Last week, a big issue came up at work, and it really stressed me out. This was just the latest in a series of stressful issues that have come with this job, and it made me realize that if I keep going like this, it will be really bad for my long-term health. It has already been bad for my mental health for months...and I've only worked in this job for a little over a year.
I think I now understand why the last guy left.
A part of me isn't done with the place I am now, because I always like to leave a workplace better off than when I came in. But I've got to admit that with the sheer amount challenges that I'm facing here, another part of me just wants to get away from here.
~~~~~
So, I decided to start looking at other jobs...and right away, I saw as good as opportunity as I could dream of. It's a job that's one step up from what was my favorite job in my career thus far.
The only problem is, I'm fighting against my anxiety and trying to psych myself up so that I can actually apply for it.
I had all weekend to do so, and didn't. I kept feeling like I needed to distract myself.
So, before I left for work this morning, I opened the folder with my most recent copy of my resume and selected the file, so I can update it this evening. That ought to help me get started a little easier. (I also left the website that the job is posted on open.)
It certainly would be refreshing to work with customers more, and failing tech less.
~~~~~
{No response needed. I just felt like I had to get that all out, and this is a safe place to do so.}
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STEM_Dad
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"Energy vampire" sums it up nicely. It's not toxic, but it sucks all my energy and drains all my executive functioning capacity so that there's nothing left by the end of the work day.
I've done things before that left me tired, but that it was a "good tired"...it felt rewarding, built up my self-esteem and resilience. This job is depleting everything I've got. It takes and takes, and mainly just gives me a paycheck in return. (I have some small wins every now and again, but the satisfaction from them is quickly overwhelmed by the next thing.)
My first IT job, and a couple of jobs I had earlier in my career, were certainly challenging and could leave me tired, but it was a "good tired". I felt satisfied and personally rewarded by my efforts on those roles. I felt like I was making a difference to someone.
Right now, a lot of the time I feel like I'm just a robot, expected to do complex tasks without reward and with very minimal interaction with the humans I'm doing the work for.
You can do this! You're a smart , empathetic guy who gives it all. They will be lucky to have you! Think of it as an adventure (which it is)! Let us know how it goes.
Well, I got my resume updated, and started working on a cover letter. I want to get my application for the job I most want submitted tomorrow. Then, I'll start on another one.
Hello STEM_Dad,Congratulations on updating your resume, one thing to cross off the list. I'm excited to hear how it goes.
You deserve to love what you do. Seriously, it may sound pie in the sky, but why? Why is it selfish or egotistical or, or, to want what you want? Or to believe you deserve and go after the best? It makes no sense.
When you're happy everyone you meet gets some of that happy. Make the world a happier place. Go for it, don't settle, you deserve the best.
Well, the way my mind works, I feel guilty if I use my work laptop or even just with my personal cell phone on the company wi-fi to do anything to apply for other jobs. (I might feel differently if the company had a public wi-fi.)
I automatically hold myself to a higher ethical standard than I expect of anyone else.
(It's both by my personal choice, and also compulsive. {I think I have an OCD-like condition known as "scrupulosity", as yet another comorbidity. I'm incapable of telling a lie, and couldn't even give myself permission to cuss until my marriage was failing.})
• I am able to let myself look over my resume. That's good, because on my lunch break today, I want to add back this little bit that I removed (which my clever brain this morning started calling my career "TLC").
•12 years Tech Support experience
• 15 years Leadership experience
• 25 years Customer Service experience
(Wow, with those numbers, I think I look overqualified for the position I'm applying for as a help desk coordinator.)
(This was a response to a suggestion to get to applying for jobs right after work. I know that with ADHD, that's a good strategy...but also with ADHD come overthinking, perfectionism, and other stuff, like I explained above. - It really was a great suggestion. I just know that my brain has an extra limiter when it comes to certain things.)
YOU'VE GOT THIS!!! Just remember - even if that potential job does reach out to you, it doesn't mean you HAVE to take it. So if you apply and make it to the interview process, keep in mind that you do have the option to say 'no, thank you'.
Applying is harmless and you absolutely never know where this might lead you. Apply - you're not stuck accepting the position if you don't feel right about it. Plus, you're coming from a position of strength - you don't "need" the job, you already have one. Keeping that in mind helps me
That's the advice my husband gave me when I went to apply to be a flight attendant. I was nervous as all get out, but realizing that I wouldn't be in any worse of a position if they turned me down helped reduce my anxiety around it.
Yeah, I know that in reality, the interview process is two ways. The employer evaluates the candidate, and the candidate evaluates the employer.
