Looking for Advice on Mother/Daughter Relationship

[Hard2ThinkofUserName]

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all doing well. I've been struggling these past couple of weeks with dynamics in my family, plus the holiday season upon us tends to be a struggle for me to begin with (as it is for many). My mother was diagnosed with ADHD about 10 years ago and I was diagnosed April (2023).

I am looking for advice or perspectives on how to have a difficult conversation or write a difficult letter to my mother.

I am going to preface that I have been in weekly therapy for the past 2 years, trying to learn coping strategies and how to navigate my life more then just feeling like I am surviving. And as a 35 year old woman, I feel for the first time, I have felt myself come out of survival mode, even if it's briefly. I have an extremely supportive/loving partner and fortunate enough to be able to afford therapy once a week. I am fortunate to have the life that I currently have and that I didn't travel down another path, but I also recognize I could be doing much better if I had capacity for myself.

This may be long, but will provide a TLDR -

Parentified child, mother moved out and in with her (now ex) partner when I was at the age of 15. Raised his children. Put expectations of me to help her fix her issues, complain to and for me to give advice. Now 35, relationship is the same, but I am doing my inner work and I no longer have the capacity to solve her issues - provide support for things of her own doing and at the same time live a fulfilled life of my own. Although I feel she is at capacity as well due to current circumstances, I am looking on how to voice my pain and explain the resentment and anger because I am currently drowning.

Growing up, my family was pretty dysfunctional. I didn't know my bio-dad, the man I called dad was in and out of my life up until 16 due to addiction issues with no contact since. My mom was a single mom, doing her best, or I try to think of it as doing her best.

She was in and out of some extremely unhealthy relationships. From a toxic man who 10 years after they broke up - murdered his neighbor (and some extreme behaviour before his snapping point), to an extreme alcoholic, to a narcissist that she moved-in with, to raise his children, leaving her 2 older children (myself and older brother) to live at home by ourselves. I was 15 when my mother moved out fulltime and in with someone she knew for 6 months. There wasn't "room" for us, although there was an unfinished basement, that eventually was turned into 2 further bedrooms for when his children got older. Although she was still close (down the road), for obvious reasons this has created some inner conflict within myself. There was some big time neglect, which I've just started to come to terms with as being abuse. The consistent theme was that she picked men over her children.

Previously to her moving out, she had an alcoholic partner that she lived with majority of the time. I would for the most part, stay home either by myself or with my younger brother due to the person's unpredictable behaviour (this includes getting myself ready for school and if I had my younger brother the night before, she would pick him up before I got on the bus). The alcoholic boyfriend behaviour consisted of throwing our cooked thanksgiving turkey to the dogs, attempted to kick us out on Christmas morning (my younger brother was 4 and I was 13), which I did not tolerate or he would go on verbally abusive rampages. I became the protector.

With many of these situations, I became a "protector", a "caregiver", a "parent" (to my younger sibling), a "fixer". I was put into situations that no child should ever have to be in. Conversations that I should never have been part of and looked to for advice and at the end of the day I would go home by myself and have to make sense of it all.

Fast forward 20 years. I have carried those same parts with me through out my life. I spent my 20's trying to survive - trying to learn how to be an adult on the most basic level. There has and continues to be a role reversal between my mother and I. She calls me for advice, she calls me at times she should have immediately called the police, she calls me to clean up her messes.

She's in a position that she has lost everything she has worked up to in her 63 years to a different ex-man. She is currently going through criminal and civil action against him. She is looking after my grandmother who has dementia and uncle who suffers from schizophrenia (uncle is medicated). She's at her rock bottom.

Now this is where I am looking for advice:

She continues to put things onto me that I can no longer carry and asks of me to do things for her, that I no longer have the capacity for. I will go long periods of time, feeling like I am actually adulting and functioning (and having limited contact with her). And then out of no where, there are these requests and assumptions put onto me that make me spiral. I have tried to assert boundaries (I am aware that I need to hold these lines when put into place since this has been our history, but with everything new, it takes practice).

I have some deep resentment and anger building and my pain feels like I am drowning. I always feel like I can't voice my inner feelings because there is ALWAYS something happening in her life. It's been a coping mechanism to try to view her as human as possible rather then hold her responsible for who and what she should have been.

With all of this being said - Is it appropriate write her a letter explaining all of this? Is this an ADHD thing? - I know that undiagnosed ADHD causes chaos - but she has been diagnosed 10 years and only takes her meds "when she needs them". Is this too much to put on her when she's already dealing with so much? Would you want to know about your Child's pain, even if it's uncomfortable and has been caused by you?

I have been very black and white in my thinking and want to just cut everything off and have a meltdown at this point. I know there are other ways to go about it.

I don't know exactly what I am looking for to tell you the truth. I know I so desperately want to have a Mom and know what that feels like, or someone who shows up for me and not just when they need something.

