Feeling stuck

[STEM_Dad]

My car has been limping along for a long while now. I knew it was about to go, the question was how it would die.

For months, I have known that I need to apply for a car loan, so I could get a replacement.

Last thursday, heading home from work, I hit a deer. It came out of nowhere, from the other side of the highway, already running full speed. I saw it an instant before the impact. The deer got killed, and so did my car, with the front end half mangled and the radiator busted.

Good evening, I felt like I was released from indecision paralysis, and I could finally get a new car.

Then Friday came, and I felt to distracted while working from home to do anything about a car loan.

Over the weekend, while spending time with my kids, and someone who is practically a stranger giving us a ride to a Cub Scout event and back, I had lots of time to formulate a plan.

I have a plan, it's an okay plan, just the most straightforward thing I could come up with.

This morning, I'm struggling. I know what the plan is. I'm having trouble getting started, because I not that I have really bad credit, and I'm worried because I don't have a backup plan in case I get turned down for a loan.

I don't feel like I really need advice or encouragement. I feel like I just needed to talk to someone about the struggle, the uncertainty and internal resistance I'm feeling right now.

I'm sure that many of you here can relate because of something that you've gone through.

Well, maybe I am hoping for some encouragement, because I keep coming here because I see other people need encouragement from me.

My new plan this moment is to get up out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and start getting ready for the day.

I'll work remotely for a bit, use some personal leave time to rent a car, apply for a loan, and (if approved) go see a car that I saw listed online that would meet my needs and most of what I want.

I'm getting up now, so I can get started...

[ADDandMe]

Hey Stem Dad,

You’ve certainly been a huge support to many of us here. You share a lot of solid insights and valuable advice which I know has been of comfort to me. And I always enjoy reading your thoughts and informed perspectives on all topics.

Today I too am stuck. It’s an awfully unsettling feeling to be so adrift when we are usually well anchored.

I have some financial responsibilities that I’ve been trying to get on top of. I have managed to improve my credit rating - though I’m offered quite poor rates and generally only have one option. So I do understand that ‘fear’ or rejection when it comes to new financial commitment. I tend to live slightly beyond my means - but definitely much better than when I was drinking 3 years ago.

Will you get some insurance for your car to help towards the new purchase? I’m glad you were able to post to move yourself a few steps forward.

[STEM_Dad in reply to ADDandMe]

Thanks. I appreciate your response.

The "ADHD Tax" is sometimes a hefty one.

I had only liability insurance, no comprehensive insurance on my car. So, the only help I got from my insurance company was that they covered the towing service.

• (It was a salvage car that was given to me for free, when a previous car of mine broke down and I couldn't afford a replacement at the time. I should have replaced it months ago!)

A coworker told me that she has hit deer 13 times over the years, but not once since she got a device for her car called a "deer whistle". So, I'll be buying one of those to put on my next car... And I'll also be upgrading from liability-only car insurance.

Lessons learned!

[PinkPanda23]

I sure hope that you get at least the amount of encouragement that you so generously give to the rest of us!

I went through a "starting from scratch" period after my divorce in my early 30s. This fortunately included getting sober at 35 and finding a supportive community in which to make a lot of changes and do a lot of healing. But the financial constraints were very, very tight, and I didn't know I had ADHD back then. I thought it was brain damage from 17 years of heavy drinking...

Brains like ours do make turning decisions into actions difficult. What seems impulsive to those around me when I finally do something was probably thought about for months or years! I have purchased three cars this way, by thinking about them, researching them, and then one day getting up and buying them "out of the blue."

I would say that now you have been pushed into acting on your thoughts. I fully expect by the end of this week you'll be telling us about your experience purchasing your next car, and how proud you feel to have done all the things required! Putting your intention out here will be another nudge into action when you find yourself wanting to procrastinate a bit more. At least, for me it would be. I like to follow through once I make a commitment, and you sound as though you do, as well. I'm pulling for you and confident that you will tackle this now that you're in the thick of it!😀

[AuDHD3245]

Get a bike. Do something different, push the boundaries, start running, walking, biking. The car was the end of that chapter. Time to turn the page and start a new one 👍

You can only walk in the right direction if you know where you're going, and to do that you need something to look forward to. Make it exciting, make it brand new, make it make you smile.

