I'm stupid and I hate myself

[Tormented555]

That's my mantra. Here I am, back in the same boat, because - I'm stupid and I hate myself. I have a car and I just keep the key in the ignition, because I can't lock it anyway, so.. that works, and keeps me from constantly losing it, until one day I forgot and took it into the house because - I'm stupid and I hate myself. Then, I let it sit on the coffee table in the living room for a while, as I ride my motorcycle instead over the next few days, and I figure as long as I don't move it, it will stay there and I can put it back whenever I need it, so.. rather than put it back immediately, I leave it there, because - I'm stupid and I hate myself. Then, I go to work (on my motorcycle), and after work I come home to find my girlfriend's kids have been cleaning and rearranging the whole house so it now looks like a war zone (another one of my problems - dealing with people who aren't exactly prioritizing my peace of mind, one could say) and no one knows where my key is. My mechanic finally came over to fix the AC on the car last night, but he couldn't get too far because I had no key, because - I'm stupid and I hate myself. This is one incident among many - it just repeats over and over in my life. I lead a far more difficult life than anyone around me, I end up having problems they never dream of, repeatedly, ad nauseam. Why? Well, you know the answer by now. Nothing works, and here I am again. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't know what else to do

[LisethHIS]

Good day, Tormented555,

Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center. I would suggest not being too hard on yourself; it's important to give yourself some grace. Some days flow easily, while others can present more challenges. Have you considered joining a support group? Another idea might be using an AirTag as a keychain for your keys, which could help keep track of them more easily. Here are some articles that can be helpful, chadd.org/attention-article... chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-ne... if you are interested also in joining a support group, chadd.org/affiliate-locator/ you are welcome to join any group since many are virtually.

If there is anything else you need, please let me know.

Best regards,

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD

chadd.org

[Tormented555 in reply to LisethHIS]

What if no days flow easily, and it's one problem, frustration, aggravation, mishap, etc, after another? You work on one area of life, the other goes to hell, and it all steadily just gets worse as the brain deteriorates with age ? What then?

[MadamGeneva in reply to Tormented555]

From what you described it sounded like you had nothing to do with the misplacement of your keys. Your mantra has become so engrained that you are taking the hit even when others cause you to lose things. I would challenge you to make a new mantra that encapsulates more of a 'c'est la vie' attitude. Yes, our brains can pull a fast one on us, I used to get very upset in particular about losing things. (Imagine hiding family heirloom jewels to 'keep them safe' and then forgetting where that place is👀), but reframing and being easier on myself has given me a far better existence.

Yes, I have a knack for losing things, but I am super creative, I can hyperfocus and I have bags of enthusiasm. I can tap into those attributes to create organisational systems to help me in the future, if I want!

We spend so many years of our lives being told we are 'lazy', 'stupid', or 'uncaring' by others, it's so important we reserve kinder words for ourselves.

And losing a few things and making a few careless mistakes hardly matter in the grand scheme of things.

I bet you have tons of amazing attributes that outshine the less desirable ones.

I feel your frustration and pain, trust me I do. But I do hope you can find a way to accept and maybe even love yourself with time.

[Creed22]

I truly feel your pain because I've lived it for 50 years. I am finally on a self-discovery to try and love myself again because I just found out ADHD was the issue and I couldn't help half the crap that I was doing and this all led to other major issues. I hear you!

What I've done, I'm working on loving myself again. Self-help and Self-love books helped me. I listen to calming frequencies from YouTube. Try to create a quite place and just sit and listen to positive music.. this all helps me.

Just knowing that this ADHD isn't my fault and that it's a brain rewiring changed my life. I totally took off the self-hatred towards myself because it was nothing I could control and you can learn to navigate through it. It can be a superpower, but we have to work at it.

I wish you the best and I'm here if you need anything. I'm a helper, I love to help others because it takes the negative energy of me and the worry off me and I am doing good for others.

