I have been thinking and thinking about the viability of my long-term relationship. We are more like roommates these days, with an occasional hug and smooch. We are both 69 and have been “together” for twenty years, the longest time for both of us. We are not married but own a home together. I am struggling with a bunch of things, and my assessment for ADHD and Asperger’s is not until April 27.
I took off for the holidays on a bicycling trip I planned for myself, and I have not suffered the usual holiday depression as a result. I talk to him just about every night, but I can’t get him to talk about “us”. Instead, I have become the “patient” who needs to go back on anti-depressants while he goes his merry way. I am trying to not see the unfairness of this but it really rankles. He has family and long-term friends he can rely on. I have one brother, much older, witha slew of his own problems.
I found this home we live in, I besides him have put a lot of work into the homestead, but I am treated shoddily in the small town near us and he is not. What is wrong with this picture? I can’t figure out whether I am supposed to keep struggling on with this relationship or give it up, which means starting over from scratch some place else. I have got a lot of guts but I have my vulnerabilities too and I don’t know if I can cope with starting over again.
I suspect I have mild Asperger’s and some ADD. Who in their right mind jumps on a bike and starts riding 50-60 miles a day to ease mental tension and disorganization? By the way, I have been called crazy and weird and other things plenty of times in my life. I obviously like bicycling and get plenty out of it, or I wouldn’t do it.
Wrapped around the axle and unable to move…
ANY reactions to this appreciated!
Written by
Bmint34_
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I have nothing helpful to offer, but can empathize with being roommates, and with feeling that you're treated as "different" by others (I've always felt outcast, even when I wasn't).
In terms of the relationship, I stayed married for 30 years when I probably shouldn't have (I'm 60, he's 74) and am still struggling with why I've done that and whether I want to continue. I have started to resent the internet telling me I should leave him - it's not always that simple or easy a decision. You've got to do what you're comfortable with. And, if ADHD has been getting in the way of you deciding that - maybe some resolution on that front is worth waiting for?
One of the reasons I'm pursuing finding out if ADHD is getting in my way is because I have finally gotten it through my thick skull that my relationship issues are not going to change if I wait for HIM to change. I have to change. And I've been having a hard time doing that - and a harder time figuring out why.
Your note resonates with me, e.g., why am I the one who has to move and adapt to new circumstances? I just don’t believe I am that bad a person. Maybe the issue is about meeting someone else’s needs and I am not able to do that. Yes, maybe I can hold out until the assessment, but in typical ADHD thinking I have downgraded the value of the assessment to junk bond status before even having it. Geez!
I also think he has changed but is not willing (or able?) to tell me anything concrete. He has said several times that he is now “comfortable in his own skin” and I guess that means he can do what he wants pretty much without considering the impact on me. We just are not doing anything together any more. No travel, no projects to work on together, no dance lessons, nothing in the future for me to look forward to. My guess is that if I say I can’t stand being the outsider as you mentioned (and it is extremely painful because I have experienced that all my life), I will have to move out, with all the logistical and psychological ramifications. Well, I am no spring chicken and this sounds ghastly. Can’t imagine being comfortable with any decision.
You said: "Who in their right mind jumps on a bike and starts riding 50-60 miles a day to ease mental tension and disorganization? "You also said "I took off for the holidays on a bicycling trip I planned for myself, and I have not suffered the usual holiday depression as a result".The bike ride worked for you. You beat the Holiday Blues (Depression). And that's great. I don't see the problem with that. Some people put their bikes on their car and will drive to where ever they like to ride. And if you can ride 50/60 miles a day, you are obviously are in fantastic shape.
As far as your partner.........?? He's content? He's got it made ? In regards to your home, I wasn't sure if you meant that both of you have put work in to the house or just you.
About you having a meaningful relationship, has he 'Checked out', emotionally?
Did he ever have any interest in the 2 of you being a couple, and be willing to talk with you about it (Does he care what you think, feel, and have to say)?
You are treated poorly in the area where you live and he is not? There's a wide range to everything that anybody writes on this, or any other website (meaning there's more to the story and you have a limited space to write about it). But based on what you said (how you feel and how you read the situation) as well as the whole of what you wrote--what comes to mind is = is he bad-mouthing you to others?
