quite ready for kids that before you know it you are too old.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

[cjnolet]

Your art looks really good. Do you do custom sketches?

[joncol391 in reply to cjnolet]

Mhm. I also do paintings as well. I can share more pieces if you are interested

[iBusyBrain]

SPECT brain imaging changed my life entirely! Often times brain imaging reveals co-occuring brain disorders. You could very well be lacking information not only about the ADHD you suspect you have, but may also very well have a mood disorder that you are entirely unaware of--thus not properly getting the appropriate treatment you need to function.

[cjnolet in reply to iBusyBrain]

Speaking of which..... I'm in a strange situation right now where I took medications for a couple months that really did some weird stuff to me on top of being in school and working full time... stress city over here. My sleep schedule is all off from midterms and my therapist is trying to insinuate that it's hypomania and not just lack of sleep from being stressed.

Now my therapist is trying to convince my psychiatrist that I have bipolar II. I try really hard to think that these people are looking out for my best interests but I'm really kind of wondering at this point.

[iBusyBrain in reply to cjnolet]

SPECT imaging would show if there was any mood areas of the brain not working. If so, your doctor's would start treating with mood stabilizers.

[joncol391 in reply to cjnolet]

I've found it hard to put trust into most. A few therapists I'd seen as a teenager really put me off getting treatment. I know I've changed so much since but I really don't want that kind of one sided approach towards me ever again. I want someone to work with me on a person to person kind of basis.

[iBusyBrain]

By the way...I graduated from college with a major in computer science with a 3.83 GPA after having nearly failed to graduate from high school too. Lastly...don't ever abandon your passions--art is certainly important in the world!

[HadEnuf]

If you can find a way to work comfortably within deadlines, you might be able to make a very real freelance business out of the manual skill and the “eye” you've shown in that illustration...do you recognize the breadth of emotion you've managed to convey (or perhaps more to the point, elicit from a viewer), through that child's eyes?

I, for one, can see the reflection of my own fear and temptation when being led by my inner demons and dark impulses: that's some very real talent.

[joncol391 in reply to HadEnuf]

If I can get anyone to feel something about what they see is huge and means so much. I don't put titles on much of what I do but I wrote " Departure and Bliss" on the back.

Children percieve no evil until they are taught where to place their fears.

[HadEnuf in reply to joncol391]

On top of that, it's a complete crapshoot as to whether any particular part of what we're taught to fear is dead on or dead wrong.

[Swimmer92]

As someone who is about to hit 60 next year, I want to ask you to take a deep breath and realize that you are not in a race for the finishing line. To be in your mid 20s and a mess is actually not so unusual from a parent's perspective, especially after the challenges you have been facing. Try to relax and realize that you have time to grow up into yourself. One of the realizations of living a long time with ADHD is that you have special gifts that other people do not have, will never have. Our brain's organizing principal is based on what is interesting, not what society thinks is important. If you let your passions rise to the surface and grow them, that will give you a path to follow. They may not seem connected at first, but they are. Give yourself permission to be different.

As far as relationships go, you might want to focus on self-love first. Learn to take care of yourself first. Explore healthy things that make you feel good and capture your interest. You are allowed to vary them, just stick to the principle of self-love and care. Then you can add another person to your life.

For your girlfriend, lots of education about ADHD for her and an honest commitment from you to try to serve her needs too. I've been married 30 years to a wonderful but really inpatient, focused, motivated, duty-bound man. I married my opposite. After 20 dicey years, I made a promise to myself that I would grow my empathy for him because I must be hell to live with at times for someone who loves routine and hates risk. When I feel at my most defensive, I stop myself, and just bear down on his words and try to fit his immediate need into my way of thinking and operating. I try to embrace him at the level I can. The key point is that I TRY. He sees that I am trying, and it's getting better. We ADHD aren't great at empathy and it's a muscle we need to strengthen.

Lastly, do not....DO NOT...label yourself or let anybody else label you a loser, a fuck-up or some other awful name. It's not true. You have gifts and insights that the world needs, it's just that there isn't a lot of space carved out for us in the mainstream. We have to make our own. You can do it!

Best wishes,

Genevieve

[joncol391 in reply to Swimmer92]

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. When a moment comes around that allows me to take a step back to look at a bigger picture I can be grateful for people in my life that don't give up, and give me strength to carry on. I have made some changes that I never thought I could because not being left behind makes me feel like I can believe in me as well. Even coming into this group took some pushing. And every push brings me closer to greater self love.

Losing sight of what's important happens too easily and I can forget that these people love me because I'm worth it to them. It's hard to hold onto this sentiment when the flood of who knows what this time comes in.

It's people like them, and yourself, who give a damn to remind me it'll be ok. Just breathe. And if not for that I would not imagine I'd come this far

Thanks again

[Swimmer92]

I'm glad to hear this. There is so much pressure on everyone to be productive, to be busy, to be making money, to be striving towards something...all the time! There are other ways to be, and they are just as valid. I realize that I'm never going to make a pile of cash, disrupt an industry, or see my name in lights and that's okay. I'm an ethical and loving person in my daily life and I add positively to the lives of those in my circuit. I love to learn and I love my rich imagination and my life of the mind. That is what I have chosen.

Best wishes,

Genevieve