Suggestions for improving communication in committed relationships

[GtnBetter]

Having been diagnosed as an adult resulting from my children's diagnoses, I am discovering that my ADHD impacts my communication skills within my marriage. This difficulty is creating much stress in the relationship. I know that it "takes two to tango", but I want to give my best effort to do my part in communicating effectively and empathically. I welcome any suggestions, including counselors or therapists who could help me/us.

[Stonesfan]

I would look into a course of CBT

Mine starts next week.

Everyone I have spoken to says it always gives some benefit.

[GtnBetter in reply to Stonesfan]

Thanks. I have heard of that in relation to BPD. My wife appears to exhibit some traits associated with that but passively denies it and highlights my ADHD as our problem.

[Stonesfan in reply to GtnBetter]

DBT treatment is good for a BPD

CBT treatment is good for ADHD

BPD & ADHD in a relationship is a bad mix IMHO.

People with BPD can deny it and can be therapy avoidant. They can also be crabby, impatient bullies and run you down for being forgetful.

She should be tolerant and sympathetic to your condition. But may be in denial of her own and prefer her (cruel?) behavior to continue unchecked.

Couples therapy with someone very skilled (like a psychiatrist) might be able to help)

If she won't go to that, get yourself a therapist so you have a mental health professional on your side and someone to talk to.

You deserve to be happy.

[GtnBetter in reply to Stonesfan]

Thanks...It has been a rough go...

[GtnBetter in reply to Stonesfan]

Ooops.. yes Dialectic Behavior Therapy for BPD. Where are you taking the CBT course?

[F_RN_Dx_at_39 in reply to GtnBetter]

I haven't done it, but if you sign up for Kanopy with your library card, there is a CBT lecture series that is free.

[noles88 in reply to GtnBetter]

I know this has been some time since you posted. This could be a factor of different things that make you think this. I have ADHD combined type and was diagnosed in 2019. I'm 33 with a good job and married for 11 years and we have 4 kids together. I know it's hard to hear but you might have to look at yourself when it comes to how she's reacting. I know with my relationship my wife was pulling more slack at home and with the kids but my "excuse" was I mad all the money and needed to just rest at home. Or I would help with what I could see but I don't see mess as an issue and don't get bent out of shape when kids are yelling and screaming, unless I'm trying to concentrate lol. Maybe your wife is feeling overwhelmed by the roles that she's having to do because you don't see them or don't know that she needs help. The big thing is that you get help. I've been doing therapy online she does CBT and other types kind of jumbled together and it has helped with hearing an unbiased opinion to what is going on. I even find myself defending my wife when she starts to put things on her saying she should cut you slack. Explaining that this is after telling me 5 times to do said task before I do it or whatever. It also helps she is a women so I can here her perspective on that and she knows how anxiety works as well, which my wife has. The biggest thing is to say what you need and ask her what she needs. When you are both in a good mood ask her to make a list of things that she needs help with and things both she and you need to work on. Then you do the same and come back later and talk about the issues you are having. Often times it's so funny how easily something could be resolved by just knowing what is expected and by knowing what each of you wants. I also suggest that you take notes while doing this and right down questions to ask once she finishes talking. Come into this with a level head and respect her point of view no matter how crazy it might seem to you. I heard on a podcast that the brain is like a switchboard in a studio and there are all these knobs and switches and neurotypical people have the ability to fine tune and add a little of this or that where we, as non neurotypicals, don't it's either on or its off. We don't kinda listen or get the sorta get the needs of others. We just do or we don't. Nobody reads minds and she has to be aware of this just as much as you. If it's stressing her out having to pull your slack, which I'm sure at times she does (which sucks I know). But she doesn't let you know or blows up because you left the toilet seat up when really it's because she picked up your shoes, did the laundry (checking your pockets for pens), cleaned the kitchen (that you messed up while "helping out" by making dinner), and dealing with her own personal stuff and all that comes with being a parent. Often people can be passive aggressive and so when they reach their limit that snap and you could end up thinking if you just put down the toilet seat your marriage will be saved. BTW I highly recommend never implying or saying your spouse has a mental health issue. It probably seemed to her that your reason that you don't do what she wants is cause she's crazy to think you would. With my wife's anxiety I just asked if she was ok and asked if she noticed things and asked if she would be interested in getting help. Luckily she was open to it and that helps a lot. So if she does have something just approach it how you would like someone to come at you about your shortcomings. With respect and with their interest in mind and not how it could make your life easier.

[GtnBetter in reply to noles88]

Thanks for your thoughts, noles88. I appreciate your time sharing them and will be reflecting on them!

[Stonesfan]

I've been there, so feel for you.

[GtnBetter in reply to Stonesfan]

👍

[Meisterburger]

Melissa Orlov’s books are an excellent resource. Her course has saved many marriages and I highly recommend it.

