Relationship Problems Stemming from ADHD

[NDMama]

My partner and I have been together for nine years and have 2 beautiful babies together. One of the biggest points of contention in our relationship is my inability to keep the house clean and organized. It causes my partner a lot of stress and sometimes I feel so guilty and ashamed to have my children living in a dirty house (it's not horder status, but it's messy). We get into constant fights and it has even prevented us from getting married. I was diagnosed with ADHD back in January, and everything just fell into place for me with not just cleaning, but several things I've struggled with. I try to explain that I'm trying, but the ADHD means it's something I've struggled with my whole life. Rhat especially with our boys running around screaming (they're 1 and 6, I have accepted this as a fact of life right now lol), I get overwhelmed and just shut down. And he says that it's just an excuse and I need to do better. So I start thinking, is it just an excuse, am I making it all up to explain my laziness, what is wrong with me, why can't I just get it together!?

I've considered going on medication, but I'm worried. I've had extremely bad side effects to any medication that alters my brain chemistry. And I question who I will be without it.. will I even be myself? It's taken a lot of counseling to be able to look in the mirror and accept who I see, will I have to do that all over again?

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm not a "real woman". I feel like a failure. I feel like I have no worth. And I'm tired. I'm tired of doing this every day.

Thanks if you've made it this far. I just need support until I can talk to my therapist on Thursday.

[RudeandAwake]

Hi NDMama; I'm really new here. I joined the forum a handful of days ago, looking for practical advice & general ideas for well-being that pertained to ADD/ADHD. I don't feel confident in giving advice myself, since I've never gotten a formal diagnosis of my own, and I have pretty low self-esteem besides. But I must say that you are doing far better in life than I have so far; You've been a mother for 6 years and haven't completely lost your marbles!

I never had children; I knew by the time I was 20 that it wasn't the path for me. But I've watched all of my friends go through the phases of starting their families, and seen how rough it is, in tons of different ways.

It takes SOOO much of your energy just to pay attention to a little one. All the way from eye-contact & touch responses, to figuring out the best way to answer their endless questions & explain things in the ways they'll understand the most clearly. And all that's just some of the cognitive needs ---of only ONE child. That doesn't account for all the other things; every meal, every change of clothes, every diaper, every naptime or bedtime, every toy they play with, doctor's appointments, daycare, learning words & numbers & colors, having bad dreams & teaching them to how to learn to handle their own fears, potty-training, sharing & compromises..... It's endless!

And you've already been pulling ALL of that off ---For SIX YEARS!!!

THAT'S AMAZING!!!

I bet if your husband had to do everything you're expected to, he'd fall apart in a week tops.

[Anayaa]

Hi NDMama.. I am also a mother of a toddler and new member here. I have faced slight postpartum blues myself, taking care of babies is not an easy task. Yoh have one 6 year old who has different needs and 1 year old who is fully dependent on you. Give your self a little bit ease right now. Think about your comfort, what can make your life a little easy. Ask for help and take help if some offers.if no one understands, let it be that way. You give yourself care love and support. Every day is not the same, some are ok some are good. This phase shall also pass.

[Eclecticentric77]

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you've been going through. I myself have Inattentive ADHD (IA) and struggled for years with difficulty with executive function and organization. Thankfully in my mid 20s I discovered I had IA and sought treatment and it changed my life for the better. Similar to you, I also had difficulty with certain medications because of my sensitive neurochemistry, and because of this I've been researching ADHD for the last couple of years. Stimulant medications generally help out with the neurotransmitters Dopamine and Norepinephrine, yet these are NOT the only 2 neurotransmitters people with ADHD have difficulty with. Because of this I started taking supplements in order to address the other neurotransmitters/struggles people with ADHD have (in order to treat the condition fully), and started taking supplements to help fight off medication side effects and most importantly fight off oxidation from the medication. This has changed my life for the better these last couple of years, and has allowed me to complete my education and work with the ADHD community. There is hope and there are different treatment options, keep your head up. In case you're interested, if you click my picture, it'll take you to my profile on here, where in the bio section you'll find some helpful links to some resources I've created for those of us with ADHD, including a google-word doc that includes what supplements I take and how they help out ADHD, and a link to my ADHD youtube channel where I have some videos that I think might be of some assistance. Best regards!

[Lenon526]

Hi NDMama. First I don't know you but I can confidently say you are not lazy. If you are taking care of two small humans you are not lazy and dealing with ADHD on top of that means you are working harder than most to do everything you do.