When I do stuff wrong or stupid, I laugh now, and just say "whatever"... took years to get here, but it's working for me now.

Love always,

Tina

[Creed22]

I truly feel your pain because I've lived it for 50 years. I am finally on a self-discovery to try and love myself again because I just found out ADHD was the issue and I couldn't help half the crap that I was doing and this all led to other major issues. I hear you!

What I've done, I'm working on loving myself again. Self-help and Self-love books helped me. I listen to calming frequencies from YouTube. Try to create a quite place and just sit and listen to positive music.. this all helps me.

Just knowing that this ADHD isn't my fault and that it's a brain rewiring changed my life. I totally took off the self-hatred towards myself because it was nothing I could control and you can learn to navigate through it. It can be a superpower, but we have to work at it.

I wish you the best and I'm here if you need anything. I'm a helper, I love to help others because it takes the negative energy of me and the worry off me and I am doing good for others.

When I do stuff wrong or stupid, I laugh now, and just say "whatever"... took years to get here, but it's working for me now.

Love always,

Tina

[Trailblazer20]

I made several duplicates of my keys. My spouse had one on him, I had one around my neck, on my key chain, another in a key holder and attached it to the car. PS. Make sure the magnet is strong dont go cheap!!! I also put one in a pair of shoes that I didn't wear, another dangled from a lamp in the living room as a reminder. (It was a f*cked up time.) I was stressed and got frazzled really easy.I mess up more when... one, I let words and emotion get to me, two ....in a rush, three.. ... don't check myself to make sure I have everything I need before I enter and exit the house, room, car, store wherever I am and give yourself enough time to check. I give it a few more minutes versus seconds now.

I also write notes or list on the notes app and memos on a white board, I have a calendar both on my phone and on my desk. I also set reminders. And ask me how many times I have to relearn everyone's birthdays if I don't have them wrote down or on Facebook or my phone. It's embarrassing. I don't like being embarrassed.

The cool thing is the people who actually love me say... They say "that's just trailblazer " ...make small but funny cracks at my expense and carry on.

It sucks beyond belief like how in the f*ck did we get our adhd where did it come from. I often wonder why was I born. I know the real answer....two people had sex and wasn't being careful. There genes then got passed down. They were intelligent people had a touch of it themselves. But, I didn't ask to be born this way and I struggle with it more so than not.

But, I too passed it down to my kids. Do you listen to korn or Johnathan Davis. A song called What it is. ... And have a hard time forgiving myself for doing the same thing .....giving them the same burden and disposition. Had I had more information I wouldn't have done that to them!!!!!

I'm upset most days because I feel they could have done alot more for us in school to help us learn by different methods. Now you have to pay 1000's of dollars to be properly tested. On that note it could have been undocumented experiments from the war error?!?! Including drug experimentation!!! People did some wierd sh*t back in the day.... look it up yourself if you have a chance. Real documented experiments. Also watch brain games. Different take on tricking youre mind.

But, I feel ya! I cant win for losing most days. I try everyday to either improve or accept. It's a major thing that consumes my mind and I wish I could just make it stop. Because it would be one less thing taking up way to much space...

All I can tell you is to try to believe in yourself and most people will stay in your corner making life more bearable. When I believe in me... s*it gets done....and life is better...... when I dont believe in me.... it's.. Doom and Gloom. It's a hard place to be and still stay strong for other people, family and friends.

I miss living in national parks it's a little more peaceful ✌️. And it's where most of us end up!

[diamondsinthewater]

So sorry to hear you are in such an unhappy spot! I, too, can totally identify with your struggles and also beg that you don't be so hard on yourself. As my husband says when I can't find my keys ... WHO CARES? They're somewhere, and we'll find them! (Thank heavens for a supportive husband! Look for people in your life who support and don't demean you!)

I'll add one tip: Do you remember the song "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes ... Knees and Toes" from when you were a kid? I sing that song as I leave the house, but I substitute: Wallet, Glasses, Keys, and Phone ... Kindle, too!" Sounds silly, but it helps me remember what I need to take with me. (A key holder at my back door helps, too!)

