When will change come?

I'm 26 y/o with ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was 7, on Ritalin from 7-12, then I recently (2 months back) got back on Ritalin as my life was/has been troubling me. I've been married for 2 years and the initial years of marriage can be/has been very hard at points, though so worth it. I'm just frustrated as I don't see great change in myself and feel like I'm either super selfish and messed up, or this ADHD has a larger grip on me and the meds are only helping 25% or so then. I'd love to hear from people who've had a similar experience, know about support groups or best materials to read, and just see some more change.

Thanks fam.

[Diana_Late-Diagnosis]

I am responding because it seems no one else has in 8 days. Sometimes I think that frustration is a steady-state with ADHD. Please be extra nice to yourself. Thinking that YOU need to change may cause you to feel like the frustration and challenges are your fault. They're not. Learning new coping skills takes time and self-awareness (and self-LOVE!). I agree, I think the meds only help 25% of the time and life is often demanding 100% of the time—especially in relationship! I recommend that you read everything available in your local library on ADHD. If you are female (sorry, I can't tell...), read about adult female ADHD, as there is new material about it. This group is the first on-line support group I’ve tried. In my area it is hard to find helpful medical support. Taking the best care of yourself possible is a great way to start: exercise (walking if you can't do more), eating right (avoid too much sugar and keep a protein/healthy carb. mix at every meal). Excesses of anything are problematic. When you are feeling down on yourself, please remember that at that moment, you are 180-degrees from where your brain needs to be to make good choices. Living with ADHD is less about changing yourself and more about learning new skills. Look for Tara MacGillicuddy’s ADHD Awareness Expo. (adhdexpo.com). There are LOTS of great videos (approx. :15-:20 each) from Oct. 1–7, 2017 which can help you start a new path of skill building. Sorry there’s no instant fix. Please have faith in YOU!

[Hidden in reply to Diana_Late-Diagnosis]

Thanks Diana, I appreciate the response as I wasn't sure anyone would. I appreciate your encouragement/affirmation in building new skills. I've come to realize that I need to identify and practice new beneficial hobbies that can energize and stir my soul in a good way instead of drain and/or pull me down.

I agree it's a lifelong proactive wrestle that is worth it as though we have our shortcomings, we indeed have strengths and great gifts!

Josh

[Diana_Late-Diagnosis in reply to Hidden]

It is good to hear back from you Josh! I've been reading everything I can get my hands on and finding little bits of help here and there. The self-love part/self-acceptance/keeping-your-mind-right stuff is vital! You're right! It IS a lifelong proactive wrestle—nicely put! I hope you can use this site for for those times when the frustration is too great. It helps to have compassionate listeners. Most of the time, I regret opening my mouth when I express my frustrations. It is healing when others can just let you vent until you can "right yourself.” Check your library for books by Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, PhD. I just learned about her and put one of her books on hold at my library. It looks like she has some good coping tips. I hope your marriage is loving and that you both laugh together every day. Keeping your sense of humor will help too. Also, please realize that while I’m offering advise, that I’m also reminding myself of this advise!!! Good air in... Bad air out... [repeat!]

Best wishes! Perhaps we’ll chat again.

[Diana_Late-Diagnosis in reply to Hidden]

It is good to hear back from you Josh! I've been reading everything I can get my hands on and finding little bits of help here and there. The self-love part/self-acceptance/keeping-your-mind-right stuff is vital! You're right! It IS a lifelong proactive wrestle—nicely put! I hope you can use this site for for those times when the frustration is too great. It helps to have compassionate listeners. Most of the time, I regret opening my mouth when I express my frustrations. It is healing when others can just let you vent until you can "right yourself.” Check your library for books by Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, PhD. I just learned about her and put one of her books on hold at my library. It looks like she has some good coping tips. I hope your marriage is loving and that you both laugh together every day. Keeping your sense of humor will help too. Also, please realize that while I’m offering advise, that I’m also reminding myself of this advise!!! Good air in... Bad air out... [repeat!]

Best wishes! Perhaps we’ll chat again.

[Hidden in reply to Diana_Late-Diagnosis]

Thanks Diana, I sincerely appreciate hearing back from you too. I agree my/our perception and focus following a hard/negative event/feeling /experience is important. My counselor is helping me identify and stick with the positive than the negative, accepting it but moving on. These are things that we know but having someone who believes in us is so helpful.

Marriage is tough but we continue to press in to positive moments no matter how small. Our church sermon series has also helped a lot in moving forward with where God will have/wants to have you despite where you are. Thanking and praising Him not from your hardship but in it.