[STEM_Dad in reply to AuDHD3245]

Unfortunately, a bike won't do, for various reasons:• Work commute is about 25 miles each way

• I have to pick up my kids from their mom's house, also about almost 25 miles from my home

• Winter road conditions here would be unsafe on a bicycle (much snow and ice... I'm within 100 miles of Lake Erie, and we get some of the "Lake Effect", meaning more precipitation, and colder weather in the winter)

A car is an absolute must, given my present life circumstances.

[Greenbeeps]

Hi STEM_Dad

So…the horrible incident took the decision out of your hands…so keep letting it…otherwise you’d still be driving around in that car thinking about it!

I once read a brilliant article by a woman who’s mum had been depressed and she’d find her in bed when she came home from school… to combat her own depression she would tell herself to ‘be depressed standing up’ like you said in your post. What a difference it makes. Do you take medication too in order to get your brain working?

Your anxiety has hijacked you again and you’ve gone into procrastination and avoidance mode…..who the heck wants to hire a car long term 😃

What will help remove the anxiety?

On the day of my 4th driving test I was laying in the bath (my go to when im highly anxious) sobbing that I’d fail again and focusing on all the roundabouts I’d failed on!..when I remembered a trick a colleague had told me about the day before…she’d put a piece of paper in her waistband…the trick being that the scratchiness would take her focus from her anxiety!

I leapt out of the bath, thinking, ‘I’ll do one better than that’ got dressed and shoved a photo of my boys down one side of my waistband and a photo of my husband down the other!!!

The anxiety left me I was laughing to myself so much!!

I passed and it was because I removed the anxiety.

So, play some games…like the other person said…get your kids involved…make it all fun!!

Well done for getting up, now get choosing the colour of that car!! 😂🌟🤘❤️

[STEM_Dad in reply to Greenbeeps]

Thank you. I needed a little perspective.

I'd never heard of that sensory trick with paper in the waistband. I'll bet it does similarly to the CBT technique that I learned (but haven't been practicing enough), the 5-4-3-2-1 technique.

* To get "out of your head" and focused on the world around you, you name:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can hear

• 3 things you can touch

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

Between that and breath awareness (like "Box Breathing"), plus therapy, I got through the worst of times when my marriage was falling apart.

[Greenbeeps in reply to STEM_Dad]

Box breathing is so powerful…and the grounding techniques…great you found them so useful ❤️

[Mimmy12]

Oof. Adulting is not fun. And I get the the fear of your efforts not being fruitful can make things harder to do. Something that has helped me is to type up the list of all the steps that need to be taken and make each step in a different color. When you sit down to go through the list you might realize each step has its own sub sets. Add the subsets to the list in the corresponding color. Cross out each step as you go. Good luck!

[Ampersand1]

By this point in the day, I really hope you're feeling okay and know you have a big community of supporters cheering for you!

I recently found myself in a car accident and the search to find something practical and within budget. Even though I'm sure emotional encouragement is helpful, I wanted to suggest what I ended up doing which almost anyone will tell you is financially irresponsible. But if you travel known distances each day and most weekends, and you could greatly benefit from a car with maintenance and reliability and safety and stuff being handled for you, with the way interest rates are right now for buying even used cars, you may want to consider leasing a car instead.

There are many pros and cons here obviously and I'm not car sales genius, but I am good at making my own spreadsheets and analyzing my choices for months (or years) at a time before I make purchases. I found this website called leasehackr which had a helpful calculator tool on it and you can compare deals other people got on vehicles in your area and sometimes even call the dealer up and get the same deal for yourself. Also, dealerships are more lenient on credit sometimes than asking Chase or wells Fargo or any other standard bank for a new/used car loan.

A lease is a loan on the depreciation your car experiences in its first few years after being driven off the lot. That number is usually pretty small but with higher interest, but in the current economy, I can't help but think it's the right option for many with ADHD.

Again, I'm no finance or car person, just someone you likes spreadsheets and data and formulas way more than I have any reason to do so.

[SierraHomesick]

It looks like this is a bit of an older post, so I hope everything worked out, and if it hasn’t yet, then I’m sure it will in time—hopefully a very short time.

Thank you for all of your insight and advice since I’ve joined.