Anyone with little children and in a long term relationship the struggle is real but for those with ADHD its that much more difficult. I would start with making sure you are taking plenty of deep breaths, not kidding I have to remind my self a lot. Then take a look at life style. Make sure you are getting any help you can with the kids so you can get closer to as much sleep as you need. As far as none medication solutions sleep and exercise every day are the top things that help. Then a solid diet staying away from the processed sugars we all love so much. For me I do all of these and they give me a decent base but I still struggle without medication. Adderall and Ritalin make me irritable and a bit explosive but Vyvanse has really helped me. It can take up to a year or more to get you meds right but you don't have to stay on them forever. If they can give you an edge to get your feet under you can get some other strategies in place you may be able to stop them. But if you are really struggling they may be what you need to be able to get started.

I would also suggest looking into some relationship books centered around ADHD. My wife and I took Melissa Orlov's online seminar a few months ago and it was eye opening for both my wife and I. Especially with us having 3 boys 9, 7 and 5. We have also com to realize that they very likely have ADHD as well as it is a very strong gene.

ADHD is a real and official disorder that impacts your daily life in a very real way. Educate yourself as much as you can and try to get you partner to do the same. With a better understanding you can both stop blaming you and start blaming the ADHD so you can work together to overcome the struggles.

I hope this helps. Hang in there there is hope and help out there.

[wtfadhd]

Hey you, its almost Thursday!!We can all sit here and tell you that you are not lazy, etc etc and validate you but my guess is that you need to hear that from your partner to really believe it. I too struggle terribly with relationship issues. I have been married to someone who doesnt understand nor care to understand ADHD and also in a relationship where my boyfriend really tries to understand. It makes a HUGE difference. HUGE. I agree with the group members that suggested getting you n your partner obtaining more education and info on ADHD. You two have been together without being “ stuck” due to marriage papers so that tells me that there is love and committment. That right there is a very good indication that there is real hope for your relationship and situation.❤️

[IgnoranceWasNotBliss]

Ahhhhhhhh your partner! I would give him a really dirty look if I ever saw him 😡 You’re not unmarried because the house isn’t up to his standard or whatever other reasons he’s given you over the last 6+ years of your relationship. You’re not married because he has commitment issues! That is NOT your fault! I’m sure he loves to make it seem like your fault. But it definitely is not! Believe me, you could be the prefect soccer mom with a bear freak house and this guy will just find another reason to blame you for him not marrying you. So don’t buy into what he’s saying. Don’t let him blame you. Ignore his insensitive accusing and realize he is just hiding his own huge flaw! So when he comes up with “reasons” he hasn’t married you, remember he’s just hiding and manifesting his own insecurities!!!!

I agree with a previous poster about how well you’re doing. You have 2 children. I only have one. He is 2.5 years old and he ripped my entire life apart in days after being born. I have not handled it well AT ALL and it led to my diagnosis in September last year. I barely survived the 2 years prior! With ADHD, we are very all or nothing. Before the baby? I struggled badly with keeping things in order and clean. After the baby, I went the exact opposite and needed EVERYTHING clean and organized to the point that it put terrible strain on the relationship with my husband and baby. Prehaps I was just trying to get get some sort of control into my life. So I went from never being able to clean and it affecting my life to cleaning and organizing all the time and it affecting my life. All or nothing. I can hyperfocus on something and kill it!! It gets my ALL and it gets done! And done pretty well! Or, the thing gets nothing. And it’s likely that I am in a phase of being overwhelmed by all the things I have to do, but can’t do because I can’t get started and I can be paralyzed by how overwhelmed I am. I could be so exhausted and need to just sit on the couch from being so tired OF JUST THINKING about all the things I have to do, haven’t done, what’s going wrong, what someone did to upset me, how much of a failure I am, how I can never get these things done, how things never change, how much of a disappointment I am and my life has been and why can’t I just get it going…..etc etc etc. I can hear in the negative way you were portraying youself in this post that you struggle with a few of the same racing, negative thoughts. Those moments are an all or nothing wrapped up together. On the outside, it looks like we’re doing nothing and it looks (and sometimes feels) lazy. But the truth is we are having an ALL moment! We are hyper focused and going a great job of…… overthinking, beating ourselves up and possibly spiraling our thoughts into a depression! With ADHD, your brain is seeking a thrill! It doesn’t care if that thrill is a rollercoaster, or negative feelings bringing you to tears. It wants it.