Where I'm working now, I found out that there's a job that's going to be reposted because both the top candidate and the runner up turned down the position. (I'm not interested in the position... I would be interested in knowing why the candidates turned it down, but that's really none of my business. This company I'm at now has a lot of good people, and a lot of people just here for a paycheck. Not the best place I've worked, but not the worst either.)
I absolutely understand that. I stayed at most of the places I did because there WERE good people there, and they were enjoyable to know and work with. Plus, there's a lot to be said for being comfortable where you're at.
There's the rub... I'm comfortable with most of the people, but I'm not comfortable with the stress level.
I got very comfortable at a few previous jobs, and didn't want to leave them, but ultimately left for important reasons (like family or opportunity to improve my life in some meaningful way).
That struggle is real. I honestly didn't think I would ever love a job again until I got angry enough about a brutally unfair review and an absolutely insulting "raise" to start my own business (still took me a year to do it). It's definitely it's own brand of difficulty, but it's something I believe in and that helps drive me.
I realize not everyone is in the position to start their own business, but I definitely want to encourage you that better IS out there if you're unhappy. Stress will drive us to an early grave, and I no longer have the tolerance to let a company that doesn't give a rat's behind about me profit at the expense of my emotional health. Life is too short for that. It was a lesson I learned the hard way, through losing my 25-year old son to suicide. I walked away from that experience with a new understanding that we're not promised tomorrow, so grab hold of today with both hands and make the absolute most of it (among MANY other lessons). Through all that, I just lost my ability to just show up, put in my time, and go home...all from a job that made me sick to my stomach every day.
As and executive assistant, you're often treated as either the glue holding everything together, or by some - as "just" a secretary (never mind that most positions require a BA) - so I've gone through periods where I felt more like a burden than an asset. I've had a couple really good executives that I supported, but at the end of the day, I was always disposable - ultimately. I just personally desperately needed to invest my time into something I believed in and that gave me purpose.
I truly and sincerely hope that somehow - through a new job or just some kind of change - you find your place where you are happy and thriving!
Wow! You've got a powerful story.My ex and I endured multiple miscarriages, and those were hard, but I can only imagine what it must be like to lose a child you've raised, held in your arms, watched grow up.
The way you felt treated as a secretary is similar to how I've felt in some of my roles, but one manager in particular rubbed in that I was "just a technician". (My only vindication was that I outlasted him at that employer by a year.)
Oh boy, my hackles really go up when anyone is labeled as "just" anything. People "just" wouldn't be able to function without roles like a technician or EA. The concept of diminishing someone's role, in spite of that role being vital, is such an archaic mindset. Just like people bash on those who work in the fast food industry as not being educated or whatever, but the person doing the bashing would NEVER work in the fast food industry, but boy howdy would they be pissed if there wasn't anyone at that drive-through window.
I've never experienced a miscarriage, but I've seen the devastation that causes and I am so very sorry you and your ex went through that. Losing my son was the single hardest thing I've ever gone through, and no one should have to feel the pain of losing a child - regardless of how it came about. I know it wasn't necessarily recent, but sending hugs!
Have you thought about reapplying to some of your past jobs, if you’re still in the area? Also, I understand too well about being disrespected and disposable. I mean, being a teacher? Most of the people in the United States think we are glorified baby sitters. And my last job I was a teachers aid, not even the district respected my opinion. I hate having to leave good places to find out my new place sucks.
Luckily I kept looking for work when I started the job in October thinking “I could always use the interview practice”. Besides, the teacher had less experience than me and no teaching certificate , which kind of urged me to apply to jobs that required teaching certifications. Lo and behold I was offered a job 3 months later, and started my first special Ed teaching job, and my supervisor liked me in the interview so much she told my co teacher that they were excited for me to join the team on multiple occasions. My coworkers respect my experience and work with me in learning the details of the job.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there’s nothing wrong with always keeping an open door with looking for work constantly until you find a place you are loving and wanting to stay. I try to keep my resume up to date always, and will be keeping my eyes open for other great fit positions unless I am all done looking (which I will update it in the next few months just in case 😉). I used to hate interviews, but the anxiety lowered immensely with this viewpoint.
Thanks for sharing some more about your new position, and how you got it.
I'll tell you what part of the population that I can guarantee respects teachers, me and my kids! It's their first year in public school, and they love their teachers 😁
I can't reapply for any of my old IT jobs (which were all onsite, besides one that was hybrid during the pandemic), because I'm too far away. I moved across the country a year and a half ago.
(Co-parenting works so much easier if the parents aren't living near opposite coasts. After the divorce, my kids moved with their mom to the northeast. We came from the northwest.)
Thank you so much for your insight! I always appreciate your responses. I am so grateful that you and your kids are part of the few that really do appreciate educators.
