ADHD life

[Choya526]

I did not believe I had ADHD when I was late diagnosed 13 years ago. (By then the damage was done.) I did not really believe it, because I didn't know anything about it except that you could be hyperactive or interested in a lot of things or that it wasn't real, only spoiled kids had ADHD. I never once thought that was me, it couldn't be. Never once, did I think ADHD was my problem. Wow. I've been stunned by all I've recently learned, and relieved at the same time. Relieved because what I've learned about ADHD explains so much. It explains everything. I'm relieved to not be blaming myself, loathing myself but I seem to be stuck in grief. It's a blessing to have so many questions answered and to be able to let go of so many things. However, I've gone for over 60 years not knowing, not being told even when searching through psychiatrists and neurologists. (I'm actually trying to avoid going into that frustrating "journey"...

Skipping past a lot of my journey, today I am trying to move forward. Signing up for this forum is a step.

I realized that the only way to live with this is to go with the flow. However still working on how to do that.

[JLJS]

Welcome to the forum. I'm new too and think this will be very helpful. Just hearing about others experiences has been a help to me. I know I am not alone in this.

[Old_Owl]

Welcome to the forum.

I also came to my diagnosis later in life after believing my "shortcomings" were personal flaws, laziness, and so on. I was emotionally overwhelmed when I was diagnosed, the possibility that I wasn't lazy and there was a medical reason I was as I was was like the prison warden coming to my cell to tell me they found the real killer while I had fully assumed the blame. It shattered everything I thought I knew about myself and I mourned all the pain and mistakes I'd made had I only known.

I have had to get to know myself and learn to be compassionate to myself. I truly don't know if I will ever get to "loving" or even "liking" myself. But I am learning to accept myself- warts and all. Getting to that point alone has changed my life.

It hasn't been easy and I've accepted there will be ups and downs. I handle things like emotional regulation well some days, others . . . not so good. It takes time to unlearn the ways that did not work and find what does.

Be patient and learn to be compassionate to yourself. You are at just the beginning of your journey. I wish you the best

[Choya526 in reply to Old_Owl]

Thank you for your reply. It's exactly like that. Now that I know about ADHD, it takes some of the pain away (At least you know now). I decided that I have to love myself even though I find little reason to. It comes down to this. I love myself like I'm some other better person, because I have to. I have to because I have to keep going, and because there is hope. But there is not much to "like". I see how this "disorder" has affected all relationships I've had in my life. This is the worst, saddest thing ever, because it's already hard to have friends when you get older, throw ADHD on it and top it all off with regrets and then what do you have to offer someone else?

[Cat00]

I feel very similar, although I was 46 so not as bad I guess. I was expelled from two boarding schools despite not actually being a "bad" child. I was in mental health care, at the highest level, for 15 years and no one put 2 and 2 together. Despite me being the only person in the service that hadn't been sexually abused in childhood.

But being in the world just made me ill. I had every neurological pain condition going and an inability to sleep.

It's hard not to get angry.

Although I think my age does temper that at least. I'm too old and too tired to reopen old wounds.

[Choya526 in reply to Cat00]

Me too. I've had a lot of anger, but it's mostly grief now. I want to put it all aside and proceed as if I'm a new person, just a new person who knows she has ADHD. So now I don't try to fit in so much, and I don't tell anyone. Finding out about ADHD is/was/sometimes still is devastating, but at least I'm not fooling myself or anyone anymore. I'm so glad I found this site because even though it's late in the game it feels almost as if I belong someplace.

[Jozlynn]

Hi Choya526! Welcome to the forum! This amazing group of ADHDers (and those who love an ADHDer) has been a lifeline for me at times. I hope it can be helpful to you as well. Just knowing that I'm not alone in my experiences goes a long way sometimes.

I too was diagnosed late - at the age of 50 - and had to go through the mind-blow of realizing all the things I thought were just innate flaws or failures on my part actually weren't. I don't know if you're a reader (or listener), but there are some excellent books out there that really helped me wrap my head around ADHD, and how it impacted my life, that I could recommend. I've learned a lot about how to lean into my ADHD strengths, as well as how to work with my struggles.

The grief seems to be a part of all late-diagnosed individuals. There should a "5 Stages of Discovering You're ADHD" just like there are the "5 Stages of Grief". How very different life might have been had we only known earlier. I went through more than 20 years of being bounced from one antidepressant to another, having hope that it would help and then always being let down, thinking I was just flawed. The antidepressants would help to some degree, but my motivation and focus were always still out of control. I was an executive assistant to C-level execs and I had been dropping the ball on the regular when I was finally diagnosed. I had a LOT of ingrained self-talk about how incapable I was, or what a failure at life. Being here in this forum and hearing what everyone else goes through makes me feel seen and heard, and helps to reassure me that I'm not simply "incapable". I've actually gone on to start my own ADHD virtual assistant business since my diagnosis. Knowing myself better actually gave me the confidence to try.

The best piece of advice I received after my diagnosis was to hyperfocus on learning who I actually was with ADHD. There was SO much negative self-talk that I wasn't aware of. To do that, I had to learn more about ADHD itself. Just as I wouldn't blame a diabetic for being low on insulin, we shouldn't blame ourselves for our lack of dopamine and the other various differences in our brain (that's not to imply we're not accountable for our actions - or lack of actions). It's a matter of figuring out where we're strong and leaning into those strengths, and figuring out where we struggle - and set up systems/habits/accountability/whatever we need to get through those struggles.

I'm starting to ramble (ADHD is one of my favorite topics) so I'll end this here. Wishing you ALL the best on your ADHD journey!

[Choya526]

Being diagnosed late in life means that our family who loved us most likely did not understand and that they all tried to shmush us in to molds that we could not fit in, consequently being hurt by harassment, cold labels, neglect, ridicule and all that. It's a spirit killer. Now, all I want to do is find out how I can use this mental wiring to my advantage. I've heard there is some positive aspect to this but I can't find it so far.