I've been in the community for a while now, and the support and encouragement here are priceless - so I'm bringing my current predicament here in the hopes that it'll redirect my perspective.
My 25-year old son took his own life 14 months ago and the grief combined with my ADHD has really made things rough going through the holidays. I don't even feel like I've properly grieved my son. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if the fact that I'm on meds is helping to ever so slightly numb/distract/whatever my emotions, but that's just speculation.
I know trauma combined with ADHD is extremely common, but how do you deal with it? If I allow myself to fully grieve, I'm afraid I'll be lost to the grief and never recover. I realize that's not realistic, but it's how I feel and it's a genuine fear. I feel like I'm staring out at the ocean and can see a tidal wave in the distance heading directly for me. Once that tidal wave of grief hits, I'm going to drown.
I've also realized how much I'm masking to pretend to the rest of the world that I'm OK and that the world goes on, but for me it hasn't - and the masking is exhausting. I'm stuck in the moment 14 months ago when the police told me that my son shot himself, but having to pretend I'm in the current moment.
I know there's not a lot anyone can say, but I thought I would put this out there. I am in therapy, so there's that. It does help, I don't mean to downplay it. I know my trauma isn't related to my ADHD, but living with the trauma AND the ADHD is quite the experience. I'm either totally focused on my son's death, or I'm totally focused on trying to ignore it. Has anyone here successfully detangled the mess of trauma and ADHD? If so, was there any one thing that helped you break through?
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Jozlynn
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I am So Sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my only son in 2003 when he was 23. It was not by suicide but he is still gone. One of his Godfathers is a psychologist. He told me different people grieve differently. The first year is the worst. That does not mean the grief, loss and heart break gets better. It is hard to put into words. It is more a matter of adjusting. It takes time and how much time differs with each person. I think most people think if they are not grieving and not in pain. That means they do not love and miss the person and that is Not True. Look for a support group of parents that have lost children to suicide in your area. It Really does help talking with others that are walking the same road you are.
I agree about the medication. Stimulants help depression for most people. They affect the way we feel and view things. That is what they are suppose to do. Have you discussed how your medication affects your grieving with your doctor and counselor? If not, you need to.
It does get easier, with time. We will always love and miss our children that died. The feelings just get less raw as time passes. I do not know of any other word but raw. Hang In There Sweetie. Do you have other children? Did you son have children?
Thank you SO much for your kind and thoughtful response. I too am so, so very sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how we lose them - the lost of a child, even as an adult, is something no parent should have to experience. I never knew what it meant to have a part of me die, but it's almost like I'll never be completely whole again. This was also my only son, but I do have 3 daughters still with me - which has REALLY helped me through this. Thankfully, my son did not have any children. I cannot imagine what the fallout would be from that.
This will sound positively mad to some people, but the day my son took his own life, I walked into my bedroom about 2 hours after finding out and I SWORE I could sense my son in my room. I could almost see him, the presence was so strong. He was moving all over the place saying, "Look mom! Look what I can do now!" It was SO freaking real and SO powerful that I literally just dropped to my knees and completely lost it. That experience completely changed how I viewed death, which honestly has drastically helped my grieving. I don't feel like he's really "gone". My granddaughter, who was 3 (going on 30) at the time, came and told me that she saw "Uncle B" in the hallway but she didn't understand why he couldn't speak to her. She said, "He smiled at me, but he couldn't speak." When we went to move my oldest daughter into my son's old room, my granddaughter was absolutely distraught. "That's where Uncle B lives! You can't live there mommy." Then one day out of the blue she came to her mom and I and said, "It's OK that you live in Uncle B's room mommy. Uncle B lives in the attic now." We both stood there with our mouths hanging open. I believe the energy that made my son who he was is still around. I don't feel him around the house anymore, but having felt him here - and I have a sense of peace that he is out in the universe and is still a part of the fabric of this existence somehow. It gives me hope. I used to fear death, but now I look forward to it in some ways - because I want to hold my boy again. I'm not suicidal or anything of that nature, but whereas I used to really be afraid of what happened after we die, I'm no longer fearful of it.
