My problem is pretty self-explanatory from the title but...
I feel intensely pathetic and lonely, i have friends, and some people i talk to but, most of the times i am the one who makes the first move, i start the conversation, i send the meme or whatever.
I can almost predict your answer, you either suggest confronting and explaining my feelings to these people or joining groups of cycling or climbing, or talking to a professional or suggest some online groups.
Honestly i dont know what to do. i know that i will leave my hometown soon to get into a masters degree in Cyprus, so maybe i can do something about it then, but still relying on moving away to fix these issues is i feel a bit of an escapist way of dealing with these issues. ill either end up collecting more people to ignore me or, ill find people who care.
I dont know.
Sorry if i came across too aggressive or anything, i guess i dont really want to see solutions to these problems rather than see that people have gone through the same stuff as me and managed to get over it.
Again sorry for my tone, thank you for reading this.
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I don't think that you come across as too aggressive in your post. You've already mentioned what some of the general advice is, life joining groups where people have a common interest.
I'm 49 and introverted, so I am not the best at making friends. (I was just on a call with my 30 year old daughter talking about that, because I think I've made a new friend, like she's been encouraging me to do since I moved a couple of years ago.)
It's common for people who have ADHD to have difficulty with friends. It's usually mentioned by ADHD experts regarding children with ADHD, but I've talked with enough adults with ADHD to know that it's not just an issue for me.
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I wish that I had some solid advice to give, but if I knew what the answers were, I'd probably have more friends.
I do know that it helps to know what you're looking for in a friendship. I also know that some people (like myself) are too introverted to initiate contact much of the time. If I had a friend who told me openly something like "just reach out to me when you want to hang out", then I would definitely think to reach out more often.
• So, maybe that's the advice that I have to share...give your friends an open invitation to reach out to you when they want to do something.
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While it's not the same, I've definitely enjoyed being a part of this ADHD forum and a couple of others (which I mention in my profile). It's been meeting at least some of my social needs to be able to talk so openly with others with ADHD.
Thank you so much for replying! I didn't expect it, i am not used to this and i thought i needed to have followers or something, again i dont know how it works. I think i need to explain something else, most of these friends i talked about are from the university years that know we are very far apart, we can only talk through group chats but for some reason when its in group chats it doesnt bother me as much as when i send an individual message and i get a dry response. With these friends, also, from uni, i have spend some time from close and i sort of know the level of connection i have with them, even a dry response, is not that big of a deal. Its with the more resent people ive met, that i havent had many ''real'', ''irl'' experiences with that it bothers me.
About the ADHD, ive realised that it messed me up when it came to observing my friends emotions about me, when i noticed a mood change or i saw that they where having more fun with each other than with me. It took a lot time, and im still a bit affected by these thoughts but i realised that i am not responsible for anyone's emotions and happiness, and ive been in some scenarios that people have shown more interest in me so, it comes down to the people you interact with, generally speaking, there are exceptions.
I wish i had an advise for you too but i dont know what would apply to you so im gonna say something generic. I think people who really care about these topics, have too much love to give to the world, honestly if i could become a protective veil and surround my family and friends, i would do it. The thing is, this love we have is too good for everyone, we would need to become more selective otherwise we will get disappointed by humans again and again until we lose that love out of self defence. Really happy for you, for making a friend, i really do hope it evolves into an actual deep and meaningful friendship, but until then be careful to not overthink it or to have many expectations that could let you down.
Again very thank you for your response, best of luck to you.
What is it exactly that makes ADHDers have difficulty with friendships? Like what is the concrete reason? Thanks, I’m new to my journey and am searching for answers to so many things!
There have been studies of young children with ADHD that say impulsive behaviors (e.g. interrupting) and inattentive behaviors (e.g not able to follow conversations well) are some reasons why kids with ADHD often get excluded by peers.
Perhaps as adults with ADHD it's because we learn social skills differently, because we were excluded a lot as kids.
I do know that we get used to masking, which can make us come across as less authentic.
I understand that it's even more difficult for people who have autism/ASD.
.....
All I know is that the only people that I seem to become friends with quickly are also neurodivergent (ADHD, ASD, OCD, Bipolar, etc). I often have an instant rapport with NDs, but usually more distant relationships when NTs (even though I'm generally likeable and very much non-threatening).
I saw a long time ago, a psychologist who specializes in Adhd, give an example of overthinking that he observed in many of his patients. A subtle change of mood can make someone with adhd worry that they might said something wrong, they might have heard a rumor about them etc. What it would be a regular interaction to most, adhders have a lot more difficult time. So this internalized fear and insecutiry can come to the surface and that can affect the relationship/ friendship. This probably isn't the full reason why Adhd affects friendships but for me I can say that it was the case.