1) He's content with the way things are in your relationship.
Or
2) He's not happy, but unwilling to talk to you about it. Nor change anything about it.
It sounds like you're not getting your needs met (I really don't like that phrase, because it sounds like you're talking about a kid or a teenager. But it does fit).
It also sounds like you want more out of the relationship (and life?). Nothing wrong with that either!
Have you tried taking to a counselor? With or without him?
You have to decide what's best for you. As easy as that sounds, it's often not that easy.
Keep riding your bike. No matter how many miles you ride. If you're enjoying it-that's good!
If your relationship has become like you’re living with a roommate with no love, fondness, care and compassion like you’re lovers, in my opinion you should call it and move on with your life. It will have a detrimental effect on your mental well-being by staying roommates with someone who is meant to be your life partner.
I was in a situation like this for many years. I was diagnosed with ADHD in June this year and have since treatment had the mental capacity to address the problems in my marriage. I brought it up, and we both decided to separate. I have grown and become a much happier person since without the negative feedback from someone who should be compassionate and love me.
Bmint34_ , I like favouredofchaos ' comment to you. I particularly like the "...since treatment had the mental capacity to address the problems..." part of it. I have waffled, for literally decades, on whether I should leave. I have been the responsible one, the wage earner, in my marriage, and one of the reasons I didn't want to quit was that I didn't want to give up what I had worked for, so I get your comment, "...why am I the one who has to move..."
My waffling was for many reasons. Though we are often roommates, we are still sometimes best friends, too, so that makes it hard to decide. But, maybe, with treatment, I'd see things more clearly. Maybe, with treatment, I'd start to really appreciate what I was missing. OR maybe it'd be easier to deal with those "bad times" because I'd have more clarity to go out and just live my own best life, even if he is still in the house.
Maybe treatment would make your decision making or coping easier, too. If it doesn't - then that in itself might contribute to helping you figure things out.
Food for thought, to use a trite phrase, but not a trite process. I need him to work with me on this because we own a home together. I have no doubt that we would continue to be good friends if we didn’t live together. Well…mostly, no doubt.
My suggestion is to extend the length and frequency of your field trips.
I married my middle school sweetheart; we first dated at age 12 and 13, married at 21 and 22, and remain married to date. I was diagnosed dyslexic in second grade; at age 50, I received my diagnosis of ADHD; I'll be 61 this January.
ADHD can inject serious challenges into a relationship.
I was diagnosed with ADHD after many years of uphill struggles. My thirty-plus years of marriage presented most of the negative issues between an ADHD spouse and their partner.
There are many reasons that couples stay together.
My wife and I have shared childhood and life experiences. Once diagnosed, it took her several years to comprehend what I deal with daily; she now understands. We are also living the roommate lifestyle; my CPAP sent her to another bedroom in the house. We have had some tough times in our marriage. We have had excellent counseling.
In response to your question, I would slow down a bit unless there is a need to cut off contact entirely because of abuse or other harm. You mentioned that you were just away biking; expanding the duration and texture of those forays would help in various ways.
In the best case, the new energy you bring into your relationship jolts your partner awake. An alternative outcome would be to find yourself prepared to move on into your new life.
The "in-between" seems the most challenging part of life changes. I would also forward that there are good reasons for life's ups and downs compared to a rough sea. Good and Bad, Up and Down, we can count on the eventual arrival of a storm; awareness is always better than the fog of indifference.
One last note, we tend to cause feelings of resentment with our spouses. I am aware that my ADHD behaviors can trigger my wife; this, in turn, caused her to resent me, catalyzed by my ADHD behaviors.
I have had the days when you want to run away and find someone to hug you back. The desire to breakout can be strong with the same energy as hunger, dissipating for a while but never going away entirely. My suggestion is to extend the length and frequency of your field trips. After five to ten adventures under your belt, you should have gained enough experience to know which path to follow.