Good luck, Tormented 555 ... we are all with you!

[FifthWheel]

I started timing chores that I didn't want to do. For nstance, dishes after dinner. One night when I really did not want to take the time to clean the kitchen, I asked myself "Just how long does it take?" The answer was 10 minutes. So now, when I want to put something off until tomorrow, I tell myself it's only ten minutes. Guess what? My kitchen is usually cleaned every night.

So, instead of putting something off, like your keys, tell your self that it won't take very long to put them away. And next time you'll be stress-free about where your keys are.

[FocusAndFlow]

Nope. You're not stupid. Stop hating yourself. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Now, I realize that what I am proposing in that opening seems flat out impossible right now, but you will get there. Yes, it's going to take a lot of effort on your part by learning to truly identify victim behaviour and letting it go. What will start volleying back your way will be little, seemingly insignificant victories. These details will be easily made fun of by neurotypical people around you and you will feel put down - Fine -> Don't share them. They are yours and yours alone and NO ONE gets to make you feel bad about you. Only you; that is always your prerogative and you are clearly using it copiously. I urge you in the strongest terms to stop that.

Through this process of stopping the self-flagellation and simply letting all these perceived 'failures' pass you by, yet not calling yourself names, you will learn to become very comfortable with discomfort, until the discomfort is no more. It is completely counterintuitive because we, as adult ADHDers, want to fight through this and get to a better day that never comes. Not like that anyway...

The old ways don't work anymore, even if they did at one point. To quote Yoda, you must unlearn what you have learned, quite literally, and I am being dead serious, not flippant in any way.

Let the bad pass. Let it wash over you and dissipate and learn to ignore it; let it die an unceremonious death of insignificance. Start leaning into the effort of whatever it is you're doing without caring about the result. Build on that. It will take time, but you will find yourself, after a few weeks or months, on the other side of this invisible fence that is holding you back from progress and you will grow to appreciate your inner peace, your serenity. All your efforts will be focused on growing that and safeguarding it. The better results will come, you just have to let them go completely until they start coming to you. In fact, you won't care anywhere near as much about the results as you do now, even though we all have functional lives to live. You will realize you now have a much more balanced life in terms of effort and reward where the effort is actually the majority of the reward along the way.

Again, the old ways need to become new ways. Be thankful, you are on the brink. Progress is coming. You just need to stop berating yourself and let yourself go through that door of gradual progress.

Don't sweat the small stuff, which all feels like big stuff now. It will become small, mainly as a function of you becoming bigger and more whole as a person.

Take it from a 51yo guy who knows exactly where you are because I was there 1.8 years ago and who is now on this part of the journey. I'm not done yet, believe me, but I am in a place I could not conceive of several months back -> And it continues to get better. Really?

I am astonished at how blind I was to my own potential and self-worth. I'm waving at you from this side and encouraging you, but YOU have to decide to start leaning forward center of mass on this one. No one can do it for you.

Life has not changed. All the problems are still there, and some worse than before. What has changed is my self-concept and how I see myself in the world. That has, in turn, changed the world around me. Of course, exercise, sleep, diet, supplements, the lot - it is all necessary to get 'here' and stay 'here', but the point is that what changes is you and your cognitive reserve and your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual resilience. Like I said little things become little again, and it has the added benefit of making truly big things smaller and more manageable as well. What a pleasant surprise. No more panic attacks, no more anxiety, no more depression. And no, no one has my permission to make me feel bad in any way whatsoever; not even me.

For the record, I take the lowest possible dose of Ritalin and I take very good care of myself otherwise with my regimen, nothing else. I'm just like you. I'm just a little bit up the road from where you are now and you can't see me around the bend, but I'm letting you know I'm there. I see you coming. Good. Go forward and announce your arrival. Today.

Be well. Godspeed.