ADHD & Life

[Usako]

Since my diagnosis, I feel relieved to finally put a name to a lifelong issue but I'm still trouble with the effects it has on my life. I struggle so much with control, I do not feel like I am in control of my actions, thoughts, or even feelings. I feel like a stranger in my own body and I just feel hatred towards myself without a full understanding of why I feel this way. Maybe because I feel let down? Because I can't even begin to wrap my head around the issue I have with discipline... I've struggled my whole life to fit in and yet, I never really succeeded. I never really succeeded with anything as it would lose its "spark" of enjoyment soon after... it was never a conscious decision either which made it all the more frustrating. Most of the things I ended up quitting were things I actually enjoyed, things I found interesting but could never stick with. In my brain, it felt as though "practice makes perfect" didn't apply to me. My brain could not understand why I would need to practice, I should be able to do anything I set my mind to so why can I not be great at everything??

I'm not saying this is a logical thinking process... I know it does not make any sense but this is how my brain perceived everything around it. I refer to my brain as it's own entity because my Brain is not ME and I am not my Brain. I'm trying to cope with it and learn from every day experiences but I still find myself getting in trouble without even realizing and by the time everything is said and done... the damage is done.

This has made work and social interaction a nightmare. I feel as though I could potentially mess up to a point that I could be fired or say or do something without fully realizing and not be able to work through it. People say all the time it's important it's important to be understanding of those with mental health struggles but then there is no "understanding" when we inevitably do something "wrong" due to these things. The corporate and working world is not a forgiving place for those of us who struggle every day just to live a normal life with these mental health issues and no matter what corporations say... they will never truly be disability-friendly and will never protect any of us who suffer from these things. It just seems like a front so they attract good business... in reality, we are just a number and can be easily replaced by someone without issues...

Some days, I don't know why life is worth living because I can't even follow through with day to day tasks...

I have no one, no one cares, no one listens and it's hard to have all of these thoughts and realizations happening daily while trying to act "normal."

[Lovinit]

What helps me is a good therapist the right medication, support like I get here and educating myself to understand more. I like how to ADHD utubes and there are great podcasts dr Ned Halloway, and others

[Lovinit]

Also I try not to get stuck in my head so much. I find when that happens I go into a downward spiral

[Cupressaceae in reply to Lovinit]

Absolutely. I often tell myself "I don't have to think about this right now" or "stop thinking about these things and things about things that make youhappy/relaxed instead" because I often get caught in thought spirals.

[Lovinit in reply to Cupressaceae]

I like the “I don’t have to think about this right now. “ I hope when I get in that moment again I remember to tell myself that. Thanks!

[Cupressaceae in reply to Lovinit]

I use that one a lot when I'm trying to fall asleep and my brain keep turning over the events of tomorrow, or remembering things about the past that make me unhappy.

[Lovinit in reply to Cupressaceae]

And when your in bed trying to fall asleep and can’t cause your thoughts, I like to focus on my breath and I count each inhale and exhale

[Cupressaceae in reply to Lovinit]

Yeah.....that just makes me sad or frustrated, because it reminds me of all the physical pain I have. It's why I can't do a lot of guided meditation where they focus on the body, either. I have other mental exercises I do that relax my mind, and don't lead me down paths of new thoughts, but they're personal

[Watercolor_Snow]

I hear you Usako. I was diagnosed rather recently, but am only beginning to understand how this has effected my life. I really related with your description of "practice makes perfect" not applying to you. I feel similarly, but felt that with enough practice I should be able to do most things at least moderately well. But no matter how hard I tried-and practiced-I could never "get" some things. As a silly example, many, many, MANY years ago when I was in middle school, I enrolled in a dance class. No matter how many times I practiced, I could not remember the order of the dance moves. The same thing happened when I was (briefly) in the marching band in high school. I could practice for hours a week, but trying to play music AND remember where I was supposed to March on the field was a skill that I could never master....or even be moderately good at, really.

I really wanted to tell you that you are not alone. And, although, things seem really difficult now, they won't always be that way. The best piece of advice I've ever gotten was (paraphrased) "Never underestimate the power of a nap and a sandwich." Sometimes when it seems that everything is crashing down on me, I need to step back, remember to eat something, and rest for a bit. Things may still be crashing down on me, but they usually feel a little less overwhelming.