About 1 a.m. last night I wrote in my journal that, since he was acting noncommital about our relationship, I might as well take advantage of the situation and take more trips. What you have written fits. After a series of trips away from the home front, I should have enough experience to figure out what to do next. As long as he is not being confrontational, then there is no need for me to take drastic action. Your message is calming me partly because what is coming across is all your experience and also the suggestion I slow down is something I need to hear. I have had abnormally high anxiety levels all my life.
I can’t tell you (and others) what a lifeline this site has become for me. For whatever reason, I do not communicate well face to face.
I still don’t get how I trigger resentment. I am always superanalyzing and reacting to his behavior and then treating my responses. How to see beyond my daily difficulties is a tricky thing.
My thoughts as a 61 year old male with ADD and some AS traights are
4 months is a long wait - can you afford the 1k or so to go private?
Picking up on the 'roommate' analogy, I wonder where libido and physical intimacy feature here? This may not be the place to discuss it but it can be an crucial aspect of relational dynamics.
One to one talking therapy (counselling) seems ideal for your situation. It seems like you need a wise confidant. This can be done online and can help you weigh up your situation and perhaps find a path forwards. I suggest once a week sessions. (Councelling helped me escape a bad marriage + I believe us ADHDers can be vulnerable to undeserved (harsh?) treatment via unsympathetic partners). You will need privacy for this (garden shed? Or can even be done sitting in a car)
It’s a.m. and a couple of other things. I am going private with the April appointment and it will cost more than 1K. I picked this guy because he has tons of experience with Aspies and ADHDers, and I need that to trust his diagnosis. I have a music room in the house and I can close and lock the door. I am still on the road - been absent from the homefront for over three weeks - and I am anxious about returning to the household with this guy.
I don’t know how to find a decent on-line counselor. I’ve tried two so far. Would have to be someone who can pick up on the subtleties of ADHD thinking.
I suspect his need for physical intimacy is a factor in the sort of cool intellectual badgering I am getting from him. I am guessing that getting the guys at the local tavern behind him had something to do with his ability to brush me off. Way beyond my ability to cope with them. I know myself I have been subjected to, as you say, undeservedly harsh treatment from others. (I had a shrink for five years who turned on me gradually instead of ending with me. There was nothing “therapeutic” about that experience. I believed at the time that I was responsible for his animus and continued to believe it for decades after that.)
Thx for the good wishes for a better life. I would like a better functioning and more productive life as I move into my 70’s.
Darn I hate stumbling on emails like yours Brmint34_. I answer only because I can truly relate and nobody considers problems like ours.
Consider yourself lucky to have had a stable relationship for 20 years. I am 71 and stumbled on the discovery that I've had ADHD all along as I approached 60, after seeing psycho therapists most of my adult life . But what I really want to share with you that inspite of avid and relentless attempts to secure a stable relationship in life I have never been able to. My marriage to a guy I knew 10 years, lasted three. After that most of my efforts left me trying to recover from breakups that rendered me semi suicidal.....After my discovery of my ADHD I only received treatment for it at 69, in spite of seeing both psychiatrists and psycho therapists until I moved to FL in 2018 and got a very good psychiatrist a year later. I'd already been taking anti depressants since I was about 40.
(That too was somewhat accidental and lucky).
My own self education on these MI variations also taught me that I have something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Most therapists like mine who didn't know a thing about ADHD even with all the MDs and PhDs after their names. And when relationships went kaplouey all I could hear was "Lucy you're too intense . You've got to calm down." Well sir/madam, if I could do that I wouldn't need you, would I?
I was always cautious with relationships but around 60 I finally did learn after a life of fighting, rejection, pain pain pain, to not get too close.. Until about the same time I didn't know about any of my multiple dysfunctions, while the rest of the world did. Altho I retired from a "successful" career in educational admin in 2010, it was never an easy ride. I don't know if I have Asperger's but I was not a complete dummy and I had a work ethic that humbled many colleagues and superiors (like your 50 mi bike rides???). I think I went through a lot of what you describe going through in your town now. A sense of isolation, ostracism, not fitting in, being judged as off balance or down right crazy.That's what I spent a lot of my life in. In your case it could be your ex salvaging his own image. Who knows?
You've got to move on and let the world learn about who you really are.
I don't think you should take your partner's distancing personally. A large part of the problem is HIS aging , not just yours.
