Adhd relationship- emotionally unavailable

[ADHDVIBES]

I’v recently started seeing someone, it been 4 months and we have just decided to become exclusive (I’ve never been in a relationship). I’m so indecisive, so throughout the whole relationship iv been feeling super ovwhelmed and questioning whether I actually want to be with him or not. I constantly go from hot to cold, one day I’ll want to be with him and the next day I don’t. He’s so good to me and really likes me. He even took me back after he found out I cheated in the first week of the relationship. I feel like I’m emotionally unavailable and am starting to think it might have something to do with my adhd? Has anyone else relate?!

[BlessedLady]

It sounds like it is a combination of several different things. You need to see a counselor so you can get to the bottom of it. This will take time and you need to be patient.

[FindingTheAnswers]

Hi. Yes I've been there. I was indecisive, super overwhelmed, Hot/Cold, and questioning everything. My story is probably (Obviously with our age difference) a lot different that yours, and has been going on a lot longer. I came from a very dysfunctional family. So did my ex-wife (FYI, she was/is a Special Ed teacher. On the weekends she would tutor some of her ADHD students in our house). I thought she had here act together better than I did--which was not true. Also, she never showed others the side she showed to me. She was a 'Chameleon'-just like the others in my family (nothing psychological there!). I have never been hurt so bad before, or since while we were married. She was hot and cold also. Almost like Gaslighting. Between her and my family, I often questioned my sanity. We divorced after 7 years of marriage. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD and given an Rx until age 47. It was truly life changing. A lot of my life became clearer, esp with my family. But there was (and some ways still is) a lot of 'Bad programming' in my head. So was it the ADHD? For me, yes it definitely played a part. But so did my family dysfunction, and the dysfunction she had. Love(?), dysfunction, and a beautiful woman is a bad combination. For my part, I had no business getting married. I was.....lost. In a very bad place Mentally and Emotionally. And what else? i'm still learning who I really am (I know that sounds weird, but it's true).

For some of us ADHDers, this may be 1 of our traits that isn't recognized yet?

You have to live your own life. But you owe it to your lovers, and to yourself, to figure this out.

Sorry I don't have any better answers then my own experience. I'm hoping that others will reply to your Post. There has to be others who have been in this situation. I would like to hear from them.

[ADHDVIBES in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

Thankyou so much for sharing, I really appreciate this!

[MTA-]

My guess is it has more to do with ADHD-related trauma, than with ADHD itself. I relate, and I think that's the way it is for me.

Read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. You will see yourself so hard in that book. I did.

[Gettingittogether]

Yes, it's related to ADHD but not exclusively ... ADHD actually makes it hard for us to learn our feelings and process our feelings ... but that's only one part of us ..

Get to therapy if you want to learn how to know what you feel, how to express it with another person and on so.

[Betsy74]

Slightly different view here - maybe you just aren’t that in to him. You mention that he really likes you and that he is good to you but don’t say much about your feelings for him, and you say you cheated on him (no judgement by the way). Maybe you are just trying to fit with the normal looking being in a relationship thing and maybe that is the thing here?

[humble-rasberry]

I struggle with this a lot, im 23 and ive never been in a real relationship, ive had a lot of flings and been dating but i get so in my head and end things when I become uncertain, then regret it once its gone or else romanticize what could have been. I dont have much experience, but my communication skills have been something ive really tried to work with my therapist on. She talks alot about mindfulness and being able to stay in the moment to really experience things for what they are and what emotions come. I feel like everyone says mindfulness is the answer to everything and its so hard sometimes, but i think thats the biggest thing I’m trying to teach myself. Also I’ve been doing stream of conciousness journaling, where i just set a timer for 20 minutes and write about whatever is on my mind and usually in that time some thoughts about my insecurities and own issues come out and then it helps to read it back and observe my thought process. Maybe writing about your partner in this way can help you find out if its something with them or a personal issue? I always run at the first site of conflict but I urge you to do the opposite and just stop thinking about it and let it happen and try and try until you feel it’s just not working. Sending best wishes!