[GtnBetter in reply to Meisterburger]

Yes, my wife and I took the course with Melissa a number of years ago. I think we need to revisit it.

[LateBlumer in reply to Meisterburger]

We read and took course, both. Unfortunately neither of us were ready to take individual responsibility for our behaviors, and for us it was like going to a therapist where all we did was point fingers. May be a great course but if not ready, nothing happens. We’ve struggled for nearly 11 years. I’ve decided to move on (nonADHD) after trying everything I could find. I became the keeper of the solutions. None of them worked ..Until I took myself out of the equation. I stopped responding, arguing, living in same space, eating/sleeping with him. And I am getting ready to start a new career after 50 years. I began to focus on just my comfort and sanity..without being in conflict all day every day with him. NOW he is working on all sorts of solutions. I told him since he was the one with the known and manageable issues, he needed to find a solution for him. Not us. I give him credit for making some moves to improve his communication deficits. I am finding myself having soft positive interest and responses - it’s only been two months, so I will continue with my plan to get situated to leave if necessary. Will see how this works. Orlav course was a starting point for us. I think collectively we have found insight in all our attempts, and am sure Orlav course was more helpful than we knew. But it just was not “the answer”, per se A good start maybe reading a book listening to a single voice, turned out to be too subjective and open to wrong interpretation I prefer another qualified perspective or perspectiveS!

Please look at add.org. Many wonderful groups and resources to help. Regularly scheduled professional talks that are not too long or clinical. Their annual conference is next month. Am going to attend virtually.

I hope this helps you

add.org

$5/month or $50/year

[Stonesfan]

CBT is available everywhere. Mine is over zoom in the UK.

[GtnBetter]

👍

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

I just started a relationship with an Anxious Attacher who loaned me her book entitled Attached. It was enlightening. I was naïve to attachment theory. It has helped me see things through her perspective, since she read it first and highlighted it. Also, I highly recommend that if you go the route of couples counseling, make sure the counselor understands ADHD, or they may steer you wrong (per Orlov, and experienced by me... we paid for 3 mo of tattle tale sessions, that did nothing to address our issues or work on how to adapt for the future).

[GtnBetter in reply to F_RN_Dx_at_39]

Thanks. We’ve tried counseling before and my wife always feels ganged up on and feels I lie or withhold or skew.

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

Maybe you could let her pick the counselor? If she feels like even the counselor is against her, sounds like she might have some issues too that she's not ready to work on

[LateBlumer]

Try looking here for help. I am nonADHD spouse But there is a wealth of group and peer support here. Great resources. Very inexpensive to join. $5/month or $50/year There is a Thursday night couples group online. It is good not be alone, and to share. This ADDA is very inclusive and offers many routes to find help.

add.org.

“ADDA is committed to providing its members with cutting-edge information from the leading experts in the field of ADHD and ADD.

One of the most powerful resources available to ADDA members is the Webinar series. There are dozens of one-hour Webinar programs on a variety of topics by the leading experts on ADHD.

You no longer have to worry about finding experts whose advice and information you can trust. ADDA has done the work for you.”

——-copied from an ADDA email to me

[99cents]

I have been going to a counselor who understands ADHD and does CBT. It's been a huge help to my marriage. To be clear, what I thought were merely communication issues turned out to be a lot deeper. Also, on this case I think it was good that I was going myself and focusing mostly on my issues. Previous counselors were either unhelpful or mildly helpful.

This counselor diagnosed my ADHD after about 6 months.

So I tried 3 counselors before finding one that worked. And I saw many non professionals and read many self help books before that.

My wife wasn't really open to couples counseling after the one try. And with my ADHD it has probably been good for me to get individual help as well.

[GtnBetter in reply to 99cents]

Thanks.... sounds like great advice...I had been doing that before COVID shutdown hit, then unfortunately my counselor died (unrelated to COVID).

[ADDesq]

One thing I’m trying to do with my SO is just be really clear about what is very difficult for me and what I’m good at, so we can divide some responsibilities to our strengths rather than repeatedly trying to force the opposite to great frustration, rancor, and resentment. It’s a work in progress but it seems to be helping.

[JLBowman]

I’m blessed to have a very supportive husband but it’s been a learning curve for us both as I was diagnosed after 33 years of marriage. We’re both a bit passive-agressive, so our main goal has been “say what you mean, and mean what you say” done with love, patience and tolerance. Also, I’ve worked on asking for help when I need it, whether it be with a task, a change of habit for either of us, or just listening and understanding. Our cue to back off if an argument is brewing is “I’m not going to talk to you any more.” Almost always that lasts no more than 15 minutes and we end up laughing, but it gives both of us time to re-group and think about what’s really going on.