I'm grateful to know the stimulant is helping with the depression, because I don't think I could stand it otherwise. I think having ADHD has - bizarrely - helped me through this, because I've been able to hyper-focus on things to the extent that I'm distracted from the pain. I actually started a business after losing my son because it gave me something to focus on and invest in, instead of wallowing in my grief.
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me.
We have some things in common. I have five daughters and nine grandchildren. One is my son's daughter. She was only 3 yrs old when he died. Shortly before my son's death. He lived with one of his sisters and her two children. After he died, her son had a experience similar to the one your granddaughter had. I was still living in the home my children grew up in when my son died. There were quite a few times I would hear a knocking. No one could find out where it was coming from. My son had ADHD and was hyper. although he took medication. He loved to get on our nerves. I would tell him to stop but he wouldn't stop until my patience was about to run out. He knew that by the tone in my voice and me calling him by his full name. The noise I heard after he died would suddenly stop when I was about to run out of patience and I would call out his full name and tell him "I said to stop that !!" Before that I would just say his first name and "stop making that noise" several times. With each time losing more patience that before. .LOL
Our children are still present in other members of our families. My sons first name was hyphenated and he had a middle name. My youngest daughter gave her first born son his middle name for her son's first name and her second born son his second first name for his middle name. My oldest daughter and I frequently see my son in them and says so. We have a large family with a lot of birthday and other celebration get togethers. My son is frequently mentioned. He is always with us. Just as your son is always with you and your family
We are not the only ones that have been through this and are going through it. Please look for a support group of parents of children that committed suicide. My faith in the Lord has been a big comfort. It might help you to talk with a priest or pastor in addition to the support group.
Jozlynn, your plight struck a cord in me. I've walked a similar path. My only words of wisdom is that you need to grieve. You need to get lost in the depths of grief in order to fully heal.
You can do this and it will get better. Promise.
Wishing you the best this holiday season and I'm sending good vibes your way.
I’m so sorry about your son. I lost my younger brother in 2020 and have similar feelings. He was so important to me and I don’t feel I’m grieving properly. I listened to a podcast on grieving by Anderson Cooper recently on grief. It was really helpful in understanding grief and how it moves through everyone differently and at its own pace. My medication for ADHD and depression do numb me in the way you’re describing. I have experienced grief off my medication before and I may cry more but I also fall into a dark hole, so I don’t recommend it. Trauma affects our brains just like ADHD and so does grief. You have a triple whammy. Your executive functioning is impaired by grief. I couldn’t perform my job after my brothers death. I just stared at my list or the blank page and my brain was frozen. My thought would be to be kind to yourself and know that your brain is processing grief in its own way and it’s ok if it doesn’t like like everyone else’s. I pre-grieved my brother a lot because I was always afraid he might take his life. Sometimes I think all the tears I shed before he died made the shock of it better because I’d already screamed and fretted and tried to help before it happened. Sending you a big virtual hug! I do recommend the podcast- it’s free - you can get it on iTunes - it’s called “All There Is”. He struggles similarly with his mom’s death but also his father’s and brother who killed himself. He doesn’t feel like he’s doing any of it right. It’s super helpful to hear and he has guests talk about their grief process too. Please find it! Xx Steph
Thank you SO much for this wrigleyrose! I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. I lost my brother to an overdose - before losing my son - and I get the impact you're describing That dark hole you mentioned is exactly what I'm terrified of. I used to describe it as a tidal wave. I felt like I was standing on the shore watching this tidal wave build power as it came straight at me. I was convinced that once that tidal wave of grief hit, I would absolutely drown. The times my grief has forced it's way through the "numb" have been intensely and brutally painful.