You've probably should go back on an age appropriate anti depressant, find a good psycho therapist (pills alone are not the answer- but good luck because there's severe shortage) , then diversify/add to your activity/interest regimen. Expand girlfriend team. I have a simple circle of Tennis and sailing buddies of both genders. It's not intimate but increasingly I like my own company and that of those who do not reject me. They may be called "friends;" i.e. the family you choose... I would not go looking for a man........very frustrating before and even more so now. Probably not a good use of time and energy. The best relationships I've made is with people I've met in my interest area. Good luck😊
Hmmm…You have some skills I don’t have. I pretty much lack confidence in anything I do around people. Not pleasant when they look over my shoulder. I have bicycled with groups before, when I was younger. I made a fool and an ass of myself in a leadership role in the club, and never went back. I can do activities with one person at a time.
I read of rejection sensitivity disphoria early this year and it lit up the screen in my mind - couldn’t believe there was a label for something I have kept to myself all my life because of the bitter humiliating weakness of this sensitivity. I had shrinks say I was [really] sensitive but then what? How was one to cope with it or change it?
I see nothing wrong with not having had a long-term relationship…for someone else. Me, makes me feel quite inadequate. Go figure. Thx for the response.
You think we really have legit reasons for what we are? For the most part, I avoid social interaction that is repeated with the same people. I fall at the bottom of the heap, and interestingly enough it is not from self-pity. Of late I have been thinking I might fare better in a different culture - Americans are rough on each other, I believe.
Also, for the first time I have been working on cultivating friendships with women, which is not easy because of the poor poor relations I had with my mother and sister. When we work on a task together, I find that soothing. I also have started snail mail letters and contacts with a bunch of cousins. Gosh, I hope all this doesn’t dissipate! But it will always be somewhat of a minefield because of the bat-shit crazy walking on eggshells every day of the first 18 years of my life.
To answer your earlier question, YES I know there are legit reasons for what we are!!! There are even meds for RSD (Rejection sensitivity disorder). When I told my psychiatrist about them she told me that both of them are blood thinners. I can't take that because I have low blood pressure. The guy who is the top specialist/researcher in the country on it is Dr Bill Dodson who comes out of Colorado. I've learned a lot about it. Now good luck finding someone who knows about his research. Look him up tho. My psychiatrist did. She's the best I've ever had , bar none. 20 min with her feels like a lifetime of help. Unfortunately she does not counsel.
Your next point: Yes the US is a pretty heartless place. I myself came here as a baby with immigrant parents. Mom German, dad Polish. Both dead now. Until I moved here to Florida from the North east in 2018, I often thought of moving to abroad as well. But the Pandemic struck a year after I got here, and frankly I am rather tied into this country's economy with medical benefits, Also I am in midst of trying to write a book my family's struggle with MI...., so I don't see it such "long term" travel for a while. Short term yes. Hope to go to Europe in fall. We'll see.
Friendships with women: I had horrendous relations with my mother and sister as well, both of whom, along with my father who left, had serious mental issues they never knew about, but that I now know ever more about. I love the simplicity of men but the other side of that coin is indifference and emotional vacuousness. Socially I adore them , but in my experience everything changes with sex. Unless you have a good guy, a patient, compassionate, understanding guy who doesn't just call you "coo coo crazy" when things don't go his way." At least that's been my experience. And I don't have to tell you that as you get older the odds get worse. I think we have a better chance of crashing in a plane than having a successful intimate relationship.
But you can do this Bmint34_. It's a new year thank God. 2021 was no joke.
Smiled with your posting. 😊. Thank you! And thanks again to everyone else. Haven’t decided what I will say to him when I walk into the house, in fact haven’t decided much of anything, but change (I hope) will come in increments.
Here is one thing, though, I am not completely buying into: that I am all the problem and he isn’t any. One thing about Asperger’s, if you are treated sensitively a lot of the symptoms can recede or even disappear. I might start with the question of how we are going to structure our time together. Sounds disjointed, what I am writing, but there is a connection.
Several people have mentioned writing a book about their families and struggles. I certainly have and am thinking the same so I say go for it. The process in itself should have therapeutic value.