I have soooooo many sensitivities well. I have a lot of allergies to many things. Everyone in my family does. I’m actually currently having something called dermatograohia! I don’t even know what’s causing it. Haven’t narrowed it down yet. I also had an extremely negative experience with antidepressants when I was a teenager that completely turned me off ever trying anything like that again!!!!My older sister has been on at least 10 FAILED antidepressant therapies over the last 14 years. Guess why? CAUSE WE DONT HAVE DEPRESSION! We have ADHD. Oh my God I was terrified to try medication!! Terrified! But I did because I was drowning. It saved my life! It completely changed everything! It was unbelievable! Life altering! I was shocked at how amazing it was.

Stimulants my change your brain chemistry, but it’s temporary. They wear off very quickly. I would highly recommend trying something. You’ll know! You’ll know in 1 hour if it’s exactly what you needed! And if it’s not, or you don’t like it, you will burn it off quickly and no harm done. Or you can feel it was on the right tract but maybe it needs a different type.

The main thing the medication has given me is balance. It’s no longer always all or nothing. I don’t sit around thinking about the things I need to do anymore. I don’t sit around beating myself up! I don’t feel the need to mentally lash myself and my failings. I don’t feel the need to watch the TV, while surfing the web, with the radio on. I don’t completely hate dinner time anymore when I HAVE to decided what’s for dinner and make it. Without my brain running a million miles a minute, I suddenly had time for so much more!

I think you should try the medication. If nothing else, just to help prevent you from blaming yourself for your partners commitment issues and helping you think clearly enough to see that you’re doing an amazing job! My ADHD medication….. I don’t know how to explain it. I didn’t know I had ADHD until I was diagnosed. I thought I had some depression, anxiety, OCD and a whole lot of crazy. Hahahaha. When I took my medication, it didn’t feel like a pill for ADHD. It felt like and anti anxiety, anti depressant and anti crazy (emotional dysregulation) pill all in one! It was like an everything pill for me. Because all of my issues, an individuals issues according to the DSM-5 manual, we’re not my REAL issue. The real issue was my ADHD and the issues that I felt and that others saw were actually just ways over the years that I learned, subconsciously, to deal with my ADHD.

Keep us posted. I hope you at least try some medication because I hate to hear a post like this, knowing in my bones how REAL the struggle is, when I don’t struggle like that anymore. I don’t. And I did. For 40 years!!!!!! And don’t get me wrong, my life isn’t suddenly perfect, but it has the most balance it has EVER experienced!!! It’s not all or nothing all the time. It’s not only up or down. Top of the spectrum to bottom of the spectrum. It’s not always “the straw that broke the camels back” anymore (where the smallest thing breaks you for the day because there were so many other things that already wore you down). Now, there is a middle ground! It’s weird. It’s different. It took me time to even realize a middle ground exists. It took me time to realize I was even on a middle ground. Then it took me time to trust that I would stay around the middle ground. Occasionally the middle ground gets a little high or a little low, but it’s not like it was! Not for some second. And it’s so reliving!

I hope you can find an approach that works for you. Until then, don’t blame yourself for your partners commitment issues. (Though I know you can’t help it….. you’re brain has always found a way to blame you everything, and you believe it 😢) It doesn’t have to be that way. I’ve cried so many tears in my life…… now I barely cry! I don’t need to cry because now I can think clearly instead of being full of thoughts that aren’t even important.

I hope something here helps.

[Boo0102]

Hello NDMama! So glad you posted on here. The lovely thing about this community is that people will pick up on different aspects of your post and they will respond accordingly. Several of the responses are bang on - sleep, nutrition, self-esteem, encouragement, etc.

What I picked up on was the comment about not being quite hoarders but messy. I have used that analogy to describe my home for years! And while I’ve now been married for 23 yrs and my kids (still living st home) are 19 & 16, it’s still a daily struggle. I’ve been a “messie” all my life. But when my domain grew by adding people and their messy contributions (hubby and kiddos), it just came to be so overwhelming and stayed that way for so, so many years.

HOWEVER - I recently (in the last 4 months) have been following, reading, and most importantly doing, the advice of a blogger/author of A Slob Comes Clean. Her name is Dana K White and her “deslobification journey” has saved my housekeeping sanity and given me hope for my home. Seriously, it’s the first time that I’ve listened to someone who faced the same problems as I do with being overwhelmed by the state of her home and that no matter how much I worked, it never seemed to get any better.