I'm off the look up the podcast you recommended! I love Anderson Cooper, so that's perfect. Thank you so much for the recommendation!
I am so very sorry for your loss. There is no formula for such grief. Hopefully your employer and support system can do there best to accommodate that you have been traumatized by your loss.
You have asked a big question. I encourage you to find support wherever you can: church, a group for parents who have experienced loss of children to suicide. There is no true guide for grieve unfortunately. you are doing it right.. Do try and avoid guilt and shame!
Trauma and adhd: the verdict is not in on such topic. I believe both Gabor Mate and Russell Barkley are both to be extremely respected in their research and opinion. Check out what Gabor Mate says about such topics.
To put it very understated: Some people have the neurological disorder ADHD though it is much more rare than diagnosed and assumed. There are millions of people diagnosed and reporting they have ADHD and they do not; Millions..
Trauma cause many of the same symptoms as adhd.. Again, millions of people have a diagnosis of ADHD when they where not born with the neurological disorder. They have developed similar symptoms as the result of trauma.
Medication can alleviate some of the neurological symptoms of adhd, but different medications might be used to reduce anxiety and depression associated with grief.
I am from the school of thought that the adhd diagnosis follows positive response to medications that addresses the neurological condition, which is actually uncommon. In therapy, the symptoms of anxiety and depression and grief are treated as a very broad based, trauma-informed approach regardless of people having the neuro-typical disorder or not.
This probably doesn't help..
Try everything for support: medication, therapy, grief groups, exercise, radical self-care and self-love - everything!
Hello lodopo - thank you so very much for taking the time to reply. Grief and trauma are such sticky topics that I know it's hard to know exactly what to say - but I very much appreciate everything you wrote out. I do deal with the guilt and shame - so that was timely counsel. It does feel like I'm not grieving properly, but my therapist pointed out that I may never experience the tidal wave I anticipated, but rather I may experience rogue waves that hit me out of the blue but don't drown me.
I love Gabor Mate and Russell Barkley, so this was a good reminder to go back to those materials on all of that.
I suppose , for me the more I try and push pain away the more it troubles me, I turn to God , with my pain, and let it out , in cry’s, when it’s ready now, it then feels like a burden has lifted , at Least a layer at a time, be gentle on yourself , you are loved, and so precious, and your pain is real, but sometimes we need to let it out, as inside causes too much strain, I feel for you , my friend also has her son killed knifed to death, so I stand with you , for me God is the hope , that one day we will see our loved ones again, God is love , yea AdHd does seem complicate things too , but it’s all a process , but give yourself the permission to live and enjoy, as that’s what your son would have wanted , lots of deep love ❤️
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Your words are very comforting, and you're so right - not letting it out can be really damaging for us internally. I tried keeping it all in for a time, but grief won't be denied and it came through one day as though someone had punched me in the gut. It literally felt like that physically. Out of the blue it was like the wind was knocked out of me, I couldn't breathe, and then I just totally and completely fell apart. We're talking serious ugly crying. I cried for quite a while and once it was done, I could tell that it made it a difference. What felt like a steam engine about to explode finally released some of the steam, bringing me back to "functional" again instead of ready to just lose it.
Again, I really appreciate your kind words and that you took the time to reply.
my heart breaks for you and your loss right now Jozlynn. The grief is indescribable I imagine.
As far as trauma and ADHD go, I think I just wrote a similar question/post about this. When is it trauma? When is it adhd? When is it both? When is it just being a human?
It’s good you’re in therapy and processing it all. I don’t know if there’s a “right” answer out there, or an answer at all.
I find I grieve best through music. Sometimes when I can’t find the right words, but someone else does whether through lyrics or a chord progression that can land in a way nothing else can. Below are my favorite grieving songs. Please note, they can take you into the abyss of grief, but sometimes that’s exactly where we need to go even for a few minutes.
Just know you’re being thought of and cared for in this community.