Ah, yes. I believe I overlooked a whole other side of ADHD as another reason why friendships are difficult for us to form and maintain: emotional dysregulation.
There's something about ADHD, &/or the experience of living with ADHD, which makes us prone to negative feelings.
Some of us are outwardly reactive (appearing to be temperamental, also called "emotional lability", if I understand that term correctly). Others, like me, turn the negative emotions inward, resulting in anxiety. Many experience both inward and outward emotional reactivity.
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Some ADHD experts (including Dr. Russell Barkley) have proposed emotional dysregulation symptoms as diagnostic criteria for ADHD, alongside Inattentive symptoms and Hyperactive-Impulsive symptoms.
Based on my own observations and understanding of ADHD, I agree with them. I think the emotional aspect is too common to assume that it's a secondary condition.
(Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD, is recognized as having emotional aspects in the diagnostic criteria. So should ADHD, imho.)
I don’t have a lot of friends, but those few I have we are very close. We talk with each other and celebrate times together. I also communicate honestly and sincerely with them. But we have been friends for years. Test the waters, open up a little with a struggle you are willing to share.
For me being honest but guarded until I know they are trustworthy and share their struggles then I call them friend. They tell me the truth as they see it. No it is not easy and there have been many let downs. But the friends I do have made it all worthwhile for me.
What is your definition of friend, What qualities, characteristics you want in a friend.
It is a life long journey, but it always starts with the first step.
I will say that with these friends form uni, i didnt know how to open up to make a basic conversation, so at the begging i overshared, i opened up about my insecurities and other stuff, it led to making actually meaningful conversations and i was able to see the good friends from the, just people i hanged out regularly. But i think i also created a sort of power imbalance.... this might be overthinking but i would have people ask me if i was ok often, and this can give either pity, which you feel for someone but that means you don respect them, or can give genuine care, im still not very sure what it was, again might be overthinking.
As i said before, to me friend is not someone i hang out either often or not. To me a friend is someone i know can understand me or at least is willing to, someone i can trust, and yeah hanging out, having fun is part of it obviously.
Again thank you, im glad you are at a point in life that i want to be, friendship wise. Good luck to you too!
Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. Navigating relationships can indeed become more intricate when ADHD is in the picture. I came across an article that might provide some valuable insights on this topic. Here is the link chadd.org/attention-article...
At CHADD, we offer group support, chadd.org/affiliate-locator/ although I understand that the time zone difference might not work for you. However, there are ADHD support groups in Europe that you might find beneficial. You could reach out to them to explore available options if you are interested adhdeurope.eu/
if there is anything else you may need, please let me know.
Thank you, although i dont know if i contact these groups, for the moment my concerns are about these interactions, moving for the Masters and many more that i think are affected by ADHD but are not necessarily caused by it. Maybe when i have sorted my life a bit more i will consider it.
I just wanted to say that while I don't have any advice to give you, you're not alone in this. I definitely feel like most of the time I'm the one to send people memes and jokes and ask them how they are doing. My whole life I feel like I'm everyone's second choice of a friend and they all have folks they are closer to. While it is certainly true with some people, I know for a fact that this mindset made me push some truly great folks away because I didn't think I mattered to them even though I definitely did. These days, I just try to appreciate the people who reciprocate me reaching out and cherish those connections the most. Hang in there <3.
It definitely matters who you are interacting with, with all my friends i can say that other than having similar humor (with some, not all), i have not the same interests, we can talk about different topics but nothing that we can all be passionate about. Also not being the funny one of the group is factor too. Still i think finding the right people can make a big difference, so yeah hang on.
One of the situations where strangers are more likely to speak to each other is when walking a long distance path. One of the most famous of these paths is the Camino to St Iago which follows the northern coast of Spain. The route is well provided with basic accommodation with dormitories and communal dining. If you do a walk like this on your own, as many people do, you will meet many other people who have one thing in common - they're all doing the walk. The exchange of information and sharing accounts of experience on the walk gives everyone a chance to contribute and those who are on their own will be highly motivated to converse. Doing such a walk would be quite a commitment, but you don't have to do it all or you might choose to test out the idea closer to home for a few days first. The hope would be to develop your skills and confidence which might then be transferable to daily life. The quest for a way to engage might be a suitable subject for a magazine article too, which I think would add another subject for conversation and might act as your explanation of why you're doing the walk, should anyone ask... which I think they will.
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