I'll start with the basics, after the obligatory statement (not specifically to you, but to anyone in a relationship): if you are being abused, the only safe thing to do is to get out and get help. Your safety and well-being are important. You are important.
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Now, to answer your post, I'm going to begin from the inside and work outwards.
(Note: I am not a relationship expert. The following reflects my views and what I've learned over the course of my life, and my 20 year marriage, particularly intense learning I've done over the last 9 months as I attempted to save my marriage from divorce.)
First, feeling like "roommates" aside, regardless of attraction: do you love your long-term relationship partner?
* Attraction can come and go, but it can also be grown intentionally. Attraction is not just physical (body), but also intellectual (shared interests & appreciation for one another's thoughts), emotional (the magnetic heart-to-heart attraction is wonderful if you have it for each other, but may not always be present in a good relationship and may be present in a bad relationship, so I mean more like feelings towards one another in general), and "spiritual" (i.e soul, shared faith is great, but even if you are not people of faith, shared beliefs and values attract people to one another). - Note: I borrow this model from MarriageHelper, International, the body/heart/mind/&soul, or as they refer to their attraction model, "the PIES" (an acronym for Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, & Spiritual areas of attraction).
Second, if you know that you love him, do you also like him and respect him?
Third, do you think/feel/believe that he likes, loves, and respects you, too. (Do you feel like you can talk honestly and openly with him about anything, about your thoughts & feelings, your wants & needs, etc.)
All the rest of the details are important, but for a couple to love, like, and respect each other is essential. It is important to address attraction towards one another, ADHD, treating depression, connections with other people, and being in agreement about where to live. But if the core relationship is solid, those other matters are much easier to deal with, to come into agreement about, compromise on, or perhaps continue to have different standpoints on respectfully.
(The love that I refer to above is the companionate or familial form of love. Romantic love does depend on mutual emotional attraction.)
If you and he differ too much on what's important to you both, it can be more difficult to rebuild the relationship from the level of being "just roommates".
(Disclosure: Sadly, it was too little, to late for us; she divorced me anyway. We are still on good terms, which I'm glad for because we are co-parenting two kids. I share what I've learned in brief, because I want to encourage others to start making progress on their relationship sooner, rather than later.)
I guess it all boils down to this: Do you know what you want?
Often, an indicator of what you want is realizing what it feels like you are lacking, or realizing what you miss from before.
If you could have exactly the best life you can envision for yourself, would it be with him? Take some time to dream a little.
Being together with someone for 20 years is significant. Were there good times that you would want to relive? What drew you two together in the first place? What kept you together in the first five years, ten years, fifteen years?
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According to a popular social science model, the different forms of love are different combinations of:
* Intimacy (knowing/understanding each other, not meaning physical intimacy)
* Passion (this most likely would include "physical intimacy", but of course, it depends on the couple)
* Commitment
As for me, my wife was my best friend, and I want that intimate knowing-each-other relationship back even more than the passionate, romantic side (and I really liked the passionate, romantic part of our relationship!)
The commitment part I've got in spades! I've always felt completely committed to her for life, even at times when the rest of our relationship had gotten to be very cool and detached.
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So, being just roommates is fine if you only want to be just roommates. But making that observation means that it's not what you want.
I think that you mentioned something about him resenting you (because of your ADHD behaviors). I hope it's just annoyance, and not true resentment. According to longtime marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, resentment is a relationship killer (what he calls one of "the Four Horsemen").
STEM_Dad. Sounds like there is hope for me, if I can figure out what I want and is enough for me. I have to work for a few days and that involves travel, so I have some time to digest this all. Thank you.
Maybe the cause of your depression is your unhappiness in the relationship and if you struck out on your own, you might not need the antidepressants. If you're capable of doing all that cycling at 69, I'd say you have a pretty good chance of starting over, do it.
I'm new to the site and devouring certain posts, including yours. I'm now very keen on learning how you handled going back, and how your life has changed. Are you more content? Maybe even happy? Have you integrated self-knowlege into a kinder, gentler view of yourself? Are you advocating for yourself more and setting boundaries on how you allow yourself to be treated? Or are you still questioning, waffling? Do let us know!
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