Thanks for that book advice, I’ll look into that author for sure!

[Diana_Late-Diagnosis in reply to Hidden]

Hi Josh, There is always more to learn about LOVE isn’t there?

I reserved the Dr. Sarkis book at the library and had such a complex & confusing week that I didn’t get there in time to pick it up! Now must re-reserve and be certain I get there before deadline. We all have our ADHD moments... I’m learning to laugh at my own.

Of note, you should be able to view all the webinar presentations from the ADHD Awareness Expo 2017 here: adhdexpo.com/expo2017/videos/

They extended the dates for viewing for the entire month of October! Check out Dr. Kari Miller (Brain Productivity Rules)! I also especially appreciated Shari Hall Millers talk (Aiming to Fail). Lynn Edris have a very helpful discussion (On Time & In Control) with helpful methods. My other favorites were by Rick Green, Karri Richardson and Dana Rayburn.

A pal and I have been discussing how we can't listen to our own brains after 11pm at night. My brain always gives me negative self-talk at night—especially when I can't sleep! Listening to the final wrap-up 2017 ADHD Awareness Expo webinars w/Dr. Edward Hallowell (wrote Driven to Distraction), he spoke about a new book to come in 2018 or 2019. In it he will discuss the brain activity called “Default Mode Network.” Apparently science is now demonstrating that when we are engaged in activity, a brain MRI shows (lights-up) the “Task confident Network.” When NOT engaged in activity, a brain MRI lights-up the “Default Mode Network” which Hallowell refers to as “DEMON” (for D.M.N.). DMN is when our negative self-talk occurs!

I was very excited to hear this as I notice it is such a battle to keep a positive mind-set. Too often I find myself battling negative self talk from my own brain. I look forward to his book. He further suggested that breathing (in through the nose and from the diaphram—more about this if you like...) is a method to remain mindful and not get carried away with the negative self-talk (or demons!).

There is a great deal of material on the benefits of conscious breathing and different methods to follow through yoga and many Eastern religions.

Had to share. I will eventually respond to your communication. Sorry it took me 4 days to get back to you. Sometimes I avoid the computer to focus on all I struggle to achieve (won't bore you with my long story—really, L O N G). But I will get back to you. Hang in there. I am happy to hear that you have a spiritual community as well. I pray that you and your partner share laughter each day to bolster your long term, loving connection. Best, Diana

[Hidden in reply to Diana_Late-Diagnosis]

Thanks Diana!! Your 4 days to respond aren’t as bad as my 17 days, oh snap.

Thank you so much for those resources!! I will definitely check them out. I’m seeing great growth in finding positive ways to channel my energy and also seeing how quickly my brain can re-fixate on my old habits. Keepin’ At it and always pushing forward, self awareness and reflection time is essential.

Abstaining from computer or whatever to help focus is a huge help. Do you find you struggle with short term memory? I’ve realized it’s a greater struggle of mine recently and I wonder if it’s the medication or just my greater conscience.

Thanks!

[Diana_Late-Diagnosis in reply to Hidden]

Nice to hear from you Josh. Short-term memory... yes, but it depends. Sometimes I feel very foggy and disconnected from my feelings and goals. Some things stay on my radar, and others drop off unpredictably. VERY FRUSTRATING! I keep trying to tweak my sense of humor to accept times when forgetfulness reigns. It is very difficult to avoid feeling broken and discouraged when I’m trying hard and something important slips out of my awareness. I’m trying to accept that shifting sands is my permanent mental state. I love days when I’m on top of what must be done and feel the joy of accomplishment. So many well-meaning folk suggests lists and the like, but sometimes things just don't work out. I have to remain okay with that, but it is hard not to slide into self-abuse! The past couple days have been difficult for focus. I’m hoping today will yield better results. I am really appreciating Jessica McCabe’s How to ADHD videos on YouTube. They are very soothing on difficult days! Back to the pile!

[Hidden in reply to Diana_Late-Diagnosis]

Hey Diana, yes i completely agree that accepting our state is both necessary as well as very freeing. I've learned to not just say 'I'm good', allowing myself to acknowledge to other friends I may not be doing great, but that that's ok. That allows me to accept my brokenness/unbalanced state, and keep working with it, instead of trying to pretend life has to be ok while exhausting myself with my circumstances.

Completely agree with lists too!! Sometimes sure yeah that works, but if it's not you... then it's just not for you.

I've heard about those videos. I need to check them out!!

Thanks for your patience and encouragement and dialogue! Be well!!