Anybody else feel like this?

[Tormented555]

Anybody else feel like ADD is their biggest problem in life? I do. For consistency, persistency, ruthlessness, etc, no person, situation, institution, etc even comes close. Nothing else comes close to being the cancer to my existence that ADD does. Anybody else feel like this? Thanks

[Greenislife12]

I feel your pain.Literally takea over everything. Hate it.

[STEM_Dad]

Yes, and no.

Before my ADHD was undiagnosed, and before I considered that I might have ADHD, life was a lot harder for me. For about 30 years, I couldn't figure out why I continued to struggle with remembering things, time management and organization, being easily distracted, etc.

* I read books about productivity and memory improvement. I tried various supplements and dietary adjustments. I trained in various time management systems. I used calendars and planners, clocks and alarms, all sorts of tips & tricks, life hacks, self-help books and tapes... anything I thought would help.

So, yes, my previously-undiagosed ADHD was certainly the biggest hurdle to everything in life. It caused me much distress, made me doubt myself, my intentions, and my capabilities. It made me wonder if I really was lazy, undisciplined, and uncommitted.

-----

NOW, I do much better, thanks to ADHD medication and education.

• I still have trouble with time management and organization, but "pills don't teach skills", and I'm more able to learn new things than I used to be...so I need to try learning systems again, before I make a judgement call about these areas.

• My memory is very much improved. I am still not on par with neurotypical colleagues, but I'm very close to their level now. (I might forget in the moment, but can recall things later on.)

• I'm also much more able to focus for prolonged periods of time, less distractible, and less inattentive.

-----

I do much better, though no matter what I do, I'll never be neurotypical.

But I've become more accepting of myself, more understanding of my traits. The more I get to know my ADHD peers, the more empathetic I get...for all of you, and for myself, too.

The closer to "normal" that I get, the more I realize that I like me for being me. I like myself and my quirks, my weirdness, my eccentricities.

So, I also realize that "normal" seems just so boring to me. Why be normal, when I can be happy to be me.

So, I now accept myself, including my ADHD traits and limitations, in a way that I wish I had done my entire life previously.

-----

Having ADHD might be the most difficult part of my life. But finding out that I have ADHD, and finally getting to know myself so much better, ... I'm grateful for that. 🙃

[MaudQ in reply to STEM_Dad]

Can you share what resources you used for memory issues?

[STEM_Dad in reply to MaudQ]

Well, it was a variety of tips and tricks, books and training videos... but none of them seemed to help me. That's because the root cause was my ADHD.

{TLDR: only ADHD medication has helped improve my memory; the few tricks that seemed to help before that used all my available working memory}

The problem was that I had assumed that I was neurotypical, and that I had to just learn the right methods and "mnemonic devices" (memory tricks) to improve my memory. But I only got frustrated or despondent when they didn't work.

I started trying to improve my memory at 15 years old, when I realized that I couldn't recall things as well as my peers. I tried everything that I came across over the years (except for overpriced supplements... but I did try the ones I could afford). That was a fruitless quest for 30 years, until I was finally diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 45.

-----

The first ADHD medication that I was prescribed was Adderall XR, which improved my working memory a lot. Changing medications to atomoxetine (generic Strattera, a non-stimulant) improved it even more.

Once I was on medication, I tested my working memory by going to the grocery store without a written list. Before meds, I could only remember 2-3 items, and typically forgot within 5 minutes. With meds, I was able to remember a list of 8 unrelated items for over 20 minutes. (On top of that, my short term memory has also improved significantly. I'm able to recall things that I need to follow up on at work after hours, days, or weeks. I used to need help from other people to remind me, which made me feel like a I was mentally limited like a small child or an elderly person with dementia.)

[PinkPanda23 in reply to STEM_Dad]

This right here: "The problem was that I had assumed that I was neurotypical, and that I had to just learn the right methods and "mnemonic devices" (memory tricks) to improve my memory. But I only got frustrated or despondent when they didn't work."