I totally get not being able to reapply. That’s the same with most of my old jobs that really worked.
In a way we have always parallel parented rather than truly coparented. We tried living 10 mins down the road in vain and found a much bigger place 30 mins away for $300 less. We learned that the court order of 3 weekends a month and half time when schools not in session was too much mental transition for my bonus kid since mom and us parent so differently. We have had a much better relationship with the kiddo since we have only had larger chunks of time, and that part of coparenting has worked of run since biomom has been wanting to push us out of the kids life. It did work when we were an hour away and had 1/2 time during breaks, but now that I’m 2k miles away, we have only had the kid over most of summer. I’m making more money now though, so next winter, I may be able to offer Christmas or spring break. Also my partner will be visiting out there sometimes, and maybe the whole family since we have been out their 20 years.
I just wanted to make the statement that I stand behind teachers as being one of THE most valuable people in the lives of our children. For the love of all that's holy, why why would we not treat teachers as the vital and massively important influences on the lives of our children that they are??? My sister was a teacher (she works for me now) and what I've learned about all that teachers experience (the unrealistic expectations, the lack of any true authority in the classroom, forced to use their own funds, etc.) just makes me sick. Why would we not fully equip them to work with our children, if we want our children to truly learn and grow? I was that mom who tried to show support by providing supplies or a gift card for supplies, any time I could - and I didn't expect them to "parent" my children, much less with their hands tied behind their backs. I respected their authority, knowing they spent almost as much time with my children as I did each day.
I admire and respect that you've chosen to walk that road - and thank you for all you do.
I think since the day I saw that job posting, I've had a line from Kirk to Picard from "Star Trek: Generations" going through my head:"Don't let them promote you. Don't let them transfer you. Don't let them do *anything* that takes you off the bridge of that ship, because while you're there... you can make a difference."
And that's how I feel about this position I'm applying for, how I've felt since I let them transfer me out of the role where I felt that I made a real difference.
I forgot how time consuming the job application process is. I got to bed at 2:00am last night, and I still wasn't done filling out the application. (To save myself a lot of time, I used ChatGPT to help me write the cover letter. I had to make a lot of edits, but it took a fraction of the time that it normally takes me. If only there was an AI assistant that can help me fill in all the fields from my work history and education. I've already got all that on my resume, and have to re-enter it all with more details in the application.)
Honestly, I use the same cover letter and just adjust it some for the type of job I am using. I have 3-5 bullet points for my strengths, and I usually use words for the type of candidate they are looking for that I fit well with. We’re you able to finish the application process by chance?
Try to go for it. I think the knowledge that we have ADHD can help guide us to find positions that are better suited to who we are and what we can do well.
It's so scary!That fear of disappointing new bosses and disappointing ourselves - but now, you know how to protect your boundaries and look for what you need. As you interview and go forward, try to understand how this position can work for you.
A new beginning could be a great thing, now that you know you have ADHD. That is my philosophy now
It was after my fifth attempt to earn a bachelor's degree, and running far too short on credits to graduate, but running out of financial aid. (On top of that, I'd been married 10 years then, and it looked as though the marriage was failing.)
The good break that I got was being hired as a lead tech support representative at a computer help desk.
It wasn't easy at first. It seemed so daunting to me to learn all that I needed to know in just a few weeks before the school year started...on my second day at work, I questioned if I could even do the job.
By the end of the first couple of months, I'd finally started gaining confidence. It helped that I was part of a good, supportive team, and the manger was the best mentor I've ever had in my whole career.
After six years, upper management decided to change things up with a reorganization. (Long story short, it didn't go well for me. Instead of putting me in charge of the team and service that I spent years building and mentoring, I was put into one poorly planned role after another, most of that time under a boss who was a really bad fit for me, and me for him. Three years later, I was on the brink of a total nervous breakdown.)
I knew what I was good at and passionate about, but in didn't step up and lobby to get the job I'd had and wanted so much, and the result has been years of struggle. I've built up my tech skills working in various roles, but my mental health has suffered by being in one strenuous position after another. (So many employers don't invest in their employees anymore...not in training, not in good management models, and certainly not in pay rates.)
~~~~~
It's been nearly 7 full years since I was taken out of my "Captain's chair"* where I felt like I was making a real difference. I'm wholeheartedly ready to go back into that role, or one like it.
*[See Kirk-Picard reference, above.]
I'll be finishing my application tonight. Then looking for the next-best thing to apply for, because I know I can't hang all my hopes on the one position... I've got to be idealistic enough to put in for it first, but realistic enough to know what I might not get it.
Thanks to all of you who have been so encouraging!