I just can’t recommend her enough. She blogs at aslobcomesclean.com and is so relatable. She often mentions that her followers have diagnosed her as ADHD, but she has never been officially diagnosed.

I started by following her advice to read her blog from the beginning. I did that for awhile, then ordered her first book How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind. Then I followed her advice in the book - which is really just what she started doing for herself. I can’t describe how great it was to feel like I actually could do something and that I wasn’t crazy/lazy. You don’t have to read the book, you can get what you need from her blog, but I just wanted the more direct/condensed version. There are also podcasts and she posts some on YouTube, but I found reading her blog and the book to be most helpful to begin with.

She talks about never understanding how some people could keep their homes neat and tidy. Check. How if she worked crazy hard and her home was “clean” that she wasn’t able to keep it that way. Check. Not inviting people over/in due to the state of her home. Check. Realizing that this is not a trick to fix it once and for all, but that this will be a lifelong struggle. Check.

Anyway, I just wanted to share what for me has been a glimmer of hope to transform my efforts into keeping a more tidier home. For the first time. In over 3 decades of having a home.

It’s a terrible feeling to realize that our homes and the state of them are causing stress for everyone, most of all you. And the fact that like it or not, our identities as women are often tied into our homes - just like the identities of men are tied into their jobs as providers. Whether or not you have a career or otherwise. (I’ll probably get a lot of flak for those comments.)

So, I’ll just leave you with the first piece/step of advice that she gives which is to “do the dishes”. Huh? Yeh. It’s surprisingly simple, but something that once I started made me giddy with hope that I could actually start having a not just less messy, but actually tidy home.

Please know that you are not alone in your struggles!! And thanks for reaching out.

[IgnoranceWasNotBliss in reply to Boo0102]

OMG that’s so funny. I was really into your post until it said “do the dishes”! Hahahahah. My head was just like Aghhhh!! Gosh darn dishes! I hate you so much 😂 I would rather do ANYTHING but the dishes. I would rather scrub my toilet with a toothbrush!

You’re right, it is interesting what different people pickup on. My older sister, also ADHD though she hasn’t quiet completely accepted that yet, she has struggled with hoarding like messiness for YEARS!!!! But hoarding, like anxiety and depression and OCD is actually also a comorbidity of ADHD!! So the pod cast listeners may very well be right, she may have ADHD.

I’m glad to hear you found someone to relate to and someone to help give you the boost you need to get motivated!

[Khyson2019]

Thank you for sharing NDMama based all most of the replies you can see that maintaining a home is difficult for a lot of people with ADHD. I can remember having a messy closet, desk and backpack as a kid so being disorganized is not just because I'm a mom now. You have received very encouraging replies to taking care of you, eat healthy exercise and enjoy this precious time with your small children because believe me it goes fast. I would like to offer some practical tips that have helped me a little.

1. Throw away as much as possible, it's typically not a cleaning problem, we get overwhelmed by all the Stuff and it makes us feel like it's impossible to get started.

2. Limit the amount of toys and clothes you buy for your child, kids don't need stuff they want your attention, to sing, to read and run in the yard having fun creating memories.

3. If you can afford it hire a house keeper, even if it's just for an hour once a month, sometimes it's easier for us to get things done when we have help.

4. Pick 3 things you will do everyday that will make the biggest impact on your home. For me it's make my bed, one load of laundry and clean the kitchen.

5. I know I might receive hate for suggesting this but, I also try to use paper plates and cups on those days that I don't have the motivation to clean.

6. Teach your children to clean up behind them selves, they will thank you when they become adults and have to manage their own homes.

7. I typically put on my headphones with music or podcasts from YouTube while I'm cleaning it makes it feel a little less boring.

8. Donate to a goodwill, church or shelter. It's hard for me to throw things away but if I know it's helping someone in need it's a lot easier for me to give.

9. Go on a 30day challenge to stick to a budget, impulse shopping leads to a messy house. You can use the money saved to take your family someplace special.

