Like many, I wasn't diagnosed until later - 37. I'm 38 now, close to 39 and I regrettably haven't done much about it yet other than feel frustrated that I struggle so much and wish I could stop the patterns of doing better then falling back on old habits. I wasn't diagnosed until later in life because I was so good at masking that I was fooling myself too... I was always a great student, great worker etc.. but I've always struggled so much with self-discipline and organization. So for me, I guess I still struggle with accepting the diagnosis. I often just feel like I'm lazy and need to try harder, etc..
When I am on my "A-Game" and keeping the house clutter-free, on top of daily chores like dishes and laundry, on top of mail and bills, on top of the budget, on top of my work tasks and my children's extracurricular schedule and their school tasks, and I'm watching what I eat and I'm doing some exercise each day and I'm drinking enough water and I'm sleeping enough and I'm daily using my planner and our family wall calendar - if I'm keeping up with ALL those things daily - then I'm great. My anxiety, overwhelm, stress and depression subside because I feel in control of my life and ready for the next day and not panicked. I don't even feel like I "suffer" from anything when life is organized and I'm on top of things. I don't even mind being busy because I like feeling productive and bouncing from activity to activity is pretty awesome for my ADD brain..
The problem is, I CANNOT keep it up. Every time I'm on my "A-Game" for a little while and my life feels good because I'm not in a state of overwhelm and disorganization, inevitably something happens to mess it up. Unexpected crises, my kids get sick, I get sick, we go on a trip, I have a bad day or whatever... and I feel like it all falls apart. I spend the next bunch of weeks feeling behind and stuck and overwhelmed. And that cycle has repeated itself dozens and dozens of times since my early 20s when I first really started struggling with all of this...and then parenting put me over the edge. Constant interruptions, constant clutter, impossible to keep schedules and sleep etc.. Being a parent is my GREATEST JOY but the worst thing that happened to my ADHD. It's a nightmare. All of the things that my life requires for me to feel ok and not in constant overwhelm, feel impossible to do with young children. It's like I've been in a decade of survival mode and I'm tired of it.
Thank you for letting me share and vent. My question is: should I try medication? As an adult it worries me - side effects, cost, being dependent on it. What would the benefits be? Will it mess up my sleep or my anxiety? I guess I just keep thinking that I KNOW what helps me the most - it's staying on top of all my shit. But that's the very thing ADD makes it hard to do. The very things that help me manage the ADD are the very things that feel impossible... I get distracted, procrastinate terribly, impulsively do things that aren't helpful, etc.. Do I need meds or should I just work on my willpower?
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overandunderachiever
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Hey there. I can only offer my experience as someone diagnosed even later than you (I'm 62 now, diagnosed at 59), and after my kids were grown. Get as much support as you can, as soon as you can. Try the medication(s), try nutritional supplements, try working with a coach and/or therapist (make sure the therapist has ADHD or is VERY experienced helping ADHDers), get in a support group. If your health care providers are not ADHD-friendly, then walk out of that office and find someone who is. You're already doubting your situation, you don't need others piling on.
One perspective is there is no such thing as willpower, and I certainly think expecting ourselves to just be able to "do it" is asking too much of our brains/nervous systems.
As I said, I was diagnosed much later than you were, nine years after going thru menopause and wondering why everything in life seemed to be getting harder. There is some evidence that during/after menopause, many hormones are no longer there to help us hold it together. I'm just trying to say two things: 1) unless you try something different, things likely won't change and won't get better/easier and 2) unless you try something different you'll never know how much better your life can be.
Following through on good habits isn't a simple matter of willpower and determination. Otherwise, we wouldn't need medication.
You've got some all-or-nothing perfectionist thinking going on. That's a total guaranteed trap for people with ADHD--or people in general. You might want to consider therapy for dismantling all of that perfectionism. If you do half the stuff you mention, that's an achievement.
hey, read your post , sounds so so similar to mine . I also suffer the perfectionist mindset and how the ideal correct life should be , and try so hard to get there , but keep failing .