Hi STEM_Dad, I just read through all this and got to the bottom and had several thoughts I wanted to share.1st thought "By Toutatis!! This is ME!"
In comfort zone, job not "bad" but definately not playing to my "ups" or MY needs for the best wellbeing and fullfillment. Always looking at jobs, never applying for 1 reason or other (anxiety/procrastination/ OOH! SHINEY THING! Whatever😵💫)
2nd thought "Another 50% single Dad with ADHD!! I am not alone!"
I moved out 6 months ago, but fortunately I am still within walking distance so get the kids 50% of the week for school, kids parties (🙄 they have a better social at 5 and 7 than I had at college!!) Etc.
3rd thought " I used to be in a job where I realy felt the difference I was trying to make, my current job is ..."different"...🤔"
I dont know about you, but I took a new job for my kids and to support my then wife when they were very small and she was struggling alot. Now I have the kids on a "rota" basis, I need to get back to finding some purpose outside being their dad (which is still the no.1 motivation I have to exist at all, in a good way. No matter how hard I am on myself, mistakes made, opportunities missed, pain caused through "just being me", I spent a Lifetime trying "deal" with myself and the world without knowing why it was so damn hard and everyone else seemed to just "get on with it". Thats alot of books read, alot of mistakes made, some even learned from and all stuff I can give to my kids, so they dont have to go looking!)
It hasnt been plain sailing, relationship breakdown never is, but I am at last feeling like I am getting back closer to "who I am" and doing better each day at learning to be a the Dad I want to be. Now Injust need to know "what I want?!"
The last thought I had was "accountability"
I know if I post stuff "out there" it means someone else might just ask "so, howd that go for you? You get it done?" And if I didnt, just because of my ADHD struggles, then I know I need to work harder on the problem, forgive myself and try again, and Get It Done.
So I was going to straight up call you out and say "Did you apply? Coz it sounds like you can, you should and you will feel great after you do, regardless of whether you get the job, so I think you should 👍🧐"
When I got to the bottom and saw you already did, I decided I need to start taking a whole lot more of my own advice!! Its awsome that you did it!! Your beating the odds, because they are stacked against us! 🫵🤟
So heres me taking my own advice and inspired by your actions, thankyou (I think🤔😱)
•I have to phone/visit my prescriber (AGAIN!) to try and get my "repeat" (but not at the moment?¿🤬Dont get me started) filled.
•I have a pile of Marking to get done, which the usual "boredom/procrastination/distraction/indecision/anxiety/self belief" cycle has made excruciating.
•I have to tidy my house and clean, its been "on the edge of organised" since I moved in, then the kids come over, I get exhausted, I go to work and start to recover, I manage one small thing, then the kids come over, I get exhausted.....you can see how this goes!😵💫 (its exhausting!😶)
There we go, its out there......Now Ive got to do it (Godangit! Why would I do that!?😡)
Good luck with the job interview, I hope you smash it!! And thankyoubfor being an inspiration, If I achieve 1 of the above, it will be a win today!
Thanks for all your feedback. I'm glad that you got inspired by this.
At this point, it ought to be "good luck on getting an interview". I only got the application submitted the night before last. The job is at a state college, and I know that what is typical procedure is: the application & related documentation go through an Applicant Tracking System (ATS), if they don't get filtered out then they will be reviewed by someone from HR, then they will be available for the hiring manager to review.
• The job posting went up in December, and it is "Open until filled". The fact that it went up more than a month before I saw it means that they might be well into the applicant weed out and interview process. The fact that there's no closing date means that it might be open for months to come, or might close today. - The fact that it's a public college means that they have additional red tape to get through.
So, I'm not expecting an interview right away. (Hoping for it...but not expecting it.)
Update- Achieved 1.5 of goals, partly due to "Boiler not working with Ice outside" distraction (a worthy sidestep at least, and also resolved 👍) . Upside-
• I now know how a heating pump works
• I now know common boiler errors and how to troubleshoot them
• I am "optomistic" (ahem) that my co-prescriber might actually do their part, without further challenging myself or my agreed careplan (meh! 😵💫 They know how to make life hard!)
• I am closer to an organised space to live in (enter-Kids, chaos, exhaustion, regression of progress, but hopefully less than the progress made 👍)
Downside-
•I still have alot of "Job" work to do, but I have a much clearer understanding of how to get it done.
Overall, not bad, thankyou STEM_Dad!
As to "getting an interview" sounds like you are already "over qualified" so algorithmic triage should put you on top and the fact it hasnt closed yet tells me that they havent had suitable candidates, as if they had, they would have closed the job. Recruitment is extremely costly in time and money, I think you are in with a chance 👍👍
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