Question about 21 yo daughter

[AmyLeetheNP]

Hi there. I’m sure he mom of a 21 yo daughter with long-standing ADD , NVLD and anxiety. Has struggled with social anxiety and poor self esteem from past rejections. She does not reach out for help when needed, neither in school( is in college), personal life and internalizes everything despite working regularly with a therapist, though not sure she truly explains how lonely and sad she is. She feels like people will never be there for her. I see so many missed opportunity notices and feel like if she just allowed herself some experiences , it would get a bit more familiar and less overwhelming. I am struggling as to find a balance between supporting, encouraging and yes, repeating myself over and over.she feels life is like “ Groundhog Day”, her description since mid high school. Looking for suggestions and perhaps an online support group for her. Any info appreciated.

[Jjflash]

Hiya Amy,another heartbreaking story of another young person.I sympathise massively with your daughters' situation.Please show your daughter your unconditional patience and understanding.I bet she's hurting like crazy,she sounds so withdrawn and depressed.She probably doesn't know how she can escape the situ she's in.Maybe she can come on this site on her own behest because she probably feels that no one understands and everyone else is having a great time while she is really feeling low.Maybe point your daughter in this direction so that she can read for herself that others,both young and old have similar long-term issues.Some might resonate with your daughter and hopefully she'll attach herself with others.Meditation/wellbeing/yoga/counselling are all options,but preferably they come from your daughter herself.Anything to break the cycle for her.Please let her know you're there for her and only her happiness matters.Good luck with everything Amy.

[zonarosso in reply to Jjflash]

I agree with Jjflash, patience, patience, patience. Letting go of your expectations helps also. I spent years with my son helping him towards healing through professionals ( he's on #4 therapist after bad or useless experiences with the first three) and supplements to get his body healthy. He finally decided to take welbutrin which has helped but he still has not gotten an official ADHD evaluation. It's been one small step at a time. He's finding his way through life the best he can with the cards he's been dealt. It's easy for my wife and I to fall into the 'it's our fault' syndrome which really does not help and infuriates him as he hates it when he perceives he's causing trouble for anyone. He'll shut down until the eventual angry outburst. I found that texting works the best, but don't expect an answer. Short, sweet, encouraging words help even if not acknowledged. Be a steady, reliable, unconditional source of love and support. Good luck. Keep checking in here. It helps to express your feelings in words.

[dnz3311]

I would advise that you have love, tolerance and patience with your daughter AND yourself.

I myself have ADHD and my daughter does as well. We have different symptoms and issues but are also very similar. Knowing what I struggle with, I still find myself getting frustrated with some of her behaviors even though I know... I know!!! So just be gentle and guide her to resources that can help her because what she probably needs most from you is support and also space to figure things out and find her way.

Unfortunately, adhd females often struggle with anxiety and depression. There are an abundance of reasons for this. Has she explored all of the effects and coexisting conditions that come with having adhd?

When life gets very difficult, both my daughter and I find ourselves just folding and crying and expressing that we wish we had “normal “ brains and even that we had more accepted or understood issues. Accepting that this is the way my brain works and these are the cards in life I was dealt was a long process and sometimes when I am low, it bubbles back up to the surface.

I hope that sharing some of my experience helps, I really don’t have anything else to offer. I know that loving a child, even when they are an adult, and watching them suffer is the most difficult thing for me as a mother. I sympathize and I wish you all the best.

[AmyLeetheNP in reply to dnz3311]

Thank you so much the your reply. I appreciate you sharing you and your daughters journeys. Some days are harder than others . When you said the hardest thing is watching our daughters struggle, that is exactly it! My daughter has and continues to get support with her anxiety and depression. That said she rarely opens up and shares, even to those providers or even friends. I feel self acceptance is what may be needed initially, as well as be open to wanting to accept the support and love. Sounds like you have a good understanding and connection with your daughter, so important. She is lucky to have you there with her!

[dnz3311 in reply to AmyLeetheNP]

I wish someone would tell her that ! Haha no we have a great relationship but my adhd is just as frustrating to her as hers is to me.

I have learned the hard way that the best thing to do for my daughter is to just say, hey I’m here if you need anything. Often my desire to “fix” or make things better just makes her feel anxious and claustrophobic because of her adhd.

[robert1969]

Suggestion: go to "How to ADHD" on YouTube. I'll be your daughter can relate to the brilliant young lady who "stars" on that channel!

[AmyLeetheNP in reply to robert1969]

Thanks for the resource. Will have her check it out!

[DesertAl]

My daughter 25 and my younger daughter 22, have battled with anxiety, ADHD, and depression. I was diagnosed with ADD at age fifty. A loved one suffering anxiety is painful to watch as well respond to; my observation is that we tend to want to cheerlead the anxiety suffer out of their intransigent mental state.

My personal experience and that of me daughters has been that cheerleading triggers what I discern to be the derivative impacts of the anxiety, i.e., depression, self-isolation, and low self-esteem. When a loved one or anyone is fighting anxiety, the best response is to convey compassion and empathy if not merely offering your ear. Just be there.

If you're afraid for your daughter's safety, if you feel she might self-harm, ask her bluntly straight out, "[X], are you thinking of hurting yourself." When I dealt with my own anxiety attacks, I found support in cognitive therapy and limited medication.

My self-reflection and study suggest that the root of all my self worth issues are related to childhood feelings of traumatic shame. While anxiety might be related to issues other than shaming, depression, and low-self esteem are derivative impacts of shame, they are derived from impactful behaviors as well as the originating trauma.

I still register shame when my ADD or my dyslexia results in an impact. I process it manually when triggered. The time it takes me to resurface out of the failure varies from a second to as long as days.

We all have a narrative, it provides a context for who we are, what we do, why we do it, etc., like a wireframe coated with paper mache. We can have more than one personal narrative; I guarantee it will change throughout your life, Deciphering this inside story can provide great insight, what is your daughter's internal narrative?

Cognitive therapy is the first stop, lending your non-cheerleading, and non-judgmental self is second. We are all biased towards cheerleading; I used to try to make my girls smile or laugh to get them out of their funk, guess what, it didn't work.

"Twenty Minutes," that is the duration of most anxiety attacks; at least I think that is what I read. The message should be, this will pass, I'm here for you, Ask your doctor about anti-anxiety medication. Lengthy bouts of anxiety can be extremely destructive, further increasing shame and the derivative impacts.

[AmyLeetheNP in reply to DesertAl]

Thank you for your insight and sharing your personal perspectives. Very very helpful. Very hard to sit by and see someone struggle for so long and NOT be a cheerleader. I look at it more as advocate and if she isnt doing the advocating then as her mom said should be( not doing the work or doing it for her), yet point it out. Which I know is not really what she may need , but hard not to do often .

[pragman in reply to AmyLeetheNP]

I second DesertAl on the advice from my own experience of dealing with my ADHD...try to listen as much as you can and try to understand her instead of getting her to do things. She will figure out what works best for her, since her mental makeup is different. I don't have a single role model in my life who wasn't kind to me and accommodated my differences. Tough love doesn't work for people like us. It just makes us feel even more anxious. See if you can find a way for her to signal dangerous thoughts or distress that might need professional help, so that you don't have to worry unless its necessary.

[75ADHDgal]

She is an adult ! She has to want to improve- Therapy- ADHD group- woman's group. Medications - all help- And it is up to her - you cannot drag an adult to anything - You did your job raising her- now it is her job to manage ( or not ) in the workd - It is her choice!

Gail - Nurse Practitioner - age 76