That absolutely describes my life experience of having undiagnosed ADHD until I was 54!!! When I felt like that square peg trying to squeeze into the round hole, it was because I actually AM different! And what a relief to find this out!

I follow you closely here because you have a gift of understanding and describing living with ADHD in great detail. You capture the practical implications and the accompanying emotions very well. You have already contributed to my own understanding of my disorder, and I thank you!

[STEM_Dad in reply to MaudQ]

Here are the two memory tricks that seemed to help me the most, both of which I figured out on my own. I figured out the first one at about age 16, and the second at 43 or 44.

First method that worked: Memorizing a list by replacing the lyrics to a song I know well.

• In 10th Grade, I had to learn the order of procession of kings and queens of England for a test.

• I learned 3/4 of the list to the tune of the children's song "Reuben, Reuben, I've been thinking". This part of the list, I remembered 100% for the test. (I can still remember the first 18 names, without practice.)

• The last 1/4 didn't fit the tune, so I tried rote memorization and did very poorly. I think I remembered only 3-5 names from that part of the list (and today can only remember "Cromwell", Mary, and the two queens named Elizabeth...but not in order; I know there were several kings named George, and Queen Victoria, I learned those facts later).

• If I cannot EASILY put a list or facts to music, this does not work for me.

The other memory trick that I figured out takes a strong ability for visualization and all my working memory (pre-medication).

• When I needed to find something in a different room, but didn't want to forget what I was looking for as soon as I walked out of the room I thought of it in:

• I would visualize myself in the room where I thought the thing I was looking for was, and where I thought it was, and the thing itself.

• For example: if I'm upstairs in the bedroom, and I need a Sharpie marker, and I think it's in the bottom drawer in the kitchen...I visualize myself in the kitchen, looking in the drawer and finding the Sharpie. Then, I hold that image in my mind as I traverse the house to the kitchen, then look in the drawer until I find it. (If it's not there, at least I remember what I'm looking for and why I went to the kitchen.)

•But again, that took all my available working memory. And if I passed by the very thing I was looking for on the way to find it, I wouldn't notice it at all!

[MaudQ in reply to STEM_Dad]

Interesting - thanks!

[StillRetro in reply to STEM_Dad]

This. This is exactly the mindset I am striving to have, introspection and self acceptance is a more powerful tool than most give credit for.

[CheeseIt]

I’ve been recently diagnosed and I’m having my pouty-pooty moments about the ADHD tax (job loss, crummy credit and my all time fave, brain fog). What I am trying to focus on (and find) are the super strengths that come from a brain that processes and does things differently. Like hyper focusing is pretty bad a$$ when I’ve used it for projects, read books, youtube beep dive on pimple popping(lol). Or how i know a little bit of a lot of different topics that I can go anywhere and have a convo with just about anyone I meet.

Perspective is powerful and since I’ve been so keenly aware of all my shortcomings lately, I’m wanting to find my strengths. So my research about this fun new diagnosis is scientific based AND the positives about the way my brain works.

Also I recently started EDMR/therapy (thus the ADHD diagnosis) so that is HELPING me so much. Therapy is an amazing life line to help with this transition. I’m not sure about meds just yet as my appt with the psychiatrist is next week. I’m sure there are others in this tribe that can speak on those. I just have the mindset the meds won’t fix everything but if they’ll help me thrive, I’m down for trying them.

Deep breath…everything is going to work itself out. Everything is going to be okay. And it’s okay to not be okay. The only time it’s not okay (lol) is if you are getting stuck in that emotion and mindset to the point your paralyzing yourself.

We got this!! We’ve survived this long!! So maybe, just maybe, we can thrive now that we KNOW what makes us so “special”, “unique”, “versatile” and “divergent.” (ADHD moment- bahaaaa- the books AND movies are great if you haven’t checked them out yet).

Hang in there!! You can’t have good without bad, there is a balance/correction to the energy, depending on how you CHOOSE to approach the change.