Thank you if you got this far - from all my little inner parts.

[LisethHIS]

Hello Hard2ThinkofUserName,

Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. First word that came to my mind was "WOW" that's a lot, I know everyone has a different challenge in life. With that being said, I have to say that you are very strong. I think you having therapy on a weekly basis is great, but perhaps you can start doing one with your mom. Writing a letter or telling her how you feel in person is great, it will make you feel better getting things off your chest. Perhaps you are interested in joining a CHADD support group. Here is the link if interested. chadd.org/affiliate-locator/.

If you have further questions, please let us know. We are here to help!

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD chadd.org

[Mamamichl in reply to LisethHIS]

I went to counseling with my mom and it did more harm than good. My mom spun the story to make me the bad guy. I do believe she is a narcissist. What helped me was actually cutting ties so I can move on and break the generational trauma cycle.

[STEM_Dad]

Like Liseth said, that's a lot, and you are very strong!

To have gone through all that and still have a relationship with your mom is truly remarkable.(Some of your story sounds similar to my ex-wife's history with her mom, but they cut ties a long time ago.)

I completely understand how, as an adult with you own life and not your mom's legal caretaker, you need to maintain boundaries.

I think that Liseth's suggestion of doing counseling together is a good one. That's if you are both willing participants. Counseling would probably be the best space to address your thoughts and feelings, and to share your opinions with her.

Your mom would probably benefit from her own counseling to help her with the issues that she keeps dealing with. As with each of us humans, the decision to change must begin with her.

As a parent, I do like to hear my children affirm the they love me. When I was still married, I used to talk to my older kids about the issues that I had with their mom, and I've apologized hundreds of times since because I know that I never should have done so. (My ex could be loving and involved one minute, then abrasive and self-serving the next. There was definitely much more good to her than bad, but the bad behavior was really hard to endure sometimes.)

I don't have any specific advice, but I think that your intentions are very good, both for your own well-being, and for your desire to still have some kind of relationship with your mom...if a more compartmentalized one.

Perhaps your therapist can help you to draft the letter you want to write. It would probably be good to keep it to the core of what you need to say, and not address everything from the past, only essential things that you need to get out for your benefit and to inform her of what you need her to know.

[MattiGrace]

I’m so sorry you and your brother went through this. When I became an adult I realized that my mother had sooooo many issues that were most likely the root cause of her actions. However, with this recollection understanding her “why” made it easier for me to digest. You are most definitely relevant, your feelings are relevant and it’s perfectly fine to let her know your feelings and how some of the things she has done and not done are not ok. Say your peace and let her sort it out. She can do want she wants with the information but it’s time for you to take care of you and move forward. It is also ok to have boundaries for your own protection to know what you will and can tolerate. Family members can be very toxic, parents or not and it’s ok to cut the cord. You aren’t responsible for their self destructive behavior. Good for you for seeking counseling and trying to find peace. That is a very difficult thing to do and unfortunately I know from experience from a similar childhood. Take care of yourself, life is beautiful and can be peaceful.

[Mamamichl in reply to MattiGrace]

Sometimes it’s hard to know what is ADHD and what is ptsd when there’s so much trauma with childhood like this.

[MattiGrace in reply to Mamamichl]

So true

[Mamamichl]

Oh my goodness, I feel your post so deeply. Her issues are an adhd thing, but yours are more of a ptsd thing. I always called myself the only white sheep in the family. I had to create boundaries with my mom that were fully ignored, and due to her toxicity, I have blocked her and her husband from all contact and since they are now contacting others, I have just turned in PPO paperwork for them.

She makes my spiraling events so bad and I have to take emergency anxiety meds. I would live to share my childhood in a pm so you can see all we have in common and help us problem solve our issues. If you’re in the USA I may even be willing to give my phone number. We are totally in this together. Zen hugs 🫂

[Redpanda5]

You are carrying the world on your shoulders. This too much and enabling adults who need to be carrying their own load. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this!

I recommend writing the letter and then tearing it up. Don’t give it to her. It will give you clarity on the boundaries you need to establish with her. Giving it to her would just cause more problems.

Google “JADE boundaries.” You don’t need to Justify your actions, Argue your view, Defend your boundaries or Explain what they are.

Strictly follow the boundaries you establish and leave it at that. From what I’ve read of your post, counseling together would be a disaster. Expect her to get angry but you must be consistent, kind, yet not a pushover. You’ll have to grow accustomed to her being angry with you. I recommend the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend for further reading on this.

Hang in there.

[Burhanerdem]

Thank you for your sharing, It must be hard to know what is going on. However, I think the best way the do something listening each other, and having free time together and do something together. Also you should do mindfulness, guided meditation, and breathing techniques. It will slow down your body-mind connection, and you will start making more conscious decisions in a day