[ADHDVIBES in reply to humble-rasberry]

I’m exactly the same! Iv had a lot of flings that end, only for me too want them back and think what could have been! Which is exactly what happened, I ended things and then started thinking these thoughts and got him back, I know if I end things it will happen again and I’ll just keep going in circles! Thankyou for your advice I think whiting will definitely help! All the best too you

[schmoody in reply to humble-rasberry]

I just got over my first relationship (duration: 2 years), but I had never dated anyone before that. I still haven't after the fact and it's been two years since the breakup. I feel very standoffish towards men regarding intimacy. I did before I got into the old relationship and I've reverted to the same behavior once again. I'm definitely not asexual, I love sex, but I'm extremely avoidant about it until I'm not. I relate to the hot and cold thing immensely. My ex was no saint, but I feel I kinda set myself up for it. I feel like I was a bad girlfriend and my hot and cold behavior/emotions eventually drove him away, which wasn't my intention. I feel I was so unemotional without meaning to be that I often came off insensitive, but at the same time would get extremely over emotional if triggered or something. I have no idea how to manage my rage when I get that upset. I usually just run to the bathroom to hide and secretly freak out, so I don't do or say something I'll end up regretting. I'm still confused by that relationship. I'm scared to get into another one. Especially since it took me so long to get over the breakup. I don't even know if I really loved him or if loved the dopamine that I got from being with him. The loss devastated me, but I'm wondering if that's more so due to the lack of dopamine I experienced once we broke up. I got a lot of dopamine from being in that relationship, it was sorta addicting and made the whole thing very toxic unfortunately. I'm so impulsive and when a powerful emotion arises I'd immediately dump my ex, only to get back together with him once the feeling subsided. I know it was emotionally abusive of me to do. He was probably very confused as well. I don't want to treat another partner like that. I also would go from having an extremely high libido (like sex 5+ times a day) to dreading it and making excuses to put it off other days. I wasn't having any issues (like upset with him or anything), I just did not feel the need/care to have it. I don't really understand it. I also find it difficult to maintain interest/effort when trying to talk with/date new people now. Some days I'm all about it, other days I could care less. The inconsistency of my own doing has made me feel very isolated and lonely. I want a companion but I don't know how to maintain a relationship.

[TooTiredtofunction]

I feel you, I would love to be in a relationship but with my ADHD

I feel basically Unlovable or incapable of loving someone the correct way.

How do people find a partner with ADHD or other health issues?. How do you start a relationship with that much baggage?

Even just a friend. My ADHD and other issues keep me from socializing with men

Companionship would certainly be better than being lonely sometimes.

Hi I have ADHD and other medical issues, Do you want to go on a date?

Or when do you bring it up.

I don’t reply often. But finally someone I can relate to their questions.

Sorry so long.

[FindingTheAnswers in reply to TooTiredtofunction]

TooTiredtofunction-- Very well said. Sadly, yes. I know that feeling all to well. But when you said "Hi I have ADHD and other medical issues, Do you want to go on a date?" I've tried it. It doesn't work with women.

[Mikk1 in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

No, maybe that doesn't work with women They biologically look for health, not for illness. It's nature.

Maybe for men beauty has more importance, so it's a bit different and they could accept better uncommon behaviours.

[ADHDVIBES in reply to TooTiredtofunction]

No this wasn’t long at all, Im so glad that you can relate I relate with you too.My adhd is honestly such a struggle especially when dating. I have never been in a relationship but have been dating and gone on quite a lot of dates, I think it’s fun.Personally I will always tell the person on the first date that I’m dyslexic and have adhd.

On my first date I will always make sure I am 100% myself, I’m weird, I’m forgetful, I’m talkative, I’m loud and will never hide the fact I have adhd or to mask any of my adhd traits, because I would rather them reject me after the first date, when they’ve seen my true self, then later down the track when I’m invested and can’t hide my adhd anymore. My adhd isn’t something I’m ashamed of, it’s just something I struggle to deal with.

The guy that I’m seeing now (talking about in my post) also has adhd, which is why I think he has stuck around for so long and is so understanding why I am the way that I am.