[Mental_b in reply to CheeseIt]

Medication was Godsend for me, my son and my nephew.Be open to it. When you find the right one, the difference will be like night and day.

[MaudQ in reply to CheeseIt]

I have a friend who just did EDMR for PTSD and she said it was the hardest thing she’s ever done but it was also incredible 💜

[CheeseIt in reply to MaudQ]

She isn’t lying. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but one of the most rewarding one. I can feel and see a huge difference with my depression and anxiety. And my therapist is great bc she incorporated the CBT method with it. I highly recommend it if you’ve experienced trauma, suffer from c-ptsd and anxiety.

[Tormented555 in reply to CheeseIt]

Thank you. I do EMDR as well, it helps with some stuff, but can't seem to do much about ADD. We've tried planting positive messages like "you can do this" until I get back in life and I clearly can't do it, and I feel like I'm being pumped up to go fight the champ in the boxing ring, and I just get out there and get my ass pummeled each time. It's hopeless

[STEM_Dad in reply to Tormented555]

I haven't tried EMDR therapy myself, but I read a lot about it because I thought it could help my wife, back when we were still married.*

I understand EMDR to help with reprocessing traumatic memories, to help reduce or remove emotional impact they have on a person in the present. I have not seen any research or professional opinion of any health expert that EMDR could help with ADD.

I do believe that a positive mindset and a growth mindset can help anyone, even people with severe ADHD. However, her struggles are due to neurology, and not due to past trauma.

Just as somebody who has a physical impairment needs some form of Aid or accommodation, so do we. That means that we might need different ways and means to do the same thing that other people can do without such accommodations. You might have to ask for extra help, or extra time, or break down the steps for how to do something.

For example: If I have a doctor's appointment in the middle of the workday, I have to think backwards from the appointment time so I can get there on time. Ultimately, I have to break down the task of "go to the doctor" into steps like the following:

1) Determine what time I need to START getting ready to leave.

2) Get to a stopping point with work.

3) Save any work, and log out of my computer.

4) Allow myself an extra couple of minutes, in case I get stopped for a hallway conversation.

5) Get in my car and drive to the doctor's office (with a few extra minutes for traffic issues...right now, I'd need a couple more minutes, due to road construction.

6) Allow an extra minute to take the stairs.

7) Be prepared to fill out forms before my appointment.

8) And wait the unknown amount of time I'll be sitting, waiting to be called in to see the doctor.