I agree with you that when I have a plan and everything is mapped out things seems to go well , and I enjoy the productivity so much , but then something happens that throws me off track and all shit falls downs , for weeks , maybe months ( or last 2.5 years for me )
Like you , I felt kinda in control until becoming a father to 4, and I feel I’ve burned myself out trying to be best father and husband etc ,
I’m out of work , and desperately want to be back in , we need the money , we private rent ,-and like lots , are on the breadline . This plays on my mind so much, as I feel it’s my fault .
I was diagnosed at 47, along with ASD . I’m 48 now , and nothing has changed .
I had a brief stint on stimulants , but found the really ramped up my anxiety awfully , and I was so done about this as had hoped they would really help .
Alongside this is a nasty withdrawal from a crap anti depressant I was put on . I’ve been on and off then since I was 18 .
I agree with what someone said , that if you can get some kind of therapy that specialise in adhd !!! I’ve been passed about a few therapist over the last couple of years , and they haven’t , and basically told me to get on living , stop being a perfectionist etc and to stop being hard on myself , and forget about trying to find work for now ( like that will pay the bills )
Sorry , this isn’t much advise for you , juts to let you know I get you and you not alone !!
I really resonate with this as well. It's almost exactly my story.
I'll quickly echo the comments above that trying different things is a helpful thing to do. You can't wish or will it away. I've been on medication, in a support group, and hired a coach. With medication, my experience is that you quickly learn if it works for you and what side effects there are and can move on to other medications that better fit you. Having a psychiatrist who will work with you on that is helpful. A support group is helpful for learning how others experience ADHD, picking up tips and insights, and is great for encouraging self-care and knowing you're not alone. If you can find a good coach, they can help you problem-solve your way through some of the mental and organizational challenges you face. Better than a coach may be a good adult ADHD counselor, since often that is covered by insurance whereas a coach often isn't.
In short, yes, please allow yourself to try medication. You won't always be on your A-game, as others have mentioned, therapy may help as well. But I can tell you as a late diagnosed adult and parent (now 33yo), I nearly cried the first day I took medicine and realized I'd gone through the day with a calmer and clearer mind and felt, for the first time, what a "neurotypical" brain might feel like.
It's not actually being lazy or lacking willpower, but rather a condition which makes executive functioning (basically all you listed as what you feel relieved stress in you when you can keep up with it) extremely challenging. The medicine doesn't just "fix" this though. It only gives you that clarity of mind, which you can then use to think through how you want to prioritize your work and move through the day.
If you try it, you may see what I'm talking about. If it makes no difference still after you try different stimulants and/or different doses, your loss will simply be the time spent trying and a little money for appointments. But if it works, it may truly open your eyes to the next chapter of your life. I'm not exaggerating.
I just got diagnosed at 50 and only started medication a week ago. I’m on a starting dose, & can’t say much yet. I can say, however, that IMHO we all deserve a shot at a more level playing field. And medication is that shot. Yes, it has some chance of side effects, but truly, ADHD is the #1 most responsive psychiatric disorder to medication. More people improve with medication for ADHD than for depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, OCD, you name it. That’s why I am trying it. I am a healthcare provider and ADHD is my favorite thing to treat because in 1 swipe of my pen I can change the trajectory of a child’s life, their confidence, their school performance, their relationships with family, their friendships—-everything. And you don’t get “dependent” on medication as in an addiction. You are treating a condition with medication and if you don’t take the medication then you notice your symptoms. If you take the medication, you notice it helps your symptoms lessen.
I am on a very low starting dose, but I agree with whoever said that they cried all day realizing that was how other people lived. I haven’t noticed that dramatic a difference, but I already have checked 3-4 things off my “to do” list in a week that I’ve put off for MONTHS.
Thank you for providing information from your perspective as a healthcare provider. Especially, thank you for clarifying information about medication. You've confirmed what I have understood about ADHD medication...both about how treatable ADHD can be, and addressing the common fear that patients have that they might become addicted to the medication.
I like how well my medication works for me.
(I take atomoxetine, aka Strattera. For me, it's twice as effective as Adderall XR was. Plus, I get no side effects, as long as I take it with food.)
I wouldn't say that it improves my motivation, but it does help me in major ways with: attention, focus, resisting distractions, and greatly improved working memory.