Songs:
In Every Sunflower by Bell X1
Gone Away by My Brightest Diamond
Asleep by The Smiths
There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths
Thank you, lemonspeaks! I am so grateful that you took the time to reply. Reading your message was like a lightbulb going off! I listen to music for so many other emotions, why not grief. I think perhaps I have subconsciously avoided it because I know how deeply it can make me feel. Music touches my spirit and allows me to feel things deeply and intensely - and you're absolutely, unequivocally correct that the abyss of grief is where we need to go sometimes. The times I have gone there are unbearably painful, but the way I feel afterwards proves that it has to be done. Like I wrote above, grief won't be denied - so we can choose to experience it, learn from it, and hopefully grow - or we can try to deny it and have everything inside of us get twisted into knots. I lost my father and brother years ago, so I'm familiar with grief (and painfully familiar with trying to deny grief by drinking it away) and this time I didn't want to numb it. It was my only boy - my sweet, sweet boy - and for his sake I will feel every ounce of the grief and pain.
Thank you SO much for the music list! I've written all of them down and will add them to Spotify to listen to (LOVE The Smiths!). I'm prepared for that abyss from time to time.
Since writing this initial post, I've also stopped masking. I'm letting all of me and my ADHD and my grief show for what they are right now and that is SO freeing. I've also realized that by my doing so, the rest of the family feels like they have permission to also grieve right now and talk about my son. I think everyone looks to me to see how they should behave regarding their emotions, and if I'm always pretending everything is OK when it's not, then I'm also indirectly encouraging them to stuff their emotions. Once I expressed that I'm in pain and struggling, and that I'm desperately missing my son right now, the rest of the family seemed to open up as to how they're feeling in this moment. Not only did it help all of us to talk about my son and how we felt - to get it out, but it really removed that bubble of isolation that is easy to experience when you're in the midst of traumatic emotions. I no longer feel alone with my grief.
Hi Hominid711! Thank you for these articles! I just finished reading them. Wow, really turns traditional thought on it's head, doesn't it? I agree with so much of it though. I was initially surprised by a lot of the perspectives - but ultimately it was very eye opening and informative. I definitely think looking at it more scientifically is definitely the way to go - not base things on subjective or experiential foundations.
I really appreciate that you took the time to respond, and the reading actually did me a lot of good - so thank you again for that!
Psychologytoday is a good website btw. You just type whatever you want to read about into the search box and lots of really interesting articles come up. On the whole research based. Or else you sooner or later come across the evidence/science base.Chin up!
Words seem inadequate for such a horror. While, I've lost people close to me, I find imagining the pain of losing a child difficult to imagine. My thoughts are with you.As far as masking to show others you are "okay." I wouldn't think anyone would be "okay" having gone through that. And while you've gotta keep going, and learn how to live with this loss, I'd question how masking helps? I'm betting those who know you would give you the grace to not be okay right now. And worry less about those who don't know you that well. ( yes, easier said than done)
I don't know what to suggest. I only offer up these words in hope you can give yourself the space to not be hard on yourself as you figure it out.
I hope you are receiving some professional support ! I cannot imagine what is like for you but as a Medical Professional with ADHD and a history of Anxiety and Depression I know that professional support is vital. And do not try to mask your grief. It is OK to be sad to let people know you are not OK. How could you be ? And also if you have any religious affiliation seek support from your minister Priest Rabbi, or head of your religious order. They are often the most understanding . And you never get over it . you just learn to live and eventually you will not focus on it every day. when My husband passed away suddenly, after about 3 years or so I noticed I went sometimes a day without thinking about him and now it is more than 17 years later I can only think fondly of him even thogh things were not always so good As a parent I am sure you will always think of your son. And he must have been very disturbed, sad and depressed to stop valuing the beauty of life and choosing to end his . I am so sorry for you loss . Crying is Fine , screming is fine and as a matter of fact one therapist told me to get into my car every day close the window and set the timer for 5 minutes and scream
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