(Of course, it never goes that smoothly, and I'll get into a rush and maybe a mild panic. But I am notably better about this than I used to be.)

~~~~~

*(My ex would never listen to my other suggestions in matters of health or mental health. I was waiting to bring up EMDR, if she ever expressed an interest in therapy.)

[CheeseIt in reply to Tormented555]

(Thanks for correcting my abbreviation lol I rarely consistently rmbr the order)

My therapist doesn’t amp me up to get my butt beat. She’s given me tools and ways to gauge how I’m feeling and if I need to take 15 minutes and let the emotion pass. I also have learned that some things just aren’t for me and it’s okay to let them go. The coping skills she’s given me are priceless.

The other thing is its okay to take baby steps. I think there’s times where we set ourselves for failure by trying to do too much all at once.

Idk all the intricate details of where you at in life right now and it sounds like you’re really just going through it and I’ll keep you in my prayers. I really do think there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for you. Just hang in there!! Things aren’t always going to be this heavy for you. Perspective is a powerful mindset and a way for things to change into a positive. Maybe, just maybe, some of the things you’ve gone through were lessons to prepare you for where your headed and supposed to be? And sometimes shi$ happens and life sucks but it does get better. Being grateful also helps put things in perspective.

Life has a funny way about getting easier when you just let go and do a little bit at a time.

[Mental_b]

I am with you. I was undiagnosed for 44years. Self destroyed and self sabotaged to less than ground zero.

That's why we should use our knowledge to help others.

[Tormented555 in reply to Mental_b]

I agree theoretically, but I don't know what help I can get or give. I guess the biggest help is I don't feel alone, in my insurmountable problem, and maybe can help others no there not alone. But solutions? I have none

[CheeseIt in reply to Tormented555]

I’m really glad you posted this. It’s been a rough 5 years for me. Is nice to know I’m not alone.

[MaudQ]

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The deficits are real and it’s hard to accept that I’ve lost a certain amount of time and success in my life. The daily frustrations can be excruciating. But … I do like my ADHD self 😊 I have a great sense of humor, I’m a lot of fun, adventurous, creative. I think outside the box, I’m tolerant, I really enjoy life, I’m outgoing, generous & affectionate. Accepting who I am & forgiving my mistakes has been the key for me (plus medication, therapy, coaching and setting like 20 alarms a day on my phone 😁).

[MaudQ in reply to MaudQ]

Realizing I should have added that I’m on an antidepressant. My prescriber says that the particular antidepressant and stimulant I take enhance each other (there was some trial and error to get there). You might want to do a depression screen. My presenting symptoms were irritability (anger), low motivation, exhaustion, lack of appetite and brain fog. Weirdly, I didn’t feel sad. It might be worth doing a full neuropsych eval. I had to wait a long time for my appointment but my insurance did cover it. You could have them check for high functioning autism too. I know several people who were diagnosed with autism late in life - they didn’t fit the “stereotype” so it wasn’t picked up on.

[LotsOfSunshine]

I understand and often have felt defeated by the things that are hardest for me. It also can kick up a big sandstorm of sorts in your life at times obscuring how everything feels and looks. Hang in there. Baby steps often help, but being ok with yourself in the sense that sometimes the baby steps you take in one situation have to be tweaked in another (and sometimes again & again). Remember YOU are much MORE than your ADD and ARE more valuable than you give yourself credit for.

[Tormented555 in reply to LotsOfSunshine]

Thank you

[Gunners1]

Yes - I agree completely. I am on meds as per normal but they are very limited in what they can offer in my opinion. My GF said to me last night, the pills just make you work faster, but they don't help with all the other aspects such as exec function, time management, organisation, planning etc, etc.

I have read commentators saying ADHD is a gift but I don't see it if I'm honest, it's debilitating and having the condition adds very little to my life, aside from a few 'quirks of your personality'

[DesertAl]

Knowing is better understanding helps the most.

I speak of being diagnosed ADHD; understanding it takes time, mitigating serious impacting behaviors can take longer. I certainly cycle through ups and downs in my emotional and creative energies. I realized I could mitigate my greatest impacts by focusing on and mitigating my most impactful behaviors.

There is no magic bullet; if you are impacted by social interaction, spend time and figure out how to make social interactions less de-stabling and more supportive or positive.

We auto-focus on 100% mitigation of ADHD behavior and impact, which is unrealistic.

Normatives have difficulty understanding that we cannot avoid ADHD behavior 100%. My reactive trigger response has always been a serious impact. So, I worked on mitigating it and eventually realized I could not cancel it. I informed my partner that, whereas I could reduce the behavior, I could guarantee only one absolute; "that I would not be able to mitigate the behavior 100%."

Take a deep breath and then a hundred more; at least, it will distract you momentarily.

Hope this helps some. It is brutal; even when I am up and prolific, I feel I'm precariously balancing over a dark place, which I eventually fall into and climb out of; the trick is making it easier and faster to climb out.

[Tormented555 in reply to DesertAl]

Thank you. I don't care as much about social situations, I am just tormented but never being able to remember where I put anything, and being unable to learn from my mistakes and being helpless to repeat them over and over and over again, and I literally can't do anything, even the simplest things, without screwing them up. I'm a cosmic screwup of epic proportions. And I can't do a damn thing about it. I'm borderline suicidal on a regular basis. I don't want to die, but often I wish I wasn't alive, because it's to painful

[Tormented555 in reply to Tormented555]

TOO