10. You are doing this because you deserve to live in peace and joy. You are deserving ❤

[IgnoranceWasNotBliss in reply to Khyson2019]

Wow! This is all AMAZING advice! You hit a lot of things on the head with this list! Especially the getting rid of things! We are best as minimalists! 100%. I have moved a lot in my life and about 10 years ago I realized that instead of throwing EVERYTHING in boxes, if I throw or donate ANYTHING I haven’t touched in 3-6 months or I don’t NEED on a daily basis, my life became magically easier! This came to be when one of my moves required me to pay per pound to ship my stuff across the country. Suddenly, things became expensive. Do I really want to PAY to have this item shipped when I haven’t used it in 2 years? It was HARD! The struggle at the time was real. But when I got to where I was going and I packed, it was so fast! My house was clean! Things were organized!I had room for my pots and pans and clothes and nick knacks were gone. It was transforming and I’ve had no problem parting with things since. I welcome it. Most of your advice here was amazing! I’ve adopted most of them throughout the years, unfortunately, with all things ADHD it was always hard to stick with them.

I will also add that, for me personally, this list could have helped before I had my son. But after I had my son, for me personally, there was nothing that could have helped but medication! I, personally, was so FRIED from taking care of my son that my processing capability was almost none existent! I would struggling just to get sentences out most of the time. I was wondering around the house constantly completely forgetting what I was doing or even what room I was just in! I thought I had MS or dementia. Not a joke either. How bad my ADHD was at that moment (for over 2 years) made me completely incapable of helping myself. Self care, nope! Even the thought of self care was just another stressor cause there was no way it was happening. Getting myself help, nope!I couldn’t even do that. I had to have my husband contact all the dr’s, do all insurance stuff and make all appointments. I didn’t gain the ability to help myself until I tried medication.

I only add this in case OP reads all the advice on eating well and sleep (which is so true) but can’t do it and just stresses out more realizing she struggles with self care (as a lot of ADHD’ers do) and that it’s ok if you need medication. Some of us do and some of us don’t, but for me, medication was able to get me started! Medication was the only thing that could have helped me read this post, with great advice, and actually think that I maybe able to do it.

Again, GREAT list! This is seriously such good advice!

[psalmonethirtynine]

Hi NDMama, First of all I'm so sorry that you are going through that right now. I want to tell you that you are precious exactly as you are. ADHD is something that can make some areas of our lives struggles. But it also comes with amazing trade offs. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If we focus on the weakness it can be discouraging. But if we focus on the strengths it reminds us of our unique contribution to the world. It's not an "excuse" to say that we have weaknesses, its an opportunity for radical acceptance of ourselves. And an opportunity it for us to recognize when we need to reach out for help. This help can be someone to teach us skills that we are naturally lacking or to give us encouragement when we are down on ourselves. You are truly an overcomer. And seriously every mother of a 1 yr old is a hero.

[99cents]

I'm in my 40s, man, I've been married 8 years. 3 young kids. Recently diagnosed with ADHD.

I'll tell you what my counselor told me. ADHD is a reason but not excuse. It's my responsibility to learn coping strategies. When I make a mistake I need to own it I'm plan strategies to do better. Knowing how ADHD affects me can help me come up with better strategies. And helps my wife to be on board with those strategies if she understands how ADHD affects me. It would definitely help the marriage to have mutual understanding of how ADHD affects the marriage. ADHD will always be a struggle but I can learn better coping strategies.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is important. It has been helping me a ton. Counseling has helped a ton. But it's a long process. Things can still be rocky. my wife and I read a book about ADHD and relationships, and now, she is typically more understanding. But when we're both tired or stressed we fall back into our established habits.

Another thing my counselor told me, is that if a medicine makes you feel like you are not yourself, then you are overmedicated. Medication should help you feel like the fog is lifting and you can use your coping strategies more easily. Moreover, it should be just right so that your spouse notices a bigger difference than you do. At least that's what my counselor told me. The right dosage of medicine typically helps you to be your better self and not feel like a different person.

All that said, I am a father of three and my wife has most of the burden of being a stay-at-home mom. So I can't really speak to the mothering side of it as clearly. I love the other comments addressing that side of things. We have definitely had our arguments where she told me I didn't care, implied I was lazy, and told me that I wasn't doing my part. This is very common in relationships where one partner has ADHD.

I echo what someone else said in another comment, the decision to try medication isn't permanent. And you can try a number of medications and doses to figure out one that works right for you.

Your description of your partner interactions and the fights you have is very very typical with ADHD relationships. There are books, blogs, and YouTube videos about it. Has actually a very common pursuit-withdraw cycle exacerbated by ADHD. I strongly encourage you to go read up on it. It helps if just one partner understands and can break the cycle. But it helps even more when both are doing their part to break that cycle.