Looking for advice on listening

[BTV65]

When I was in college, I realized I had to make a choice. I could listen to a lecture, or I could take notes. I could not do both at the same time.

I recently discovered a new symptom of that basic problem. Now I can't listen and think/problem solve at the same time. My wife asks me to do something, and my brain goes off to analyze what is needed and if I have all the materials for it, meanwhile she is still talking and neither of us realize I have stopped listening. I keep missing important bits of information and it's extremely frustrating to her. I have no idea how to 'stop thinking' though.

Thoughts?

[Hidden]

Due to the fact that we are online, I will record what people say because I can’t count on my listening skills. I’m not sure if recording will solve your problem but perhaps talk to your wife and you can come up with a plan.

[BTV65 in reply to Hidden]

That was my solution in college, to tape record the teaching session and take notes later as I listened to it again. That's not so hard to manage, because you know when your classes are and what needs to be recorded. However, every day life is different. Over the years there has been the frequent accusation "I told you...", but I would have no memory of it. Now I think we have finally found circumstances. I can't record every conversation whenever I'm talking to people, then play them back later to see if I missed anything. It's not feasible. My wife and I have spoken of this. Neither of us can think of a working solution.

[Clayfox]

My wife has adhd and the exact same listening/thinking single track. I've had to learn enough about adhd to understand that focus and activation are not tied to importance like they are in me. That has made it possible for me to not take it personally when she forgets or has trouble doing something our family needs. Knowing that she still cares about me even when it's hard to do the task that takes care of me has taken the sting out of it and allowed us to find accommodations (phone alarms, calendars, etc.).

Honestly, the biggest part was not whether she succeeded at every part of domestic life, it was knowing that when she didn't, it wasn't secretly that she didn't care. This was the biggest part for her as much as for me. It allows her to both ask for the help she needs and forgive herself for the things that are hard for her.

[BTV65 in reply to Clayfox]

Have you come up with any techniques to help in the listening/thinking scenario? If I'm distracted by a task or external item that draws my attention and she is watching me, then she knows. However, thinking doesn't have such obvious signs. She can't tell when she has lost me or I've come back or how long I was gone and what I might have missed. I'm not even aware I tuned her out.

For "serious discussions", we've both learned to sit down at a table making eye contact and putting aside all possible distractions so that we each can see we have the other's full attention. It's the daily smaller interactions that are vexing us.

[Clayfox in reply to BTV65]

I am currently living in a multigenerational house where my son, partner, and mother in law all have adhd. With my son and partner, I know that I have to get and hold their attention if I want to get something on their radar. That often involves a light hand on the shoulder or knee until they're able to shift their focus (especially if there's a book or phone involved). It's something that works without repeating myself and doesn't make them feel like they messed up.

Parent and spouse relationships are, and should be, very different. For my son, I use one-word reminders (e.g. shoes, dishes, etc), and I know it's on me to make sure they get through. For my partner, phone alarms are key, and she knows it. It's my job to make sure I got through, and it's her job to set alarms to follow through.

As I homeschool my son, I am trying to add adhd accommodations such as doing more small chunks instead of one big chunk. As my partner and I learn more about adhd, we're recognizing that relationship accommodations are useful as well, such as making sure I'm getting through.

If your partner is expecting you to be a master of your own focus, that's unrealistic. I'm colorblind, and my partner has had to learn not to ask for "the blue one". We all need our own accommodations.

[BTV65 in reply to Clayfox]

Thank you. You have given me some food for thought.

I think I personally get "lost" in the middle of a conversation, so I'm not quite sure how to apply your advice to those situations, but I'll give it some more thought.

[Clayfox in reply to BTV65]

My partner also gets lost in the middle of conversations, and I'm a the kind of talker who pauses to think about what I want to say. It took work on my part to not take her lapse of focus as a lack of caring, and on her part to be okay with asking me to repeat myself.

Try to find a way to say "I've lost the thread" that works for you and your partner. Also, understanding and believing, on both of your parts, that a lack of sustained focus doesn't mean you don't care.

It might not sound like a solution, but a deep understanding of what's happening and why, is the solid foundation needed to build your solutions upon.