Yes, it’s like saying “my eyes are addicted to glasses.” I mean, I need them to see well, and you don’t want to be on the road if I ever drove without mine, but my eyes aren’t addicted to them. And, as a side note, there is evidence that children and teens treated with medication for ADHD may (not definitively proven yet) have a lower chance of a future substance use disorder. And even adults in medication treatment for addiction, if they have ADHD, are sometimes treated with stimulants to manage their ADHD. That would only be under the care of a highly trained & experienced addiction specialist. But I say this to reassure people that, if you truly have ADHD, these medications really shouldn’t give you a high! I have been a lot happier since starting a minimal dose because I feel hope that maybe I won’t feel like I’m drinking from a fire hose daily. But that’s because I feel validated and am relieved that I don’t have early dementia or any of the other 50 things I worried were wrong with my brain.
PS Huge hugs to you—-I am not trying to sound pushy!!!! I just feel for you because I have 2 kids, both have autism & ADHD, & I can relate to feeling chronically overwhelmed by the demands of being a wife, mother, running a household, etc. I’m not even working right now because our daughter was high risk for COVID & me working with 2 high needs kids finally became too much stress for our family. Be kind to yourself
I can relate to how some sort of life difficulty can throw off everything. My adult life has gone from one strenuous circumstance to another, with brief periods of stability in between. I've stopped waiting for life to reach a state of balance. Instead, I've learned "to live in the eye of the storm."
With my ADHD diagnosis in 2020 (at 45 years old), and though the struggles that followed, I've learned better ways to manage my anxiety. That's because I have found that anxiety and depression make my ADHD harder to manage.
I highly recommend getting on ADHD medication, since it has transformed my life, and my capacity to deal with all the chaos. (I'm only human. I still struggle sometimes.)
I also recommend getting help from counseling or therapy if you are struggling with anxiety or depression. Also, I've found that learning and practicing mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques have also helped me immensely with managing my anxiety and depression. (Twice now, I've also been on a low dose SSRI, when mindfulness and counseling alone have not been enough.)
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[I may be way off base, but the pattern that you describe struck a chord with me about a condition known as BPD, which I think that my ex might have, based on her behaviors, family history and childhood trauma. {EDIT: I previously went down the "rabbit hole" on this, and have removed all my excess comments.} If you are curious about BPD, I recommend Dr. Daniel Fox on YouTube for information. It's a disorder which, like ADHD, is often misunderstood .]
PS Sorry, your post got me thinking about so many things. My other comment is that I am very careful about telling people about this diagnosis and medication. For instance, after learning about ADHD because her grandchildren have it, my mom is understanding and I told her. 1 sister is supportive and thus gets to know. Other sister made uninformed, stigmatizing comments years ago about ADHD, over diagnosis & over treatment of kids, etc, when our son was diagnosed. Guess what? Nope, I don’t need unsupportive people to know. She’s not on my “people who will know” list. You don’t owe anyone your private information & as I have learned with my 2 kids, you don’t need to convince strangers, people staring at the grocery store, PTA moms, etc of the validity of your choices. At least having 2 kids with significant needs has finally taught me that (I used to be very concerned about this).
I know: disclosing ADHD is not necessarily the solution to wanting support and understanding. Because our families .... are ... well ... our families, with their blind spots and certainties and gaps and dysfunctions as well as all their strengths ...
What has been helpful to me is just to say flat out "I can't run a task that complicated." "I'm terrible with tedious work." I just announce that I'm "spacey" but I do it from confidence. And it works. I get the reactions I wanted to get when I used to tell people "I have ADHD."
Wow, thank you all for the supportive comments. It is always good to know that I am not alone in this struggle. I do struggle with perfectionistic thinking and have had CBT in the past which really helped - but again, the executive functioning issues actually make it hard for me to even use those resources because being able to to catch my thinking traps, reframe them and use self-compassion are all strategies that require me to be able to attend to my thoughts and slow down enough to do it! I'll go through a whole day and then realize I didn't remember to use my CBT skills because I was overwhelmed and in a hurry all day! (OMG the constant feeling of being in a hurry is quite possibly the worst part of all this). Anyway, you all inspired me to make the appointment, get a prescription to try and dust off the old CBT workbooks as well. Thank you for your kindness and taking the time to respond!
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