My Life with ADHD

[moadhd]

I am a 24-year-old male who was diagnosed with ADHD in my childhood, but I never knew until I discovered it myself later without consulting a psychiatrist. While living in dorms, my friends couldn't stand my unstoppable movement around the room.

It's hard for me to be present and act in the way I would like to. Sometimes I do very shameful things that do not represent myself. If I let myself go, I would do things that I find very stupid, filthy, and meaningless compared to my standards.

I am perceived in all environments I am involved in as very interesting, smart, and unique. In fact, a lot of people say I have motivated them and changed their lives. Many people admire and respect me greatly, but they don't know how much I suffer most of the time, which makes me feel like an imposter.

I feel like there is no way to live a balanced life. I am either very satisfied when I achieve amazing things or miserably suicidal. I become very overwhelmed when I screw up. If my schedule or intentions are not proceeding well, I would go crazy and become uncontrollable, unable to rein myself in.

I study abroad, away from family, and often travel alone for programs. I couldn't find an interesting mate who would make me feel alive. In fact, I don't miss any possible socializing moments, but it is not easy for me to accept someone as a close genuine friend if they are not smart and interesting. So eventually, I am very lonely as well, which can contribute to my mental state.

This applies to my relationships with women as well. Along with my philosophical perspective of rejecting meaningless dating in this must-be-productive age, I also don't encounter interesting girls. What I'm saying is that the level of loneliness is extremely high.

Even during the only relationship I had in my life, I didn't do many things. My GPA significantly declined as if I am unable to do more than one thing at a time. I would be totally immersed in the emotionality and intensity of the relationship without attending to the self-imposed must-be-done tasks I intended to do. I ended the relationship for that reason; I couldn't balance it at all.

I have big aspirations in the intellect, but my mind is hindering them or at least slowing the process. And that makes me frusrtated and depressed most of the time.

I have not tried medications, and I am trying to avoid them. I tried meditation, which is effective in bringing me to focus and be present. But it was not sustainable because it takes time. However, I think it is the only way to survive

[Imperfec]

hi there,

I am a 61 year old female who has ADD (I wasn’t diagnosed ‘til I was in my 30’s). Even though you’re half my age, I related to many things in your post. I think other people (non ADD people), either don’t understand or want to understand how this disorder disrupts and f*%#S with our lives. I don’t wish this on anybody, although secretly I wish they could spend 24 hours with this, as to maybe have a better understanding about it.

I am chronically late, completely disorganized, mentally exhausted etc etc etc!

[Mamamichl]

at 24 I didn’t even know I had it but around 30, you still have adhd symptoms, but you learn to set your pride aside better. Finding someone interesting becomes less important but finding someone you can relax with will help as you get older. Finding someone with similar interests is easier when you get out and do things you like. I played table top games and met my partner. We still have our moments but I can actually relax with him and he is quite similar to me. He helps my flaws and I help his. And our weirdness meshes. I wouldn’t have been able to do this until I could set my pride aside though.

[Salah_09]

I also tried everything and medication is the most effective and really life-changing. I have grown past being skeptical about it. I am much happier with medication because it provides me what I cannot get through the physical effort I put in.

All the amazing things one can do to manage ADHD symptoms are not by any means a replacement for medication. The fact is that it is proven in science that medication is the bt far the most effective treatment which drastically reduces ADHD symptoms. I have personally felt this. It is the missing link and you will feel so much better when you use the medication and also work on other things on the side such as building a good routine, self-care, diet etc.

Unless you have a strong reason such as health related issues which affect your ability to take medication, I would say its worth the try and keep trying till you find a good one. It may be life-changing. Trust me the risk of dying from it is probably lower than dying from the stress, horror, fatigue and poor life choices that are part and parcel of having ADHD.

[Jozlynn]

Hi moadhd!

I'm curious what your reasons are for avoiding meds. You mentioned they take time, but I think that only applies to the non-stimulants, and even if that were the case - wouldn't it be better to wait that small amount of time over doing nothing?

ADHD meds have been vilified as being legal meth by people who don't need them to function, but as someone whose life improved DRAMATICALLY after starting meds - I call BS. What I find really interesting is that I've been reading about doctor's prescribing things like Adderall for weight loss...but no one seems to be on a bandwagon to shoot them down for that purpose. Um?

I encourage you to do some research on the meds your doctor would like to maybe put you on, because I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. They're not evil, and they frequently (not always) help those of us with ADHD.

That being said, it sounds like you might also benefit from a good ADHD coach or therapist. When I was first diagnosed at 50, I had spent the previous 5 years thinking I was slowly losing my mind. Like, genuinely - thought it was early onset dementia. I was scared, I was angry, I was tired of fighting it, and I was severely depressed. The meds were WONDERFUL for me, but I still had to work on things like the internal dialogue I'd had with myself for most of my life. A good therapist and a good coach have also been life-changing for me. If we don't address what's going on inside of us, meds don't address all the bad wiring that's occurred thanks to us masking to try to fit in, all the times we've heard that we're "too much", and all the crap we've told ourselves based on the external influences in our lives.

You mentioned being miserably suicidal at times and I feel the need to address that. I lost my 25 year old son to suicide. Please hear me. The devastation that leaves behind is beyond profound. It may seem like an out, but it puts those you love and who love you into an emotional state that they will live in for the rest of their lives. It passes the burden, and then adds on yet another burden, to them. Please wipe death from your list of options. You have SO many other roads you could take first. Meds, therapy, coaching, peer groups - all much better roads to take before giving up.

I'm so very sorry to hear you're lonely. Oftentimes I found that I was loneliest when I was trying too hard to fit it with the neurotypical world. We often try to find out place and don't realize we're trying to fit into someone else's place. Do you have any other neurodivergent friends? If not, you really should consider a peer group that is. Meeting other ADHDers has allowed me to feel like I've found my tribe. It's made a world of difference for me.

My heart hurts for you after reading all of this, and I wish you all the best moving forward!

[DoodleMom2]

I was not diagnosed with ADD until I was 72 years old - last year. (Receiving the diagnosis made my entire life make sense.) My doctor put me on 20 mg twice a day of the generic of Ritalin. The help that I received was almost immediate. It has made my life so much better and easier. I have had no side effects that I am aware of. Try it. If you don't like the way it makes you feel, stop taking it. Give yourself a chance to see if it will help you. Good luck.